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  • Here's you.

    這是你

  • Here's the college you're going to.

    這是你即將要去的大學

  • and here are the six monsters you'll have for roommates.

    接著這些是,六種你會遇到的怪獸室友

  • Well not literal monsters but, you'll see.

    呃也不是真的怪獸,不過你會懂我意思的

  • Hey!

    嘿!

  • He's a perfect model of efficiency, helpful, friendly even.

    他是做事很有效率的完美模範,熱心助人,還很友善

  • He doesn't really understand your more human imperfections.

    其實他不太了解你身為人類會有的那些小缺陷

  • His programming is rigid, and well-defined.

    他腦中的程式設計嚴謹,而且有良好規範

  • Violate it at your own risk.

    有人違反的話恐怕小命不保

  • Watch! His head will explode any second now.

    看好!他的頭可能隨時都會炸開

  • What do you want me to do? He eats at (a) dirty plate...

    不然我能怎麼辦?他用髒盤子吃東西 ...

  • So that wasn't his head.

    看來要炸開的不會是他的頭

  • There's no firm evidence this roommate exists.

    沒有明確的證據證明這個室友存在

  • Hello?

    哈囉?

  • Does he spend all his time with his girlfriend?

    他是整晚都在陪女友嗎?

  • At home?

    還是在家?

  • Things move around mysteriously while you're not looking.

    你一不注意時,東西就會很詭異地自己移動

  • Is he dead?

    他掛了嗎?

  • If so, do you get a free pass this semester or something?

    如果他真的掛掉了,你可以這學期歐趴之類的嗎?

  • You'd think he might be trying to communicate with you.

    你會猜他是不是想要跟你溝通

  • But you'll never know for sure.

    可是你一直都無法確定

  • Shit.

    該死

  • Looking like an ad for hair gel doesn't automatically make him a monster.

    就算他看起來像個活生生的髮膠廣告也不代表他是個怪物

  • But you've noticed things.

    但你會注意到一些事情

  • He stays up all night.

    他晚上總是不睡覺

  • can't stand the sunlight

    也忍受不了陽光

  • and brings home a different victim every night.

    而且每天晚上都會帶不同的受害者回來

  • Can you please keep it... HEEEE

    可以拜託你們小 ... 嘻嘶嘶嘶

  • Ahhhhhhh

    啊!!!

  • And you're not saying he sucks their blood for sustenance.

    你也不確定他是不是靠吸她們的血為生

  • Hey.

  • Want a grab or not?

    想來一點嗎?

  • Seriously?

    你認真的?

  • But you've never seen him eat anything.

    但你從來沒看過他吃任何東西

  • Weird.

    怪人

  • He must have supernatural powers.

    他一定有什麼超能力才對

  • Otherwise, how the f**ks is he getting laid more than you?

    不然為什麼他跟別人上床的次數還比你多?

  • So you're from...

    所以你是從 …

  • #%^%^@^%

    #%^%^@^%

  • Wherever he's from, he has a poor judge of social norms. Hey!

    不管他是哪裡來的,他對於社交規範的觀念差到不行。嘿!

  • Hey!

    嘿!

  • ^%#^@^%!%@

    ^%#^@^%!%@

  • strange habits

    有著很奇怪的習慣

  • #&^&*@(^##%

    #&^&*@(^##%

  • and this thing.

    還有 … 這東西

  • If it's a bong, you wanna hide it.

    如果這是個菸斗,你會想把它藏起來

  • If it's a dildo, you don't wanna touch it.

    如果這是個情趣玩具,那更別說要碰它了

  • And if it's neither are you...

    那現在要不是你 …

  • Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

    啊!!!

  • Like an ending story about aliens, your friends will never believe you.

    就像是個跟外星人相關的故事結局,你朋友永遠都不會相信你的話

  • Making weird noices "blaaablaaa"

    一直發出奇怪的聲音 「巴啦啦啦啦啦」

  • Where are you going?

    欸你們要去哪?

  • The first thing you notice is the smell.

    你最一開始注意到的是某種味道

  • So, what died in here?

    什麼東西死在這啊?

  • He doesn't seem to notice it.

    他好像沒有察覺到這點

  • Hey, my parents are coming today. And I was kind of hoping we can clean...

    嘿,我爸媽今天會過來,所以我想說我們可以打掃 …

  • He just shambles around, leaving little pieces of himself wherever he goes.

    他就這樣晃來晃去,每到一個角落總是留下自己的痕跡

  • Hey! How was your day?

    嗨!你今天還好嗎?

  • Cool.

    好吧!

  • And not to force the metaphor here,

    不是特別硬要用什麼比喻

  • but he does seem to want your brains.

    可是他好像真的想要把你的腦袋挖掉

  • Jesus!

    我的媽呀!

  • Get your own chem lab, man!

    自己去找個化學實驗室啦!

  • You have to get your own place.

    你一定要弄來屬於自己的一間房間

  • Finally, that holy treasure!

    終於,那神聖的寶藏!

  • A single.

    一間單人房!

  • A bachelor pad

    一間單身漢的公寓

  • made a bachelor kingdom. All to yourself.

    造就了一個單身漢的國度。全部只屬於你!

  • Maybe you'll have a three-way.

    也許你會來個 3P

  • Or a four-way.

    4P 也不錯

  • Or just stay in bed all day eating cake and hot wings.

    或是整天待在床上吞蛋糕啃雞翅

  • What was that?

    什麼東西!?

  • Probably nothing.

    應該沒什麼

  • Just a burglar, demon, Freddy Krueger, Cthulhu...

    不過只是個小偷、惡魔、佛萊迪、克蘇魯神怪 …

  • Shit, shit!

    媽的!媽的!

  • Maybe you'll get the vampire call.

    或許是有吸血鬼要來拜訪你了

Here's you.

這是你

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