DAVID WAIN: New York City.

The women here are unbelievable.

But what am I ever going to do about it?

I mean, I get so nervous anytime I even get close to

asking women out in public, even though I

have a great opening.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh my god.

You would not believe the day I've had.

Everything has gone wrong.

Look, I know I don't know you.

I know it's a little awkward.

But do you think you could just buy me a drink?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIMPERING]

DAVID WAIN: This is crazy.

I need to learn to meet women.

I need to get out of my shell.

I need Alias.

OK, so I called this guy, Alias, and I

signed up for his program.

It cost $1,500, but he guarantees that his students

can meet any woman and have sex with her or

get your money back.

So what have I got to lose?

ALIAS: What's up, David?

I'm Alias.

Are those your clothes?

DAVID WAIN: Yes.

ALIAS: No.

First off, we only concern ourselves with nines and tens.

Got it?

DAVID WAIN: Nines and tens.

Got it.

ALIAS: Now, just remember, beautiful women have guys

coming up to them all day long telling them how beautiful

they are, right?

DAVID WAIN: Right.

ALIAS: So what we do is deny them our approval, Holmes.

That way, we make them dependent upon us for it.

DAVID WAIN: Ah.

Seems so complicated.

Ah!

ALIAS: Check master out.

Great hair.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Uh, thanks.

ALIAS: Looks silky as shit.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Whatever.

ALIAS: Is it real?

FEMALE SPEAKER: What?

ALIAS: What, did you buy it?

Is it a weave?

Horse hair?

Dumb, cheap hooker.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Who are you?

ALIAS: Get lost.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Call me.

ALIAS: Doubt it.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Here.

Here.

Here.

ALIAS: See anyone you like?

How about her?

Go.

DAVID WAIN: Just go?

ALIAS: Step up to get your rep up, dude.

DAVID WAIN: All right.

Hey.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Hi.

DAVID WAIN: So I see you're buying jackets.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah, I like jackets.

DAVID WAIN: That may be true, but, uh, these ones are too

small for you.

You've, uh, got a few extra pounds.

FEMALE SPEAKER: What?

DAVID WAIN: Yeah, you're kind of a fat, chunky bitch.

Too many pounds.

I'm just so excited.

That gorgeous woman I met in the store is coming over for a

date tonight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh!

FEMALE SPEAKER: Hello, Wain.

DAVID WAIN: Hello, shithead.

FEMALE SPEAKER: David, there's something I have to tell you.

DAVID WAIN: Your hair smells like the carpet in the hallway

of an apartment building where old Russian people live.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh my god!

David, please, just listen to me.

DAVID WAIN: You look so stupid.

Can you even read?

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, god!

Take me.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

And I'm going to put in my diaphragm.

And then I am going to rock your brains out.

DAVID WAIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Woo!

[CELL RINGING]

DAVID WAIN: Hey, is this your phone?

Alias?

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh.

Oh, I tried to tell you.

DAVID WAIN: You've been working with

Alias the whole time?

It's just a scam.

FEMALE SPEAKER: No, no, no, no.

It was at first.

But then I really started to like you.

DAVID WAIN: [WHINING].

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, come on.

DAVID WAIN: Get away from me.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh no, David, please don't run away from

your own house.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

FEMALE SPEAKER: Excuse me, are you OK?

DAVID WAIN: Better than you with that

problem skin of yours.

[MUSIC PLAYING]