大衛-萊特曼晚間秀--2005年感恩節秀。 (Late Show with David Letterman - 2005 Thanksgiving Show)

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CURIOSITY CHANGED THE WAY WE
WASH DISHES, DAVID LETTERMAN!
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I WILL SEE YOU GIRLS LATER AT
THE MAY FLOWER.
>> Paul: HEY!
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL,
YOU FOLKS WILL DO ANYTHING TO
GET OUT OF DINNER WITH YOUR
RELATIVES, IS THAT THE DEAL?
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YEAH.
I WANT TO GET RIGHT THROUGH THE
SHOW TONIGHT
>> Dave: HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IN
MY HOUSE EVERY THANKSGIVING
EVENING, MY FILIPINO HOUSEBOY,
CHICHI SAYS THE SAME THING, HE
SAYS I WILL STAY WITH YOU,
Mr. DAVE.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALONE ON A
NIGHT LIKE THIS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: AH, COME ON!
OH THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD, AT THE
HOUSE MY MOM, EARLY ON CAN'T
FIND HER CELL PHONE.
THE CELL PHONE IS GONE.
SO LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH DINNER
THE TURKEY STARTS VIBRATING.
HELLO?
WHOO!
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM,
EVERYBODY.
I WANT TO TELL YOU, I HAVEN'T
BEEN THIS EXCITED ABOUT A SHOW
IN A LONG, LONG TIME.
FIRST OF ALL, THANKS TO
EVERYBODY HERE FOR BEING HERE ON
THANKSGIVING AND SHARING YOUR
HOLIDAY WITH US.
IT MEANS A GREAT DEAL TO US.
GOOD TO HAVE YOU PEOPLE HERE
AGAIN THIS YEAR.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: AND SOMETHING VERY
EXCITING HAPPENED TO ME MOMENTS
AGO.
AND I LOVE IT WHEN NEW THINGS
HAPPEN BECAUSE YOU THINK WELL,
WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 25
YEARS OR SO, NOTHING NEW EVER
HAPPENS.
WELL, EARLIER TONIGHT, A WOMAN
FROM ORLANDO, FLORIDA, --
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE
I BELIEVE HER NAME WAS CATHY
WANTED TO KNOW IF MY BUTT WENT
NUMB, NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
THANK YOU, CATHY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WANTED TO KNOW IF MY
BUTT EVER GOES NUMB DURING THE
SHOW.
>> Paul: YES.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
>> I SAID WELL THAT'S THE GOAL.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SHOOTING FOR.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IF
MY BUTT IS NUMB, YOUR BUTT IS
NUMB.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YOU KNOW, NOW THE OTHER
THING WE HAVE MY MOM, LIVE THERE
THE BIG CBS SATELLITE ALL THE
WAY FROM INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SHE, EVERY THANKSGIVING
SINCE THE TIME I WAS A YOUNG BOY
BAKES WONDERFUL PIES.
NOBODY BAKES BETTER PIES THAN MY
MOTHER, NOT EVEN THAT EX-CON
MARTHA THAT STEWART.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: AND THERE IS TWO PARTS
TO PIES.
THERE'S THE FILLING, OF COURSE,
AND THEN THERE'S THE CRUST.
AND NOBODY MAKES BETTER CRUST
THAN MY MOM.
FOR SOME REASON SHE'S JUST GOT
THAT KNACK AND IT'S PERFECT TIME
AND TIME AND TIME AGAIN.
AND SO EVERY YEAR ON
THANKSGIVING SHELL'S MAKE THE
PIES.
AND WE WILL DEMONSTRATE TO YOU
TONIGHT BEYOND A SHADOW OF A
DOUBT THAT THERE IS SOME SORT OF
COSMIC CONNECTION BETWEEN MOTHER
AND SON.
I HAVE NOT TALKED TO MY MOTHER
TODAY.
I KNOW SHE MADE PIES AND I WILL
PSYCHICALLY WITHOUT SEEING,
SMELLING OR TOUCHING THE PIES,
BE ABLE TO DETERMINE THE VARIETY
OF PIE THAT MY MOTHER HAS BAKED
TODAY FOR THANKSGIVING.
IT'S GOING TO BE UNBELIEVABLE.
YOU PEM WILL BE TALKING ABOUT IT
IN THE CAR ALL THE WAY HOME
TONIGHT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: LET ME JUST WARN YOU IN
ADVANCE, I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A
TRANS.
I WILL PUT MYSELF IN A TRANS.
DO NOT APPROACH THE DESK.
>> Paul: WE WOULD NOT DREAM OF
IT.
>> Dave: BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT
YEAR, ONE YEAR I LOST MY WALLET.
>> E OH, WELL, THAT WAS --
>> THAT WAS UGLY.
>> Paul: I HATED THAT.
>> Dave: YOU PROBABLY KNOW THIS
THAT PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH, AND
EVERY PRESIDENT PRECEDING HIM
EVERY YEAR IS KIND OF A THING
THEY DO IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
THEY HAVE THE WHITE HOUSE
TURKEYS.
THEY WILL PARDON A COUPLE OF THE
TURKEYS.
>> Paul: THAT'S CUTE.
>> Dave: AND VIRTUALLY THE ONLY
GOOD PRESS HE GETS ALL YEAR.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: DUDE, LET THOSE TURKEYS
GO!
SO WE'RE STARTING A SIMILAR
TRADITION HERE TONIGHT ON THE
LATE SHOW FOR OUR THANKSGIVING
PROGRAM.
YOU CAN TURN ON THE HOUSE
LIGHTS?
LET ME SEE, THERE'S THE AUDIENCE
RIGHT THERE.
I TELL YOU WHAT --
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THERE'S THE AUDIENCE.
YEAH, OKAY.
THAT COUPLE IN THE SECOND ROW ON
THE AISLE, RIGHT THERE, YOU TWO
ON THE AISLE, CAN YOU STAND UP
FOR A SECOND?
THERE YOU GO.
I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN LEAVE
NOW.
THERE YOU GO.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: JUST LIKE THE
PRESIDENT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: COULD BE PUMPKIN?
>> Paul: THIS IS THE TYPE OF PIE
THAT YOUR MOTHER --
>> BANANA CREAM, BOSTON CREAM, I
COULD GO FOR A BOSTON CREAM PIE.
BOYSENBERRY.
>> Paul: THIS IS NOT -- THESE
ARE NOT -- THESE ARE POSSIBLE
PIES.
>> Dave: THIS -- PAUL, THIS IS
JUST A LIST OF PIES.
>> THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
THE PIES YOUR MOTHER HAS MADE.
>> Dave: THIS IS JUST A LIST OF
PIES.
>> JUST AN ARBITRARY LIST, YEAH.
>> Dave: BUTTERSCOTCH.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Paul: DID SHE EVER MAKE A
BUTTER KOCH PIE WHEN YOU WERE A
KID.
>> Dave: NO.
>> Paul: THIS IS A POSSIBLE PIE.
>> WE WERE PRESBYTERIAN.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT,
OH, MY GOSH, A LOVELY WOMAN AND
A BIG, BIG STAR OF THE WILL &
GRACE PROGRAM, BY THE WAY, THIS
IS THE FINAL SEASON, DOW REALIZE
THAT.
EIGHT YEARS THEY'VEEND.
>> Dave: THAT IS EXCITING.
>> HE COULD PRODUCED THAT.
>> Dave: AND -- OH, KEY LIME
PIE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: YOU KNOW, I COULD GO ON
READING THIS ALL NIGHT.
I LOVE READING THIS LIST OF
PIES.
>> Paul: JUST READING THE LIST
OF PIE SFOOS I KNOW THAT IT JUST
DRIVE CBS CRAZY.
>> Paul: AH!
ES.
>> Dave: HE'S JUST READING DAMN
PIES.
>> READ A FEW MORE.
>> Dave: STRAWBERRY.
>> Paul: STRAWBERRY PIE.
>> Dave: CHUCKBERRY.
HALLE BERRY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: SHEPHERD'S PIE.
SHEPHERD SMITH.
>> Paul: MARVELOUS.
>> Dave: DUTCH APPLE.
FIONA APPLE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: EVERY YEAR WE HAVE
THANKSGIVING DINNER RIGHT HERE.
BECAUSE WE'RE ONE BIG FAMILY AT
THE LATE SHOW AND EVERY YEAR WE
HAVE THE BIG SPREAD.
AND IT WAS PARTICULARLY TASTY
THIS YEAR, DIDN'T YOU THINK SO.
>> Paul: THE FULL SPREAD.
>> Dave: DAMN GOOD, FULL SPREAD.
EVERYBODY COMES IN.
WE WILL SHOW YOU A COUPLE OF
MINUTES HOW THE BIG LUNCHEON
WENT THIS AFTERNOON.
WILL YOU SEE RIGHT THERE, A
COUPLE OF MY ASSISTANTS,
STEPHANIE AND JOANNE, SHEILA
ROGERS AND ARLO, WHAT A HANDSOME
BOY.
PAUL AND HIS DAUGHTER, VICTORIA,
AND LOOK AT HOW BIG VICTORIA HAS
GOTTEN.
THERE IS MY GOOD FRIEND HUFF,
HELLO, HUFF.
>> Paul: YES.
>> Dave: THIS IS BIFF NOW
WORKING OVER THE GRAPHY.
YEAH, WE HAD TO TAKE SOME
PRECAUTIONS THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF
THE BIRD FLU.
AND THEN ALAN KALTER WAS NICE
ENOUGH TO DO THE HONORS, SLICING
THE TURKEY.
THIS IS GOOD, THE CAROLINA
CHEERLEADERS, THE CAROLINA
PANTHERS FIGHTING OVER TURKEY.
AND THEN IT WAS ME DRESSED UP AS
THE PILGRIM.
THAT HAS BEEN AROUND FOR QUITE A
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: MINCE MEAT.
>> Paul: S THAT HE A A GREAT
PIE.
>> Dave: RHUBARB.
>> Paul: YEAH, I GUESSED THAT
ONE YEAR AND I WAS RIGHT,
REMEMBER THAT?
>> YOU WERE RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
THERE IS NO GUESSMENT YOU WILL
BE GUESSING BUT I WON'T.
I WILL KNOW.
MY MIND IS A BLANK CLEAR SCREEN.
AND DIVISION, I HAVE IMAGES OF
PIE IN MY HEAD.
>> Paul: DANCING IN YOUR HEAD,
YEAH.
>> Dave: WELL, NO.
JUST PIE.
>> Paul: PIE THERE, STATIONERY.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WELL YES.
>> Paul: NOT DANCING.
>> NO, IT'S NOT DANCING.
>> STATIONERY PIE, IT'S JUST
SITTING, FLOATING, FLOATING IN
A --
>> NO, STATIONERY, WE WERE
PRESBYTERIAN.
>> IS THAT A --
>> AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
IT'S TIME FOR SOMETHING WE CALL
THE PRESIDENTIAL YAM COUNTER.
THE PRESIDENTIAL YAM COUNTER.
[♪♪♪]
>> YAM.
YAM, YAM, MARSHMALLOW AND YAM..
>> Dave: BA-BA.
BA-BA.
THANK YOU.
BY THE WAY, THERE ARE TWO PIES
TONIGHT.
YOU CAN TAKE PUMPKIN TO THE
BANK.
ONE ABSOLUTELY.
>> Paul: YOU ARE SURE ALREADY.
>> Dave: ABSOLUTELY.
I'M GETTING IT ALREADY.
>> Paul: HAVE YOU GOTTEN IT?
>> WELL, JUST BEFORE MY BUTT
WENT NUMB, I --
>> GOT A FEELING.
>> I GOT A FEELING.
>> Paul: SO THAT'S HOW YOU DO
IT.
>> Dave: HELLO, NUMB BUTT.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HEY, IT'SING DAY ♪
♪ PARADE ♪♪
>> Dave: YEAH.
ONE YEAR IT WAS APPLE PE CAN.
ONE YEAR PUMPKIN RASPBERRY, ONE
YEAR PUMPKIN APPLE, ONE YEAR
PUMPKIN RED RASPBERRY CHIFFON.
ONE YEAR PUMPKIN RHUBARB.
ONE YEAR IT WAS ONE PUMPKIN AND
TWO CHERRY PIES, SHE WENT NUTS.
ONE YEAR A PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE
CHIFFON.
OH THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.
BY THE WAY IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO
GET A BET DOWN.
>> Paul: I ENTERED THE POOL.
I HAVE MONEY IN THE POOL.
>> Dave: NOW LISTEN, TONIGHT
WE'VE GONE TO SPARE NO
EXEXPERIENCE -- EXPENSE TO BRING
YOU SOMETHING I DON'T THINK WILL
YOU SEE ON TELEVISION AGAIN.
THE CBS TECHNICIANS HAVE BEEN
WORKING IN NEW JERSEY -- OR WAS
IT NEWARK.
NO, I THINK IT WAS TRENTON AND
THEY'VE DEVELOPED SOMETHING
CALLED THE CBS GRAPHY CAN.
WATCH THIS, LOAD IT UP, THE CBS
GRAVY CAM, BE CAREFUL.
HE'S LIGHTING UP THE GRAVY CAM
NOW.
YOU WON'T SEE THIS THIS ANYWHERE
HONEST TO GOD.
ONLY FOR THANKSGIVING.
ONLY ON CBS.
ALL THIS AND MY MOM ON THE
SATELLITE.
LOOK AT THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: IS THAT SOMETHING.
IT'S A THING OF BEAUTY, ISN'T
IT?
EXCELLENT.
GO AHEAD, FILLER UP, DAVE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
>> Dave: PAUL SHAFFER, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYBODY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: MEGAN MULLALLY AND THE
JOHN MAYER TRIO.
LAST YEAR I CAN TELL YOU WHAT IT
WAS, ONE PUMPKIN, 2004, ONE
CHOCOLATE CHIFFON.
GREAT COMBINATION.
1993, SHE WENT NUTS, ORANGE
PUMPKIN PIE WITH WHIP CREAM AND
HICKORY NUTS.
AND SHE ONLY MADE ONE PIE THAT
YEAR.
>> Paul: HARD TO GUESS THAT.
>> Dave: I THINK SHE GOT IN OVER
HER HEAD WITH THAT ONE.
>> Paul: YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT,
WHO WOULDN'T.
>> Dave: HOW?
>> WHO WOULDN'T.
>> Dave: WELL, EXACTLY RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY, I WILL
BE IN A SMALL TRANSSO DO NOT
APPROACH THE DESK.
TURN ON THE SATELLITE.
LET'S GO LIVE TO INDIANAPOLIS,
INDIANA.
SAY HELLO TO MY MOM.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HEY, MOM.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU, MOM.
YOU LOOK TREMENDOUSMENT HOW ARE
YOU DOING TODAY?
>> DOING GREAT.
>> Dave: HOW IS THE WEATHER
THERE IN INDIANAPOLIS?
>> WELL, IT'S 26°, BUT IT FEELS
LIKE 9° BECAUSE OF THE WIND.
>> Dave: YOU GOT THE WINDCHILL
FACTOR.
HOW DO THEY CATE THAT WINDCHILL
FACTOR, MOM?
WHAT DO THEY DO THERE?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> Dave: THEY TAKE THE SPEED OF
THE WIND AND SUBTRACT THE
TEMPERATURE AND MULTIPLY IT BY
FREEZING, ISN'T THAT WHAT IT IS?
>> IF YOU SAY SO.
>> Dave: YEAH.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: MOM, I HOPE I DON'T
EMBARRASS HER BUT SHE HAS A
COUPLE TRADITIONS EVERY
THANKSGIVING.
FOR EXAMPLE, LAST NIGHT YOU
SLEPT IN THE YARD S THAT RIGHT?
>> NO!
>> Dave: OH.
MAYBE THAT WAS JUST ME WHEN I
WAS A KID.
I USUALLY SLEPT IN THE YARD.
BY THE WAY, THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL
FLOWERS BEHIND YOU.
WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?
>> YOU SENT THOSE TO ME
YESTERDAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, DAVID.
THEY'RE LOVELY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: YOU DEVIL, YOU.
>> Dave: MOM, LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION.
DID THE OTHER KIDS SEND YOU
ANYTHING?
>>.
THEY DIDN'T, DIDN'T THEY?
NO, NO, THEY DIDN'T.
THEY ARE OUT DRINKING THEIR
COLLEGE MONEY SOMEWHERE.
AND THE OTHER -- THE OTHER
TRADITION, EVERY MORNING MOM
GETS UP EARLY AND DRIVES 465 IS
A BYPASS FOR INDIANAPOLIS, 465
AND IT GOES AROUND THE CITY.
SHE GETS UP EARLY AND DRIVES
AROUND THERE, PICKING UP
HITCHHIKERS AND BRINGING THEM
BACK TO THE HOUSE.
>> Paul: SHE DOES?
>> DID YOU HAVE FUN DOING THAT
THIS MORNING, MOM?
>> OH, DAVID!
>> Paul: CERTAINLY APPROPRIATE
RESPONSE.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE A
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, PERFECT
KIND OF CHILLY NOVEMBER
AFTERNOON FOR A THANKSGIVING.
AND I CAN SEE THERE THAT YOU'VE
BEEN BAKING THE PIES.
HOW MANY DO WE HAVE TONIGHT,
MOM.
>> WE HAVE TWO PIES.
>> TWO PIES, TWO PIES.
AND AS YOU KNOW, I WILL -- I
DON'T NEED ANY HINTS FOR THIS.
GO AHEAD, YOU BETTER NOT UNCOVER
THEM, ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: NOW IN A MINUTE, WHEN I
GO INTO THE TRANS, ALL I NEED
FROM YOU IS TO TRANSMIT THE NAME
OF THE FIRST PIE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND, JUST THE NAME
THE VARIETY OF THE FIRST PIE.
>> I'M TRANSMITTING.
>> NOT YET, MOM!
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WAIT TILL I GIVE YOU
THE SIGNAL, ALL RIGHT?
>> OH, ALL RIGHT.
>> Dave: FIRST I HAVE TO GO INTO
A TRANCE, ALL RIGHT, MOM.
>> OKAY.
>> Dave: AND WILL USE SOME
SWAMEE MUSIC, ALL RIGHT, PAUL.
HERE WE GO.
(LAUGHTER)
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU TRANSMITTING, MOM.
>> I'M TRANSMITTING.
>> Dave: OKAY.
THE FIRST PIE PUMPKIN.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
>> OH MY GOD!
>> Paul: OH!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: BOY, LOOK AT THAT.
I'M TELLING YOU.
MARTHA STEWART SHOULD LOOK AT
THAT AND GO RIGHT BACK TO
PRISON.
LOOK AT THAT PIE!
IS THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PUMPKIN PIE YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN
YOUR LIFE.
>> Paul: PERFECT, LOOK AT THE
GLIMMER, THE SHINE.
>> Dave: WHEN DID YOU BAKE THESE
MOM, THIS MORNING?
>> THIS MORNING.
>> Dave: OH MY GOD SO THEY ARE
STILL PIPING HOT, FRESH, OUT OF
THE OVEN.
>> THEY'RE COOLED OFF BY NOW.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Paul: HONESTY IS THE BEST
POLICY.
THAT'S WHY SHE WON'T --
>> I WILL GO INTO A TRANCE AGAIN
MOM, AND I WILL GUESS THE SECOND
PIE.
THIS TIME I WILL ASK YOU TO
TRANSMIT ON A DIFFERENT
FREQUENCY, IF YOU WILL.
FOR SECURITY F YOU CAN SWITCH
FREQUENCIES, ALL RIGHT.
>> Dave: ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.
PIE NUMBER TWO, SHOW ME CHERRY!
>> NO.
>> Dave: AH, COME ON!
IS IT APPLE?
>> NO.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: IS IT ONE OF THOSE
WEIRD NUT PIES YOU MAKE FROM
TIME TO TIME?
>> NOT THIS YEAR.
>> Dave: OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS,
IT SUGAR CREAM PIE.
>> NO.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Paul: THAT WAS A GOOD GUESS,
THOUGH.
>> Dave: IT WAS AN EXCELLENT
GUESS.
CHERRY.
>> NOT CHERRY.
>> Dave: YEAH.
DID I SAY CHERRY ALREADY?
>> YES, YOU DID.
>> Dave: PAUL, YOU WANT TO HELP
ME OUT -- OH, I KNOW, RHUBARB.
>> NOT, RHUBARB.
>> Paul: SHE WOULDN'T DO IT.
>> Dave: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
>> Paul: OH, YOU ARE GOING TO
THE LIST.
HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU MADE THIS PIE
BEFORE?
>> YES, I HAVE.
>> Dave: WHAT YEAR, DO YOU
REMEMBER WHAT YEAR YOU MADE IT.
>> Paul: NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
RASPBERRY.
>> NOT RASPBERRY.
>> Dave: CHOCOLATE.
>> NO.
>> Dave: COCONUT BUTTERSCOTCH PE
CAN.
>> NO.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: I'M OUT OF PIES.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
GIVE ME A HINT, MOM.
>> WELL, IT'S A BERRY PIE.
>> Dave: BERRY PIE, STRAWBERRY,
STRAWBERRY?
>> NO.
>> Dave: IS POISONOUS.
>> OF COURSE NOT.
>> Dave: RED RASPBERRY.
>> YOU GUESSED THAT ALREADY.
>> Dave: SEE.
BLUEBERRY.
>> YOU GOT IT.
>> OH MY GOD!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: BLUEBERRY.
NOW MOM, THIS STRICTLY SPEAKING
IS OUT OF SEASON, THIS BLUEBERRY
PIE, THAT'S WHAT THREW ME.
>> WELL, I PUT BLUEBERRIES IN
THE FREEZER IN SEASON.
>> Dave: WELL, THANKS FOR
LETTING ME KNOW.
>> NOW YOU KNOW.
>> Dave: WELL, THEY'RE
ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
AND AFTER THE BIG DINNER, OH,
FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU MIND IF WE
TAKE A PEAK IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR
THIS IS ALWAYS FUN ON
THANKSGIVING TO SEE WHAT MOM HAS
GOT GOING ON IN HER REFRIGERATOR
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WAIT A MINUTE.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OKAY.
NOW MOM, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
AFTER THANKSGIVING DINNER?
>> WELL, THE BAKERY WANTS THEIR
PIES BACK.
>> Dave: OH, YOU'RE JUST
KIDDING.
HAVE A GREAT DAY MOM, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HEAR'S TONIGHT'S TOP
TEN LIST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
DOESN'T SHE LOOK TREMENDOUS.
>> Paul: SHE IS FANTASTIC.
>> Dave: JUST LOVELY.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: CATEGORY, CATEGORY
THANKS I, DAVE, AM THANKFUL FOR.
CATEGORY IS THINKS I'M THANKFUL
FOR.
NUMBER TEN.
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ONAR TELEVISION SHOW
"WILL & GRACE" AND HAS BEEN KIND
ENOUGH TO SPEND PART OF HER
THANKSGIVING WITH US.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S THE
LOVELY MEGAN MULLALLY.
(APPLAUSE)
[♪♪♪]
>> Dave: HOW ABOUT THAT?
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE?
>> WE CAME STRAIGHT FROM THE
TRAIN PARADE.
>> Dave: STRAIGHT FROM THE
PARADE.
>> YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US
GETTING THROUGH THE SUBWAY
TURNSTILE, NIGHTMARE.
>> Dave: WELL, THAEP
THANKSGIVING, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH INTO HOW IS
YOUR DAY GOING SO FAR.
>> IT'S GOING PRETTY WELL.
>> Dave: LATER YOU WILL BE WITH
YOUR FAMILY.
>> WE'RE COMING TO YOUR PLACE,
RIGHT?
>> Dave: OH?
>> ME AND THE BAND.
>> Dave: YOU ARE CERTAINLY MORE
THAN WELCOME.
IS YOUR FAMILY WITH YOU HERE.
>> YES, MY MOM IS HERE.
AND HER BOYFRIEND, MY HUSBAND --
>> MOM AND BOYFRIEND.
>> YES, AND TWO OF MY FRIENDS
I'VE KNOWN SINCE 7th GRADE AND
THEIR HUSBANDS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE DIN
ENGINE THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
>> YEAH, MY MOM AND HER
BOYFRIEND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, I
WANT TO SAY SIX OR SEVEN YEARS
NOW, THEY'RE SOMEWHERE OUT
THERE.
>> Dave: COULD I ASK HOW OLD
YOUR MOM IS?
>> SHE'S YOUR MOM'S AGE,
ACTUALLY.
>> Dave: MY MOM'S 84.
>> YES, WELL, THERE YOU GO.
AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
BOYFRIEND, IS JUST A TEENY BIT
OLDER THAN MY MOM.
AND THEY HAVE A VERY LOVELY
RELATIONSHIP.
YEAH, MY MOM AND MY DAD WERE
FRIENDS WITH MY MOM'S NOW
BOYFRIEND AND HIS WIFE A LONG
TIME AGO WHEN I WAS A KID, HIS
WIFE PASSED AWAY, AND MY DAD
PASSED AWAY AND THEY WERE SET UP
ON A BLIND DATE AND HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER EVER SINCE.
>> Dave: VERY NICE.
LOVELY STORY.
THEY SOUND LIKE THEY ARE IN GOOD
SHAPE.
>> YES, AND THEY ALWAYS REALLY
-- THEY COMPLETELY WEAR US OUT.
THEY -- WE CANNOT OUTLAST THEM.
IT WILL BE 2:30 IN THE MORNING
AND THEY WILL BE, WANT ANOTHER
GLASS OF WINE?
MY HUSBAND SAID THAT WE HAVE TO
TRY TO SCORE SOME TRUCKER SPEED
THE NEXT TIME WE'RE OUT WITH
THEM ME OFF
VERY CHIVALROUSLY I THOUGHT THAT
WAS NICE OF HIM.
>> Dave: WHAT WAS HE LIKE.
HE WAS DRESSED UP AS A FARMER
AND SINGING.
WAS THAT FUN?
>> I LIKE HIM, I THINK HE'S
FUNNY AND I GET A BIG KICK OUT
OF HIM.
BECAUSE I THINK HE JUST WANTS TO
HAVE FUN NOW.
HE HAS LIKE $48 BILLION, AND WHY
NOT HAVE FUN.
>> Dave: EXACTLY.
>> YEAH, AND I GET A KICK OUT OF
HIM.
AND HE WAS REALLY INTO IT,
APPARENTLY FOR WEEKS BEFORE, HE
WAS SINGING GREEN ACRES AROUND
THE OFFICE.
AND IT WAS HIS IDEA TO WEAR THE
OVERALLS.
HE -- I HAD A PITCH FOR THE SONG
I WANTED TO ADD AT LEAST ONE
JOKE.
AND IT GOES, YOU KNOW T GOES --
THE STORES -- THE CHORE, THE
STORES, FRESH AIR, TIMES SQUARE,
AND SO I PITCHED FRESH AIR, AND
I WAS DOING IT AS MY KAREN, --
CHARACTER KAREN.
>> FRESH AIR, BLACK TAR HEROIN.
AND HE HAD THE SAME REACTION.
YEAH.
AND HE SAID -- AND'S SAID PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE HEROIN RIGHT NOW.
>> Dave: RIGHT NOW.
>> YEAH, RIGHT NOW.
LIKE THEY USED TO LIKE IT, BUT
NOW IT'S OUT.
>> Dave: YEAH, SURE.
THEY WILL COME BACK TO IT.
>> THEY NEVER LIKED IT, REALLY,
THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.
AND I SAY WELL, WHAT IF I SAY --
TRUMP TOWER.
AND HE SAID WELL, NOW, PEOPLE
LIKE THAT.
THAT WILL GO --
>> PREFER THAT TO HEROIN, HANDS
DOWN.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: AND HER IT IS, AND, OH,
YOU LOOK LOVELY.
AND YOU CAN'T TELL YOU ARE
INJURED.
>> AREN'T YOU NICE IS THAT AND
THIS WAS THE WINNING PERFORMANCE
S THAT RIGHT?
>> WELL, WE DID -- WE BEAT
OUT -- SHATNER WAS THE ONE TO
BEAT AND WE BEAT OUT SHATNER,
SOMEHOW.
TRUMP TOLD ME THAT IF I SAID
BLACK TAR HEROIN WE WOULDN'T
WIN.
>> YEAH.
>> SO I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO BE
ON MY HEAD.
>> Dave: YEAH.
AND I GUESS THERE WAS VERY
LITTLE CHANCE OF HIM FALLING ON
THE PITCHFORK.
>> NO.
YOU SAY THAT KIND OF WISTFULLY.
>> Dave: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
TOO MUCH TO HOPE FOR, I GUESS.
>> SHOOT.
>> Dave: AM I RIGHT ABOUT THIS S
IS TRAUMATIC.
AND THIS AND THAT.
BUT I HAD A LOVE INTEREST THIS
YEAR.
>> Dave: ALEC BALDWIN.
>> Dave: HE IS TREMENDOUS.
>> HE IS GREAT.
HE'S JUST A GREAT GUY, SO FUNNY.
>> Dave: HE IS VERY FUNNY.
>> THERE IS ONE EPISODE, I'M A
CHARACTER ACTRESS SO I DON'T
HAVE A LOT OF KISSING SCENES
NORMALLY.
BUT I HAD TO REALLY KISS HIM FOR
AN EXTENDED PERIOD BECAUSE IT
WAS THIS VERY -- IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A DINNER WHERE HE AND I
ARE A GROSS -- ACROSS THE TABLE
FROM ANOTHER COUPLE AND THEY ARE
ON A BLIND DATE.
AND WE ARE VERY INAPPROPRIATELY
MAKING OUT FOR LIKE AN EXTENDED
PERIOD OF TIME SO MY HUSBAND IS
VERY SWEET.
HE COMES TO ALMOST EVERY TAPING.
SO HE IS THERE, WHICH IS ONE --
THAT IS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> Dave: SO HE HAS TO WATCH YOU
MAKING OUT WITH ALEC BALDWIN.
>> YEAH.
BUT THEN.
>> Dave: OUCH.
>> WHERE THIS IS TRUE, MY
EX-HUSBAND IS ALEC BALDWIN'S
AGENT.
SO HE IS ALSO THERE.
SO THEY ARE BOTH STANDING THERE.
>> Dave: CRAZY.
>> LOOKING GOOD.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THAT'S CRAZY.
>> IT WAS HORRIBLE.
THAT'S NOT FAIR, THE ONE TIME I
GET TO KISS SOMEBODY AND I GOT
TWO HUSBANDS OUT THERE.
>> Dave: AIN'T THAT THE WAY.
>> ISN'T IT?
>> NOW, THIS IS -- YOU HAVE
ACTUALLY FRAGRANCES S THAT
RIGHT?
>> THE HOLIDAY SHOPPING, SEE,
YEAH, I JUST -- THIS ONE, YOU
KNOW, EVERYBODY'S DOING THOSE
FRAGRANCES, SO I THOUGHT I NEED
TO JUMP ON THAT BAND WAGON AND
GET A PIECE OF THE ACTION.
THIS ONE IS KIND OF FOR A FIRST
DATE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: THIRD BASE.
>> YEAH.
(APPLAUSE)
>> THIS O ONE IS IF YOU WANT TO
FEEL NOR BOSMY.
I CALL IT "BOSOMY"
>> Dave: NOW, HOW EXACTLY DOES A
FRAGRANCE MAKE ONE FEEL BOSOMY.
>> OH, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
KNOW.
>> Dave: YES, I WOULD.
>> AND THIS ONE, IF I WENT TO
THE FRAGRANCE COMPANY AND THEY
SAID IF YOU COULD PICK ONE WORD
TO DESCRIBE YOU, I SAID THAT'S
EASY, OBVIOUSLY.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: IT'S GOING TO BE VERY
SUCCESSFUL.
>> A
>> Dave: THERE'S SOMETHING VERY
SPECIAL MORE YOU THIS EVENING,
BIFF HENDERSON, ONE OF OUR STAGE
MANAGERS WILL NOW BE TELLING US
THE STORY OF THE FIRST
THANKSGIVING.
BIFF?
>> THANKS, DAVE.
THANKSGIVING COMMEMORATES THE
BATTLES THAT FACED THE PILGRIMS
IN THEIR NATIVE AMERICA IN 1621.
WHILE THERE WERE TOUGH TIMES IN
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS, THE
FIRST THANKSGIVING WAS A TIME
FOR THE PILL FWRIMS TO REFLECT
ON ALL THE GIFTS WAITING FOR
THEM IN THE NEW WORLD.
>> Dave: BIFF, THAT'S A LOVELY
SENTIMENT.
BUT WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU DRESSED
AS A -- IS THAT LIKE A VAMPIRE
IS THAT LIKE DAMAGE YOU LA, IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE DRACULA, WHAT
IS THAT?
>> IT IS ALL THE THINGS LYING
AROUND.
AND ALL THE COSTUME SHOPS ARE
CLOSED BECAUSE IT'S THANKSGIVING
DUMB ASS.
MAKING US WORK JUST BECAUSE YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS WHO WANT
TO EAT WITH YOU.
>> Dave: OKAY.
>> HOPE THEY RIP YOUR HEART OUT
AGAIN OLD MAN?
>> WHAT?
WHAT?
>> THANKS, BIFF, BIFF HENDERSON,
WITH THE STORY OF THE FIRST
THANKSGIVING.