字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 ( BAND PLAYING "LATE SHOW" THEME ) >> FROM NEW YORK, THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORL, IT'S THE "LATE SHOW" WITH DAVID LETTERMAN. TONIGHT... PLUS PAUL SHAFFER AND THE CBS ORCHESTRA. AND NOW, MILLIONAIRE GERM FREAK, DAVID LETTERMAN! Captioning sponsored by WORLDWIDE PANTS and CBS IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL THAT FELL THROUGH BECAUSE IT WAS A VERY COMPLICATED DEAL, IT WOULD HAVE ACCEPT RANDY JOHNSON TO THE YANKEES, THREE PITCHERS TO ARIZONA, AND ME TO THE TONIGHT SHOW.TMAS MORNING AND FINDS A SPREELS UNDER BILL. A A SURPRISE UNDER BILL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. WELCOME TO 700 DAYS. FOR THE NEXT 90 MINUTES I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOME STORIES ABOUT MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY THAT I THINK WILL BE AMUSING --. >> Dave: BILLY, HI. HI, BILLY. >> DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> Dave: IT THINK YOU'RE ON THE WRONG THEATER. >> OH, I WAS WONDERING WHY I WAS FREEZING MY ASS OFF. ( APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: I THINK YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOWN THE STREET. >> WE'RE ON 44th STREET, WHICH BRINGS UP A POINT DAVE, THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I CAME HERE. BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE, I PERSONALLY INVITED YOU, AND HIM, I FORGOT HIS NAME, TO MY OPENING NIGHT, AND YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO COME, DID YOU SAY THAT DIDN'T YOU? >> Dave: YES, DAY, DAY SAY THAT. >> AND DID YOU COME TO THE SHOW? >> Dave: NO. >> NO, WHAT. >> Dave: NO, I DIDN'T COME TO YOUR SHOW. >> AND ARE YOU GOING TO COME TO THE SHOW? >> Dave: YES, YES, I AM. >> WILL YOU BRING HIM? >> Dave: PAUL AND I WILL BE THERE. >> AND WHAT IS THE SHOW CALL? >> Dave: BROADWAY BILLY'S BROADWAY BIG TOP. >> ALWAYS SO WITTY. DID YOUR WRITERS WORK ON THAT WITH YOU? >> Dave: WELL, I CAME UP WITH PART OF IT. >> AND THE OTHER 12 DIVIDES GOT THE REST OF IT. >> Dave: THAT'S RIGHT, HI A LITTLE HELP SURE. >> DAVE, THE CALLED THE SHOW IS CALLED 700 SUNDAYS. >> Dave: SURE. 700 SUNDAYS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK HERE AGAIN. >> Dave: NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, NO, SIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: BILLY CRYSTAL! HOW ABOUT THAT BILLY CRYSTAL. >> Paul: YEAH. >> Dave: VERY NICE OF BILLY TO STOP BY, AND HE'S DOING HIS PROGRAM AND IT'S SOLD OUT FOR THE NEXT NINE YEARS OR HOWEVER LONG THE RUN IS. IT'S GOTTEN FANTASTIC REVIEWS AND IT'S LIKE A ONE-MAN SHOW. IT'S BILLY'S LIFE AND PEOPLE LOVE IT. WHEN HE WAS HERE BEFORE THE THING OPENED, YOU AND I SAID OF COURSE WE'LL BE THERE ON OPENING NIGHT. >> Paul: WE PROMISED HIM. >> Dave: WE COULDN'T BE THERE OPENING NIGHT. WE HAD THINGS GOING ON. I WAS OUT OF TOWN. >> Paul: AND I WANTED TO WAIT UNTIL YOU COULD COME. >> Dave: BUT THE DEAL IS WE'RE GOING FIRST OF THE YEAR. WHEN WE'RE BACK AND READY TO GO WE'LL BE OVER TO THE SHOW. >> Paul: WE CAN'T VIEW THIS UP THIS TIME, WE GOTTA SHOW UP. >> Dave: NO, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM WALKING IN HERE ANY MORE. BUT HOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE SKIT WITH BILLY CRYSTAL RIGHT OFF THE BAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Paul: HE'S THE KING OF BROADWAY, HE'S ABSOLUTELY THE KING. >> Dave: IT'S AT THE BROAD HURST THEATER, WEST 44th STREET, OPENED DECEMBER 5th, ONE EVERY YEAR. >> Dave: IT'S VERY CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS, AND WE TRY TO DO SOMETHING FESTIVE EACH DAY AS WE GET CLOSER TO THE HOLIDAY, AND TONIGHT I DON'T THINK WE'VE DONE THIS IN A LONG TIME. IT'S SOMETHING CALLED THE LATE SHOW NOG CAM. NOG CAM. ARE YOU READY FOR THE NOG CAM? TURN IT ON, HERE IT IS. ( APPLAUSE ) >> THANKS, DAVE. >> Dave: NOG. LOOK AT THAT. LATE SHOW NOG CAM. THANKS, DAVE. DAVE DORSET BY THE WAY, BEEN WITH CBS 39 YEARS, THAT MAN RIGHT THERE, CELEBRATING HIS 39th ANNIVERSARY WITH CBS. ( APPLAUSE ) CAN WE JUST LEAVE THAT IN THERE LIKE THAT, DAVE? >> WE COULD TAKE IT OUT IF YOU'D LIKE. >> Dave: LET'S LEAVE IT IN FOR A WHILE AND SEE HOW TIRED WE GROW OF IT. I DON'T WANT TO CHASE PEOPLE AWAY UNNECESSARILY, BUT IT'S KIND OF NICE TO HAVE IT THERE, DON'T YOU THINK? >> Paul: YEAH. >> Dave: ALL RIGHT. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE... ( LAUGHTER ) SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE TV! I LIKE THAT. REMEMBER THEY USED TO HAVE BEER COMMERCIALS AND THEY WOULD USE JOHN WAYNE, THEY WOULD GET JOHN WAYNE, OLD JOHN WAYNE MOVIES AND HE WOULD BE IN BEER COMMERCIALS, WOULDN'T BE THE REAL JOHN WAYNE BECAUSE HE HAD PASSED AWAY, BUT THEY'D GET HIS WORK IN FILM AND PUT IT IN A BEER COMMERCIAL. NOW THEY'VE DONE THE SAME THING WITH STEVE McQUEEN, HE COMES OUT OF A CORN FIELD AND HOPS IN A BRAND NEW FORD MUSTANG AND HE E DRIVES LIKE HE DROVE THE CAR IN BULLETS, THE BIG CHASE SCENE. SO THEY USE THESE LATE DEAD MOVIE STARS, AND NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE UPSET OR FLATTERED BY THIS. WELL, SOME THINGS HAPPEN AND I JUST SAW IT THE OTHER DAY, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. >> Paul: REALLY? >> Dave: I DON'T KNOW IF THE NORTH OG CAM IS GOING TO INTERFERE. THIS SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT. WATCH. THIS. >> IF YOUR RELAXING MOMENT TURNS INTO THE RIGHT MOMENT, WILL YOU BE READY? INTRODUCING CIALIS, THE FIRST TABLET FOR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION THAT GIVES YOU UP TO 36 HOURS... ( APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: NOW, THE DIFFERENCE THERE IS OF COURSE I'M NOT DEAD. I'M NOT DEAD. BUT IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING. >> Paul: OH, RIGHT. >> Dave: FIRST OF ALL, THERE WAS THE TROUBLE WITH THE VIOXX. I CAN REMEMBER LIKE YEARS AND YEARS AGO, OH NO NO TAKE THE VIOXX, THEY SAID NO, YOU BETTER NOT TAKE THE VIOXX BECAUSE YOU'LL JUST DROP DEAD ONE DAY, THEN IT WAS CELEBREX AND EVERYBODY SAID TAKE THE CELEBREX IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE VIOXX, NO NO NO, THAT STUFF WILL KILL YOU NOW TOO MUCH SO BECAUSE OF ALL THE PROBLEMS, THEY SAID WELL HOW ABOUT A NONPRESCRIPTION, TRY THE ALEVE. NO NO. SO BECAUSE ALL OF THESE MEDICINES THAT WE CAN'T TAKE, HERE IS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE F.D.A.. WATCH THIS. >> DUE TO THE NEWLY DISCOVERED RISKS ASSOCIATED WITH VARIOUS MEDICATIONS, THE F.D.A. NOW RECOMMENDS THAT AMERICANS WITH ANY ILLNESS OR JURY SIMPLY LIE DOWN AND TRY TO EVENTUALLY GET BETTER WITHOUT MEDICINE. A COOL WASH CLOTH MAY BE PLACED ON THE FOREHEAD. GOOD LUCK, AMERICA. A MESSAGE FROM THE F.D.A.. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: PUT A LITTLE MORE IN THERE, DAVE. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD. ( APPLAUSE ) EVERY DUMB GUY IN AMERICA IS AT HOME DOING THIS TO HIS SET. ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK WHAT I HAVE HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SOME BRAND NEW HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS! ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS ♪. HOLIDAY CARDS. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Paul: THIS I GOTTA SEE. YOU COULD PUT THE CARD UP IN THAT, IN THE UPPER LEFT. >> Dave: OH, THIS CAMERA DOES NOT HAVE THE NOG CAM. WE'RE SAVED. OH, THANK GOD. HOLIDAY CARDS, HERE'S OUR FIRST CARD, I WENT DOWN TO THE BOUGHT A FISTFUL OF CARDS, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SUCH THESE. THIS ONE SAYS ( APPLAUSE ) THIS, BY THE WAY, THIS TECHNOLOGY RIGHT HEREIES THE TREFS WORLD IS ENVIOUS OF US. THINGS LIKE THE NOG CAM. THIS IS WHY WE'RE HATED AROUND THE WORLD. THEY DON'T HAVE THE KIND OF BRAIN POWER IT TAKES TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS. AND THEY SEE THAT WE'RE HAVING ALL THE FUN IN THE WORLD AND THEY RESENT THAT. NARROW MINDED, DOESN'T IT? ( APPLAUSE ) GOT ANY MORE NOG, DAVE? ALL RIGHT, TOP IT OFF. A SHRILL SPLASH. DAVE, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC BY THE WAY. >> THANK YOU. >> Dave: OH, WAIT A MICHIGAN, YOU'VE GONE CRAZY! YOU STARTED OUT 39 YEARS AGO TO GET THE CAMERAS TO WORK YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO THAT PERIODICALLY, WOULD YOU HAVE TO FORCE SOMETHING A INTO THE LENS, EXACTLY. ALL RIGHT. HERE'S A CARD. LOOK AT THIS ONE, PAUL. FELL IS AND A HALF I DAD, TO THE BEST ILLEGAL HOUSE KEEPER A FAMILY COULD ASK FOR. I KIND OF LIKE. THIS IT'S A LOVELY SENTIMENT. MERRY CHRISTMAS, RABBI. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, IS THERE? ( APPLAUSE ) >> Paul: THAT'S NICE. >> Dave: AND FINALLY, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE. RON ARTEST HAS KICKED A DRUNK FAN'S ASS IN YOUR NAME. ( APPLAUSE ) ♪ HOLIDAY, HOLIDAY CARDS ♪. >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAUL. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE THIS OTHER ONE, BECAUSE WE'VE MONKEYED UP THE -- WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU TO SKAUT UNDER A DIFFERENT CAMERA TONIGHT? KRISTIN JOHNSTON IS ON THE PROGRAM AND TOM DREESEN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TONIGHT TPS TOP TEN LIST, EVERYBODY. >> Dave: KRISTEN JOHNSTON IS BACK WITH US ON THE PROGRAM AND ALSO OUR GOOD FRIEND TOM DREESEN. YOU'RE GOING TO THINK I'M STUPID, I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HAD EGG NOG. THERE'S SOME KIND OF DISSTILLED SPIRITS GO INTO IT, DOESN'T IT. DISSPILLED SPIRITS. >> Paul: ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING --. >> Dave: I WISH TO GOD I WAS STILL DRINKING. RIGHT AWAY I'M SUSPICIOUS BECAUSE IT'S MADE BY THE LAND OF LAKES PEOPLE, AND I THINK TO MYSELF WHAL THAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT EGG NOG, ARM THEY THE BUTTER FOLKS? SO NORMALLY YOU WOULD TAKE THIS AND WHAT WOULD YOU ADD TO IT, RUM. >> Paul: YOU'D ADD RUM. YOU'D PUT IN MOSTLY RUM AND TOP IT OFF WITH A LITTLE EGGNOG. >> Dave: IS IT ALL RIGHT TO DRINK IT THIS WAY? THERE'S NO RUM IN IT. >> Paul: IT'S DELICIOUS STUFF. >> Dave: SO THERE'S NO NOG IN THIS, IT'S JUST EGG. >> Paul: I SUPPOSE. UH-OH! >> Dave: MAN, THAT WAS SMOOTH. ( APPLAUSE ) I'M TELLING YOU, THIS WOULD BE GREAT WITH RUM, BUT THEN AGAIN WHAT WOULDN'T, FOR GOD'S SAKES! APPLAUSE ) THE HOLIDAY SEASON, I WISH I COULD DRINK. I USED TO DRINK FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND HAD TO QUIT BECAUSE MY LIVER WAS THE SIDE OF AN IS YOU SUE. BUT THE TROUBLE IS I'D HAVE THIS. >> Paul: I GOT MY FINGERS CROSSED TONIGHT IT WILL BE A BIG HIT TOO. >> Dave: PLEASE WELCOME THE LATE SHOW CAROLERS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. ( APPLAUSE ) THE CATEGORY AGAIN, LEAST POPULAR, LEAST POPULAR, THESE ARE NOT POPULAR CHRISTMAS CAROLS. HERE WE GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOD BLESS YOU, MARTHA. NOW, THE NUMBER ONE LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS CAROL. THERE YOU GO. OUR LATE SHOW CAROLERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS LOVELY, PAUL, AS ALWAYS. >> Paul: I HOPE IT WAS AS BIG A HIT THIS YEAR, AS, YOU KNOW, THEY HATE US FOR EVERY YEAR, THE OTHER, THERE'S SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL. >> IT'S THE BEST. IT'S THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD TO BE FOR CHRISTMAS, EXCEPT IF YOU WERE TO GET MUGGED. WHICH ACTUALLY DID HAPPEN TO ME. YEAH, A FEW YEARS AGO. >> Dave: OH, MY GOD. >> IT WAS INITIALLY VERY TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE, BUT NOW I FOUND IT A REALLY KIND OF HEART WARMING HOLIDAY ANECDOTE. >> Dave: DO YOU MIND SHARING IT? >> I'D LOW LOVE TO. IT WAS FEW YEARS AGO, I DON'T KNOW IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU NO NEW YORK, PEOPLE IN NEW YORK SOMETIMES THINK IT'S FUNNY TO PRETEND TO MUG YOU LIKE OH, I WAS JUST KIDDING I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH YOU. SOMEHOW IT'S NOT THAT AMUSING. ANYWAY I WAS COMING HOME FROM A KRAERS PARTY AT 10:30, I HEARD THIS VOICE BEHIND ME SAY GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY, I WAS LIKE THAT IS NOT FUNNY. I TURNED AROUND AND REALIZED I DIDN'T KNOW WHO IT WAS. AND THIS GUY GOES, OH, MY GOD YOU'RE THAT LADY FROM THAT TV SHOW. AND THEN PROCEEDED TO MUG ME. >> Dave: REALLY? >> YEAH. SITE WAS SORT OF THE DOUBLE HUMILIATION OF ACTUALLY HE DID RECOGNIZE ME, AND STILL WANTED TO TORMENT ME. >> Dave: WHEN YOU SAY MUGGING, WHAT WAS THAT PROCESS LIKE, DID HE HURT YOU? HOW DID HE GET MONEY FROM YOU? >> THAT IS WHAT PREVENTS IT FROM BEING AS HEART WARMING AN ANECDOTE AS I WANTED. HE THREW ME ON THE GROUND, TOOK MY MONEY. BUT ABOUT THREE WEEKS LATER THIS COP CALLS ME AND HE SOUNDS LITERALLY LIKE THE NYPD COP. I WAS LIKE I LIKE THIS GUY, SO I CAME DOWNTOWN AND THEY DID THE LINEUP. AND I PICKED HIM OUT, BECAUSE KEEN OBSERVATION POWERS. E WRM TO A GRAND JURY AND HE WAS CONVICTED. JUST A GOOD HOLIDAY STORY. >> Dave: YES IT IS. >> I LIKE TO TELL IT AS OFTEN AS I CAN. ( APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: THAT'S A VERY FRIGHTENING THING, THOUGH. >> IT IS. >> Dave: AND I GUESS IT WOULD TAKE YOU A WHILE TO KIND OF SETTLE DOWN AFTER AN EPISODE LIKE THAT. >> YES. >> Dave: BECAUSE THE ASSAULT, AND WHAT THAT COULD HAVE LED TO IS REALLY BEYOND -- >> YEAH, IT IS SCARY. THE WEIRDEST THING WAS A FEW DAYS LATER WALKING DOWN THE STREET I WAS STILL SO SHAKEN UP THAT A DOG BARKED AT ME BECAUSE I THINK HE COULD TELL THAT I WAS WALKING AROUND IN FEAR. BUT NOW I'M OVER IT. >> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, PAUL SHAFFER AND THE CBS HOLIDAY STRINGS. PAUL AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS IDEA FOR A LONG TIME. THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, HOW MANY OF YOU FOLKS WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW? ( APPLAUSE ) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GIVEN A CAR BY OPRAH WINFREY, HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE RECEIVED A CAR FROM OPRAH WINFREY? GREAT. OPRAH DID SD THIS PROGRAM EVERY AFTERNOON AND SHE HAS BIG BIG STARS ON, CAN AND THEY TALK ALL MANNER OF THINGS THAT BIG STARS LIKE TO TALK ABOUT, THEN WHEN THE PROGRAM IS DONE THEY HAVE AN AFTER SHOW PROGRAM. THAT YOU DON'T GET TO SEE EXCEPT FOR, HAVE YOU TO DIAL IT UP ON THE OXYGEN NETWORK, AND FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT. BUT IT'S OPRAH'S AFTER SHOW. SO YOU GET TO SEE EVEN MORE OF OPRAH. ( LAUGHTER ) SO WHEN I TOLD THIS TO PAUL, HE LOVED THE IDEA, AND YOU BEGGED ME, YOU SAID, DAVE, LET'S DO AN AFTER SHOW LATE SHOW. WHERE YOU GET TO SEE -- YEAH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE AUDIENCE CAN STAY THEY WANT TO STAY, THEY CAN GO IF DAY WANT TO GO. IT'S VERY INFORMAL, VERY CASUAL, AND YOU GET THE REAL FLAVOR OF WHAT GOES ON HERE AFTER THE SHOW. >> Paul: THAT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. >> Dave: SO WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU A SAMPLE OF OUR FIRST ONE TONIGHT. HERE IT IS, THE LATE SHOW AFTER SHOW SHOW. ( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE GOING, WE HAVE LITTLE FINE TUNING. . >> AND I'D GO TO MIDNIGHT MASS. >> Dave: THAT'S A LOVELY TRADITION, MIDNIGHT MASS. >> AND I STILL DO IT EVERY YEAR. I ALSO, I FEED THE HOMELESS, ALL THE COMEDIANS IN LOS ANGELES WE FEED THE COMEDIANS. ( LAUGHTER ) WHICH BY THE WAY --. >> Dave: THE HOMELESS PEOPLE PUT OUT A NICE VED FOR THE COMICS, THAT'S A GOOD THING. >> FIVE MENTION SOMETHING LIKE, YOU KNOW WHY THEY'RE FEEDING US, WE'RE NOT WORKING THAT MUCH. BUT EVERY YEAR THE COMEDIANS PERFORM FOR HOMELESS AND WE ALSO FEED THEM. AND IT WAS VERY FUNNY, LAST YEAR PAUL MOONEY, YOU REMEMBER PAUL MOONEY,, WE WERE FEEDING PEOPLE, AND TWO HOMELESS GUYS GOT TO THE END OF THE LINE AND ONE LOOKED AT THE OTHER ONE AND SAID THEY HAD BIGGER NAMES HERE LAST YEAR. ( APPLAUSE ) >> Dave: WELL... >> BUT. >> Dave: YOU STILL GOING TO THE MIDNIGHT MASS, HAVE YOU NOTICED SINCE YOU WERE A KID, PROBABLY ALTAR BOYS? >> YEAH, I WAS AN ALTAR BOY. >> Dave: HAS THE CHURCH CHANGED? WE KNOW IN PRACTICAL WAYS IT'S CHANGED. >> EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH DIFFERENT. WE DID THE MASS IN LATIN, THEY DON'T DO THAT ANY MORE. WHEN I WAS A KID YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED AS A CATHOLIC, YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO ANY BUT TODAY NOT ONLY THAT DO THEY NOT MIND, THEY ALSO ASK YOU IF YOU'D BRING OTHER --
B1 中級 Late Show with David Letterman 12/2004. (Late Show with David Letterman 12/2004) 4 0 VoiceTube 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日 更多分享 分享 收藏 回報 影片單字