because I, like everyone, am fascinated

因為我和大家一樣，都被迷住了

with how long this is taking to heal.

隨著時間的推移，這是要治癒。

- Yeah. [laughs]

- 是啊。 [笑][笑]

- I think you're just keeping it on for sympathy, maybe.

- 我想你也許只是為了同情而保留它。

- Yeah, it's become my style now,

- 是啊，這已經成為我的風格了。

and it's like Michael Jackson's glove.

和它'就像邁克爾-傑克遜'的手套。

- You got your wedding ring caught

- 你的結婚戒指被抓了

on the corner of a counter.

在櫃檯的角落裡。

- Yeah, it's called ring avulsion--don't Google it.

- 是啊，這叫環狀撕脫--別谷歌了。

It's really gross, but it's real.

它真的很噁心，但它是真實的。

It almost, like, ripped my finger off my hand,

它幾乎，就像，把我的手指從我的手上扯下來。

and so, luckily I have a great doctor,

所以，幸運的是，我有一個偉大的醫生。

and all the great nurses over at Bellevue Hospital

和所有偉大的護士在貝爾維尤醫院。

took care of my finger and saved my finger.

照顧了我的手指，救了我的手指。

So it's actually a-- it's back on my hand,

所以它實際上是一個--它在我的手背上。

but it's gonna take a while to heal.

但它要花一段時間才能痊癒。

I'm doing physical therapy now.

我現在正在做物理治療。

I'm thinking probably by the new year.

我'我想大概在新年前。

- So, wow, that's, uh--

- 所以，哇，那是，呃 --

- But it's nothing--I mean, compared with what

- 但這不算什麼 -- 我的意思是，相比於什麼

people really have to deal with it's not that bad.

人們真的要處理它'的不是那麼糟糕。

- No, I understand, but still,

- 不，我明白，但還是。

I mean, it was not just a little--

我的意思是，這不只是一個小 -

You were in intensive care for 10 days, right?

你在重症監護室呆了10天，對嗎？

- Yeah. - Wow.

- 是啊。- 哇哦

- I was in the ICU, and I will say this:

- 我在重症監護室，我要說的是。

I'm so happy you're on television,

我'很高興你上了電視。

because when you're in the ICU all day,

因為當你整天在重症監護室裡的時候。

you really just--you have the television, really.

你真的只是 - 你有電視，真的。

- Yeah. - Is all you can watch.

- 是啊 你只能看這個

and thank God you're on TV, because you make everyone happy,

謝天謝地你上了電視，因為你讓大家都很開心。

and you make everyone get better and get out of there.

而你讓大家變得更好，離開那裡。

[cheers and applause] Get out of the hospital!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 離開醫院！

It's just a tricky place.

這只是一個棘手的地方。

And even worse, so I go home.

甚至更糟，所以我回家了。

I go home after I taped a show, and I have this tube of stuff

我錄完節目回家，有一管子東西。

I'm supposed to put on a scar on my hand?

我'應該在手上貼個傷疤？

And so I go home, and I put my pajamas on,

於是我回家，穿上我的睡衣。

and I'm about to go--my wife is there just sleeping--

我就要走了 -- 我的妻子就在那裡睡覺 --

- What color--what do the pajamas look like?

- 什麼顏色------睡衣是什麼樣子的？

- There's a giant sleeping cap.

- 有一個巨大的睡帽。

Yeah, yeah, sleeping cap. Yeah, yeah.

是啊，是啊，睡帽。是啊，是啊。

Just a really--just a robe.

只是一件真的--只是一件袍子。

A long--a long gown, a nightgown is what I wear.

長--長袍，我穿的就是睡衣。

- Like a silky gown?

- 像絲質長袍？

- Yeah, I wear, like, the Jessica Simpson line?

- 是啊，我穿的，像，傑西卡辛普森線？

- Uh huh.

- 嗯哼。

- Yeah, I wear a lot of her stuff

- 是啊，我穿了很多她的東西

It's comfortable, yet, you know, affordable.

它的舒適，但，你知道，實惠。

[laughing] And I wear that.

[笑]和我穿的。

So I go--I'm about to go to bed,

所以我去--我'要去睡覺了。

and I open this tube, and it's one of those tubes

我打開這個管子，它是那些管子中的一個。

that you open up, and there's also--

你打開，還有's也 --

you have to cut the end off with like a scissors or a knife.

你得用剪刀或刀子把尾巴剪掉。

- Yeah. - You know those?

- 是的 你知道這些嗎？

So I don't have a scissors or a knife,

所以我沒有剪刀和刀。

So I go, "I'll just bite it off with my teeth."

於是我走了，"我'就用牙齒把它咬掉吧&quot。

- Anybody would. - Yeah.

- 任何人都會。- 是的，我知道

So I bite, and my tooth chips-- chips in half.

所以我咬了一口，我的牙齒就碎了，碎成了兩半。

So I take my tooth out, I put it up,

所以我把我的牙齒拿出來，我把它放上去。

and I go in to my wife, I'm like, "Hey, honey!"

和我進去我的妻子，我'米喜歡，"嘿，親愛的！&quot。

Yeah, that's me right there.

是的，這就是我。

I go, "Hey honey, I'm here!

我走了，"嘿，親愛的，我'在這裡!

I'm here, I'm ready to hang out for the weekend."

我'在這裡，我'準備週末出去玩.&quot。

And she was sleeping, and I heard her whisper,

而她正在睡覺，我聽到她的低語。

"Divorce."

"離婚.&quot。

And it was very interesting.

而且非常有趣。

But I had a good run for a while of not doing any accidents,

但我有一段時間沒有做任何意外的好成績。

but this one set the record straight.

但這個人把事情說清楚了。

- It seems like we have the safest job in the world,

- 看來我們的工作是世界上最安全的。

that you couldn't get injured.

你不能受傷。

We're sitting down, we're talking to people.

我們'坐下來，我們'與人交談。

You've been comedian most of your life.

你做了大半輩子的喜劇演員。

You were so, so successful with the show

你是如此，如此成功的表演

and now Stephen Colbert's started this week,

現在斯蒂芬-科爾伯特'本週開始。

and you're friends with Stephen.

而且你和Stephen是朋友。

- I love Stephen Colbert. - But it's a competitive--

- 我愛斯蒂芬-科爾伯特。- 但這是一個競爭性的...

I mean, we all are friends.

我是說，我們都是朋友。

I'm not-- I'm not competing with you,

我不是... 我不是在和你競爭。

so we don't have that competitive nature,

所以我們沒有那種競爭的天性。

but if you're up against your friend, how does that feel?

但如果你'和你的朋友作對，那是什麼感覺？

- Well, yeah, it's interesting.

- 嗯，是的，這很有趣。

I mean, he's just, as you know,

我的意思是，他只是，你知道的。

one of the nicest guys out there.

一個最好的傢伙在那裡。

And I think the more, the merrier.

而且我覺得越多越好。

I think it just brings more attention to late night,

我想這只是給深夜帶來更多的關注。

and gets more people watching TV in general,

並讓更多人看電視一般。

so I think we all win.

所以我認為我們都贏了。

I mean, there's room for everybody.

我的意思是，有'的空間為大家。

- Yeah. - You know?

- 是的 你知道嗎？

- Good answer, yeah.

- 好的答案，是的。

- Is it good? - Yeah, it is.

- 好吃嗎？- 是的，很好

- Top--survey says? - And I like you both.

- 頂尖的... 調查顯示？- 而且我喜歡你們兩個。

I mean, it is, it's really tough,

我的意思是，它是，它'真的很難。

and there is enough to go around.

並且有足夠的去周圍。

There's enough good vibes for everybody.

有'夠好的氛圍給大家。

- Yeah, there's so many channels and so many different people

- 是啊，有這麼多的管道和這麼多不同的人。

and personalities and different tastes

和個性和不同的口味

and the more, the merrier.

而且越多越好。

I love the guy. He's a good guy.

我喜歡這個傢伙。他是個好人

- So I don't want you to get hurt anymore,

- 所以我不希望你再受到傷害。

and I know you wear suits every night on the show,

我知道你每天晚上都穿西裝上節目。

so I got you something.

所以，我給你的東西。

- You really did? - Yep, I really did.

- 你真的做了？- 是的，我真的做了。

Stand up, let me show you how it goes on.

站起來，讓我來告訴你怎麼進行。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

Thank you.

謝謝你了

Put your hands-- put your arms out.

把你的手... ... 把你的手伸出來。

- Oh, my gosh.

- 哦，我的天哪。

Oh, this is perfect. - Careful of his finger.

哦，這是完美的。- 小心他的手指。

- Yeah, this is absolutely perfect.

- 是啊，這絕對是完美的。

Thank you very much. Okay, this is good here, yup.

非常感謝你。好吧，這是很好的在這裡，是的。

- This is to protect your hands.

- 這是為了保護你的手。

- Okay, yep.

- 好吧，是的。

This finger's hurt, but I can do this.

我的手指受傷了，但我可以做到這一點。

- This is a helmet, just to make sure if you fall down.

- 這是個頭盔，只是為了確保萬一你摔倒了。

- Ellen, this is great.

- 艾倫，這是偉大的。

- No one will ever even know you have a helmet on.

- 沒有人會知道你戴著頭盔。

- This is like, no one will even know--

- 這就像，沒有人會甚至知道 -

- It's like real hair.

- 就像真正的頭髮。

[cheers and applause]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

- This is so good. No one will even know

- 這是很好的。沒人知道

that I'm not wearing my normal suit.

我沒有穿我的正常西裝。

- No one will know that--

- 沒有人會知道...

- People--and this is--I can do anything and be so safe.

- 人們... ... 而這是... ... 我可以做任何事情，是如此安全。

This is so thoughtful and caring.

這真是太貼心了，太有愛心了。

Thank you for taking care of me. - I care about you.

謝謝你對我的照顧。- 我很關心你