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  • He's gonna take you back to the past

  • To play the shitty games that suck ass

  • He'd rather have a buffalo

  • Take a diarrhea dump in his ear

  • He'd rather eat the rotten asshole

  • Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • When you turn on your TV

  • Make sure it's tuned to channel 3

  • He's got a nerdy shirt and a pocket pouch

  • Although I've never seen him write anything down

  • He's got a Power Glove and a filthy mouth

  • Armed with his Zapper he will tear these games down

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • He plays the worst games of all time

  • Horrible abominations of mankind

  • They make him so mad he could spit

  • Or say cowabunga

  • [both] Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dog-shit

  • They rip you off and don't care one bit

  • But this nerd, he doesn't forget it

  • Why can't a turtle swim? Why can't I land the plane?

  • They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck

  • The characters' names are wrong, why's that password so long?

  • Why don't the weapons do anything?

  • He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard

  • The games suck so bad he makes up his own words

  • He's the angriest most pissed-off gaming nerd

  • He's the Angry Atari Amiga CD-i ColecoVision Intellivision Sega

  • Neo Geo TurboGrafx-16 Odyssey 3DO Commodore Nintendo Nerd

  • He's the Angry Video Game Nerd

  • [TV] Hey! You still don't own a Sega CD?

  • Um...

  • What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one?

  • HURR-DURR!

  • You have seen the games, right?

  • Uhhh...

  • Wrong answer, man. Show him.

  • WHOOAAAAAAHHH!

  • [exhales]

  • Wow! It's like, you get to play the games on a CD!

  • Check out the graphics! Full-motion video,

  • opposed to video that isn't full-motion!

  • 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor!

  • Holy shit, this thing is total fucking garbage!

  • How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this?

  • Full-motion video my ass! I'd rather be full fucking screen!

  • So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass.

  • You just pop it in the side of the Genesis

  • like some deformed Siamese twin or something.

  • You ever see Basket Case? Oh, whatever.

  • So you put the fucking game in, and oh, guess what?

  • It runs off of its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two:

  • one for the Genesis, and one for the Sega CD.

  • If it can't run off the same power,

  • why couldn't it just be its own independent system?

  • Instead it's like a fucking parasite or something.

  • Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit!

  • You can go dump your ass in the time it takes.

  • So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.

  • So this is what a typical Sega CD game looks like.

  • This one's called Ground Zero Texas.

  • [Reese] ...consists of four particle beam disruptors with limited...

  • [Nerd] Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game.

  • It's like watching a movie. A bad movie.

  • So every once in a while you get to shoot people behind haystacks.

  • All you do is just drag your crosshairs across the screen

  • and try to kill things.

  • [Reese] Let's see some firepower or I am personally gonna call headquarters

  • and find out what hole they dug you out of!

  • [Nerd] The hole in your ass.

  • Now we got Slam City.

  • [Pippen] You want some of this? You got it.

  • [Nerd] Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.

  • Yo, crush him like a walnut!

  • And sprig him on some salad!

  • [both] And pour some dressing on the boy!

  • [Nerd] What are they saying?

  • Ooh! Ace must have on ankle weights!

  • [laughing] [Nerd] Okay.

  • Now we got Double Switch.

  • [Eddie] Hey. [Nerd] Hey.

  • [Eddie] Hi. [Nerd] Hi.

  • [Eddie] My name is Eddie. [Nerd] Hi Eddie.

  • [Eddie] I need your help. This is my building,

  • and since the neighborhood really sucks... [Nerd] Like this game sucks!

  • So you're just switching different rooms, and just... I don't know...

  • [vocalist screaming]

  • What the fuck am I watching?

  • [screaming] [Nerd] God, shut up!

  • This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD.

  • The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house,

  • and you have to trap these weirdos in black.

  • Why the hell are they wobbling all around?

  • Could they possibly overact any more?

  • And the traps are ridiculous.

  • And everything that's occurring in this house happens in real-time,

  • so you're constantly switching around trying to find these guys.

  • Fuck! Just missed him. See, that's what happens.

  • The only way to get good at this game is to play it over and over and over.

  • That's the only way to know where these guys are gonna be.

  • Yeah, get the tennis racket.

  • Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game.

  • So is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys?

  • Yes.

  • All right, this is what I'm talking about.

  • I sometimes forget I'm playing a game;

  • I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie.

  • You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic.

  • Oh, she's in trouble. Uh-oh.

  • You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun.

  • [Simms] I don't believe what I just saw.

  • [Nerd] I know, this game sucks!

  • Now we got Corpse Killer.

  • Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game,

  • because it keeps freezing.

  • I actually had a lot to say about this one,

  • but right now, it's not fucking working.

  • Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.

  • Time Gal. Okay, this one is really, really weird.

  • All you have to do is hit the control pad

  • in the right direction at the right moment,

  • and if you're not fast enough, you die.

  • Her voice is just annoying.

  • [Reika] You can't catch me! You can't catch me!

  • This one, there's not much to say.

  • It's just shoot, shoot, shoot, reload, and shoot some more.

  • There's some minor things that annoy me.

  • Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world.

  • And there's a lot of National Rubber Stamp Companies.

  • How do they fit so many people in the car?

  • Then there's this big-ass van, but now this time,

  • there's only one guy in there. There's not even a driver.

  • Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention.

  • First, it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes,

  • then an arrow appears, and you're like,

  • oh my God, I get to do something?

  • So you just point and click at things.

  • [Willy] Man, I'm so bored I can't stand it!

  • [Nerd] I know I'm fucking bored.

  • The teacher talks to you; you come up with answers.

  • Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."

  • The frog's name is "Horny"?

  • Road Avenger. All right, well, same concept as Time Gal.

  • An icon appears on the screen telling you what to do,

  • and you have to act immediately by pushing right, left, turbo, or brake.

  • If you're half a second late, you're dead.

  • Well, this one can't be bad, right?

  • Remember the Genesis game,

  • running around trying to get away from dinosaurs?

  • Well, this is nothing like that.

  • It's just one of those point-and-click games.

  • I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I get so bored with it

  • I shut it off before I even get to a single dinosaur.

  • I want some dinosaurs, damn it!

  • Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull.

  • I wait like eight minutes for the fight to start up, then what happens?

  • I just get clobbered.

  • I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons.

  • But all I do is just swat past the guy. How do I hit him?

  • Do I really care anyway? Nope.

  • Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces!

  • Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest.

  • It reminds me of R-Type or Life Force, and that's pretty cool,

  • so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

  • The Terminator.