-And so the sweet young princess was bitten,

and the evil vampire lived happily ever after.

-Dad, I'm too old for bedtime stories,

and I'm too young to be sleeping in a coffin.

-You're never too young to learn good habits.

Now, it may seem a bit dark and scary at first,

but don't worry.

Daddy's here to nail you in.

-But I won't be able to breathe!

-Breathe?

You're a vampire, Vladdie.

[banging]

-Not yet I'm not!

-Oh, it's best if you keep your mouth shut.

Otherwise you might get worms crawling in.

-Worms?

-What's going on?

It sounds like you're in pain.

Can I watch?

-Yeah, come in.

The more the merrier.

Dad's just nailing me into a coffin.

-Typical.

I'm nearly 16.

How come I don't get my own coffin?

-There's a perfectly good reason, Ingrid.

You're a girl.

Now, son, I shall leave you to enjoy your new coffin.

I have some midnight hunting to do.

-Off to nibble some sheep again, are we, daddy?

-Sheep?

How dare you?

I am a prince of darkness.

-Well, just make sure the farmer doesn't catch you this time.

-Blood and garlic!

Bat alert!

The vampire is in the air!

Go, go, go!

Dad?

-Yeah, let's just finish this game first.

Hey, I got a double word score.

-What's up with you?

We were waiting for this all night,

and now you'd rather stay in and play Scrabble.

-Cuckoo!

-Yeah, you said it.

Loopy.

-No, cuckoo.

Look.

I'm catching up.

-Chicken.

I win.

-Behold, morning has broken.

But young Vladimir sleeps, away from

sunlight's-- [coughing] Scorching glare.

-Oh, thank you, master.

I'll knit something.

Small.

-Inside this coffin, there lies a true vampire.

Vladimir!

-[scream]

-What is this thing?

-That thing?

Never seen it before in my life.

Oh, Mr. Cuddles!

-Ah, so it's Mr. Cuddles now, is it?

-I don't normally sleep with him, obviously.

-Oh, was poor little Vladdie Waddie lonely?

You're supposed to be my son and heir!

-Yeah, well, I never chose to be, did I?

-All right.

-Take it out on the monkey, why don't you?

Lock up your teddies.

They'll be scared of you now.

Mom?

-Magda.

-Hello, darlings.

Or should I say, congratulations, daddy?

-Mom's pregnant?

How did this happen?

-Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other,

they make a special wish for a baby.

-Yes, but mommy doesn't love daddy.

She loves Patrick.

-Here we are.

Boy's Names for the Modern Vampire, published 1254 AD.

Now let's see.

Ah, Attila!

Attila, Genghis.

Hm.

Uh, Barry.

-You do realize it could be a girl.

-What?

It's not an egg dropper, is it, darling?

-Of course not.

He'll be all man, like his father.

-There's life in the old dog yet.

-Talking of dogs, how's Patrick?

-Patrick?

-Yeah, you know.

Patrick the werewolf, tall, dark, and hairy.

Patrick.

-Vladimir, we do not say that name in this castle.

-What, Patrick?

-[roaring]

Idiot.

-Robin!

-Have you seen this?

-Robin!

-Local farmers lock up their livestock

due to spate of unexplained animal bitings?

-Someone's been biting animals?

-Of course they haven't.

It's made up, silly.

-You don't really think there's some nutter going

around nibbling sheep, do you?

-[bleats]

-[bleats]

-[bleats]

-[bleats]

-I mean, biting a human I can understand.

A poor innocent animal is-- what's up with you?

-Mom and dad are having a baby.

-Magda?

That's great news, isn't it?

-What, bringing another vampire into the world?

Another merciless blood sucking monster.

-Or he could be a bit of a boring one, like you.

-Thanks.

I knew you'd cheer me up.

-Dad!

-Hey, Jonathan.

-Hey, Jonathan.

-Is that a coffin?

-Yes.

Got a problem with that?

-No.

I mean, yes.

You won't get away with it, you beautiful freak!

-Let's go.

-That's right, run away at the first sign of trouble.

All I want is a coffin!

Is that too much to ask?

-Um, Ingrid, it's none of our business, but--

-You're not dying, are you?

-Dying?

Me?

Well.

I don't expect I'll be doing much breathing

after my 16th birthday.

-[sigh] Ingrid.

-And what is this?

-Your lunch, mistress.

Do you want it shaved, or au naturale?

-Is this a joke?

-Uh, the master's become, uh, quite partial.

-The master isn't pregnant.

I need blood.

Human blood.

[hissing]

-No.

[laughing] No, Mistress Magda, please!

I'm-- I'm saving myself for my master!

-Ugh.

Ugh.

-I-- I could have a wipe down.

-Jonno, can't this wait?

-No.

This is urgent slaying business.

-Slaying?

Look, maybe-- maybe we need some time off.

It's not as if the vampires are up to much, is it?

-No, apart from building coffins in your woodwork room.

-Rubbish.

-All right then, Sherlock, what's this?

-That is a designer coffee table with a convenient shaped body

space underneath.

-Dad, they're making us look stupid!

Now either we slay or we pay.

You decide.

-They love me, they love me.

They love me, they really love me.

-Ingrid in need.

You're sick.

-So it would seem.

-I don't believe you.

Pretending you've got a terminal illness

just to get a few presents.

-Aww, it sounds like someone's jealous.

-What have I got to be jealous about?

-Well, let's see.

Here's me getting all this attention at school,

and at home, you're not Dad's favorite anymore.

-Ingrid, of course I'm his favorite.

Nothing's going to change that.

-Hi, Dad.

-Shh.

Silence.

I'm talking to my new son.

-You were saying?

[growl]

-That's my boy.

-No, that's my stomach.

I'm starving.

Renfield!

Where's that pizza delivery boy I ordered?

[doorbell]

-Ah.

That'll be my six foot Sicilian.

-Hello.

-Hello, and congratulations.

Robin told us your news.

-Hi, Magda.

-I've brought you some books on breastfeeding.

Shall we have a read?

-Still wrestling with a name, eh?

I've always really liked Patrick.

-What?

-Dad, Patrick is mom's boyfriend.

-Ex!

Ex-boyfriend!

-That's what she says.

They break up pretty much every full moon.

-Right.

That's it.

Go to your room.

-She's only gonna let you down again.

-Upstairs, now!

Before I flay you alive and feed you inch by inch to rooks.

-I see you've been watching that Super Nanny too.

-Vlad?

-Oh, so you've finally stopped drooling over my mom, have you?

-Oh, no, I'll be going back down in a minute.

That is, unless you wanted to talk.

-I just don't know what everyone's so excited about.

-Look, I was jealous when Chloe was born, but it's just--

-I'm not jealous.

I'm just worried about my dad.

-What?

Your dad, the evil bloodsucker?

-Sucker, definitely, when it comes to my mom.

-Ah, Vlad, my boy.

I just want to apologize for snapping.

It was rude, unthinking, and completely selfish, and, uh--

[knocking]

-I say, what a lovely room for a nursery.

You won't mind moving out, will you?

-Uh, yes.

-Tough necks.

It's decided.

-Master!

-Splendid.

My son and heir will want for nothing.

-Really?

Can I have a PlayStation?

-No, not you.

The baby.

-But I'm your son and heir, right?

-Ah, but you never chose to be.

Well, now you won't have to.

-What?

-I'm not such a bad father after all, am I?

-[scream]

-Vlad, I want you to know I'm not

enjoying your fall from grace.

-Get out!

-I'm loving it.

-Magda was [inaudible].

Breathe, breathe!

Legs!

Ugh. -Should I call an ambulance?

-Oh, no, no.

I'll be fine.

-I found a forceps.

And I cleaned off the mold.

-[screaming] Get out!

-[screaming]

-Out!

And fetch me clean towels and hot water!

-Dad, about the whole son and heir thing.

-Oh, no need to thank me, boy.

-Actually, I've changed my mind.

I would like to be heir to the throne after all.

-That's wonderful news!

Unfortunately, I've already promised Magda

the new baby will inherit the title.

-So tell her you've changed your mind.

You're the boss.

-Well, I know that.

I'm just not sure she does.

-[scream]

[baby crying]