Well, you have a rejected,

好吧，你有一個拒絕。

I wanna talk about rejected jokes from it.

我想談談其中被拒絕的笑話。

So that's your--

所以這是你的...

By the way, I do have,

順便說一句，我確實有。

you asked an incredible question, Rob.

你問了一個不可思議的問題，Rob。

Wait one second. Thank you.

請稍等片刻。謝謝你。

I'm gonna get something.

我去拿點東西。

Can you stall for seven seconds?

你能拖住七秒嗎？

Yeah, absolutely. Okay.

是的，當然。好的。

We can cut this whole thing out, watch this

我們可以把這整個事情剪掉，看這個

and we've cut out and we're about to come back

我們已經離開了，我們即將回來。

and we are back.

而我們又回來了。

Nope, nope, we're not gonna, we're gonna be back.

不，不，我們不會的，我們會回來的。

By the way, have I had too much coffee today.

順便說一下，我今天是不是喝了太多的咖啡。

I think I'm very lit up

我覺得我很亮眼

like a fucking merman. I couldn't hear

像一條該死的人魚。我聽不到

what you were saying, but I'm sure it was amazing.

我不知道你在說什麼，但我肯定它是驚人的。

Don't worry it wasn't good.

別擔心，這不是好事。

(Ben laughing)

(Ben笑)

All right, so I have something

好的，所以我有東西

that I haven't taken down from the,

我還沒有從......中拿下來。

I have like a ledge with like all fun like

我有一個窗臺，裡面有很多有趣的東西。

props and books and stuff like that,

道具和書籍之類的東西。

but so I wrote for Letterman.

但是以我為萊特曼寫了文章。

Oh, look at that, that's a big, that's the biggest binder

哦，看那，那是一個大的，那是最大的夾子。

I've ever seen. So this is

我所見過的。所以這就是

every page of this is 10 to 15 jokes.

每一頁都有10到15個笑話。

Now wait, are those jokes that all made it on the air

現在，等等，這些笑話都是在直播中出現的嗎？

or just everything you wrote? I'll say,

還是隻是你所寫的一切？我說。

out of all of these and I have 'em by,

在所有這些中，我有'他們'。

so I'll say the first third are Letterman,

所以我說前三分之一是萊特曼。

then the next are Saturday Night Live,

然後接下來是《週六夜生活》。

but this is I wasn't a staff writer

但這是我不是一個工作人員的作家

'cause I couldn't get the staff writer job,

因為我沒能得到職員作家的工作。

so I was freelance, so I would have to write the jokes

所以我是自由職業者，所以我必須寫笑話。

Yes. by like 6:30 AM,

是的。到了早上6:30左右。

print them out, put them in a fax machine,

打印出來，放進傳真機。

fax them to Letterman or SNL

把它們傳真給萊特曼或SNL

and then you only get paid if they get on the air

然後你只有在他們上了電視後才能得到報酬。

and you would get paid,

而且你會得到報酬。

for me it was $75 a joke for Letterman

對我來說，這是75美元的萊特曼的一個笑話

and $100 a joke for Weekend Update.

和100美元的《週末更新》笑話。

So that's it.

是以，就是這樣。

And basically what would happen is

基本上會發生的情況是

I got 21 jokes on Letterman

我在萊特曼節目中得到了21個笑話

and only two jokes on Weekend Update.

而在《週末新聞》上只有兩個笑話。

But the ones on Letterman

但在萊特曼節目中，那些

I was working as a page at the time.

當時我正在做版面工作。

So I'm inside, so every time he went on stage

所以我在裡面，所以每次他上臺的時候

I would have no idea if he's gonna use a joke or not

我不知道他是否會使用一個笑話。

and I was a page watching

而我是一個觀察頁

and when he was done,

而當他完成後。

he would go like this ladies and gentlemen

女士們，先生們，他將這樣說

Paul Schaffer and the CBS Orchestra

保羅-沙弗和CBS樂團

and then, you know, the monologue was over.

然後，你知道，獨角戲就結束了。

There's literally an episode where you can hear me

從字面上看，有一集你可以聽到我的聲音

in the background and say, fuck,

在背景中，說，他媽的。

'cause he didn't use any of my jokes

因為他沒有使用我的任何笑話

for like the 20th straight day.

這已經是連續第20天了。

And I got yelled at by my boss

我還被我的老闆罵了一頓

being like, you can't, you cannot do that, you cannot yell.

被喜歡，你不能，你不能這樣做，你不能大叫。

And I was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

我當時想，我很抱歉，我很抱歉。

But yeah so I have, and I never thought to keep them,

但是，是的，所以我有，而且我從未想過要保留它們。

but my dad after I faxed 'em, I would fax 'em to my dad

但我的父親在我傳真了他們之後，我會把他們傳真給我父親。

'cause I was like, nobody's seeing these jokes.

因為我當時想，沒有人看到這些笑話。

So the first one started June, 2004

是以，第一次是在2004年6月開始的

and then the last joke I wrote was November, 2006.

然後我寫的最後一個笑話是2006年11月。

Do you remember your first joke that got used?

你還記得你的第一個被使用的笑話嗎？

I don't, isn't that terrible,

我不知道，這不是很可怕嗎。

but you give me a date, give me a month and an date

但你給我一個日期，給我一個月和一個日期

and I'll pick one joke. Yeah.

而我將挑選一個笑話。是的。

But by the way, Just--

但順便說一句，Just --

I'm sure some of these are not past the Pete.

我相信其中有些是沒有經過皮特的。

No, no. Like, yeah.

不，不。就像，是的。

I understand, there's no reason to,

我理解，沒有理由這樣做。

lower our expectations.

降低我們的期望。

Our expectations are really low.

我們的期望值真的很低。

Give me, pick a random joke.

給我，隨便挑一個笑話。

This is amazing that you have--

這是驚人的，你有 --

Pick any month.

選擇任何月份。

So pick any month and a year.

是以，選擇任何月份和年份。

Gimme March, March.

Gimme March, March.

March. Any year you want,

三月。任何你想要的年份。

but I want March.

但我想要三月。

Okay, here we go, March.

好了，我們開始吧，三月。

That's what I want.

這就是我想要的。

Okay, so this is, remember this is March, 2000.

好的，所以這是，記住這是2000年3月。

Oh my God, what if it's a joke, making fun of you?

哦，我的上帝，如果它是一個笑話，取笑你怎麼辦？

That would be, nothing would make me,

這將是，沒有什麼會讓我。

what were you doing in 2005? Wait a minute,

你在2005年做了什麼？等一下。

you wrote jokes making fun of me?

你寫笑話取笑我？

Oh my God, if you were in anything that was in the news

哦，我的上帝，如果你是在新聞中的任何東西

that I thought a 75 year old man would make fun of

我認為一個75歲的老人會取笑的

because it's Letterman, I would do.

因為是萊特曼，我就會這麼做。

What were you doing in,

你在做什麼。

do you remember what you were doing in that year?

你還記得那一年你在做什麼嗎？

2005?

2005?

I had just left,

我當時剛剛離開。

I had, I probably had had a failed TV show called Dr. Vegas,

我有，我可能有一個失敗的電視節目，叫《維加斯醫生》。

if you didn't write a joke on that then you were not,

如果你沒有就此寫一個笑話，那麼你就不是了。

you were not paying attention.

你沒有注意到。

I was doing The Christmas Blessing

我在做《聖誕祝福》。

my producers are reminding me,

我的製片人在提醒我。

which is a, I'm just gonna say is as cringy as that sounds

這是一個，我只想說這是一個聽起來很蹩腳的問題。

was a follow up to the biggest Christmas movie

是最大的聖誕電影的後續作品

ever made at that time called The Christmas Shoes.

當時有史以來的第一部電影叫《聖誕鞋》。

Christmas Jews?

聖誕節的猶太人？

No, that would've been good.

不，那就好了。

Directed by Garry Marshall.

導演：加里-馬歇爾。

(Ben laughing)

(Ben笑)

Well, here's a real cheesy one, ready?

好吧，這裡有一個真正俗氣的，準備好了嗎？

It is so cold outside that Jose Canseco injected his heater

外面太冷了，何塞-坎塞科注射了他的加熱器

with steroids to stay warm.

用類固醇來保持溫暖。

You get what's happening here.

你明白這裡發生了什麼。

(both laughing)

(兩人都笑了)

Oh man, some of them are really funny.

哦，夥計，其中一些人真的很有趣。

Some are not great.

有些並不偉大。

Come on, you're killing me.

來吧，你會殺了我的。

No one cares what we say,

沒有人在乎我們說什麼。

no one listens to this podcast.

沒有人聽這個播客。

You can say whatever you want.

你可以說任何你想說的話。

Oh here, California governor

哦，這裡，加州州長

Arnold Schwartzenegger won reelection

阿諾德-施瓦辛格贏得連任

giving him his first full term in office

賦予他的第一個完整任期

since 2003 recall victory,

自2003年召回勝利以來。

seems that California believes

看來，加州認為

the longer Schwartzenegger is in power,

施瓦辛格執政的時間越長。

the safer they will be from robot attacks.

他們將更安全地免受機器人攻擊。

(Rob laughing)

(Rob笑著說)

I mean, listen, I'm trying my God damn best here.

我的意思是，聽著，我在這裡盡力而為。

It's so great.

它是如此的偉大。

What if Letterman had used a joke?

如果萊特曼用了一個笑話呢？

If Letterman used a joke, I would smile.

如果萊特曼用了一個笑話，我就會笑。

I would be so excited.

我將會非常興奮。

I would find out by receiving a check,

我將通過收到支票來了解情況。

but what I also found out is back the day

但我也發現，早在那天

that's you know, a story would come out

這就是你知道的，一個故事會出來的

and everybody kind of knows what he's gonna make fun of.

每個人都知道他要取笑的是什麼。

So anybody else writing could write the same joke.

所以其他人寫的時候都可以寫出同樣的笑話。

So I'll get a joke that sounded just like mine,

所以我會得到一個聽起來和我一樣的笑話。

but I wouldn't get paid for it

但我不會是以得到報酬

because someone else had it as well.

因為別人也有這種情況。

So, but that was like,

所以，但那就像。

it was just a matter of trying to sell enough jokes

這只是一個試圖銷售足夠多的笑話的問題

to pay for the landline and the fax machine

支付固定電話和傳真機的費用

and it wasn't like I didn't make money it was just

我並不是沒有賺到錢，只是

and then I remember I was doing it for like six months

然後我記得我做了大概六個月的時間

before I got a joke on and I refused to put it

在我得到一個笑話之前，我拒絕把它放在

in my like resume that I was a joke writer there

在我的履歷中，我是一個笑話作家。

until I got paid for it.

直到我得到報酬。

And then I was like, okay, I'm a freelance writer,

然後我就想，好吧，我是個自由撰稿人。

I've gotten a joke on and stuff like that.

我已經得到了一個笑話，諸如此類的東西。

I just love the notion of you in your page outfit.

我只是喜歡你穿上頁裝的概念。

Letterman tells a joke

萊特曼講了一個笑話

and you just turn to some audience and go, huh I wrote that.

而你只是轉身對一些觀眾說，呵呵，這是我寫的。

(Ben laughing)

(Ben笑)

Literally the person that tells them

從字面上看，就是告訴他們的人

where to go to the bathroom,

去哪裡上廁所。

when they have to get up and they have to go to the bathroom

當他們不得不站起來，不得不去洗手間的時候

like this way, also I wrote that joke.

像這樣，也是我寫的那個笑話。

Get out of here, you psycho.

離開這裡，你這個神經病。

Who are you?

你是誰？