A TREE TRIMMING CONTEST IN THE

SLAMMER WHERE MARTHA IS.

IN THE CAN, DOWN THERE IN THE

OLD GRAY BAR HOTEL.

AND GUESS WHAT, MARTHA STEWART,

HER TEAM, DID NOT WIN THE TREE

TRIMMING CONTEST.

( APPLAUSE )

ANOTHER TEAM ACTUALLY DEFEATED

HER IN THE TREE TRIMMING

CONTEST.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS LATER

THAT NIGHT IN THE SHOWERS,

MARTHA WON A KNIFE FIGHT.

( APPLAUSE )

HERE'S EXCITING NEWS FROM THE

WORLD OF BASEBALL.

THE NEW YORK YANKEES SIGNED

RANDY JOHNSON, FROM THE

ARIZONA DIAMOND BAEBLGS.

( APPLAUSE )

RANDY JOHNSON.

THE YANKEES PICKED HIM UP FOR

$48 MILLION.

48 MILLION.

JOHNSON IS DESCRIBED AS A

CRANKY LONER.

( LAUGHTER )

AND I BELIEVE THAT'S THE MOST

MONEY ANYBODY EVER PAID FOR A

CRANKY LONER SINCE CBS HIRED

ME.

DID YOU MAKE ANY NEW YEAR'S

RESOLUTIONS?

>> Paul: NO, I DIDN'T.

DID YOU?

>> Dave: YES, I HAVE ONE.

I'M GOING TO TRY THIS YEAR,

AND I'M GOING TO REALLY DO MY

BEST TO MAKE AN EFFORTS, I'M

GOING TO TRY IN CONVERSATIONS

HERE ON THE SHOW TO USE MORE

FREQUENTLY THE WORD IS THAT

CORRECTY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Paul: REALLY?

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

>> Dave: THAT QUESTION IS

INTERESTING, BUT I DETECTED

KINDF A SNARKY TONE.

>> Paul: THERE YOU GO, ALREADY

FULFILLING YOUR RESOLUTION.

>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Paul: I HAVE A RESOLUTION.

I'M GOING TO STOP SAYING

THINGS LIKE, WELL, HOW GREAT

IS THAT, I'M GOING TO STOP

SAYING THAT, WHEN I REALLY

MEAN, THAT'S GREAT.

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY THAT'S

GREAT.

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY HOW GREAT

IS THAT?

I'M GOING TO SAY THAT'S GREAT.

>> Dave: YOU BRING UP A COUPLE

OF EXTRA POINTS.

ONE, EVERY FOOTBALL STADIUM IN

AMERICA HAS SOME MORON WHO

SHOWS UP WITH THE BIG

CARDBOARD LETTER D, AND THE

BIG CARDBOARD FENCE.

AND HE'S HOPPING UP AND DOWN

LIKE THIS, WE DON'T WANT TO

SEE THAT AGAIN.

>> Paul: OKAY.

>> David: IT WAS CLEVER ONCE,

IN 1952.

WHEN A GUY SAID I'M TAKING A D,

GREAT, I'M BRINGING THE FENCE.

ONCE.

BUT NOW WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR

THAT EVER AGAIN.

>> Paul: I'LL STOP DOING THAT

THEN.

I WON'T DO THAT ANY MORE.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: AND HERE'S SOMETHING

WHEN IT FIRST HAPPENED I LOVED

IT AND I WAS DOING IT MYSELF

AND LATER IT MADE ME SICK, NOW

WHEN EVER I HEAR IT I GET

SICKENED BY IT.

IF SOMEBODY IS BEING

INTERVIEWED AND THEY WILL ASK

AND ANSWER THEIR OWN QUESTION.

THEY WILL ASK THEMSELVES A

QUESTION AND THEN ANSWER IT.

>> Paul: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Dave: DO I DAVE LETTERMAN

WISH IT WAS NOT QUITE SO

CHILLY OUTSIDE?

YES.

>> Paul: I SEE.

>> Dave: YES, I WISH IT WAS

NOT QUITE SO CHILLY OUTSIDE.

DO I DAVE LETTERMAN WISH I

WOULD STOP ANSWERING MY OWN

QUESTIONS?

YES, I'D HAVE TO SAY THE

ANSWER TO THAT IS YES, I WISH

I W

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: SNARKY.

WASN'T THAT SNARKY?

>> Paul: HOW GREAT WAS THAT,

HOW FUNNY WAS THAT?

>> Dave: AM I BEING TO SNARKY?

YES, I THINK I AM BEING TOO

SNARKY.

WOULD I LIKE TO BE LESS

SNARKY?

YES, I WOULD LIKE TO BE LESS

SNARKY.

GOD BLESS FOX BECAUSE

EVERYBODY AT THE FOX

TELEVISION NETWORK IS NUTS.

THEY'RE JUST NUTS, WHATEVER

THEY DO IS CRAZY, THEY'RE JUST

WHACKY, THEY'RE GOOFY, THEY

GOT A BRAND NEW SHOW, IT A

CRAZY NEW SHOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW SHOW?

THE NEW SHOW, AND I'M NOT

GOING TO TELL YOU THE NAME OF

THE SHOW, JUST WATCH THIS AND

TELL ME IF YOU DON'T THINK

IT'S JUST NUTS.

>> TONIGHT ON WHO'S YOUR DADDY,

WATCH AS CONTESTANT COMPETE

FOR $100,000.

A WOMAN WHO WAS PUT UP FOR

ADOPTION MEETS 8 MEN AND TRI

TO DETERMINE WHICH ONE IS HER

BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

FOX, WE'RE

>> HOW YOU DOING, DAVE.

>> Dave: GOOD TO SEE YOU,

BIFF.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU DAVE.

>> Dave: I KNOW YOU HAVE A

VIDEOTAPE, BUT I JUST WANT TO

MENTION THAT ONCE AGAIN THIS

YEAR YOU WERE NICE ENOUGH,

PAUL WAS NICE ENOUGH, OUR GOOD

FRIEND TOM GREESON WAS FUNNY

ENOUGH AND THE LATE SHOW HULA

HOOP GIRL AND THE GRINDER GIRL

ALL OF US WENT TO IRAQ FOR

CHRISTMAS EVE, AND WE HAD A

TREMENDOUS TRIP.

>> IT WAS WONDERFUL.

( APPLAUSE )

>> Dave: A LOT OF FUN.

>> YES IT WAS.

>> Dave: WENT TO KUWAIT AND

THEN THREE CITIES IN IRAQ AND

BACK TO KUWAIT AND EVERYTHING

WAS FINE.

>> EVERYTHING WAS WONDERFUL.

THE MORALE OF THE TROOPS IS UP,

I THINK WE'RE DOING A

FANTASTIC JOB OVER THERE, IN

OUR EFFORT.

AND I'M JUST PROUD OF EVERYONE

OVER THERE.

>> Dave: THEY WERE VERY NICE,

THEY PRETENDED TO BE EXCITED

TO SEE US, WHICH MEANT A GREAT

DEAL TO ME.