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  • Here's a glimpse into my past

  • To help you better understand

  • It was mistakes that brought me to this place

  • Where they degrade men,

  • And hands I would trade

  • Because it made me a slave,

  • Bondage and a cage,

  • Frustration, I'm enraged,

  • This was my last resort,

  • I ain't no stickup kid,

  • On my last Newport, no place to live,

  • Here's a glimpse into my past to help you better understand,

  • Everything that I am not makes me who I am.

  • I was 16.

  • I had just turned 16.

  • They had cages like they would have at the zoo,

  • but they were sectioned off, right.

  • And there were guys filled with them at capacity.

  • I just was like, you know, I am not one of them.

  • I do not belong here.

  • I do not want to be here.

  • I want to go home.

  • (faint voices in background)

  • I have 13 years.

  • I don't know if I could do it.

  • I don't know if I could wake up every day,

  • look at the same wall every day.

  • Like, about six months in, I gave up.

  • I'm not scared to admit.

  • I can't handle prison.

  • I'm not that strong.

  • I wasn't like a hellion or nothing like that,

  • or like just the worst kid.

  • But I got in trouble a little bit.

  • My mom was mad at me.

  • So I run away.

  • I met somebody and I went to his apartment.

  • He talked to me, asked me questions,

  • like did I want to stay there for a little while.

  • I could stay there for a couple of days.

  • They cooked me food, they fed me.

  • I thought, "You know what?

  • I'm just gonna try to go home."

  • And he said, "You're going home?"

  • So he left and went in the room.

  • When he came back out, he came back out with a gun.

  • And he said, "You think you're gonna eat my food for free?

  • "You think you're gonna live in my house and just walk out?

  • "And things come free like that?

  • No, nothing's free."

  • And he said, "No, you're gonna have to rob this store."

  • The way he made it sound was like this:

  • "If you do it for me, and if you do it successfully,

  • "I'll probably even give you some of the money.

  • But you're gonna do this for me."

  • It was in a Fastrip gas station.

  • I remember seeing gangster movies, "Menace II Society,"

  • "Boyz n the Hood," where they had guns.

  • And in all those movies, when they pulled their gun out,

  • they held it like this.

  • So that's what I did.

  • I put the gun to the guy's chest, and I said "Empty up."

  • - I hit my hand down like that.

  • The gun went off-- smoke, commotion.

  • No customers in the store.

  • - When the gun went off, it snapped me to attention.

  • I was, like, "Vacate the premises."

  • So I tried to run.

  • Store clerks hopped on top of me and started beating me.

  • I said, "God, if you get me out of this, I swear I'll be good.

  • "I swear.

  • "You have my word.

  • "Get me out of this and I'll be a good boy.

  • "I promise.

  • Amen."

  • - And then we held him at gunpoint until the cops came.

  • You have a lot of adrenaline running through your head

  • at the time, so you're not really thinking till after,

  • and then it all started sinking in

  • that this is really, um, a kid.

  • - Alarming news reports

  • describing teens as time bombs and superpredators.

  • - Youth is no excuse for committing murder, robbery,

  • rape, home invasions

  • or for terrorizing entire neighborhoods.

  • - Proponents argue stern measures are necessary

  • to combat rising youth crimes.

  • - Many of the worst superpredators were juveniles

  • and they were being referred to a system that was created

  • to handle bad boys.

  • We were walking around basically unarmed

  • in terms of our penal statutes when it came to juveniles.

  • And that is why Proposition 21 came about.

  • - In California, a zero tolerance youth crime initiative

  • is on the March 7 ballot.

  • - Opponents say the measure would sweep more youth

  • into the criminal justice system in a state that already locks up

  • more kids per capita than any other.

  • - These crimes are dangerous.

  • What people have to remember is that a lot of people out there

  • who are trying to make a living

  • have a right not to be terrified

  • and their right, frankly, trumps an ex post facto sob story.

  • - Alonza Thomas was the first minor tried as an adult

  • under Prop. 21 in Kern County.

  • - Was Alonza a juvenile superpredator?

  • - Absolutely not.

  • Absolutely not.

  • It surprised me why the prosecutor would file

  • in adult court because the robbery was botched

  • and it was botched because he was a 15-year-old youngster.

  • Many minors are impacted by adults.

  • They're impacted and influenced to do things

  • they wouldn't ordinarily do,

  • and that needs to be taken into consideration.

  • When you're 14, 15 years old,

  • even if you commit a serious or violent felony,

  • the potential is great for rehabilitation.

  • I don't think that in most cases it's appropriate to process

  • a 14-year-old or 15-year-old through the adult system

  • unless it's merited.

  • Sometimes it is, most of the time it's not.

  • - He did the crime, and he had to be held accountable.

  • But to be tried as an adult?

  • You have this young man that you...

  • that didn't have one blemish on his record

  • sent away as an adult, tried as an adult.

  • Why?

  • - If I would have been more brave

  • or a little bit more determined to not go into that store,

  • maybe I could have did something different, you know?

  • But I was just so scared, I thought I had no other choice.

  • - It would be inconceivable for us

  • and for most prosecutors in California

  • not to direct file in superior court

  • robbery with the use of a firearm.

  • That particular crime is the most dangerous crime

  • that there is, absent a homicide itself.

  • We either treat people who commit that kind of crime

  • very seriously in order to protect people like his victims

  • or we don't.

  • There's no middle ground.

  • - They dropped two counts of armed robbery

  • and they charged me with one count of armed robbery,

  • second degree robbery.

  • So altogether, they gave me 13 years.

  • - I remember looking at him, and he looked so innocent.

  • And I hugged him and I kissed him, and I said, "I love you."

  • And they walked him out.

  • - Every time you go somewhere out of your cell,

  • you go to a cage.

  • Sometimes the cages are half the size of a phone booth.

  • So, you can't move your elbows even up.

  • And then when you leave that cage, they cuff you up

  • and lead you back to another cage.

  • You're just always from cage to cage.

  • There's a big wall on 4b.

  • When I got there and I saw that wall, it was like,

  • just me against this wall, you know?

  • I don't know if I could do it.

  • The whole building was yelling, kicking on the door.

  • "Man down, he's hanging!

  • He's hanging, man down, he's hanging, we have a hanger!"

  • So some time went by.

  • They brought him out.

  • Everyone already knows he's dead.

  • And he never came back.

  • That's the last time I saw him.

  • I thought, "That's gonna be me in a couple of years.

  • "I'm gonna lose my mind.

  • "I'm not gonna be able to take it.

  • "I'm not gonna be able to take it

  • and I'm gonna have to check out."

  • - "I am writing concerned about my future here in CDCR

  • "and my life in general.

  • "I'm not trying to be funny, but I feel I'm Humpty Dumpty.

  • "I guess you could say I had a big fall.

  • "I committed a robbery that got me locked up,

  • "and I honestly feel all the psychologists, psychiatrists,

  • "counselors, officers can't help me.

  • "They can't put me back together again.

  • I need you, badly."

  • And it's signed, "Sincerely, a young man crying out for help.

  • Alonza Thomas."

  • The idea of a 16-year-old going to a California men's prison

  • is beyond my comprehension.

  • It is an extremely dangerous, complicated place.

  • It is a place where you have very few systems of support,

  • very few systems of protection.

  • So here's a young man who was put

  • into this terrible environment

  • with a long sentence in front of him

  • and very little ability to cope.

  • One way that the system encourages people like Alonza

  • who are vulnerable, who are young, to cope,

  • is to go into segregation.

  • They literally encourage you to go into solitary confinement

  • for protection.

  • And once you're in segregation,

  • things just spiral out of control.

  • - I overdosed.

  • Swallowed, like, 300 pills, 250 pills.

  • I would cut myself.

  • Sometimes I would be curled up in the corner for weeks

  • not eating, just crying, shaking and stuff.

  • I would just lose it, you know.

  • I would just lose it.

  • I would just sit down and talk to people

  • like they were sitting right there with me.

  • I would have full conversations.

  • I would answer their questions and I'd answer my questions.

  • But I would have full conversations, you know.

  • It might sound crazy, but whatever works.

  • Being in a room for 23 hours a day is crazy.

  • - How was it seeing him?

  • It was awful.

  • Shackles on his hands and feet.

  • He was in isolation for so long, he didn't have a color.

  • He was gray.

  • What did I do?

  • I smiled.

  • "I'm glad I was able to make it this weekend.

  • How are you doing?"

  • He smiled as well.

  • And we talked.

  • And we ignored the obvious.

  • - What happens is when you send them to state prison

  • at that young age,

  • they come out of prison an entirely different person.

  • - 33, close your door.

  • 44, close your door.

  • - We should think about what we are doing to our young people,

  • even if they have committed a violent or serious felony

  • at the age of 14, 15,

  • what we're doing to them by sending them to an adult prison

  • like this county did to Alonza Thomas.

  • - He was punished, he was taken off the streets

  • at... during the time period

  • when he was most likely to commit another crime.

  • You can't afford to spend an inordinate amount of time

  • feeling sorry for people,

  • no matter how young, who are willing to commit crimes.

  • - Before I got out, I was in a cage

  • and I was talking to a doctor and I was in a little cage,

  • probably about the size of this chair, and the doctor said,

  • "Well, what are you worried about?

  • You should be happy, you're going home."

  • And I said, "This right here, this cage,

  • "me sitting in this cage, it feels safe to me.

  • "This feels safe, this feels comfortable, this feels normal.

  • "But when I'm out there and I can't touch these walls,

  • "I can't pace back and forth and be in my own little world...

  • Really what it means to me is, I'm institutionalized."

  • (quiet conversation in background)

  • What house is it?

  • - This is not our house.

  • - It's that one, over there.

  • - After 13 years, it was over, you know?

  • - Everybody's there.

  • - After 13 years, it was over.

  • - Good to see you, man.

  • - I missed you.

  • - Yeah, man.

  • - I missed you.

  • I hated when they separated us, man.

  • - Yeah.

  • - You all right?

  • - Yeah, I'm all right.

  • - We just crossed over it.

  • Like our old house, 316, is just right down, right...

  • - Just right down the street.

  • - What y'all got to eat over here, man?

  • (everyone talking, laughing)

  • - Okay, this is one of the things Alonza asked for

  • when he come home.

  • - For 13 years, they waited.

  • - He wanted some shrimp, so I'm gonna cook him some shrimp.

  • If it doesn't sizzle when you drop it in,

  • you're doing it wrong.

  • - Inside, I'm still that same 15-year-old.

  • Blow it.

  • Please.

  • They didn't care what prison did to me.

  • I'm still the same person.

  • - Come on, we'll eat this meal together.

  • This is Jubee's first... come on, get one, Phillip.

  • - It was the greatest moment,

  • the greatest feeling of my life to see him again.

  • You've been really waiting for this moment, like, forever.

  • I honestly don't remember the first time I heard

  • that he was going to be gone for that long.

  • I was really young.

  • I was probably, like, ten, 11 years old.

  • It was just different not having him around,

  • not being able to talk about football

  • and just do that type of stuff.

  • (cheering)

  • I ended up playing football at Bakersfield High

  • and, you know,

  • it would have been cool for him to see me play there

  • or play in college.

  • - And it's in and out of the hands of the intended receiver!

  • - Phillip was very successful.

  • He broke records.

  • Unanimous All-American.

  • First one in the history of Fresno State

  • to receive that award.

  • Can you imagine the joy Alonza must have felt,

  • saying, "That's my brother."

  • - I had stacks.

  • Stacks of articles, of highlights, of interviews.

  • Pictures, everything.

  • If I would have stacked it up page by page,

  • it probably would have went up in the air

  • about five or six feet.

  • I knew he would make it to the NFL,

  • and there was no doubt in my mind.

  • There was none.

  • - My name is Rich Eisen.

  • Pleased that you are with us for rounds four through seven

  • for a draft that may have its best value go today.

  • - I was projected to go at a certain spot.

  • I was projected to be, like, a second round pick or whatever.

  • - By the third round, you know, we were all feeling

  • like, uh, I don't know.

  • And we didn't know, you know, how to really feel.

  • And my stepdad Dimos,

  • he was like, you know, "Let me watch a little more.

  • You know, get it out of my system."

  • "Okay."

  • Like, not even ten seconds after he said that,

  • he starts screaming.

  • "Whoo, whoo!"

  • - Phillip Thomas, a safety out of Fresno State

  • gets the latest Redskins...

  • I started screaming, I said, "Whoo!" and I took off running.

  • - And that is a great pick, I believe, for the Redskins.

  • - That was a great day.

  • - The nurse came by and I'm, like, um,

  • "Nurse, can you do me a favor?

  • "I have a little brother, he entered the draft this year,

  • "and I want to know where he went in the draft

  • or did he get drafted?"

  • She goes, "What's his name?"

  • So I told her his name and she left and about 20 minutes later

  • she came back and she goes, "Washington Redskins."

  • And I said, "Washington Redskins," all right.

  • I could dig it.

  • That could be my team now, you know.

  • - He hasn't seen me play a game ever, you know?

  • And I think he said he looked up my highlights before,

  • but it's not the same.

  • I just really can't wait for him to be able to come

  • and finally see what his little bro can do.

  • - Your number should be at the top.

  • - Yeah, it's right there.

  • - See, your number's at the top.

  • That's where mine is.

  • You calling yourself?

  • - I'm calling her.

  • It's an adjustment.

  • It's a learning experience, you know?

  • I have to deprogram myself.

  • Hello.

  • - Hi, I'm Valerie Rangel.

  • - I'm Alonza Thomas, Jr.

  • - Alonzo?

  • - Alonza. - Alonza Thomas Jr.

  • And do you have your application with you?

  • - I have to adjust to being free, you know.

  • - So are you working at all?

  • - No, I'm not working.

  • - You were just recently released, is that correct?

  • - Yes, I did 13 years.

  • I got released two-and-a-half weeks ago.

  • I don't know what it feels like to have a job.

  • Never had a job before.

  • I never been to the prom, or on a date.

  • Never been on a date, never driven a car.

  • I'm learning things at 28 I should have learned at 15.

  • So what do I do?

  • - Put your foot on the brake. - Foot's on the brake.

  • - Start the car.

  • Keep your foot on the brake. - Foot's on the brake.

  • - Put it in reverse.

  • Do not take your foot... now, you ease your foot off.

  • Make sure no cars are around you.

  • - Where's, uh, where's it say it at?

  • - Right here. - Okay, I see.

  • Every little accomplishment that I make, I'm one step closer

  • to getting my life back, you know.

  • Learning how to drive is one step closer

  • to regaining my childhood that I lost

  • or regaining my manhood that I never had.

  • - Does he deserve a second chance now?

  • - He did his time.

  • He deserves to be treated like any other citizen.

  • He deserves to be treated fairly and be given a fair chance.

  • - When you first decided to create your own histogram,

  • what did you all have in common?

  • - Years of prison.

  • - Years in prison.

  • Something we all have in common.

  • Show the histogram?

  • - He doesn't deserve any breaks

  • that a similarly situated citizen

  • who hadn't committed an armed robbery wouldn't get.

  • - That's very good, very good.

  • Good comparison.

  • - I think he was harmed.

  • I think he suffered permanent harm as a result

  • of his experience

  • in the California Department of Corrections.

  • In other words, he is worse off now

  • than he would have been if he hadn't gone to prison.

  • - What medications do you have now that you're out?

  • - Well, they just changed them today.

  • I'm on Remeron, 15 milligrams, once a day at nighttime.

  • I'm on BuSpars, twice a day,

  • once in the morning, once at night.

  • And I'm on Risperidone.

  • I'm on four milligrams every night.

  • - What are those drugs for?

  • - Some are anti-psychotic, some are anti-depressant,

  • and one's for anxiety.

  • - Are you taking them?

  • - Sure.

  • (clicking)

  • Then I said, "Good evening, baby bro.

  • I love you more than anything in the world."

  • Then he said, "I love you too."

  • - He seems a little different.

  • He's different, he's definitely different.

  • It's definitely noticeable.

  • He's been incarcerated

  • for just as long as he's been out of prison.

  • - Two days later I said, "Good morning, baby bro, I love you."

  • My biggest fear is becoming a burden to somebody,

  • and, um, I don't want to be a burden to anybody

  • due to my crime, due to something that I did, you know?

  • - He's made it over one of the scary periods.

  • He didn't commit any crimes, he was not sent back to jail,

  • he wasn't sent back to prison.

  • We all need some kind of structures to help us through

  • and he has a family that's still standing behind him.

  • - You like it, Lilla?

  • - Mm-hmm.

  • - I see my brother or my niece and, you know,

  • I just stare at her, I just stare at her, you know.

  • I'm learning these things over again.

  • I'm barely meeting these people for the first time.

  • Just getting to know them is a blessing, you know?

  • - Delicious.

  • - Here you go.

  • - But it's like everything I do,

  • it automatically takes me back to prison.

  • I sit there and I see Mom cutting the meatloaf

  • with a knife

  • and I'm thinking, "She's going to get a write-up.

  • She's not supposed to have that knife."

  • And it's like, "Okay, I'm free again," you know.

  • "I'm free, she's just cutting the meatloaf with a knife

  • and it's okay."

  • I talked to my doctor today.

  • She said, "Oh, you're still in the honeymoon stage."

  • I said, "The honeymoon stage?"

  • I thought about it.

  • I thought that that sounds about right, the honeymoon stage.

  • It's gonna be honeymoon stage for a long time, you know.

  • - What's after the honeymoon stage?

  • - The rest of my life.

  • I don't sleep often, but sometimes when I sleep I just,

  • I don't know, I wake up and I get up

  • and I don't realize where I'm at.

  • - Does it feel good?

  • - Does it feel good?

  • - To realize you're not in prison anymore?

  • - No.

  • - I would think that would feel good.

  • - Yeah.

  • - To remember that you're free.

  • - Yeah, it doesn't feel good.

  • "I've made a lot of decisions

  • "that has shaped the man I am today.

  • "Some I'm not proud of,

  • "but through all the bullshit, I am proud of me.

  • "I've learned and shown growth after every fall.

  • "And I'll continue to keep rising.

  • "It all gets better in time.

  • "Every time you think you can't make it another day,

  • something or someone picks you up."

  • I don't know if anyone will ever read this stuff

  • and really, actually, genuinely feel hope.

  • I'm just trying while I'm here.

  • - Why is it important to give other people hope?

  • - I told you, because I don't have any.

  • Teardrops cease, I'm all cried out,

  • I've been through so much, at times I wanna shout,

  • I can't let 'em win, Alonza keep faith,

  • Hop in, sink or swim, but the sharks give chase,

  • I've been to this point so many times,

  • When I get past it just rewinds,

  • I walked in that court prepared to die,

  • So when he said 13, I didn't cry,

  • I didn't die or bat my eyes,

  • I raised my cuffs and I waved goodbye,

  • Goodbye to that young man who never got to live,

  • Goodbye to that old soul who never was a kid,

  • I'm trapped in a cage, all my rage has been bottled,

  • All my winters come in May and brighter days never follow,

  • I overstand injustice so there'll never be peace,

  • It pains me to witness, that's why my eyes weep,

  • But if any man or God could see the misery within,

  • Then maybe that pain'll blow away with the wind.

Here's a glimpse into my past

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    JE11 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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