Comes the only 80's action movie to come out in 2010:

The Expendables.

Before the release of the watered-down PG-13 sequel

revisit the R-rated movie that has all the explosions, guns, and testosterone you crave

And all the plotty overcomplicated backstory you don't.

"Remember that time we was up in Bosnia? We took down them Serb bad boys while our guys

were getting chopped up all around us --"

No one cares! Just shoot a bunch of people already!

Ahh, that's better.

Meet The Expendables, a mercenary gang of aging movie stars brought together for one

last paycheck.

Thrill as the heroes of your youth team up, without nearly enough screen-time to go around,

Featuring hours worth of Statham and Stallone

But only 2 minutes of Willis and Schwarzenegger.

He... won't be back.

Instead of the all-star brawl you were promised on the poster,

Get ready for showdowns that no one ever asked for, like

Jet Li versus Dolf Lundgren,

Steve Austin versus Randy Couture,

And Jason Statham versus a pickup basketball team.

"Next time I'll deflate all your balls."

Suit up with the leader of The Expendables: Barney Ross, a man with a mysterious past,

and a mysterious color-changing goatee.

Watch this killer with a conscience struggle through tough choices to do the right thing.

"This is my choice. There's no guilt. No guilt."

And struggle through Botox to make his face smile.

Ahh, almost there! Almost got it!

Aw.

Ride along on his mission to take down this generically evil CIA agent

And this generically evil general

To save this generically Latin island nation

going through some kind of coup or revolution or something.

"They wanted me out. Why? Because I saw the big picture!"

Once again: no one cares!

But it's not just boys playing with their toys.

Get to know the movie's rich female characters like

This helpless hostage,

This cheating girlfriend,

This random biker skank.

"Anything for you, baby."

And.. uhh.. that's all, I guess.

Not a lot of women in this movie.

Gear up for a film that seamlessly blends the worst action movie cliches of the last

forty years,

Featuring:

Heroes who somehow dodge every bullet from the 80's,

Corny one liners from the 90's,

Lame CGI blood effects from the 2000's,

And lame CGI everything else from today.

So get ready to say "Huh?" in a movie full of Asian, Latin, and European actors

who speak English as a second language.

And also Sylvester Stallone.

Is that English?

Starring...

Sylvester Staroids

Cranky

Ivan Drunko

The Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh Black Guy

Lucky To Be Here

Bruce Will-isn't In The Movie

Plane Li

Greasy Gandalf

and Old Man The Barbarian

The Expendables

Man all I really wanted to see is these guys trade one liners.

"I'll be back!"

"You've been back enough! I'LL be back."

"Yippee ki yay."

Nevermind.