I grew up with two older sisters, and I kind of watched the things that they like. I was just never into those things.

我有兩個姊姊，從小她們喜歡的東西我都不感興趣。

It was always like I wanted to play football, and I wanted to you know, wear blue and just wear boy clothes, and that's always what I felt more comfortable in.

我只想踢足球，穿藍色、男生的衣服，這樣穿比較自在。

Alex has struggled with his identity, definitely through like, middle school. That's when it became pretty noticable-- just trying to fit in.

Alex 對自己的身分認同很掙扎，尤其是在念中學的時候，那時候明顯感覺得出來他不斷想辦法融入人群。

This is when I moved to San Diego. A boy asked me to go to prom, and so I had to wear a dress, which I was not comfortable in, and you can kind of see it.

那時候我搬到聖地牙哥。有男生邀請我參加畢業舞會，所以我穿了洋裝，但我非常不自在，照片上看得出來。

I think that this time in my life was probably like, one of the darker times.

我覺得這段日子大概是我人生最黑暗的時刻。

He would wear a lot of like, dark-colored clothes. He was definitely made to feel that it wasn't OK to express himself, and I think that brought on a lot of sadness with him.

他常穿深色系的衣服。他被灌輸的想法是不能表現自我，我覺得那造成他很多傷痛。

Growing up, my dad would say, "I know that you wanna be a boy, but you're never gonna be a boy. You were put on this earth to conceive and be with a man."

在我成長過程中，我爸常說：「我知道你想當男生，但那是不可能的，你生來就是要嫁人生子。」

Your coffee, sir.

先生，您的咖啡。

- Thanks, beautiful. - You're welcome.

- 謝了，美女。- 不客氣。

[While struggling with depression, Alex began looking for answers on YouTube.]

[在與憂鬱症抗爭的同時，Alex 開始在 YouTube 上尋找答案。]

I think I was about 16 or 17 when I kind of figured out what the trans community was, and so then I YouTubed it.

大概在 16、17 歲的時候我隱約知道跨性別是什麼，於是我上 YouTube 搜尋。

Boom, all these videos pop up, and I'm watching them, and I'm like, whoa, like, I'm so excited inside because I'm like, wow, there's answers, you know, other people feel like me. I'm not as alone as I feel.

哇！冒出一堆影片，我一邊看一邊覺得，哇！ 心裡超興奮的，因為我覺得我找到答案了，原來有人跟我一樣，我不是孤單一人 。

So this is my first video for YouTube. My name's Alexis, and I have been somewhat struggling with my gender identity, I guess you could say.

這是我的第一部 YouTube 影片，我是 Alexis，可以說我一直對自己的性別認同有些障礙。

It was relief followed by that feeling of just like depression. It just crashed down on my world.

一開始感覺鬆了一口氣，但後來我非常沮喪，快被挫折壓垮。

How am I ever going to evolve into this person who I know belongs in the mirror when I look into it, you know? And it just kind of — that was when it came to like depression and just wanted to die. That was the worst.

每次照鏡子，我都不知道要怎麼變成在鏡子裡頭的那個人，這種感覺你懂嗎？ 這種時候我覺得特別沮喪，甚至想死，情況真的很糟。

I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos, and I just, every time I watch them I get — I can relate in some way that I guess like, I wish that could be me.

我看了很多 YouTube 影片，每次我都能感同身受，希望能發生在我身上。

At the time I had long hair, so I'd pull it back behind my hat and wear like two sports bra instead of one, so my chest would kind of go lower and just do things that made me feel a little bit better.

以前留長髮的時候我會把頭髮收進帽子裡，穿兩件運動內衣讓胸部看起來更平，也讓我自己更自在一點。

The solutions would all just wear off. Every time it would just get worse.

但是這些都不是方法，情況只是更糟。

So, then I got faced with what are you gonna do?

我面臨抉擇的關頭。

Cutting that first braid off, and it felt so liberating. I felt like so in control of my life, and I literally felt like somebody just cut the chains off me, like I just felt free.

第一刀剪下頭髮，就讓我感到自由，好像終於能掌控自己的人生，我真的覺得有人解開我身上的鎖鏈， 我自由了。

That was like a huge deal. Once he chopped it all off, it was just like a new person.

剪頭髮真的很重要，他一剪完，整個人都活了過來。

This is when I really felt like Alex was becoming real.

那時候我覺得這才是真正的我。

[In April 2014, after moving out on his won, Alex decided to begin testosterone therapy]

[2014 年 4 月，在自己搬出去住後，Alex 決定開始接受睪酮治療]

Some of my biggest changes I've noticed are my hunger. I crave like really weird things, like steaks and burgers all the time.

我覺得最大的改變是胃口變好，我一直想吃牛排、漢堡，隨時都想大吃。

Like hair on my stomach is getting darker; my voice is changing a little bit. We're just pretty excited.

肚子上的毛變黑了，聲音也變粗了一點，我們都很興奮。

How do you feel about it?

你覺得怎麼樣？

It is different. It's hard for me, obviously, because I identify as a lesbian. I like girls, but it just so happens that the girl I fall in love with and that I still love is actually a boy. That doesn't mean that I don't still love him.

不一樣了，其實這對我來說很難接受，因為我是女同性戀，我喜歡女生，但我一直喜歡的女生，其實是男生，但我對他的愛未曾改變。

I have some, let's say, 10 o'clock shadow. I would consider it like two o'clock shadow, actually.

我長了一點小鬍子，不過其實還很短。

[Over a year later, Alex has decided to undergo the biggest step of his transition.]

[一年之後，Alex 決定邁出他的變性過程中最大的一步。]

Now we are flying out of San Diego to San Francisco for my top surgery.

我們現在要搭機離開聖地牙哥去舊金山動乳房移除手術。

This is the first surgery I've ever had in my life.

這是我人生第一次動手術。

The type of operation that Alex will be getting is referred to as "top" surgery, removing breast tissue from both sides, and we're taking off the nipple and the areola as one unit, and then resizing it and then repositioning it.

Alex 要動的手術稱作乳房移除手術，我們將移除兩側乳房組織，同時摘除乳頭和乳暈，重塑後再將乳頭植回。

I feel like after the surgery, I'm hoping that he'll just felt comfortable in his body for like who he is on the inside.

等他動完手術後，我希望他會喜歡自己的身體，就像他喜歡自己一樣。

I feel excited. I feel like, I don't know, I can't explain it. I feel like it's real. It's all becoming really real and emotional. Because this is forever, you know? I've been waiting a long time for this.

好興奮啊，我覺得，不知道耶，難以形容，這一切終於成真，夢想終於成真，我很激動，因為我將永遠擺脫胸部了，你懂嗎？這一刻我等待很久了。

[After 5 days in recovery, Alex goes in for his post-op where he will get to see his new chest.]

[康復 5 天後，Alex 要前去做術後檢查，他將看到自己新的胸部。]

I'm gonna see the person that I've been waiting to see for my whole life, you know. I've imagined it forever, and it's going to happen in five minutes.

我將要見到我一生都在等著見的人，我夢想這一刻很久了，再過一會就要成真了。

- Hello. -Hi. How's it going?

- 哈囉。- 嗨，最近還好嗎？

It's good. Freedom!

很好，你自由啦！

Hey, this is crazy.

天啊，不敢相信。

- A weight off your chest? -Yeah.

- 胸口變平坦了？- 對啊。

- Literally. -Literally.

- 真的變平了。- 真的。

Looks really nice. I'm happy.

看起來很好。我很開心。

Wow, do you feel like freedom right now, or what?

哇，你現在覺得很自由嗎？

Yeah. It feels really cool. I feel like I'm in a dream, and I'm gonna wake up.

對啊，感覺很奇妙，我好像在作夢，隨時會醒來。

Before I had the surgery, I was still a man, and now that I've had it, I'm still the same person. It's just I feel more comfortable, you know, and I think that that's something I really wanna stress because not everybody knows that.

動手術前，我是男人，手術後，我還是我，但是感覺更自在了，我覺得這就是我想說的，因為不是每個人都懂。

There's a lot of things in my life that I'm like, wow, I wish I would've done that differently, but I think this is probably the first time in my life that I've totally done everything just the way that I needed to.

有很多事我覺得早知道就做不一樣的決定，但這大概是我第一次覺得我盡我所能做到我要的一切。

Be sure to watch this next episode.

別錯過下一集。

When you look in the mirror now, who's the person that you see?

你現在照鏡子覺得怎麼樣？

So I see a lot more confident person. I see someone who'd made a lot of progress, and most of all, I see someone who's on a journey.

覺得更有自信，自己進步很多，最重要的是，我看見自己正在改變。

Thanks for watching, and be sure to subscribe to "Seeker Stories."

感謝收看，請訂閱 Seeker Stories 。