talk show I do when I'm walking around the city.

Today, we're going to be looking at some historical

sites for our imaginary viewers.

Over on the right here is Walt Whitman's house.

He was a famous poet and noted queer.

Over there is an old church that was part of the

Underground Railroad.

And the train tracks over there are part of the lesser

known above-ground railroad.

-Excuse me.

Are you a tour guide?

-Uh, listen, bitch, I'm married.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

DAVID (INTERNAL MONOLOGUE): Why did I say that?

I'm not married.

I mean, yes, I'm fathering an illegitimate child.

But that's not until December.

And she seemed so nice.

-Hey, wait.

-Yes?

-Oh, I--

You're still here.

I d--

I didn't, uh--

I thought you'd walked away.

-No, I was just kind of standing right here.

-So did you ask me something about

whether I'm a tour guide?

Or--

-I did.

You see, I'm trying to see as much of the city as I can in

as short amount of time.

I'm dying.

-Oh, my god.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

-Yeah, it's a really rare, rare form of acne.

-Oh, that's terrible.

-Tell me about it.

-Listen, I--

I don't normally do this, but you seem so pathetic.

Why don't you meet me here 9:00 AM tomorrow morning, and

I'll give a tour of the city you'll never forget?

-Oh, thank you!

-$200.

-Excuse me, I'm sorry?

-It'll cost $200.

-Oh.

I thought it was a gift.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Well, you-- would you mind if I gave you the money tomorrow

because--

-Actually, no, because then what if you-- kchk!

-'Cause if I die.

-Yeah.

-Then where would you be without the money?

-Can you hurry it up?

-Right, I'm sorry.

-Come on, come on.

So I'm going to meet her tomorrow morning.

-Fantastic.

Don't forget to bring your rubbers.

-I hear wedding bells.

She sounds cute.

-Where the fuck you get this wedding bell thing?

You've never even met the girl.

Whatever you're on, I want, like, a double order of it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Hey, hi.

-Where were you?

I've been waiting forever.

-I'm sorry I'm late.

I, uh, was doing a big jerk-off session, and I wanted

to delay my cum as long as possible.

-I understand.

But I really would like to get going now because I don't have

a lot of time.

-Yeah, literally.

Listen, I have a little confession to make, um, kind

of about the reason I was late.

-You weren't having a jerk-off session?

-I was.

It was a big one, but what I didn't tell you is that when I

was stroking it, I was thinking about you.

KERI (OFFSCREEN): Really?

-Yeah.

-That's so sweet.

-You know, Keri, we could go on that walking tour and get a

lot out of it.

Or--

-Or what?

-Or we could spend what little time we have left on this

Earth making passionate, sweet, amorous

love with each other.

What do you think?

-I really think I'd just like the walking tour.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I thought maybe you'd want to do the making love one.

-No, I think I'd just like the tour.

-Maybe you'd want to do a 50/50 thing, like, you know,

half walking tour, half love?

-No, I'd really just like the tour.

-Hm, OK, we can do that.

-OK.

Shall we get going?

-Yeah, let's go.

-All right.

-Yeah.

Well, guess we'll start right here.

This is, uh--

DAVID (NARRATING): I was glad I got the money upfront

because about a half hour later, she died learning about

the city that I love.

And I guess, in a way, she became a part of its history.

I was there with her at the end, and after she went, I

took the opportunity to feel her boobs a little.

They were pretty good.

-Do you know a place around here where a guy can get a

hold of a canister of lipstick?