Um--

Oh, well, uh, if we were-- if we were being intimate--

- What, like fucking? - [ Audience Gasps ]

[ Laughs ] Yeah.

Yeah. lf we were, uh-- What kind of noises would you make?

[ Grunting, Barking ]

l think that's personal. l don't think l should answer that.

- [ Audience Laughs ] - Okay.

Uh, suitor number three. What would our first date be like?

Well, uh, first l'd take you shopping to stores you'd wanna shop in...

and then we'd do lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing.

And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fleidermaus.

And then l'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach...

where l'd pop on the radio...

and then we could slow dance 'til the sun came up.

That was the biggest load of crap l've ever heard!

Look at you. You're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.

l should know. We can smell our own.

[ Audience Laughing ]

Suitor number one.

lf we fell in love, how would you propose to me?

- When Jaws popped out of the water. - Excuse me?

l'd propose to you right now. l propose that you stop letting your father run your life...

be true to yourself and not give up on somebody you know has value.

And take off your socks when you make whoopie.

He hates it when you leave 'em on.

- What? - Hypothetically speaking.

Suitor number one, you-- you sound familiar.

- Like your conscience, maybe. - Look, lady, you don't know him, all right?

Now make with the questions.

[ Brandi ] Suitor number three.

ls your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

- What's the funny guy doing with his hands? - l don't wanna know.

What the fuck is goin' on up there?

Definitely a jackhammer.

l'm in there with some pressure, and when l'm done, you're not the same as before.

- You're changed. - Where do you come up with this shit?

That is the cheesiest response to an honest question l've ever heard.

l saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.

[ Chuckles ] Suitor number two, you have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.

Richard Dawson, just go back to your podium until it's time to play the Feud.

[ Audience Laughing ]

- Who'd you see me kiss? - Some dude backstage. He seemed unimpressed.

l didn't kiss any guy backstage. l swear. l'm not gay.

Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe; you heard how repulsed he sounded.

ls this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate monger?

- l don't hate gay people. - So you love them?

- Yes. l mean, no. - Textbook closet case. Self loather.