and if you want to see more of me,

如果你們還想看到更多的我的話

I'm on two shows today.

我今天會上兩個節目

I'm doing my show now,

一個是現在這個

and then later tonight I'm gonna be on Jimmy Fallon,

另一個是晚點我會到 Jimmy Fallon 的

on "The Tonight Show," so...

今夜秀

[cheers and applause]

［歡呼&掌聲］

It'll be fun.

會很好玩

'Cause Jimmy was on my show last week,

因為 Jimmy 上週也有來我的節目

so I'm doing his show this week,

所以這週換我過去他的節目

which is how the industry works in this town.

這就是這行業的規則啦

You know, you give and then take,

你來，我往

and then I--you scratch my back, and I scratch yours,

你幫我的背抓癢癢，我也幫你的背抓癢癢

and you tie me up and I tickle you with a feather.

然後你把我綁起來，我用羽毛搔你癢

[laughter]

［大笑］

I'm thinking of "50 Shades of Grey," I'm sorry.

抱歉，我想到格雷的五十道陰影去了

I just...took a turn.

腦袋轉了個彎

Jimmy wanted to have me on his show,

Jimmy 邀請我去他的節目的時候

and I lied. I had, "Oh, I have plenty

我對他說了謊

to talk about, Jimmy. That's great."

我說：「我有超多想說的！ Jimmy，這機會很棒。」

It's not true. I have nothing to talk about

這是假的，我想不到有什麼好說的

'cause I come out here, I talk to you every day,

因為我站在這，每天都跟大家對話

and I tell you everything.

什麼事都跟大家說

This is--this is my platform.

這裡，是我的平台

I tell you about my life.

我跟你說我的生活啊

I tell you what I did the night before,

我昨晚做了啥啊

and then I go home and I do things,

然後再回家，再做一些有的沒的

and then I come in the next day and I tell you what I done did.

隔天上節目，再跟大家說我昨天幹啥了

And...then all my stories are saved for you.

我所有事情大家都知道了

So...when I have another show,

所以當我有另外個節目要上

it's hard, you know,

就變得很難

to make stuff up.

憑空捏造一些事情

You know? So...

所以....

To come up with-- so, you know what?

編造一些事情...

I wanted to have stories to tell Jimmy, so over the weekend,

我想要有可以在 Jimmy 的節目上說的事情

I picked up some hobbies.

所以上週末我找了些業餘嗜好來做

And...

然後...

I'm sorry, did I say "hobbies?"

抱歉，我剛剛說嗜好嗎？

Hobos. I picked up some hobos.

無業遊民，我去認識些無業遊民

That's what I meant to say. Hobos.

這是我原本要說的

And I have a lot of stories, but I can't tell them on TV.

我雖然有很多故事，但卻無法從電視上告訴他們

But...I did learn how to open a can of beans with my teeth.

但我學到了如何用牙齒打開罐頭

So that is good.

這招很棒！

They can be helpful in that way, the hobos.

那些遊民們對這些方面很在行

It's nice if you can talk about something funny

如果你也可以跟著聊

that happened at the grocery store, too.

一些發生在雜貨店的事，也會很有趣的

But I haven't been to a grocery store since 1998.

但我從 1998 年以後就沒去過雜貨店了

So...

所以...

Are you still not allowed to squeeze the Charmin?

現在還是禁止揉 Charmin 牌的衛生紙嗎？

I saw the commercials, so...

我看過他們的廣告...

Most people go on a show and they promote a show

大部分的人上節目，是為了去宣傳另一個節目

that they're on or a movie, and I don't need to do that

或是宣傳電影，但我不需要這麼做

'cause we're just doing fine the way we're going on the show.

因為我們現在節目的發展很好

So, I don't need to promote that, thank you very much.

所以我不需要額外的宣傳，這真的得感謝大家

[cheers and applause]

［歡呼&掌聲］

I...

我...

So, I don't have anything to promote.

所以我沒啥東西要宣傳

I don't have a clip or anything.

我沒有準備節目的片段或是其他東西

But then I thought, well, I could show, like, how much fun

但我想說，也許可以剪個片段

we have on this show. I could show a clip,

來展現我們節目多好玩

for instance, of this lady before the show.

譬如說，在節目開始前的這位女士

[dance music playing]

［音樂下！］

[cheers and applause]

［歡呼&掌聲］

[laughter]

［大笑］

[cheers and applause]

［歡呼&掌聲］

I love how timid you are right now and shy.

我喜歡你現在這麼害羞靦腆

Everybody seems shy until you get out here,

大家看起來都很害羞，直到你們到台上

and then it's on. It's like...

就像開關打開

I didn't think it would actually show.

我不知道這會上節目

What's that?

你說啥？

I didn't think anyone would actually see it.

我不知道其他人會看到這段

[laughter]

［大笑］

Oh, I'm watching backstage the whole time.

哦我在後台時都會一直關注台上

I don't even want to start the show sometimes,

我甚至有時候會不想開始節目

I'm so entertained. I was watching tWitch out here

因為太好玩了！就像是邊看直播節目

doing the Hustle with somebody. It was wonderful.

邊和其他人忙來忙去。這真的超棒

So here's what I think. I'm gonna--

所以我想說，我準備

I'll have things to talk about, but at least--

我會準備好上節目要說的

Jimmy has a great band. He has The Roots,

至少他有很棒的樂隊，有 The Roots (樂團)

so one thing I know I'm gonna do on that show is dance,

所以唯一我確定會在這節目上做的事情，就是跳舞

for sure.

一定跳！