- Welcome to Pork E. Pine's, home of the...

-歡迎來到小箭豬餐廳，這裡是

deepest ball pit on Earth.

擁有全球最深球池的地方

- It's okay, Anton. It's just me.

-清醒點，安東尼，是我啦

- [sighs] Thank God.

-(嘆氣)感謝主

After you asked me to lock up last night,

妳昨天晚上叫我把門鎖上之後

I realized I didn't know how to do that, so...

我就不知道該怎麼做，所以就乾脆...

I just stayed.

待在這裡了

- [sighs]

-(嘆氣)

- What's this? - My resignation.

-這是什麼？ -辭呈書

- What? - It's not my decision, baby.

-什麼？ -這次我沒辦法作主啊，寶貝

INS finally caught up to me. I'm an illegal alien.

誰叫這次我被移民局找上，我是一個非法移民 (譯註: INS全名即Immigration and Naturalization Service美國移民及規化局，現已廢除，所有職能已於2003年由美國國土安全部接收)

- From space? - From Canada.

-從太空來的？ -不是，是加拿大

My work visa expired.

我的工作期限到期了

It's either deportation or marry a U.S. citizen.

我要嘛就被驅逐出境，要嘛就是得跟一個美國公民結婚才能留下

- Will you marry me, Lori Antoinette?

-妳願意嫁給我嗎，羅莉‧安苳妮？

- Stop it. Get up.

-別鬧了，起來啦

- But I need you to run this place,

-但我需要妳幫我一起經營這家餐廳

and you need me for citizenship.

妳也會需要我的公民身分的啊

We're a perfect match.

我們倆是絕配

- Are you putting a pretend ring on my finger?

-你現在是在我手上套上看不見的戒指嗎？

[shimmering tone]

(閃爍音調)

[playful music]

(俏皮音樂)

- [man singing] This is America

- (男聲) 這裡是美國

Land of dreams

夢想的發源之地

Everyone can climb higher

每個人都能高高在上

- [women singing] Not you, though

- (女聲) 你錯了

- You're stuck here

-你明知道自己被困在這裡

- 'Cause you're a part-timer, yeah

-因為你只是個實習工讀生，耶~

- [man singing] You can do anything

- (男聲) 想做什麼都隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As long as it's not hard

- (女聲) 前提是不要太難

- [man singing] And you can go anywhere

- (男聲) 想去哪玩也隨心所欲

- [woman singing] As soon as you get a car

- (女聲) 前提是你得有車

- [man singing] You're gonna be a huge success

- (男聲) 你就能坐擁天下

- [woman singing] Come on, that's not who you are

- (女聲) 拜託，你以為你是誰？

- [man singing] You're a part-timer cursed

- (男聲) 實習工讀生是一種詛咒

With full-time dreams

雖然你充滿夢想

And this low-paying job is as bad as it seems

但薪水就跟表面看起來一樣的糟

Bad as it seems

一樣糟糕

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

你到底是吃錯什麼藥？

Whoa

哇喔

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

到底為什麼要來這裡啊？

Oh

喔~

Seriously, dude? - Like, what the [bleep]?

兄弟，認真的嗎？ -你到底在這裡做什麼啊？

[creaks, crashes]

(晃落聲，掉落聲)

[video games beeping, whirring]

(電玩遊戲聲，呼呼聲)

all: Congratulations!

所有人異口同聲: 恭喜妳！

- Calm down, guys. This isn't a real wedding.

-大家冷靜點，這又不是真的婚禮

- But it could be. Can we have it here?

-但這可以變真的啊，我們可以在這裡辦嗎？

Please, please, please. I can plan everything.

求妳求妳求妳了，我可以幫忙籌備任何事

- I call bachelorette party.

-我叫了告別單身趴的人來

I'm gonna get started on the balloon dogs.

現在我要來吹狗狗造型的氣球了

- Uh, no. We're just going to the courthouse.

-呃，不用這麼麻煩，我們法院走一遭就好了

- No, you're not.

-不行，妳不能

You ever deal with the INS before?

妳之前有處理過類似的狀況嗎？

You can't just pop a quickie and take American jobs.

妳不能就這樣喪失妳在美國工作的機會

They want pictures. They want proof--

妳看有些人還想要結婚照、結婚證書

courtship, cohabitation, wedding night.

求婚、和愛人住在一起、新婚之夜

- Guys, guys, there's not gonna be a wedding.

-大家，這婚禮辦不成了

I just got off the phone with my dad,

我剛才和我老爸通過電話

and he has a strict no-marrying- my-ex-lovers "policy."

他說我們家有嚴格的「禁止與前交往對象結婚政策」

- Guys, I can't get deported.

-但各位，我不能被驅逐出境啊

My family had to flee after the Feds busted

我爸在黑市做的楓糖漿生意被聯邦調查局

my dad's black-market maple-syrup operation.

查獲了，我們現在準備要跑路了啊

- There's a market for illegal syrup?

-世上竟然有非法的楓糖漿市場啊？

- I'd like to see you try and take on Big Maple.

-那我倒是想看看妳是怎麼從楓樹提煉出糖漿的

- Hmm. Maybe someone else--

-恩，也許其他人會...

both: I'll do it.

兩人異口同聲: 我願意

- Come on, man, I can move in with Lori,

-拜託，老兄，我可以和蘿莉一起住

then move out of my mom's house.

又可以從我老媽那裡搬出來

- Dude, married people get hit on four times more than singles.

-兄弟，已婚人士平均做愛次數可是比單身人士多4次耶

This could be the best thing to happen to my sex life.

這可能是我性生活有史以來最棒的經歷

- Wow. The moment that every girl has dreamed of.

-哇，原來這就是每個女生夢想的時刻= =

- You know what, Lori?

-妳知道嗎，羅莉？

You're right. You deserve better.

我想妳是對的，妳值得更好的

We should handle this how they do in the real world--

我們應該幫助他們在現實生活中製造一點情趣...

with a series of dates that culminates

像他們約會的時候，讓羅莉的追求對象

in one of your suitors receiving the final rose.

送她一朵玫瑰，讓幸福浪漫的氣氛達到顛峰

- So not only do I have to marry one of you two idiots,

-所以我現在不只要和你們其中一個白痴結婚

but now you ruin one of my favorite shows?

你現在還毀了他們倆在吵架的好戲嗎？

- Yes. - Yeah.

-是啊 -沒錯

- I love planning, and I love weddings.

-我喜歡計畫事情，也愛婚禮

Which one do I like more?

但我比較偏愛哪一個啊？

Definitely planning.

當然是計畫事情

Oh, but weddings...

喔，可是婚禮也...

- Yeah.

-對啊

I've been planning my wedding since I was five.

我5歲的時候就開始在計劃我的婚禮了

- Oh, stop.

-喔，你少來

You have strong lips.

你的嘴巴比較行

Whoa!

哇嗚！

What are you doing?

你在做什麼？

We're just friend birds, remember?

我們還只是朋友手足鳥啊，記得嗎？ (譯註: 有關friend birds的起源，詳見第9集的內容)

- Sorry.

-對不起

I thought you were saying-- - I wasn't.

-我以為妳有那個意思... -我才沒有

- Yeah, sorry.

-耶，抱歉

[indistinct chatter, video games beeping]

(嘈雜聊天聲+電玩遊戲聲)

- Lori Antoinette.

-羅莉‧安苳妮

- I don't know why you keep calling me that.

-我實在是搞不懂為什麼你要一直叫我那個名字耶 (譯註: Antoinette源自Smosh製作的短片中，安東尼扮成女裝的妹妹角色)

That is not my name.

那又不是我的名字

- Two men will prove how valuable they can be to you

-2個男人接下來會向妳證明，和妳在一起有多麼珍貴

as companions, roommates, possibly lovers.

像是當妳的同事、室友甚至是愛人

- Ugh. - Because you are...

-呃 -因為妳就是

the Boss-lerette.

老闆羅瑞特

[fanfare plays]

(喇叭吹奏聲)

May I present to you bachelor number one...

容我向妳介紹，單身黃金漢1號...

Ian?

伊恩

- What's up? It's me, your future husband.

-妳好啊，是我，妳未來的老公

- Guys, I've got to work.

-兩位，我得繼續工作了

- And I know that's important, because I literally have no idea

-我知道這對妳來說很重要，但我真的別無他法了

how you do whatever it is that you do, but first...

先不管妳要做什麼，但首先希望妳...

- Allow me to take you on a fun-filled adventure.

-容我帶妳體驗一場樂趣十足的冒險旅程

[upbeat dance music]

(俏皮舞曲)

- What the hell?

-這是哪招啊？

[music continues]

(音樂持續播放)

[music stops]

(音樂停止)

- It's the hottest nightclub this side of the car wash.

-這是源自洗車場隔壁那間超火夜店的想法啊

- It's my office.

-這裡是我的辦公室

- I just want to show you that with me,

-我只是想告訴妳，妳和我在一起

it's always a party, 24-7.

每天不間斷24小時都有派對 (譯註: 24-7是一天24小時，一星期7天的縮寫，即全天提供服務、終年無休的意思)

- You think I'm gonna come home to this every night?

-妳覺得我會帶這種人回家嗎？

Next.

下一位

- I don't know. Maybe she'll choose Dinger.

-我不知道耶，也許她會選丁格當老公吧

At least he could defend against an intruder,

至少丁格可以保護她不被陌生人攻擊

although he's probably more likely

雖然丁格自己本身比較可能會

to think she's the intruder and end up attacking her, so...

把羅莉當成陌生人，最後變成攻擊自己的老婆，所以...

Can you hand me some tape?

可以幫我拿一些膠帶嗎？

Thank you.

謝謝

[sighs]

(嘆氣)

- Oh. - Pete!

-喔 -皮特！'

- I swear I wasn't looking at your butt!

-我發誓我沒在看妳的屁股！

- Bachelor number two is quite the chef.

-黃金單身漢2號是個非常優秀的神廚

He's prepared a magnificent fridge-to-table meal,

他準備了一整桌「從冰箱到餐桌輕鬆上菜」的珍饌美食

all with locally sourced ingredients.

全部採用道地新鮮的食材

As the French would say, bon appetite.

如同法國人常說的Bon appetite (譯註: bon appétite一詞源自法文，原意指的是用餐愉快)

- Salad de Dinger!

-丁式沙拉！(譯註: 此處的de是法文，相當於英文的of，意思是「的...」)

- It looks like you just scraped that out of the meat freezer.

-這根本看起來就像你剛才拿去丟的冷凍肉

- Yeah, but I flavored it with soda syrup.

-是沒錯啦，但我還用蘇打糖漿調了味唷

It's actually really good.

其實還滿好吃的啦

- Oh, Lord.

-喔，我的天啊

I'm gonna need some of that wine.

幫我倒些酒來

- Oh, my pleasure. It's Kool-Aid with tree bark--

-喔，我的榮幸，這是粉末飲料搭配樹皮釀造出來的 (譯註: Koo-Aid為美國一種即溶粉沫飲料，有多種水果口味，另有一用法是: Drinking the Kool-Aid，意指盲目聽信別人的話、盲目跟從)

you know, for the tannin.

妳懂的，就是一堆單寧酸 (譯註: tannin是植物界很常見的成分，許多植物含高濃度單寧酸，蔬菜和茶也是其重要來源，甚至檳榔也是)

- All you idiots can come up with

-你們這些白痴難道就只想得出

are glow sticks and tree bark?

螢光棒和樹皮這兩樣東西嗎？

I don't know why I expected more, but I did.

我不懂為什麼自己還指望情況能好轉，像個白痴一樣

You make Canadian prison seem more like a pleasure cruise.

你們根本就把加拿大的監獄看成是一趟奇妙旅程了

- She's right, man. We're blowing it.

-她說得對，老兄，我們搞砸了

We need to take this sham wedding seriously.

我們真的要認真看待她的假婚禮

Ooh, I have an idea.

喔，我想到一個點子

Ladies and...

女士還有...

ladies.

女士

- Whoo! - Whoo-hoo.

-哇！ -哇嗚~

The final challenge for the evening

在今晚羅莉‧安苳妮選她的老公之前

before Miss Lori Antoinette must select her husband!

我們還有最後一項挑戰

- Still not my name.

-你又講錯我名字了

- May I present to you your hunks for the evening?

-讓我為您介紹今晚只屬於妳的帥哥吧

- Whoo! [upbeat electronic music]

-嗚！ (電子音樂)

Yes!

讚啦！

- [laughs] - Yes!

- (笑) -帥！

Take it off! - All right.

脫下來 -那好吧

- [laughs] - All right.

-(笑) -不賴不賴

- Yes! Take it off!

-太讚啦！脫光光

Take it off!

脫光光！

- Whoo! - Oh!

-嗚！ -喔！

- Yes! Yes!

-太棒了！太棒了！

[music continues]

(音樂繼續播放)

[women cheering]

(女人歡呼聲)

[melancholy music]

(悲情音樂)

[doorbell rings]

(門鈴聲)

- Hi. - Are your parents home?

-嗨 -你爸媽在家嗎？

- No.

-不在

- I wanted to apologize about today.

-我想向你為今天的事道歉

- No, I'm the one who-- - I don't want to be friends.

-不，我才是那個該... -我不想和你只是當朋友而已

- You don't?

-妳不想？

- I want to be... a little more.

-我希望...我們關係再更進展一點

[sultry music]

(撩人的音樂)

So how about it, Pete?

你覺得呢，皮特？

You want to be a little more than friends with me?

你也不想和我只是當朋友而已，對嗎？

[music continues]

(音樂繼續播放)

There's something really different about you.

你好像和以前不太一樣

- You want to watch me do push-ups?

-你想看我做伏地挺身嗎？

- Yeah. Whoa.

-耶，哇嗚

[floor creaking]

(地板發出吱吱聲)

You're really turning me on.

你真的讓我覺得欲罷不能了

- I know.

-我懂

I'm your subconscious.

因為我是妳的潛意識

- What?

-什麼意思？

[gasps]

(驚醒)

Hey, um, Pete?

嘿，恩，皮特？

Can I talk to you for a second?

我們和你聊一 下嗎？

I was thinking that-- - Nope.

其實我一直在想... -別說

Already know what you're gonna say, all right?

我已經猜到妳想說什麼了，好嗎？

And, uh, I've realized you were right.

還有..呃，我在想妳才是對的

I don't think we're meant to be together.

我覺得我們不是天生一對

So...

所以...

let's just keep it easy.

我們保有原本簡單的關係就好

Friend birds?

還是朋友？

- Friend birds.

-還是朋友

- Cool.

-太好了

[sad slow music]

(悲情慢音樂)

- We're gathered here today

-我們在此齊聚一堂

so that Lori doesn't have to leave the country.

好讓羅莉不用離開這個國家

Lori, would you like to say your vows at this point?

羅莉，妳有什麼誓言想說的嗎？

- I would.

-我願意

I choose you

我選「妳」

because I know you'll be the least annoying roommate.

是因為我知道妳將會是最惱人的室友

- And you...

-那「妳」呢？

- [shudders]

-(發抖說出)

And I choose you, Lori,

羅莉，我選擇妳

because Anton won't let me live at his place anymore.

是因為小安不讓我再繼續住他們家了

- Aw.

-喔...

[organ music playing]

(風琴彈奏聲)

I pronounce you wife and wife.

我現在正式宣布妳們為妻子和妻子 (譯註: 美國已於2015/6/26成為全國同性婚姻合法化的國家，是美洲第5個同性婚姻合法化的國家)

[all cheering]

(所有人歡呼聲)

[organ music playing]

(風琴彈奏聲)

- Okay, that's enough. - Mwah!

-好啦夠了 -啾咪！

- Y'all messing up my suit.

-你們弄亂我的西裝了啦

- Awesome.

-太讚了

all: [chanting] Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

所有人反覆叫著: 親下去，親下去，親下去！

Kiss, kiss, kiss! - Hell, no.

親下去，親下去，親下去！ -什麼鬼，我才不要