and I think it's finally time to show you everything, absolutely everything!

Well, absolutely nearly almost everything

So, fasten your metaphorical seatbelts

and let's go and experience Japan in glorious High Definition video

Oh fuck it why do seatbelts do this?

Okay so the first thing i noticed is that this car is right-hand driven because in Japan they drive on the left hand-side of the road.

like in Britain

I thought this was a bit strange at first

until I remembered that Japan was ruled by the samurai

in the Edo Era between 1603 and 1867

And the preference was to move on the left hand side of the road

coz the samurai drew their swords with their right hand

So they could draw their swords and fight easier

Although it wasn't made official until 1872

when the British engineers helped the Japanese build their first railway

which was of course left-hand operated

So that's why Japanese people drive on the left hand-side of the road

Right then let's actually get going

Oh it's Japanese radio..

Japanese of course love Wham!

Okay so there are two reasons that might be obvious why I'm renting this car

The first is the pink Save the Earth sticker on the back

The second reason is that the Nissan March is a girl's car

It might be efficient, fun to drive and smell like the meadows of Narnia

But....it doesn't hide the fact that it's still referred as a "handbag car" for women

And the reason why I chose this car is because all the other cars in the rental place

looked like they were gonna fall apart after a 24 minute drive

I had originally intended to get a very specific type of car

when I came to Japan

called a Kei Car

Japan's very unique for having a very defined category of cars called Kei Cars

Basically it's a motor vehicle with a 660cc engine or below, God forbid

Because of its small size, Kei Cars are very economical

You can actually get to the outer rings of Saturn and back on a single tank of fuel

and still have enough to go to the Seven Eleven

and get Fried Chicken

And you can tell Kei Cars quite easily coz they have yellow number plates

whilst regular cars have white number plates

As I said i would've got one because the cost of running it is lower and the taxes are lower

But i'm inheriting a friend's car next year

So it might work out cheaper to rent my first year

Another reason why I got this big engine car

is because where I am turns to Antarctica next month during the winter

Not only that but where I live is on a plain, and it gets really windy

And it was my hope that having a bigger engine vehicle

come this winter I wont be starring in a live-action version of Chitty Chitty Bang-Bang

Still, regardless of what car you get

there is one thing that takes some getting use to

Drinking alcohol and driving in Japan

In most countries to my knowledge you can have a glass of wine or a beer

and get behind the wheel so you can have a few units

In Japan, if you so much as smell of alcohol and get behind the wheel of car

it's GAME OVER

There are no units allowed and if you get caught driving

with any alcohol in your system

You'll lose your job, you'll probably get deported

and you'll most certainly be thrown out the back of a plane over the sea of Japan

Just to make sure you don't do it

I've seen it happen, it's not pretty, don't do it!

Instead, drink the Pungency

Drink that instead, coz you don't want to get deported

Oh ssssshit

But if you do want to have a drink with friends or work colleagues

and if you want to do that in the comfort of your own car, get there and back in your own car

There is one alternative to a taxi

It's actually cheaper and it's called Daikou

Daikou translated to Acting as Agent

Basically you ring up the company

They will send out a car with 2 guys in it

And when they get there, one guy will get out the car

You give him your keys and he'll drive you and your friends home in your own car

The other guy will follow you in the Daikou Taxi

And when you get back home, the guy who drove you will just pop back up in his DaikouTaxi and disappear in the night

So it's great coz obviously the next day when you're hungover, feeling like crap

you don't have to walk out to get your car you already got it at your place

And as I said before it actually works out cheaper

which I don't quite understand how but it does

It's popular in rural areas where public transport becomes a thing of the past after midnight

What it basically means is that nobody is left out

everyone can go out, drink and have a great night

Except Hitler

If you like the thrill of recklessly driving through the countryside on a sunny winter's morning

with a total disregard for the mortality of small creatures

Japan is not for you

Driving in Japan is quite a slow experience

With speed limits ranging from about 40km/h

which is 24 miles per hour

to a 100km/h which is 62 miles per hour if you're lucky

So whilst it's good for animals and creatures who like to dance on the way of oncoming traffic

It actually means that most journeys take longer than time itself

If you're honestly thinking about taking a long journey in Japan

I would honestly consider taking a coffin

Because you are gonna need it by the time you reach the end of your destination

Should you reach the end of your destination

Perhaps if you are thinking of taking a really long journey

I'd recommend you take the highways I mentioned earlier that go up to a 100km/h

Oh no, please be in English...

So if you are a millionaire you can actually drive around Japan on the highways

which are all toll-operated

The only trouble is I found you need one or two things

Either a car stuffed with cash

Or a car stuffed with passengers with cash

to be able to afford the journey

I recently had planned to travel down to Osaka which a few hundred kilometers south from where I live

And the actual cost of going down there one way, was 21000 yens

which is of course, enough money to start your own religion

You could also avoid the highways and go down smaller roads, a friend recently did that and avoided toll rates

so it's do-able, you just have to decide what's important

your time or your money

and for him it was his money

So if you're thinking about driving round Japan

Have a lot of money, or have a lot of people in your car

or catch a train

Driving in Japan, this time of year

is an absolutely breath-stealing experience

the scenery, the leaves, the mountain and everything

it's just beautiful, it really is

and it's very dangerous coz you spend your time looking at it all, and not on the road

And to me it's obvious why Japanese lead the way in camera technology

why they have so many companies that make such great cameras

Because they take one look around at the mountain, the leaves, the streams, the rivers and everything

and thought "how could we share this with our friends and family on facebook and instagram?"

And that's how all these companies (Nikon, Fujifilm, Canon), were born

Probably

Now I think that's as good a reason as any

to get a car, to drive around

to be able to see and experience it all

whilst listening to Ray Charles