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  • As a clinical psychologist

    身為一個臨床心理醫師

  • it is my privilege to help people explore their inner worlds,

    我有這個榮幸,來幫人們探索個人的內在世界

  • their psychological terrain.

    他們的心靈國度

  • Hour after hour, I hear thoughts, emotions, feelings.

    無數個小時,我聽著人們的想法、情緒、感覺

  • This is my data.

    這是我的資料庫

  • This data helps me to better understand

    這些資訊幫助我深入了解

  • what is it that emotionally paralyzes us.

    到底是什麼,使我們因為情緒而癱瘓

  • How is it that we may thrive at this thing called life?

    該如何將人生這樁大事,營造地豐沛多彩

  • In voices that are awashed with need and ablazed with yearning,

    在這些充溢著渴望、燃燒著期盼的聲音裡

  • my clients invite me into their history.

    我的相談者邀請我 深入他們的個人歷程

  • They tell me stories of love, loss, hidden fears and deepest desires.

    訴說著他們的愛、失落 隱藏的恐懼和最深的渴望

  • And let me tell you, inevitably these stories turn to childhood.

    可以告訴大家 這些故事都難免指向童年經歷

  • They speak of a common theme, a similar rhythm.

    他們會以類似的語調,談論常見的主題

  • They speak of a hunger that only a parent can appease,

    他們會提到一些 只有父母才能安撫的盼望

  • of a thirst that only a parent can quench.

    只有父母才能澆熄的渴求

  • The other day,

    有一天

  • this tall strapping man in his mid forty's,

    來了一個40多歲,魁梧高大的男性

  • he came to explore

    他想尋找一個解答:

  • his particularly difficult relationship with his father.

    該如何面對,他和父親之間關係的困境

  • Yes, we grapple with problems of our childhood long into adulthood.

    沒錯,我們從小到大都在和問題搏鬥

  • And he said to me, in a voice that turned plaintive,

    他開口對我說,聲音變得有些哀淒

  • that of an eight-year-old,

    聽起來就像個八歲小孩

  • he said, "Will I ever meet my father's expectations?

    他說:「我到底能不能達成我父親的期待? 」

  • Will he ever accept the man I've become today?

    「他會不會肯定我現在的成就? 」

  • Or will I always be a no-good loser?"

    「 還是我在他眼中,永遠都是輸家? 」

  • He was seeking, searching, yearning for an approval

    他尋找、探求、盼望一個

  • that may never come.

    他可能永遠得不到的肯定

  • And what about the woman in her thirty’s,

    又有一位30多歲的女性

  • so beautiful, talented, successful,

    非常美麗、聰明,非常成功

  • she screamed, "What is wrong with me?

    她叫著:「我到底是怎麼了?」

  • Why am I this messed up?

    「我生活為何一團糟? 」

  • You tell me it's because my father overdose when I was 4,

    「你說這是因為,我四歲時父親用藥過度」

  • but when will this pain fade?"

    「但這個痛苦什麼時候才會減輕? 」

  • And the woman who picks on her skin constantly,

    還有一個女性,經常挑抓自己的皮膚

  • a lifetime habit, you see.

    已經變成長年的習慣了

  • She said, "These," pointing to the rageful scars on her body,

    她指著身上憤怒的傷疤,對我說:

  • "These began the day after my mom said

    「這些是起因於我媽跟我說」

  • I was the reason daddy left us."

    「我爸是因為我,才離開我們的」

  • "Help me!", each one of them silently shouts at me,

    他們都無聲地呼喊著:「幫幫我 !」

  • "Who am I?

    「我是誰?」

  • Am I my whole, am I worthy, do I matter?"

    「我完整嗎? 我有價值嗎? 我重要嗎?」

  • Life's essential questions.

    這些都是人生的基本問題

  • But no matter what I say to them,

    但無論我說什麼

  • my words do not seep in.

    他們都聽不進去

  • Because they've internalized another voice, you see,

    因為他們已經內化了另一種聲音

  • that of their parents, an early voice.

    就是早期的時候,他們父母說的話

  • Now try erasing that first blueprint.

    現在,我們想要抹去這個第一印記

  • It runs wild, rampant, chaotic, unpredictable.

    它卻變的狂野、猖獗、混亂、不可預測

  • It comes to be the way we define ourselves.

    這些變成我們定義自己的方式

  • It becomes the air we breathe.

    就像我們呼吸的空氣

  • Parents, few hold a greater power or more immense responsibility.

    很少有比父母親職 更任重道遠的人生角色

  • And this is why I'm here today,

    這就是為什麼,我今天要在這裡提議

  • to propose that we occupy the role of parenthood

    面對我們所擔負的親職

  • in an entirely different way, with a renewed curiosity,

    用全然不同的方式、嶄新的好奇心

  • a heightened awareness, a transformed commitment.

    用更全觀的意識、轉變昇華的力量來投入

  • Because nothing like parenthood

    因為親職是無可取代的

  • that needs to be at the forefront of our global consciousness.

    它必須站在全球共同意識的第一線

  • It's the call, the linchpin

    這是神聖的召喚,是事情的關鍵

  • that affects how our children will thrive.

    這影響到,我們的孩子怎麼營造生命

  • Everything: how they take care of themselves, each other,

    這影響廣泛: 他們怎麼自立、互助

  • the earth, show compassion,

    怎麼關愛地球環境、展現同情心

  • tolerate differences, handle their emotions,

    怎麼容忍差異,控制情緒

  • create, invent, innovate.

    怎麼創造、發明、創新

  • This is where global transformation begins.

    這才是世界改變的開端

  • We cannot expect our children to embody an enlightened consciousness

    我們不能期待孩子們形成開明的意識

  • if we parents haven't dared to model this ourselves.

    除非家長先勇敢改變自己

  • It all starts with us

    一切都要從我們開始

  • and how we parent.

    從我們如何教養孩子開始

  • Our children are facing challenges today that we couldn't have dreamed of.

    孩子們今天面臨我們無法想像的挑戰

  • And evidence suggests that they are buckling under the pressure.

    很多證據都說明 他們已經被壓得喘不過氣來了

  • One in five children in America

    五分之一的美國孩子

  • shows sign or symptoms of a psychological disorder.

    有心理問題的徵候或症狀

  • Now that is a hair-raising statistic.

    這個統計簡直令人毛骨悚然

  • Two years ago, there were over 662,000 children in America

    兩年前,全美有超過66萬2千名兒童

  • that were in foster care.

    受寄養機構照顧

  • The use of ADHD drugs is on an exponential high.

    過動症藥物的使用率,以等比級數創新高

  • 270% global increase.

    全球成長率高達274%

  • UNICEF did a study a few years ago

    聯合國兒童基金會 數年前進行的一項研究

  • and found that American children

    顯示美國兒童

  • ranked the second unhappiest.

    居全球兒童不快樂排行榜的第二名

  • There was a study done in the UK of 30,000 children,

    英國針對三萬名兒童做的另一項研究

  • and it was reported that one in ten, over the age of 8,

    顯示超過八歲的兒童,有十分之一

  • reported being unhappy on a consistent basis.

    長期處在不快樂的情緒當中

  • Something is amiss.

    事情真的不太對勁

  • We need to sit up, pay attention and raise our children differently.

    我們必須起而正視問題 改變我們教養的方式

  • Now, of course, parental influence isn't the only factor at play.

    父母當然不是影響孩子的唯一因素

  • There are confusing and colliding

    孩子的人生中,還會受到很多

  • and chaotic influences in our children's life

    令人困惑、相衝突、混亂的影響

  • that shaped them indeterminately.

    多少會影響他們的人格

  • We aren't the only ones, of course.

    我們當然不是唯一的因素

  • There's neurobiology, there's temperament,

    還有神經生物學上的因素、個人特質

  • there's social pressures, there's poverty.

    社會壓力因素、貧窮

  • We could blame psychiatry, education,

    我們可以批評精神病理學、抨擊教育

  • big farmer and the government,

    指責大農產品商和政府

  • and chances are we may be right,

    我們這些責難可能也沒錯

  • but our influence in these spheres is relatively limited.

    但在這些領域 我們能著力的地方相對有限

  • But let me tell you where we hold indubitable power.

    但是各位,我們確實能夠著力的地方

  • That is in the relationship we nurture with our children.

    就是我們教養子女時的親子關係

  • Our children and us, moment after moment after moment.

    孩子和我們 共同度過許多小小的人生片刻

  • Nothing glamorous here.

    都是平凡的時刻

  • Early in the morning, as they brush their teeth,

    早上他們刷牙的時候

  • as we take off their backpack,

    我們幫孩子拿下背包的時候

  • as we soothe away their tears,

    安撫他們淚水的時刻

  • brush away their fears,

    驅除他們的恐懼

  • put them to sleep at night.

    晚上送他們上床睡覺

  • This is where each one of us holds transformative power.

    這是我們每個人 掌握轉變力量的重大時刻

  • There is no excuse.

    我們責無旁貸

  • Now this isn't just some clinical psychologist here

    我不是以臨床心理師身分

  • speaking of her convictions.

    大談醫療理念

  • There's real science behind this

    真實的科學研究佐證

  • to show how the parental relationship

    顯示親職關係

  • impacts not only our emotionality and our psychology,

    不但影響情緒、心理

  • but also our neurobiology.

    也實際影響神經生理

  • Here, take a look at this,

    請各位看看

  • two brains of 3-year-old's.

    兩個三歲兒童的腦部

  • A great difference in size.

    尺寸差異非常大

  • You may wonder why?

    你可能會好奇

  • An illness perhaps? A genetic mutation?

    是疾病造成的嗎,還是基因變異?

  • No.

    都不是

  • They differ in the quality of the relationship

    差異是他們和母親

  • they shared with their mother.

    相處關係的品質

  • The one on the left suffered abuse and neglect,

    我左手邊比較小的,遭受虐待和忽視

  • and the one on the right

    我右手邊,比較大的

  • enjoyed the thriving connected relationship.

    則享受健康活力的連結關係

  • Chances are, the one on the left will grow into an adult

    通常,我左手邊的孩子成人後

  • at greater risk for drugs, crime, a lower IQ,

    會承受較大藥物濫用、犯罪 和低智商的風險

  • and most tragically,

    最可悲的是

  • a diminished capacity for empathy and relatedness.

    還降低了同理心 以及與人建立關係的能力

  • Now, the mother of the child on the left certainly wasn't evil.

    我左手邊這位孩子的母親,當然並非壞人

  • She was probably a mother who loved her child.

    她可能也是個很愛孩子的母親

  • You know, we don't hurt our children because we are evil or ill-intentioned,

    我們傷害孩子,並不是出於故意或是惡意

  • certainly not out of a lack of love.

    也不是不愛孩子

  • We hurt our children for one reason only:

    我們傷害孩子,只出於一個原因

  • it's because we are hurting ourselves

    就是: 我們也正傷害著自己

  • and we barely know it.

    卻幾乎沒有察覺

  • It's because we are unconscious,

    因為我們沒有意識到

  • because we have an inherited legacies of emotional baggage

    我們繼承了上一輩的情緒包袱

  • from our own parents.

    來自我們父母的情緒印記

  • We're sitting on emotional baggage that lies dormant unconscious,

    我們無意識地 沉睡在蟄伏的情緒包袱上

  • waiting to be triggered at a moment's notice.

    等待在某一刻被喚醒

  • And who better to trigger us than our children?

    沒人比孩子們更能喚醒我們

  • They just know the buttons to push.

    他們就是知道該如何喚醒我們

  • Through our children we get theatre seats,

    透過孩子,我們得以進入情緒的音樂劇場

  • orchestra seats to the theatrics of our emotional immaturity.

    觀看由我們不成熟的情緒 交織而成的交響樂劇

  • You know when we lose our temper with our children

    當我們對孩子們失控發脾氣

  • and believe that they're devils and monsters,

    覺得他們就像是小惡魔、小怪物

  • chances are it isn't because they're that,

    他們並不是小怪物

  • but because they've triggered an old wound within us.

    只是他們觸動了 我們過去的情緒傷痕

  • They've made us feel feelings that we don't care to feel.

    他們促使我們面對 原本不願面對的感覺

  • They've made us feel powerless and out-of-control, helpless,

    他們促使我們 面對無力感、失控和無助感

  • and in order to regain a sense of supremacy,

    我們為了奪回主導權

  • we lash out at them in reactivity.

    才產生對孩子發脾氣的反應

  • You know when we pick on our children nonstop, we nitpick at them,

    當我們對孩子雞蛋裡挑骨頭

  • "Why aren't you like this? Why don't you do that?

    「你為什麼不喜歡這個? 為什麼不這樣做?」

  • "Why couldn't you be more like her?"

    「你怎麼不多學學人家?」

  • Chances are it's not because they are inadequate,

    其實並不是他們不夠好

  • but because we come from a place of inner lack,

    而是我們自己內在的缺乏感

  • and we ourselves live under the tyranny of a severe inner critic.

    使我們活在暴虐的自我批判裡

  • You know when our children are disrespectful to us

    當我們的孩子不尊重我們

  • and cross our boundaries and we fret and fume,

    試探我們的底線 我們氣得七竅生煙

  • and commiserate with our friends about our evil children?

    然後跟朋友抱怨 孩子調皮搗蛋,都不聽話

  • Chances are it's not because they're wild and chaotic,

    其實並不是他們調皮搗蛋

  • but because we ourselves

    而是我們自己

  • have a problem with our leadership, with consistency,

    沒有做好榜樣、言行不一

  • with order, with handling conflict, with saying no.

    胡亂要求、不會處理衝突、不懂拒絕

  • You know, our children come to us whole, complete and worthy.

    孩子們生而完好、自有天賦的價值

  • They're happy with two sticks, a stone and a feather.

    很簡單的事物就能讓他們快樂

  • But because we've been conditioned so deeply in an unconscious manner,

    但是我們在無意識中、根深蒂固地被剝奪了

  • so severed from our own sense of presence, wholeness, attunement,

    我們自身的存在感、完整、和諧感

  • and sense of self and whole and abundance

    也失去了自我意識、自我的豐足感

  • that we project a sense of lack onto them, and we teach them,

    才把缺憾投射到孩子身上,還教他們:

  • "Do not depend on your sense of self for worth and value, but look outward.

    「不要相信你的自我價值,要往外看」

  • Look to the Ferrari, the corporate corner office,

    「看法拉利,看景觀大辦公室」

  • to the casino, to the pill, to the bottle, to the needle,

    「看賭城暴富、看嗑藥、酗酒」

  • to spouse number one, two and three,

    「看別人結婚、離婚又結婚」

  • to where you live, to where you graduated from.

    「用你住在哪裡、你哪裡畢業來評斷自己」

  • Because we are severed from a sense of being,

    因為我們失去了自我存在感

  • we are consumed by doing.

    才會這樣汲汲營營

  • This is how we know self value.

    這變成我們認知自我價值的方式

  • We teach our children,

    我們教孩子

  • "You can't simply play, you must achieve."

    「你不能光顧著玩,你必有成就」

  • "You can't have a hobby, you must excel at it."

    「你不能只是有興趣,你必精通才藝」

  • "You cannot dream, you must dream big

    「你不能只是有夢想,你必須胸懷大志」

  • and why really dream if you can't succeed?"

    「既然做不到,你就別做夢了」

  • It's time for us to change the spotlight,

    翻轉焦點的時候到了

  • to turn it inward,

    省察我們的內心

  • and change it from being the child who needs to be fixed,

    不再視孩子為問題

  • the child as the one with the problem,

    而是看見孩子面臨的問題

  • and parental evolution as the solution.

    而父母自身的轉變進化 才是解決的答案

  • The extent to which we as parents know ourselves,

    身為父母,我們越了解自己

  • is the extent to which our children will.

    孩子也會越了解自己

  • The extent to which we as parents can love deeply, laugh loudly,

    身為父母,我們愛得越深、笑得越開懷

  • risk bravely and lose freely,

    越勇於冒險、心胸越自由開明

  • is the extent to which our children will know joy and freedom.

    孩子也越能享受快樂和自由

  • The extent to which we can run out into the rain

    我們越能往外奔向大雨

  • without fear of getting wet,

    擁有不怕淋溼的精神

  • is the extent to which our children will lead lives of courage.

    孩子們越能創造,充滿勇氣的人生

  • The time to awaken is now.

    現在是覺醒的時候了

  • The parenting paradigm needs to shift.

    教養的典範必須轉變

  • No more the parent as the greater than,

    父母不能再占據強勢的一方

  • but now we need to look at our children as equal

    必須要視孩子為平等的個體

  • if not greater transforming agents.

    甚至要了解,他們是有力的轉變契機

  • Our children are our awakeners, they are our teachers.

    孩子,是我們的啟蒙者和導師

  • It is time for us parents to answer the call,

    是我們身為父母的人 回應內在呼喚的時候了

  • to pause, to reflect more,

    停下來、思考更多

  • to connect to our own abundance,

    與自身的豐足,再度融合

  • to trust our children,

    信任我們的孩子

  • to understand their brilliance,

    了解他們奇妙精彩的特質

  • to follow their lead,

    跟隨他們提示的方向

  • to self-love, to create purpose,

    更愛自己、創造生命的意義

  • to enter worth, to be in gratitude.

    再度發現自我價值,充滿感恩

  • For this is how our children will absorb

    這一切,讓孩子能夠汲取

  • wholeness and abundance, fullness and spirit.

    完滿與豐足的印記,展現自我生命的精神

  • And from this place, they can fly free.

    在這片沃土上,孩子將自由展翅高飛

  • It is time for us parents to answer our call to our own awakening.

    是為人父母的我們 回應內心覺醒的時候了

  • The moment is now and our children await.

    現在正是時候 我們的孩子正盼望著

  • (Applause)

    (掌聲)

As a clinical psychologist

身為一個臨床心理醫師

字幕與單字

影片操作 你可以在這邊進行「影片」的調整,以及「字幕」的顯示

B1 中級 中文 美國腔 孩子 父母 兒童 意識 轉變 人生

TEDx】有意識的育兒。Shefali Tsabary在TEDxSF(70億井)。 (【TEDx】Conscious Parenting: Shefali Tsabary at TEDxSF (7 Billion Well))

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    Ashley Chen 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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