But that's very rarely the case.

但情況其實並非如此。

When it comes to affairs, we spent far too long being incensed or secretive, and far too little time trying to understand.

發生外遇的時候，我們往往都處於憤怒或是不願對外張揚的情況， 卻很少試著去了解背後的原因。

In truth, affairs stem from a very fiddly aspect of our romantic psychology.

事實上，外遇源於戀愛心理學中很複雜的一點。

In relationships with a partner, all of us need carefully calibrated mixtures of two different ingredients.

當與另一半交往時，雙方必須小心地估算好兩種不同物質的混合比例。

We have a need for closeness and a need for distance.

我們有親密關係的需求，也有自我空間的需求。

We want to impart closeness to feel we can hug, touch, be cozy, intimate, and entirely relax at home with someone.

我們想要親密的距離，讓我們能夠擁抱、觸摸對方，感到舒適和與親暱，能夠與某人完全放鬆地在家。

We want them to know our thoughts and to wander freely in their minds too.

我們想讓對方了解我們的想法，並且也能無拘無束地漫步在對方心中。

But we also need distance enough not to feel cloyingly submerged, subsumed, or owned by another.

但我們也需要足夠的空間才不會感到對方太粘人、失去自己空間，或是全都被對方占為己有。

We want to retain a sense of freedom.

我們想保有一些自由的感覺。

We need a private room to which we alone have the key.

我們需要一個私人空間，而且只有自己有那把鑰匙。

Any imbalances towards over closeness or over distance may prove catastrophic if left unaddressed.

任何的不平衡，不管是太親近或是太有距離感，如果不處理，都會引起嚴重的問題。

In a relationship which threatens to lean perilously towards over-closeness,

在一段過度親密到對感情產生威脅的關係中，

we can be driven to strain by powerful urge to prove to ourselves that not everything we do and are is owned by the partner.

我們可能會變得精神緊繃，因為我們急於想要向自己證明，我們做的所有事情和我們本身的存在都不是只為了伴侶。

That we remain desirable to the world and a going concern in and of ourselves.

對這個世界而言，我們仍有魅力且主宰著自己。

Going to bed with a new person might not simply be about lust.

如此一來，與陌生人上床也許不僅僅只是情慾。

It's about escaping the alarming feeling once all identity appears to be on the verge of dissolving into the couple.

而是逃離那種令人擔憂的感覺，好像自己所有的身份都要被情侶關係給遮蔽掉。

But too much distance can undermine fidelity no less powerfully.

但過份的疏離同樣也會對情侶間的忠誠度產生破壞。

The distance reads like constant rejection.

這種距離會被解讀成經常性的拒絕。

When we try to touch the partner, they move away or sigh.

當我們試著觸碰對方，但對方移開身體或是嘆氣。

When we bring up something personal, they change the subject.

當我們提起一些私人的事，他們就轉移話題。

We may end up having an affair, not because we don't love the partner anymore, but precisely because we do,

我們可能會轉而去尋求外遇，並不是因為我們不再愛著對方，準確來說，而是因為我們還愛著對方，

and yet the distance they appear to be imposing on us through that lack of engagement feels unendurable and humiliating.

但這種好像強加於我們身上的距離感，以及缺少參與彼此生活的感覺，讓我們感到難以承受以及尷尬羞恥。

It's the final irony that if caught will be accused of not caring when it was caring too much might have inspired the whole mistaken escapade.

諷刺的是，當外遇的那方被抓到，就會被控訴不再在意對方了，但其實就是因為太在意了，才觸發這一整個錯誤的出軌行為。

Tragically, two people almost never enter a relationship with the same needs for distance or closeness.

悲慘的是，兩個人進入一段感情時，對於親密感與自我空間的需求幾乎不會是一樣的。

That's why in every couple, we hear the accusation that one person is too clingy and another is too cold.

這就是為什麼我們會聽到每對情侶都會指責其中一方太黏，而另一方又太冷淡。

These are unhelpfully vicious words for what are at heart just two different ways of feeling comfortable in love.

這些是毫無幫助的惡毒言語，因為在兩個人心中，對於愛情的舒適度本就不同。

It's, therefore, an early imperative in any relationship to work out what the relatively needs for distance and closeness actually are to avoid disjuncture, not to get angry about it.

所以，為了避免分手或為此而生氣，在交往時就儘早地思考並解決雙方對於自我空間以及親密感的需求是很重要的。

And mutually with good humor, to apologize for once distinctive contribution to it.

並且都用幽默感為曾讓這段關係產生裂縫的行為道歉。

Only thus can we hope to ensure that the gap won't lead in an online chat, at a bar or at a conference to a situation where only an affair feels like a plausible solution to the vexing problems of distance and closeness.

只有這樣，我們才有希望確保兩人之間的代溝不會導致某一方和其他人在網上、酒吧或會議時聊天，落入一個看似外遇才是唯一解決距離感和親暱問題的情況中。