perspective on being single. The  more we are happy to be on our own,  

對單身的看法。我們越是樂於獨處。

the more we will be able to exercise the  correct degree of caution around finding  

我們就越能在發現問題時保持正確的謹慎態度。

a new companion. The bedrock of  true love is happy singledom.

一個新的伴侶。真愛的基石是快樂的單身生活。

Unfortunately, our societies do very little to  help us to be calm or at ease in our own company.  

不幸的是，我們的社會很少幫助我們在自己的公司裡保持平靜或自在。

Singledom is framed as an involuntary, depressing  and always hopefully temporary state. The notion  

單身被認為是一種非自願的、令人沮喪的、總是希望是暫時的狀態。這個概念

that someone might want or need to be on their  own, perhaps for a long while, terrifies a world  

有人可能希望或需要獨自生活，也許是很長一段時間，這讓這個世界感到恐懼。

shaped by legions of silently miserable couples  who need confirmation that they have not chosen  

眾多默默無聞的悲慘夫婦塑造了這一形象，他們需要確認他們並沒有選擇

the wrong path. To enforce the idea of what single  people are missing, advertisers can never have  

錯誤的道路。為了執行單身人士所缺少的想法，廣告商永遠不可能有

enough of showing off tantalising images of happy  couples walking hand in hand on beaches - and most  

幸福的情侶們在海灘上手牽手散步的誘人畫面已經展示得夠多了--而最

entertainment venues, holiday destinations and  social occasions feel compelled to patronise,  

娛樂場所、度假勝地和社交場合感到不得不去光顧。

overcharge and otherwise demean anyone who has  had the impudence to venture out on their own.

多收費，並以其他方式貶低任何厚顏無恥地自行冒險的人。

Unfortunately, being miserable while single  fatally undermines our judgement about who  

不幸的是，單身時的悲慘遭遇致命地破壞了我們對誰的判斷力。

we might get together with. When someone is  starving, they will eat anything (Dostoevsky  

我們可能會聚在一起。當一個人捱餓時，他們會吃任何東西（陀思妥耶夫斯基

wrote a harrowing short story about a famished  child who eats a candle made of pig fat); and  

寫了一個令人痛心的短篇小說，講述了一個飢腸轆轆的孩子吃著豬油做的蠟燭的故事）；以及

we’re equally liable, in emotional desperation,  to run into the nearest nightclub to secure a  

我們同樣有可能在情緒絕望的情況下，跑到最近的夜總會，以確保一個

chump we’ll be appalled to find beside us at  day break. We eventually learn: being in an  

當我們在天亮時發現身邊有一個矮子時，我們會感到震驚。我們最終了解到：在一個

unsatisfactory relationship is clearly worse,  that is, even more lonely, than being alone.

不滿意的關係顯然比孤獨更糟糕，也就是說，甚至更寂寞。

The central challenge of being alone is  coping with the fear of what singlehood means:  

孤獨的核心挑戰是應對對單身意味著什麼的恐懼。

being alone is bearable in relation to how  ‘normal’ (that highly nebulous yet highly  

孤獨是可以忍受的，因為 "正常"（這個詞非常模糊，但卻非常重要）是可以忍受的。

influential concept) the condition  feels to us at any given point;  

有影響力的概念）的狀況在任何時候對我們的感覺。

it can either be a break from an honourably busy  life, or sure evidence that we are an unwanted,  

它既可以是一種從光榮的忙碌生活中的休息，也可以是我們是一個不受歡迎的人的肯定證據。

wretched, disgusting and  emotionally diseased being.

卑鄙的、噁心的、情感上有病的人。

This is tricky but ultimately very hopeful,  for it suggests that if only we could work  

這很棘手，但最終是非常有希望的，因為它表明，只要我們能夠努力

on what being alone means to us, we could  theoretically endure long periods alone.

孤獨對我們意味著什麼，理論上我們可以忍受長時間的孤獨。

To build ourselves a new mental model  of what being alone should truly mean,  

為我們自己建立一個新的心理模式，讓我們知道孤獨應該真正意味著什麼。

we might rehearse a few of the following  arguments. Despite what an unfriendly  

我們不妨重溫一下以下幾個論點。儘管有這樣一個不友好的

voice inside our heads might tell us, we are the  ones who can chose whether or not to be alone.  

我們腦子裡的聲音可能會告訴我們，我們是可以選擇是否孤獨的人。

Our solitude is willed rather than imposed.  No one ever needs to be alone so long as  

我們的孤獨是自願的，而不是強加的。 沒有人需要孤獨，只要

they don’t mind who they are with. But we do  mind: the wrong kind of company is a great  

他們並不介意和誰在一起。但我們確實介意：錯誤的公司是一個偉大的

deal lonelier for us than being by ourselves,  that is, it’s further from what matters to us,  

對我們來說，交易比自己一個人更孤獨，也就是說，它離對我們重要的東西更遠。

more grating in its insincerity and more of a  reminder of disconnection and misunderstanding  

更加令人厭惡的是它的不真誠，更多的是在提醒人們不聯繫和誤解。

than is the conversation we can have in  the quiet of our own minds. Being alone  

比起我們在自己心靈的寧靜中可以進行的對話。獨自一人

is not proof that we have been rejected by  the world; it’s a sign that we’ve taken a  

並不證明我們已經被世界所拒絕；它是一個標誌，表明我們已經採取了

good look at the available options and have -  with wisdom - done some rejecting ourselves.

仔細看看現有的選擇，並以智慧做了一些拒絕自己的工作。

Another big thought is that we need to  appreciate how long it will take to find  

另一個大的想法是，我們需要體會到要花多長時間才能找到

someone, given how choosy we are (for very  good reasons). We aren’t just looking for  

有人，鑑於我們是多麼挑剔（有非常好的理由）。我們不只是在尋找

anyone. The right candidate will be no  less easy to find than a great job or a  

任何人。合適的候選人不會比一份好的工作或一個人更不容易找到。

beautiful house. It might take many months,  probably years. Expectations matter. If we  

美麗的房子。這可能需要很多個月，可能需要很多年。期待很重要。如果我們

regard a decade as a plausible time  frame, then six months will skip by.

將十年作為一個合理的時間框架，那麼六個月就會跳過。

Theres is no better guarantee of a successful  relationship than knowing that we could, and can,  

沒有什麼比知道我們可以，而且可以更好地保證成功的關係了。

manage perfectly well on our own. It means  that we will only look for someone who can  

我們自己完全可以管理好。這意味著，我們只會尋找一個能夠

deeply contribute to our life, not someone who  can do the laundry with us or keep us company  

對我們的生活有深刻貢獻的人，而不是可以和我們一起洗衣服或陪伴我們的人。

on Sunday evenings. This gives us the strength to  back out of unsatisfactory unions as quickly as we  

在週日晚上。這給了我們力量，使我們能夠儘快地退出不滿意的聯盟。

should. Being in a couple can’t and shouldn’t  mean that we are utterly reliant on the other  

應該。成為夫妻不能也不應該意味著我們完全依賴對方。

for our self-esteem, our daily self-management  or for the meeting of our domestic needs. When  

對於我們的自尊，我們的日常自我管理或滿足我們的家庭需要。當

we have under our belt a significant experience of  thriving on our own, we will be able to cope with  

我們已經有了獨立發展的重要經驗，我們將能夠應對以下問題

the inevitable points at which even a very nice  partner can’t sustain us; we’ll be less demanding;  

即使是非常好的夥伴也無法維持我們的生活，這一點是不可避免的；我們會減少要求。

more competent and more forensic in what  we seek from a lover. It turns out that our  

在我們從情人那裡尋求的東西中，我們更有能力，更有鑑別力。事實證明，我們的

willingness to stay on our own is what centrally  predicts how likely we’ll be to find and bring  

願意留在我們自己的地方是集中預測我們有多大可能找到並帶來

to fruition a relationship with someone else.  Being at ease with being single is the needed,  

與他人建立關係的結果。 需要的是對單身感到安心。

secure platform from which to make a sane and  wise choice about who to create a joint life with.

安全的平臺，從中做出理智和明智的選擇，與誰一起創造共同的生活。