Between both of us,

我們兩人

we've gotten more press over tripping and falling

可說是史上因跌倒而登上

than anyone in history.

新聞媒體最多次的人

I know, I know.

我知道，我知道。

I fell in every single city on the press tour

我在這次巡迴的每個城市都跌倒

I fell around the world.

在世界各地跌倒

I fell around the world, and have the bruises.

我在世界各地跌倒，到處瘀青。

Yeah, hahaha.

是的，哈哈哈哈。

And people think it's a schtick but it's not

大家以為是炒作但其實不是

Well, yeah.

是的，沒錯。

That's what.. I was doing another talk show

所以我在另一個我不指名的

that I won't mentioned

談話性節目中，

Wow, please, we're the only one that exists.

哇，拜託，我們是獨家呢。

And I was like waving to the audience

當時我跟觀眾揮手

And they wanted to talk about falling

他們想討論關於跌倒的事情

but I don't wanna do it

但我並不想

cause I'm afraid people will think it's like a schtick

因為我很怕大家覺得我在炒作

and it actually makes me kind of mad when it happens.

這件事真的很惹惱我

Oh, it's not fun to fall.

不過，這真的很有趣。

It's not fun, it's embarrassing.

這一點都不有趣，超級丟臉的。

And now at this point, it's so embarrassing

尤其現在是敏感時期，就更丟臉了。

and so I was like 'No, I don't want to talk about it'

所以我跟他們說「不，我不想聊這件事」

and then, I came out and waved to the audience

然後，我走出來向觀眾揮手打招呼

like 'Oh, hi!'

像「喔，嗨！」這樣

And then my heel slipped, I didn't fall but I had like a..

忽然我的高跟鞋打滑，雖然沒有跌倒但我就一臉⋯⋯

And I made em cut it out of the show!

最後，我要求他們把整段從節目中剪掉！

Yeah, everyone's like 'hahaha, we got you again!'

是阿，大家應該會笑說「哈哈哈哈哈，我們又逮到你跌倒了！」

And you'll never know which show it was!

沒有人會知道是哪個節目哼！

' You fall all the time!'

「你總是在跌倒！」

Yesterday on the plane, I spilled yogurt all over the plane.

昨天在機上，我打翻優格弄得到處都是

and the whole plane smelled like sour milk the whole time

整個客艙內都是優格的味道

You're welcome

不用客氣

You're fun to hang out!

跟你相處太有趣了！

Yeah, haha!

是吧，哈哈！

I'm just concerned, I just don't want you to be hurt.

我只是會擔心，希望不要受傷。

I'm a good babysitter.

我是個很好的保姆。

No, my god, you are so fun to hang out.

不，我的天，跟你相處太好玩了。

People trust me with kids.

大家很放心讓我帶小孩的。

You are so fun.

太有趣了。

Do you remember when we hung out once,

你還記得有一次，

and we embarrassed ourselves in front of Jennifer Lopez?

我們在 Jennifer Lopez 面前出糗的事嗎？

Oh yeah, I remember.

是阿，我記得。

Because we wanted her to dance with us

因為我們邀他一起跳舞

She wouldn't.

他不肯。

and she just wouldn't dance with us.

但他就是不肯

Yeah.

是阿

I think everybody thinks that they've witnessed

我想大家都覺得他們已經目擊了

my most embarrassing moments

我最丟臉的時刻

cause I fell on my face getting an Oscar

因為我在奧斯卡典禮上摔跤

and then I fell the next year on a cone

隔年又再次跌倒

Hahaha!

哈哈哈哈！

audience laughing

（觀眾笑）

But like,

但是，

there are these two really humiliating stories

其實有兩個更羞愧的事件

that are my most embarrassing moments

才是我自認為人生最丟臉的時刻

that I never talked about

我不曾在公開場合提及

because it is so genuinely embarrassing

因為實在是太丟人現眼了

But now I feel like

但現在我覺得

the statue of limitations on humiliation is up, and I'm ready.

再怎麼丟臉都已事過境遷，我準備好了。

Which one, let's get us to hear one of them.

什麼故事呢，和我們分享第一個吧。

My most embarrassing moment um was

我最丟臉的時刻是

during Silver Linings year, like awards season

在拍攝《派特的幸福劇本》那一年，

it was one of those parties like HU HU HU HU.

參加了一些派對，玩瘋了

Yeah!

是！

And so I'm just like in a corner drinking champaign like ERR.

那時我在角落喝著香檳

An older woman approached me and was being really really nice

一位有年紀的女士朝我走來且非常友善

really complimentary

非常讚賞我地的和我問候

and in my head I just went, 'This is Elizabeth Taylor!'

我腦中忽然浮現「她就是 Elizabeth Taylor！」

who was dead at the time

一位當時早已過世的女士

who's still dead

當然現在也是

Sorry, she's since passed, I didn't know that

抱歉，他已往生但我不知道

and so the older woman was just talking to me

所以這位年長的女士在和我聊天時

I was like 'Oh my god, this is Elizabeth Taylor!'

我很驚訝「我的天阿，是 Elizabeth Taylor！」

No, no! Oh my god!

不會吧！我的天！

But you didn't say anything, did you?

但你沒有亂說話，有嗎？

Yeah, so she's complimenting me

有，他一直讚美我

She is complimenting me

一直讚美我

I was like 'me?! No, it's you!'

我就說「我？！不，你才厲害！」

'Your movies that I can't name,

「你那些我不知道名字的電影，

and your fashion moments that I don't know!'

以及我不知道的時尚舞台」

I was like, 'You are unbelievable!'

我說「你才是不可思議的女人！」

And then my friend walked by and I grabbed her

這時我朋友經過我便抓著他

and I was like, 'This is Elizabeth Taylor!!'

說「這是 Elizabeth Taylor！」

and she was like. '.....No it's not.'

我朋友回說「⋯⋯不他不是」

Hahahaha!

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！

And I just took off running

我當下拔腿就跑

There have been two social situations where I just like go 'Uh!'

我人生中有兩次在社交場合上因為出糗

And then I just sprinted and my shoes fell off and I hid behind like this wall.

拔腿就跑，連鞋子都掉了，躲在牆壁後面的經驗

Yeah, there's smoke coming out off your shoes

是阿，煙從你鞋子冒出的畫面

like 'Wooooo, bye Elizabeth!'

你邊跑邊喊著「呼！再見 Elizabeth！」

Yeah, no it's not her!

當然，那不可能是他！

Second,

第二，

cause I really really wanna plow through these things

因為我真的很想快速帶過

and get them over with

快點結束這個話題

No, we like hearing these things

不，我們聽得津津有味

Um, I always talk so fast

呃，我講話速度很快

cause I'm used to my brothers just being like

因為我已經習慣我哥總是

'Finish! Finish! Shut up!'

說「快說！快結束！閉嘴！」

No, please.

不，不要這樣想。

I feel like nobody wants to hear me talk.

我覺得沒有人想聽我說

I wanna hear, I wanna hear.

我想聽，我想聽。

Here.

這裡。

audience laughing

（觀眾笑）

Yogurt just came out of your nose.

昨天的優格從鼻子跑出來了

Hahaha

哈哈哈哈

Oh my god, so much phlegm

我的天，好糗⋯⋯

Oh my god, hahaha, tell me the other...

我的天，哈哈哈哈，跟我分享另一個⋯⋯

And this isn't even an embarrassing moment for me

這甚至不是我最丟臉的時刻

No, this is fun!

不，這很有趣。

I got a lot of phlegm. This is normal

因為我太多糗事了

Yeah, phlegm is cool

是阿，也沒關係啦！

Whatever.

隨便啦。

Umm, so I'm in Paris for the first time.

所以，我第一次到巴黎

again for movies and fufufu

當然就是為了電影跟食物食物食物

and so I was in like one of those cool Tom Ford dresses with the zips

我當天穿著拉鍊在側邊

and everything

的洋裝

Sure.

是。

And I saw Francis Ford Coppola

然後我遇見了 Francis Ford Coppola

but it actually was Francis Ford Coppola

這次真的是 Francis Ford Coppola 本人

Haha, it really was him.

哈哈，真的是本人。

Maybe you just keep hanging out in like wax museums

或許你都在蠟像博物館

so 'I was hanging out with Abraham Lincoln,

幻想說「我跟 Abraham Lincoln 在一起，

he was by George Washington, he was there too

旁邊還有 George Washington，他也在。」

I had tea with the pope

我在喝茶

I was the only drinking

我是唯一在喝的人

I was the only one who had tea

只有我在喝茶

It really was Francis Ford Coppola

他真的是 Francis Ford Coppola 本人

It really was Francis Ford Coppola

他真的是 Francis Ford Coppola 本人

Godfather, I mean, come on he is popular

演出《教父》，拜託他超紅的

Yeah, so I was like debated the whole time

是阿，我內心掙扎超久

like 'Do I go up to him? Do I not go up....'

「到底要不要去跟他打招呼呢？」

And then finally

最後，

I was like, 'I have to or l'll regret it for the rest of my life'

我跟我自己說「我必須上前打招呼否則我會後悔一輩子」

And this is at a restaurant?

在一間餐廳？

At a restaurant in Paris, and he's with

在巴黎的一間餐廳，他和

a giant group of people and they take out most of the...

一群在這一起，幾乎在餐廳包場

I mean, it's a huge table of people.

意思是說，他和很多人在一起

And I started walking, and I noticed I was barefoot

我走上前去，這時我發現自己赤腳

but I was like 'Umm, maybe they probably won't notice'

但又覺得「呃，大家大概不會發現吧」

and so I'm barefoot

就僥倖地赤腳

And then I introduced myself, and I was like 'I'm such a huge fan of Godfather! Wow'

上前去自我介紹，還說「我是《教父》的頭號粉絲」

and went on and introduced myself to the whole table like,

並且一一向整桌的人介紹自己

'hi, I'm Jennifer Lawrence,' and they had no idea who I was.

「你好，我是 Jennifer Lawrence」當然他們壓跟不認識我

Went back to my table, my entire dress was unzipped

回到我的位置，我才發現我整件裙子的拉鍊都沒拉

and my thong was out.

我的臀部外露

audience laughing

So i was barefoot and my whole ass was out

所以我不僅赤腳我還大露屁股

audience laughing

Does that just happen? I didn't know that happened with dresses

這件事到底怎麼發生的？

It was like.... I don't know

就是⋯⋯我也不知道

The side.

拉鍊在側邊。

Yeah, I was making room for my gut

是阿，我想我只是在壯膽

and I unzipped the whole thing then forgot

就把拉鍊拉下然後忘地一乾二淨

so I thought it was the shoes that were gonna be the problem

我還以為只有沒穿鞋子是個問題呢

You thought they were impressed with meeting you

大家一定當下很佩服你

-and then I walk away 　-and they were like

瀟灑地離去

equally impressive!

等同的敬佩！

Yeah, they were like: wow, hey! That's fantastic

哇，嘿！

What a jerk!

混蛋一個！

Hahahaha!

哈哈哈哈哈

They thought the whole was a joke

這是開玩笑的

We always talk about... I met... my worst moment

我們也很常調侃我的糗事

I met Clark Davis

我遇到 Clark Davis

so I'll make this quick.

讓我快速帶過

I saw him again at a big table.

我在一個聚餐中遇到他

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

快點，快點，快點。

Yeah, he was at a table he was sitting there

是，他坐在那一桌

i should say Hi. it's Clive Davis

所以我上前去打招呼說「你好，Clark Davis」

so I went over and there's a big table with a group of people

那裡有一桌的人

I went over and 'Hi, Clark, I'm Jimmy Fallon.'

我便自我介紹「你好，我是 Jimmy Fallon」

And then he goes like.....

然後他就⋯⋯

So I go 'Does he want me to kiss him on the cheek?'

所以我就在想「他是想要我親他的臉頰嗎？」

so I went and I kissed him

所以我只好真的這麼做

And he was like 'WHAT?'

他驚訝地說「什麼？！」

and I go 'What?'

我也納悶「什麼？」

And this is whoever he was with was like, 'He couldn't hear what you are saying.'

某人就說「他只是聽不到你在說什麼」

I was like 'Oh....' Hahahaha

我當下「喔⋯⋯」哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

Hold on, I'm so sorry

不好意思，我真的很抱歉

I kissed him and I never met him or talked to him ever again

我親了他之後，我再也沒有見過或遇過他了。