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  • So I'm a woman with chronic schizophrenia.

    我是一位患有慢性思覺失調症的女性。

  • I've spent hundreds of days

    我曾有數百天

  • in psychiatric hospitals.

    待在精神病院裡,

  • I might have ended up spending

    我即可能大半輩子

  • most of my life on the back ward of a hospital,

    會待在醫院的後病房裡,

  • but that isn't how my life turned out.

    但我的生活並沒有變成那樣。

  • In fact, I've managed to stay clear of hospitals

    事實上,我成功地避開醫院

  • for almost three decades,

    已將近三十年了,

  • perhaps my proudest accomplishment.

    這也許是我最自豪的成就。

  • That's not to say that I've remained clear

    這並不是說我已全然擺脫

  • of all psychiatric struggles.

    所有與精神病的困鬥。

  • After I graduated from the Yale Law School and

    我從耶魯法學院畢業後

  • got my first law job, my New Haven analyst, Dr. White,

    得到我的第一份法律工作, 我的紐哈芬分析師懷特博士

  • announced to me that he was going to close his practice

    告訴我他即將在三個月之內,

  • in three months, several years

    關閉他的事務所,

  • before I had planned to leave New Haven.

    這離我計畫離開紐哈芬早了幾年。

  • White had been enormously helpful to me,

    懷特博士給我莫大的幫助,

  • and the thought of his leaving

    想到他的離去,

  • shattered me.

    粉碎了我。

  • My best friend Steve,

    我最好的朋友史提夫

  • sensing that something was terribly wrong,

    察覺某事極不對勁,

  • flew out to New Haven to be with me.

    飛來紐哈芬陪我。

  • Now I'm going to quote from some of my writings:

    現在我要引用一些我寫的東西:

  • "I opened the door to my studio apartment.

    「我打開我公寓套房的門,

  • Steve would later tell me that,

    史提夫後來告訴我,

  • for all the times he had seen me psychotic, nothing

    在他所看過我發病的時候,

  • could have prepared him for what he saw that day.

    沒有一次能預備他那天所見的狀況。

  • For a week or more, I had barely eaten.

    約莫一個禮拜或更久,我幾乎沒有進食。

  • I was gaunt. I walked

    我枯瘦憔悴,走路時

  • as though my legs were wooden.

    雙腿像木頭一樣,

  • My face looked and felt like a mask.

    我的臉看起來、 感覺起來都像一張面具。

  • I had closed all the curtains in the apartment, so

    我拉上公寓所有的窗簾,

  • in the middle of the day

    所以日正當中時

  • the apartment was in near total darkness.

    公寓裡幾乎是全然的黑暗。

  • The air was fetid, the room a shambles.

    空氣惡臭,房間一團亂。

  • Steve, both a lawyer and a psychologist, has treated

    史提夫是律師也是心理學家,

  • many patients with severe mental illness, and to this day

    曾治療許多患有精神重症的病患,

  • he'll say I was as bad as any he had ever seen.

    至今,他還是會說我是他看過最嚴重的。

  • 'Hi,' I said, and then I returned to the couch,

    『嗨!』我說,然後回到長沙發上,

  • where I sat in silence for several moments.

    我坐在那裡不發一語好一陣子。

  • 'Thank you for coming, Steve.

    『 謝謝你來,史提夫。

  • Crumbling world, word, voice.

    崩解的世界、文字、聲音。

  • Tell the clocks to stop.

    叫時鐘停頓。

  • Time is. Time has come.'

    時間是。時候到了。』

  • 'White is leaving,' Steve said somberly.

    『 懷特要離開了 』,史提夫悶悶地說。

  • 'I'm being pushed into a grave. The situation is grave,' I moan.

    我悲嘆: 『 我正被推進墳墓,這情況就如墳墓。』

  • 'Gravity is pulling me down.

    『 重力把我拉下去,

  • I'm scared. Tell them to get away.'"

    我害怕,叫他們走開。』」

  • As a young woman, I was in a psychiatric hospital

    年輕時,我曾因三個不同情況

  • on three different occasions for lengthy periods.

    在精神病院待了頗長的時間。

  • My doctors diagnosed me with chronic schizophrenia,

    我的醫師診斷我患有慢性思覺失調症,

  • and gave me a prognosis of "grave."

    且預後嚴重。

  • That is, at best, I was expected to live in a board and care,

    也就是說: 我頂多是預計住在護理機構

  • and work at menial jobs.

    做一些卑微的工作。

  • Fortunately, I did not actually

    幸運地,我實際上

  • enact that grave prognosis.

    並沒有讓嚴重的病情發生。

  • Instead, I'm a chaired Professor of Law, Psychology

    取而代之的,我是法學、心理學

  • and Psychiatry at the USC Gould School of Law,

    與精神病學首席教授,任職於南加大古爾德法學院。

  • I have many close friends

    我有很多親近的好朋友,

  • and I have a beloved husband, Will, who's here with us today.

    還有心愛的先生威爾, 他今天也在現場。

  • (Applause) Thank you.

    (掌聲)謝謝。

  • He's definitely the star of my show.

    他絕對是我生命中的要角。

  • I'd like to share with you how that happened, and also

    我想跟你們分享那歷程,

  • describe my experience of being psychotic.

    並且描述我患病的經歷。

  • I hasten to add that it's my experience,

    我先說,那是我個人的經歷,

  • because everyone becomes psychotic in his or her own way.

    因為每個人轉變成病患的狀況不同。

  • Let's start with the definition of schizophrenia.

    讓我們從思覺失調症的定義開始。

  • Schizophrenia is a brain disease.

    思覺失調症是一種腦部疾病

  • Its defining feature is psychosis, or being

    其決定性特徵是精神失常,

  • out of touch with reality.

    或與現實脫節。

  • Delusions and hallucinations

    妄想和幻覺,

  • are hallmarks of the illness.

    都是這疾病的特徵。

  • Delusions are fixed and false beliefs that aren't responsive

    妄想是牢固且不真實的信念,與證據不符,

  • to evidence, and hallucinations are false sensory experiences.

    而幻覺則是不真實的感知經驗。

  • For example, when I'm psychotic I often have

    舉例來說,當發病時

  • the delusion that I've killed hundreds of thousands

    我常妄想,我以意念

  • of people with my thoughts.

    已殺了數十萬人。

  • I sometimes have the idea that

    有時候我認為

  • nuclear explosions are about to be set off in my brain.

    核爆即將在我腦袋中引發。

  • Occasionally, I have hallucinations,

    偶爾,我有幻覺,

  • like one time I turned around and saw a man

    例如有次我回頭看到一個男人

  • with a raised knife.

    高舉著刀。

  • Imagine having a nightmare while you're awake.

    想像在你醒著時做惡夢,

  • Often, speech and thinking become disorganized

    通常,說話與思維變得雜亂無章

  • to the point of incoherence.

    到了語無倫次的程度。

  • Loose associations involves putting together words

    不確切的聯想包含

  • that may sound a lot alike but don't make sense,

    將聽起來很像的詞語組合起來,但並無意義。

  • and if the words get jumbled up enough, it's called "word salad."

    如果字詞夠紊亂,那稱為「語詞沙拉」。

  • Contrary to what many people think, schizophrenia is not

    思覺失調症並非許多人想的

  • the same as multiple personality disorder or split personality.

    多重人格或人格分裂,

  • The schizophrenic mind is not split, but shattered.

    病患的心智不是分裂的, 而是粉碎的。

  • Everyone has seen a street person,

    大家都見過街頭遊民,

  • unkempt, probably ill-fed,

    蓬頭垢面,可能營養不良,

  • standing outside of an office building muttering

    站在辦公大樓外

  • to himself or shouting.

    自言自語或大吼大叫,

  • This person is likely to have some form of schizophrenia.

    那人可能患有某種思覺失調症。

  • But schizophrenia presents itself across a wide array

    但思覺失調症患者

  • of socioeconomic status, and there are people

    存在各個社會經濟階層,

  • with the illness who are full-time professionals

    有些病患是全職、

  • with major responsibilities.

    擔負重要職責的專業人士。

  • Several years ago, I decided

    數年前,我決定

  • to write down my experiences and my personal journey,

    記錄下我的經驗和個人歷程,

  • and I want to share some more of that story with you today

    我今天想跟大家多分享一些故事

  • to convey the inside view.

    來傳遞病情的內觀。

  • So the following episode happened the seventh week

    接下來這段發生在耶魯法學院,

  • of my first semester of my first year at Yale Law School.

    我第一年、第一學期的第七週。

  • Quoting from my writings:

    引用我的札記:

  • "My two classmates, Rebel and Val, and I had made the date

    「我和兩位同學──瑞貝爾和薇爾相約,

  • to meet in the law school library on Friday night

    週五晚上到法學院圖書館碰面

  • to work on our memo assignment together.

    一起做我們的法律備忘錄作業,

  • But we didn't get far before I was talking in ways

    但我們有任何進展前,

  • that made no sense.

    我開始語無倫次。

  • 'Memos are visitations,' I informed them.

    我告訴他們:『備忘錄就是訪視,

  • 'They make certain points. The point is on your head.

    他們建立某些論點,重點在你的腦袋,

  • Pat used to say that. Have you killed you anyone?'

    派特曾說過,你殺過人嗎?』

  • Rebel and Val looked at me

    瑞貝爾和薇爾盯著我

  • as if they or I had been

    就像他們或我

  • splashed in the face with cold water.

    臉上被潑了冷水,

  • 'What are you talking about, Elyn?'

    『艾琳,妳在說什麼?』

  • 'Oh, you know, the usual. Who's what, what's who,

    『噢,你知道,如常, 誰是什麼,什麼是誰,

  • heaven and hell. Let's go out on the roof.

    天堂、地獄。去屋頂吧,

  • It's a flat surface. It's safe.'

    那表面是平的、安全的。』

  • Rebel and Val followed

    瑞貝爾和薇爾跟著我

  • and they asked what had gotten into me.

    他們問我怎麼了,

  • 'This is the real me,' I announced,

    我說:『這是真正的我』,

  • waving my arms above my head.

    我舉手過頭揮舞著。

  • And then, late on a Friday night, on the roof

    然後在週五的深夜,

  • of the Yale Law School,

    耶魯法學院的屋頂上,

  • I began to sing, and not quietly either.

    我開始大聲地唱歌,

  • 'Come to the Florida sunshine bush.

    『來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢,

  • Do you want to dance?'

    你要跳舞嗎?』

  • 'Are you on drugs?' one asked. 'Are you high?'

    有人問: 『妳嗑藥了嗎?在嗨嗎?』

  • 'High? Me? No way, no drugs.

    『嗨?我? 不可能,沒嗑藥,

  • Come to the Florida sunshine bush,

    來佛羅里達的陽光灌木叢,

  • where there are lemons, where they make demons.'

    那裡有檸檬, 他們在那裡製造魔鬼。』

  • 'You're frightening me,' one of them said, and Rebel and Val

    其中一人說:『妳嚇到我了』,

  • headed back into the library.

    瑞貝爾和薇爾往圖書館去,

  • I shrugged and followed them.

    我聳聳肩,跟著他們。

  • Back inside, I asked my classmates if they were

    回到圖書館內,我問同學

  • having the same experience of words jumping around

    是否也見案件字跳來跳去,

  • our cases as I was.

    就像我一樣。

  • 'I think someone's infiltrated my copies of the cases,' I said.

    『我認為有人潛入了我這份案件,

  • 'We've got to case the joint.

    我們得把那關節裝箱,

  • I don't believe in joints, but

    我不相信關節,

  • they do hold your body together.'" --

    但他們確把身體連接起來。』

  • It's an example of loose associations. --

    這是一個散漫聯想的實例。

  • "Eventually I made my way back to my dorm room,

    「我終於回到宿舍房間,

  • and once there, I couldn't settle down.

    但我無法安穩下來,

  • My head was too full of noise,

    我的腦袋充滿了噪音,

  • too full of orange trees and law memos I could not write

    充滿了柳橙樹和 寫不出的法律備忘錄,

  • and mass murders I knew I would be responsible for.

    還有因我而有的大屠殺。

  • Sitting on my bed, I rocked back and forth,

    我坐在床上前後搖著,

  • moaning in fear and isolation."

    在恐懼和孤立裡呻吟。」

  • This episode led to my first hospitalization in America.

    這導致我第一次在美國住院治療,

  • I had two earlier in England.

    之前在英國有兩次。

  • Continuing with the writings:

    繼續我的札記:

  • "The next morning I went to my professor's office to ask

    「隔日早上我到教授辦公室

  • for an extension on the memo assignment,

    要求延繳備忘錄作業,

  • and I began gibbering unintelligably

    我開始語無倫次

  • as I had the night before,

    就像前晚一樣,

  • and he eventually brought me to the emergency room.

    最後他送我到急診室,

  • Once there, someone I'll just call 'The Doctor'

    到了那,有個人, 就稱他『那個醫生』

  • and his whole team of goons swooped down,

    與他整隊暴徒猛撲過來,

  • lifted me high into the air,

    把我高舉在空中,

  • and slammed me down on a metal bed

    重摔到金屬床上,

  • with such force that I saw stars.

    力量之大到讓我眼冒金星。

  • Then they strapped my legs and arms to the metal bed

    然後用厚厚的皮帶,

  • with thick leather straps.

    把我手腳綁在床上。

  • A sound came out of my mouth that I'd never heard before:

    嘴裡冒出我從未聽過的聲音,

  • half groan, half scream,

    半呻吟、半尖叫、

  • barely human and pure terror.

    幾乎沒人性、純粹的驚駭。

  • Then the sound came again,

    然後那聲音又來了,

  • forced from somewhere deep inside my belly

    從我腹腔深處強力湧上

  • and scraping my throat raw."

    刮得我喉嚨都破了。」

  • This incident resulted in my involuntary hospitalization.

    這導致我非自願的住院治療,

  • One of the reasons the doctors gave for hospitalizing me

    醫生的理由之一

  • against my will was that I was

    違我意住院,

  • "gravely disabled."

    是因為我是「嚴重殘疾」。

  • To support this view, they wrote in my chart that I was unable

    為了支持這說法,我病歷上寫著

  • to do my Yale Law School homework.

    無法完成耶魯法學院作業。

  • I wondered what that meant about much of the rest of New Haven.

    我不知這對大數紐哈芬人意味著什麼。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • During the next year, I would

    後來的一年間,

  • spend five months in a psychiatric hospital.

    我在精神病院待了五個月。

  • At times, I spent up to 20 hours in mechanical restraints,

    有時,被機械束縛多達 20 小時,

  • arms tied, arms and legs tied down,

    手臂被綁著、 手和腿都被束縛,

  • arms and legs tied down with a net tied

    被網子綁著手腳

  • tightly across my chest.

    在我胸前緊緊地交錯。

  • I never struck anyone.

    我從未攻擊任何人,

  • I never harmed anyone. I never made any direct threats.

    從未傷害任何人,從未直接威脅人,

  • If you've never been restrained yourself, you may have

    若你未曾被綑綁過,

  • a benign image of the experience.

    你對這經歷的想像 可能是良性的,

  • There's nothing benign about it.

    這一點都不良性。

  • Every week in the United States,

    在美國,

  • it's been estimated that one to three people die in restraints.

    每週預期有 1-3 人死於束縛,

  • They strangle, they aspirate their vomit,

    他們被勒著, 他們吐出嘔吐物,

  • they suffocate, they have a heart attack.

    他們窒息, 他們心臟病發。

  • It's unclear whether using mechanical restraints

    不明確的是,使用機械縛具

  • is actually saving lives or costing lives.

    實際上是救命還是害命。

  • While I was preparing to write my student note

    當我正準備為耶魯法律期刊

  • for the Yale Law Journal on mechanical restraints,

    撰寫有關機械縛具學生筆記,

  • I consulted an eminent law professor who was also

    我詢問了一位著名法學教授,

  • a psychiatrist,

    他也是一位精神科醫師,

  • and said surely he would agree

    他說,他當然同意

  • that restraints must be degrading,

    束縛一定是有辱人格、

  • painful and frightening.

    痛苦且恐懼的。

  • He looked at me in a knowing way, and said,

    他以理解的方式看著我說:

  • "Elyn, you don't really understand:

    「艾琳,妳並不真的了解

  • These people are psychotic.

    這些人精神失常,

  • They're different from me and you.

    他們和你我不同,

  • They wouldn't experience restraints as we would."

    他們對束縛的感受不同與我們。」

  • I didn't have the courage to tell him in that moment that,

    當時我沒有勇氣告訴他,

  • no, we're not that different from him.

    不,我們和他沒什麼不同,

  • We don't like to be strapped down to a bed

    我們不比他喜歡被綁在床上

  • and left to suffer for hours any more than he would.

    痛苦好幾個小時。

  • In fact, until very recently,

    事實上,直到最近,

  • and I'm sure some people still hold it as a view,

    我確信仍有些人抱持這看法,

  • that restraints help psychiatric patients feel safe.

    束縛可讓精神病患感到安全。

  • I've never met a psychiatric patient

    我從未遇過哪個精神病患

  • who agreed with that view.

    會同意這個看法。

  • Today, I'd like to say I'm very pro-psychiatry

    今天,我很贊成精神病治療

  • but very anti-force.

    但我很反暴力。

  • I don't think force is effective as treatment, and I think

    我不認為暴力是有效的療法,

  • using force is a terrible thing to do to another person

    我認為對有可怕疾病的人

  • with a terrible illness.

    施暴很糟糕。

  • Eventually, I came to Los Angeles

    後來,我來到洛杉磯

  • to teach at the University of Southern California Law School.

    南加大法學院教學。

  • For years, I had resisted medication,

    我抗拒服藥數年,

  • making many, many efforts to get off.

    花了許多許多的努力做到,

  • I felt that if I could manage without medication,

    我覺得如果我可不吃藥來控制,

  • I could prove that, after all,

    我最終可以證明

  • I wasn't really mentally ill, it was some terrible mistake.

    我不是真有精神病, 那是個可怕的錯誤。

  • My motto was the less medicine, the less defective.

    我的座右銘是少吃藥就少缺陷。

  • My L.A. analyst, Dr. Kaplan, was urging me

    我洛杉磯的分析師卡普蘭博士

  • just to stay on medication and get on with my life,

    力勸我持續服藥、享受生活,

  • but I decided I wanted to make one last college try to get off.

    但我決定再試最後一次戒藥。

  • Quoting from the text:

    從文中引用:

  • "I started the reduction of my meds, and within a short time

    「我開始減少用藥,在短時間內

  • I began feeling the effects.

    我開始感受到效果,

  • After returning from a trip to Oxford, I marched into

    牛津之行後, 我走進卡普蘭的辦公室,

  • Kaplan's office, headed straight for the corner, crouched down,

    直接走到角落蜷伏下來,

  • covered my face, and began shaking.

    掩面且開始顫抖,

  • All around me I sensed evil beings poised with daggers.

    感覺惡靈拿著匕首,圍繞著我,

  • They'd slice me up in thin slices

    他們會把我削成薄片

  • or make me swallow hot coals.

    或要我吞熱煤炭。

  • Kaplan would later describe me as 'writhing in agony.'

    卡普蘭後來描述我 『痛苦地扭動』,

  • Even in this state, what he accurately described as

    即使在這狀態下, 他準確描述了

  • acutely and forwardly psychotic,

    急性且加重的精神失常。

  • I refused to take more medication.

    我拒絕再吃更多的藥,