I KNOW, AS THE LATE SHOW HOST, I HAVE HUGE RESPONSIBILITIES.

AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVE JEB BUSH ON THE SHOW TONIGHT, I PROMISE

YOU THAT, JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE MEDIA, I WILL BE COVERING

ALL OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, WHO ARE....

DONALD TRUMP. AND DONALD-- NO, NO, PLEASE, LET

IT GO. WE ALL LOVE HIM.

AND DONALD "THE TRUMP" IS AT IT AGAIN.

AND DONALD "THE TRUMP" IS AT IT AGAIN.

THIS TIME, HE MADE NEWS WITH WHAT CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND

WHAT GOES IN IT. >> THE OTHER DAY, NABISCO--

NABISCO. OREOS, RIGHT?

OREOS. I LOVE OREOS.

I'LL NEVER EAT THEM AGAIN, OKAY? I'LL NEVER EAT THEM AGAIN.

NO, NABISCO CLOSES A PLANT, THEY JUST ANNOUNCED A COUPLE OF DAYS

AGO, IN CHICAGO, AND THEY'RE MOVING THE PLANT TO MEXICO.

NOW, WHY? WHY?

>> I'M NEVER EATING OREOS AGAIN. EVER, EVER.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, DONALD TRUMP IS SWEARING OFF OREOS.

HE CLAIMS MEXICO IS TAKING OUR ECONOMY, RIPPING IT IN TWO,

SCRAPING OUT THE CREAMY CENTER AND THEN DUNKING IT IN MILK!

SO GOOD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'VE LOST TRACK OF THE METAPHOR. LET'S SAY THE MILK IS CHINA.

NOW, I'M NOT SURPRISED TRUMP IS WILLING TO STAND UP TO BIG

COOKIE. HE'S THE ONLY CANDIDATE BRAVE

ENOUGH TO DEPORT THE KEEBLER ELVES.

"HEY, TREE FREAKS! GET YOUR FILTHY FUDGY FINGERS

OFF OUR JOBS!" OF COURSE, TRUMP'S ANTI-OREO

STANCE PUTS OTHER REPUBLICANS IN A TOUGH SPOT.

HE'S FORCING THEM TO DECIDE BETWEEN ALIENATING LATINO VOTERS

AND EATING A HYDROX. ( LAUGHTER )

JIMMY, PLEASE. A FAMILY SHOW.

TAKE IT DOWN. ONE IS ENOUGH.

THAT IS THAT IS THE ONLY TRUMP STORY

I'LL BE TREATING MYSELF TO TONIGHT.

WELL, MAYBE JUST ONE MORE. >> THE QUESTION IS, HOW ARE YOU

GOING TO BUILD A 1,900-MILE WALL?

>> VERY EASY. I'M A BUILDER.

THAT'S EASY. I BUILD BUILDINGS THAT ARE-- CAN

I TELL YOU WHAT'S MORE COMPLICATED?

WHAT'S MORE COMPLICATED IS BUILDING A BUILDING THAT'S 95

STORIES TALL. >> Stephen: YES, A BORDER WALL

COULDN'T BE SIMPLER. JUST BUILD A 95-STORY BUILDING

AND KNOCK IT OVER 10,000 TIMES. THEN,...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEN YOU KEEP THE MEXICANS OUT

WITH A DOOR MAN. ( LAUGHTER )

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH.

OKAY. YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT.

I DESERVE ONE MORE. >> THERE'S SUPPORT FOR YOU AMONG

MEMBERS OF WHITE SUPREMACIST GROUPS.

WHITE SUPREMACIST GROUPS TALKING EBULLIENTLY ABOUT YOU, TALKING

WHY THEY ABOUT-- WHY THEY LIKE YOU SO MUCH.

WOULD THAT TROUBLE YOU AT ALL? >> A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE ME.

>> Stephen: I KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT.

YES, EVERYBODY LIKES TRUMP, EVEN WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE TRUMP'S NOT EVEN WHITE.

HE'S MORE "OOMPA-LOOMP- AMERICAN."

OKAY, THAT WAS DEFINITELY THE LAST ONE!

AFTER THIS ONE. >> COME.

COME. IS IT MINE?

LOOK. >> YES.

>> IT IS. SAY IT, PLEASE.

>> YES, I BELIEVE IT IS. >> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: SEE? WHAT'S ON TOP OF HIS HEAD IS

DEFINITELY HIS. NOW IT'S UP TO SCIENCE TO DECIDE

WHETHER OR NOT IT'S HAIR. NO, NO, NO.

GOT TO EXERCISE SOME DISCIPLINE. YOU DON'T OWN ME, AND I DON'T

NEED TO PLAY TAPE OF YOU TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL TV SHOW!

>> BARBARA WALTERS NAMED ME THE MOST WHATEVER-IT-IS OF THE YEAR!

>> Stephen: I AGREE WITH BARBARA.

YOU ARE THE MOST WHATEVER-IT-IS OF ALL-TIME.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOU!

SOMEONE ON TELEVISION SHOULD HAVE A MODICUM OF DIGNITY, AND

IT COULD BE ME! >> HE'S A CLOWN.

WHAT A STIFF. TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT.

STUPID. STUPID.

STUPID. VERY STUPID.

YOU CAN'T BE BOOM, BOOM. TOTAL CONTROL.

BING, BING, BONG, BONG, BING, BING, BING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, RIGHT? YOU KNOW THE LITTLE BING, BING,

BING, BONG, BONG. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, TOO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH!

OH, DONALD, I LOVE YOU, TOO. BUT I THINK-- I THINK I'M GOING

TO HATE MYSELF IN THE MORNING. STAY TUNED.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GEORGE CLOONEY.

OH, GET IN MY MOUTH! ♪ ♪ ♪