Kassia, have you seen this dog with braces?

Kassia，你看過這隻帶著牙套的狗狗嗎？

Oh, man, it's all over my feed.

老天，這一直出現在我的動態消息上。

Oh, no, I try not to look at Facebook.

喔，我沒看過那個，我盡量不看 Facebook。

What, why? Do you hate nerdy dogs?

甚麼，為何？你討厭怪狗狗嗎？

No. Facebook and I used to date.

不是。我之前和 Facebook 交往過。

Oh, really?

喔，真假？

Kassia.

Kassia。

Oh, no.

糟了。

Kassia, do you want to get some food?

Kassia，你想要吃點東西嗎？

Facebook, no. We broke up.

Facebook，不要這樣。我們分手了。

This is desperate.

你很不死心耶。

What do you mean?

甚麼意思？

Where do I start?

該從何講起呢？

Okay, here, for instance.

好吧，像是這個。

This year end review.

這個年度回顧功能。

That's nice.

這很溫馨啊。

It's thoughtless.

這根本不用心。

I don't care about any of this shit.

這根本不是我關心的東西。

It's just stuff I put up there that got a lot of likes.

你只是把我有很多讚的照片放在一起罷了。

Okay, and this?

還有，這又是什麼？

You're always showing me pictures of the way things used to be,

你老是給我看一些陳年的照片，

like you're trying to prove things were so great back when you were still relevant.

感覺好像你在不停地刷存在感。

We had good times.

我們有過很美好的回憶。

It's manipulative.

這是在操弄人心。

You are a manipulative person. This!

你是個喜歡操弄人心的人。還有這個！

Oh, I get a message from you, you have four unread messages, but first, you have to download this app in order to get it. That sucks.

喔，我收到了訊息，目前有四封未讀訊息，但我還得先下載這個 app 才能讀這些訊息。 這超爛的。

I'm a good boyfriend.

我是個稱職的男友。

I'm always asking you, "What's on your mind?"

我一直在問你「在想些什麼？」

Big deal.

啊不就好棒棒。

I'll always get you anything you want.

我總是為你拿到任何你想要的東西。

You liked WhatsApp, I bought that.

你喜歡 WhatsApp，我買下它了。

You liked Instagram, I bought that.

你喜歡 Instagram，我把它買下了。

You liked Oculus, I bought that.

你喜歡 Oculus，我也把它買下了。 (Oculus是一家製作頭戴式虛擬顯示器的公司)

I never said I liked Oculus.

我從來沒有說我喜歡 Oculus。

I got you all these new Like buttons.

我還弄了好多新的讚和表情符號。

You can also buy this shirt that says, "You wouldn't understand, it's a Kassia thing."

你還可以購買上面寫著「你不懂啦，這是 Kassia 的梗」的T恤。

Okay, you're lame now.

好啦，你現在落伍了。

You created a holiday, National Friends Day, just so we could hang out.

你創造了一個叫全國朋友日的節日，就只是讓我們可以跟朋友打發時間。

And when I do reach out, all you wanna talk about is politics or Blue Apron.

但當我真的想要找人聊天，你卻只想談論政治和 Blue Apron。 (美國知名食材電商)

Yeah, due to your history, I thought you would like Blue Apron.

是啊，根據你的瀏覽紀錄，我以為你會喜歡 Blue Apron。

That's the real issue.

這就是問題所在。

When we do hang out, you just do it now to sell my information to advertisers.

當我們真的出去玩時，你只會把我的個人資訊賣給廣告商。

You used to be fun and now it's all about the money.

你之前很風趣的，而現在你滿腦子只想著錢。

Well, money is how I was able to buy you Oculus...

這個嘛，我要賺多點錢才能幫你買 Oculus⋯

I don't give a fuck about Oculus!

我才不想要甚麼 Oculus 啦！

Okay?

懂嗎？

Listen, you are a smart computer person, right?

聽著，你是個聰明的資工人，對嗎？

And you're probably walkin' through life thinking, "Oh, everybody hates me because I'm a nerd."

而你在人生旅途中或許會想：「喔，大家不喜歡我，因為我是資工宅。」

I wanna tell you from the bottom of my heart, that's not why.

我打從心底告訴你，這不是你被討厭的原因。

They hate you because you sold their data.

人們之所以會討厭你是因為你出賣了大家的個資。

Plus, I have a new man now.

再說，我已經有了新男友。

Ready to go, babe?

準備好要走了嗎，寶貝？

You're dating Apple?

你在跟 Apple 交往？

I thought you were dating Snapchat?

我以為你在跟 Snapchat 交往？

Snapchat wasn't permanent.

Snapchat 只是個過渡男友罷了。

I like how safe I feel with Apple.

我喜歡跟 Apple 在一起的安全感。

Is this guy bothering you?

這傢伙打擾到妳了嗎？

Not anymore.

再也不會了。

Good.

很好

'Cause if he ever does, if he tries to see your data or get in your phone, I'll shut him down.

如果他敢，他膽敢竊取你的個資或是偷看你的手機，我會立馬把它關掉。

Nobody tells me what to do.

沒有人能告訴我該怎麼做。

And one more thing.

順帶一提。

I'm not afraid to go to jail.

我不怕去坐牢。

Love you, babe.

愛你，寶貝。

Love you.

我也愛你。

Dogs with braces aren't cool, do you know what's cool?

帶著牙套的狗狗不夠潮，你知道甚麼最潮嗎？

Shut the fuck up, Friendster.

閉上你的狗嘴，Friendster。(Friendster是全球首家社群網站，現已沒落)

Hey, it's Grant from CollegeHumor.

嘿，我是 CollegeHumor 的 Grant。

Click here to subscribe to the channel.

點擊這裡以訂閱我們的頻道。

Click here for more fun stuff.

點那裡可以看更多好笑的影片。

And sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out.

然後，抱歉各位，我好像被切掉了。

Am I out?

我被切掉了嗎？

I... 'cause like I can see the top of the camera, so it's...

我...因為我可以看到攝影機的頂端，所以應該...

Is this better?

這樣好一點了嗎？

All right, it feels worse.

這個嘛，感覺好像更糟。

Okay.

好吧。

Thanks for watching.

謝謝收看。