字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort. One of 'em says, "The food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know. And such small portions." That's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness. And it's all over much too quickly. The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx. I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club... ...that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind. Cos I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis. I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top. That's about the worst you can say about me. I think I'm gonna get better as I get older. I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type,... ...as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth,... ...who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag,... ...screaming about socialism. Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that. I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind,... ...examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? A year ago we were... in love, you know. And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. I... I, uh... You know... I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II. He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything. - Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker. It's something he read. Something he read, uh? - The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart... ..and that will be the end of everything. What is that your business? He stopped doing his homework. - What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? Uh? Uh? (laughs) My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. But I was brought up under the roller coaster... ..in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little. I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. There he is. And there I am. I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. We had a saying: "Those who can't do, teach,... ..and those who can't teach, teach gym." And those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss Perfect all the time. And Ivan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. Seven and three is nine. Even then, I knew they were just jerks. In 1942 I had already discovered women. Ugh! He kissed me! He kissed me! Ugh! That's the second time this month! Step up here! Step up here! - What did I do? - You should be ashamed of yourself. Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity. Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds. I did. For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period. Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it. Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy. Tell the folks where you are today. I run a profitable dress company. Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company. I sell tallises. I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict. I'm into leather. I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. They did not take me in the army. I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P. In the event of war, I'm a hostage.