第零、一類條件句型

Raise your hand if you have a relationship in your life that's meaningful to you.

如果你生命中有任何一段對你來說很重要的關係，請舉手。

過去簡單式

Okay, I assumed, but always good to check our assumptions.

好的，我猜是這樣，但檢查一下我們的假設總是好的。

I'm saying this because while I'll be focusing today on a parent child relationship, please know that everything I'm talking about is applicable to any meaningful relationship.

我會這樣說是因為，雖然我今天會專注在親子關係上，但請知道我所說的一切都適用於任何重要的關係。

帶著這個想法，我們就開始吧。

I'm in my kitchen, I just finished cooking dinner for my family and I am on edge.

我在廚房，剛煮完晚餐給家人，我情緒很緊繃。

I mean, I'm exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well, I'm anxious about the upcoming work week.

我的意思是，我筋疲力盡，睡得不好，對即將到來的工作週感到焦慮。

I'm overwhelmed by all the items on my unfinished to do list.

我對我未完成待辦事項清單上的所有項目感到不知所措。

And then my son walks into the kitchen, he looks at the table and whines, chicken again.

這時候我兒子走進廚房，他看了看餐桌，抱怨說：「又是雞肉。」

I look at him and I yell, what is wrong with you?

我看了他一眼，大吼：「你到底怎麼了？」

Can you be grateful for one thing in your life?

你人生中就不能對一件事心存感激嗎？

He runs out of the room and he slams his bedroom door.

他衝出房間，用力關上他的房門。

And now my self loathing session begins as I say to myself, what is wrong with me?

然後現在我的自責時光開始了，我對自己說：「我到底怎麼了？」

Well, if you're a parent, you've probably felt that pain.

嗯，如果你是家長，你大概也感受過那種痛。

For me, it comes with an extra layer of shame.

對我來說，這還額外多了一層羞恥感。

I mean, I'm a clinical psychologist and my specialty is helping people become better parents.

說真的，我是一位臨床心理學家，我的專長是幫助大家成為更好的家長。

There is no such thing, such thing as a perfect parent.

Mistakes and struggles, they come with the job.

犯錯和掙扎，都是這份工作的一部分。

但沒有人告訴我們接下來該怎麼做。

Kind of just pretend the whole thing never happened?

Or if I say something, what are the words?

或者如果我說了什麼，該說什麼話呢？

Well, for years as a clinical psychologist in private practice, I saw client after client struggle with this question.

其實，身為一位在私人執業的臨床心理學家多年，我看到許多客戶都在為這個問題掙扎。

And now, as the creator of the parenting content and community platform, good Inside, I see millions of parents around the globe struggle with this issue.

而現在，作為親職內容與社群平臺 good Inside 的創作者，我看到全球數百萬的父母也為這個問題所苦。

After all, there's almost nothing within our interpersonal relationships that can have as much impact as as repair.

畢竟，在我們的人際關係中，幾乎沒有什麼能像修復一樣有這麼大的影響。

Whenever a parent asks me what one parenting strategy should I focus on, I always say the same thing.

每當有家長問我，我應該專注於哪一個親職策略時，我總是說一樣的話。

Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another.

修復，就是回到一個分離的時刻，為自己的行為負責，並承認它對他人的影響。

And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology because when apology often looks to shut a conversation down.

而且我想區分一下修復和道歉，因為道歉往往是為了終止對話。

「嘿，對不起，我剛剛對你大吼大叫。」

A good repair opens one up and if you think about what it means to get good at repair, there's so much baked in.

一次好的修復會讓人敞開心扉，如果你仔細想想，要擅長修復，裡面就蘊含了許多東西。

So to repair, you have to mess up or fall short of someone else's expectations.

所以要修復，你必須搞砸，或者未能達到別人的期望。

Which means the next time I snap at my kid or my husband or my work colleague, instead of berating myself like I did that night in the kitchen, I try to remind myself I'm focusing on getting good at repair.

這意味著下次我對我的孩子、我的丈夫或我的同事發脾氣時，我會提醒自己，我正在專注於讓自己擅長修復，而不是像那天晚上在廚房那樣自責。

Well, what will happen if I don't repair?

那麼，如果我不去修復，會發生什麼事？

That's really important to understand and helps us make a decision about what to do next.

這點很重要，瞭解了這點能幫助我們決定下一步該怎麼做。

in a state of distress because, let's face it, his mom just became scary mom.

而且處於痛苦之中，因為，說實話，他的媽媽剛剛變成了可怕的媽媽。

And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.

現在他必須想辦法重新找回安全感。

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal.

如果我不透過修復來幫助他，他就只能依靠他僅有的幾種應對機制之一。

Ronald Fairburn may have said it best when he wrote that for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled.

Ronald Fairburn 可能說得最好，他寫道，對孩子來說，與其活在一個由神統治的世界裡，不如活在一個由神統治的世界裡當個罪人。

In other words, it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault, because at least then they can hold on to the idea that their parents and the world around them is safe and good.

換句話說，孩子將壞事和過錯內化，其實是一種適應，因為至少這樣他們還能保有父母和周遭世界是安全且美好的想法。

And while self blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood.

雖然自責在童年時期對我們有用，但我們都知道在成年後它反而會對我們不利。

These are the core fears of so many adults.

這些是許多成年人的核心恐懼。

They are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired.

這些其實是我們在經歷了令人痛苦卻未被修復的事件後獨自一人時，所寫下的童年故事。

Plus, adults with self blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness, none of which we want for our kids.

而且，有自責傾向的成年人容易罹患憂鬱症、焦慮症、嚴重的無價值感，這些都不是我們希望孩子會有的。

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

When you repair, you go further than removing a child's story of self blame.

當你進行修復時，你所做的比移除孩子自責的故事還要多。

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.

你還可以加入一開始就缺失的所有元素。

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

安全、連結、連貫、愛、美好。

I will not let this chapter of your life end in self blame.

我不會讓這段生命篇章以自責收尾。

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but

是的，這段篇章仍然會有大吼大叫的事件，但是

I can ensure this chapter has a different ending and therefore a different title and theme.

我可以確保這段篇章會有不同的結局，是以會有不同的標題和主題。

We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've remembered that eventually.

我們知道記憶是原始事件加上你之後每次回憶的總和。

這就是為什麼心理治療有幫助，對吧？

When you remember painful experiences from your past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but

當你在一個更安全、更緊密的關係中回憶起過去痛苦的經歷時，事件本身依然存在，但是

your story of the event, it changes and then you change.

你對這個事件的敘述會改變，然後你也會跟著改變。

With repair, we effectively change the past.

透過修復，我們就能有效地改變過去。

所以，讓我們來寫一個更好的故事吧。

聽演講學英文｜父母最常犯的錯！親子衝突後如何真正修復感情？TED演講告訴你，錯過絕對後悔！中英對照 英語學習 | 英文演講 | Learn English with ted talks (聽演講 | 學英文 | 父母都在犯的錯 | 如何在親子衝突後真正修復感情？不看絕對會後悔的TED演講 中英對照 英語学習 | 英文演讲 | Learn English with ted talks)

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overwhelmed

struggle

prioritize

impact