I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

FIRST OF ALL,-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

HAPPY FRIDAY TO EVERYBODY HERE.

IS I HOPE YOU'RE ALL DOING WELL.

( APPLAUSE ) I'M GLAD TO BE FEELING HEALTHY

AFTER MY TUSSLE WITH COVID A COUPLE OF WEEKS BACK.

IT'S GOT A LOCK TAME ON IT.

BUT THE VIRUS IS STILL OUT THERE.

CASE IN POINT: JON BATISTE IS NOT HERE AGAIN TONIGHT BECAUSE

HE'S CAUGHT COVID.

WE WISH HIM ALL THE BEST AND A SPEEDY RECOVERY.

LOVE JON, RIGHT?

THERE YOU GO.

LUCKILY, STAY HUMAN'S OWN LOUIS CATO HAS STEPPED IN.

GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO, RIGHT OVER THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

AND WHEN LOUIS IS NOT ON CAMERA, WE SEAL HIM IN TUPPERWARE, JUST

TO KEEP HIM FRESH.

WE HAVE TO AT THIS POINT.

WE'LL POKE SOME AIR HOLES.

BUT DESPITE THE COVID OF IT ALL, THE WORLD IS OPENING UP.

FOR EXAMPLE, OVER IN GERMANY, AFTER BEING CANCELLED FOR THE

PAST TWO YEARS, OKTOBERFEST WILL GO AHEAD IN 2022.

GOOD!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK THE LORD!

I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

BECAUSE AFTER TWO YEARS OF PANDEMIC, MY BODY IS FIT ONLY

FOR LEDERHOSEN.

THE BEER FESTIVAL IS GOING ALL OUT FOR THEIR FIRST YEAR BACK.

ATTENDEES WILL GET TO SWIG BEER AND EAT SAUSAGES, PRETZEL, AND

PRK KNUCKLES.

AS MUNICH'S MAYOR SAID, "THERE WILL BE AN UNRESTRICTED

FESTIVAL, WHICH WILL HOPEFULLY GIVE A LOT OF PEOPLE A LOT OF

PLEASURE."

THAT'S ACTUALLY MUNICH'S TOWN MOTTO: "MUNICH: OUR SAUSAGES

WILL GIVE YOU PLEASURE!" ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) IT SOUNDS--

IT SOUNDS LESS SEXY IN GERMAN.

IT'S ALL ONE WORD.

KNOCKWURST-SEXEN-MACHEN-GE-BRING EN.

IT'S NOT JUST OKTOBERFEST.

AFTER PANDEMIC UPHEAVALS, TOMORROW WILL SEE A RETURN TO

WHAT'S BEING CALLED A "NORMAL KENTUCKY DERBY."

SO, TINY MEN ON GIANT HORSES BEING SCREAMED AT BY DRUNK WOMEN

IN ENORMOUS HATS.

YOU KNOW, NORMAL.

( LAUGHTER ) ORGANIZERS SAY--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ORGANIZERS SAY THE DERBY SHOULD

HAVE A PRE-PANDEMIC FEEL, JUST WITH MORE PEOPLE ASKING THE

JOCKEYS, "PSST, CAN YOU SCORE ME SOME HORSE PASTE?

IF BEER AND HORSES AREN'T YOUR THING, YOU COULD TAKE A BEACH

VACAY, BECAUSE WITH THE SUMMER SEASON COMING UP, GREECE HAS

LIFTED IT'S COVID CURBS FOR TRAVELERS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS

FOR ANY BRIDES WHO WANT TO INVITE THREE MEN TO HER WEDDING

IN GREECE TO FIGURE OUT WHICH OF THEM IS HER REAL FATHER.

( APPLAUSE ) MAMMA MIA!

NOW, HERE IN THE STATES, COVID RESTRICTIONS AREN'T THE ONLY

THINGS BEING REMOVED, BECAUSE NANTUCKET RESIDENTS HAVE VOTED

TO MAKE ALL BEACHES TOPLESS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

IT'S JUST LIKE THE FAMOUS LIMERICK: "THERE ONCE WAS A GAL

FROM NANTUCKET, WHO SAID OF HER SHIRT, 'I'LL UNTUCK IT.'

THEN SHE TOOK OFF HER BRA, WHILE SINGING TA-DAH, AND SAID,

'IF YOU'RE MAD YOU CAN SUCK IT.'"

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

BUT...

BUT JUST BECAUSE THINGS ARE OPENING UP DOESN'T MEAN COVID

ISN'T STILL SERIOUS.

RESEARCHERS HAVE RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT SEVERE COVID CAN

AGE THE BRAIN BY 20 YEARS.

NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING, ONE SIGN THAT YOUR BRAIN HAS AGED 20

YEARS.

YOU'VE RECENTLY STARTED WATCHING CBS.

WELCOME.

REMEMBER: DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS, WATCH PLENTY OF "BLUE

BLOODS."

( LAUGHTER ) SCIENTISTS SAY THAT A SEVERE

CASE OF COVID-19 CAN RESULT IN A LOSS OF MENTAL SHARPNESS

EQUIVALENT TO LOSING 10 I.Q.

POINTS.

AND PEOPLE WHO CHOSE NOT TO GET VACCINATED CAN'T AFFORD THOSE 10

POINTS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

IN DEVASTATING NEWS-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I GOTTA THINK.

IN DEVASTATING NEWS FOR PEOPLE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK

TALKING TO AT A PARTY, N.F.T.

SALES ARE FLAT-LINING.

BUT WHY?

THEY SEEM LIKE SUCH A SOUND INVESTMENT!

"YOU SEE, IT'S A PICTURE-- WELL, IT'S A PICTURE OF A PICTURE, BUT

THE PICTURE OF THE PICTURE IS THE PICTURE.

AND IT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST, BUT I PROMISE THERE'S ONLY ONE OF

THEM-- UNLESS I DECIDE TO MAKE MORE.

LET'S START THE BIDDING AT $10 MILLION."

AND THOSE WHO GOT IN ON THIS PONZI SCHEME EARLY ARE ALSO

FEELING THE PINCH, BECAUSE MANY N.F.T. OWNERS ARE FINDING THEIR

INVESTMENTS ARE WORTH SIGNIFICANTLY LESS THAN WHEN

THEY BOUGHT THEM.

WHAT DOES "SIGNIFICANT" MEAN?

WELL, AN N.F.T. OF THE FIRST TWEET FROM TWITTER CO-FOUNDER

JACK DORSEY SOLD IN MARCH 2021 FOR $2.9 MILLION.

BUT WHEN IT WENT UP FOR AUCTION RECENTLY, THE HIGHEST BID CAME

IN AT $277.

HA( LAUGHTER ) WOW!

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING LOSE VALUE THAT QUICKLY SINCE

KEVIN SPACEY'S OSCARS.

>> Audience: OH!

>> Stephen: REALLY?

REALLY?

TOO ROUGH ON KEVIN SPACEY?

YOU READ THE NEWS, RIGHT?

( LAUGHTER ) FOR HIS PART, THE OWNER OF THE

DORSEY N.F.T. IS UNDETERRED, SAYING THAT THE DROP IN VALUE

WAS JUST A NORMAL FLUCTUATION THAT COULD OCCUR IN ANY MARKET,

AND THAT THE N.F.T. MARKET IS ONE THAT IS STILL DEVELOPING AND

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT HOW IT WILL LOOK IN A FEW YEARS.

AND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, I'VE GOT AN N.F.T. OF A BRIDGE I'D

LIKE TO SELL YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THIS-- ( APPLAUSE )

THIS WEEK HAS BEEN FULL OF LEAKS, BUT NO DRIBBLE OF

INFORMATION IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A TERRIFYING NEW ANECDOTE ABOUT

FORMER PRESIDENT NAPOLEON BONERPILL.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THIS-- THIS-- ( APPLAUSE )

THE INFORMATION COMES TO US COURTESY OF A NEW BOOK BY

FORMER DEFENSE SECRETARY AND MAN SO PATRIOTIC HE'S GOT AN EAGLE

GROWING OUT OF HIS NECK, MARK ESPER.

BY THE WAY, SECRETARY ESPER WILL BE MY GUEST HERE ON "THE LATE

SHOW" NEXT TUESDAY.

PLEASE JOIN US.

IN HIS BOOK, ESPER RECALLS WHAT WAS GOING ON IN THE

ADMINISTRATION ON JUNE 1, 2020, WHEN DEMONSTRATORS WERE GATHERED

AT LAFAYETTE SQUARE NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE TO PROTEST POLICE

ACTION IN THE DEATH OF GEORGE FLOYD.

AND TO ADDRESS THEIR CONCERNS ABOUT POLICE BRUTALITY, THE

FORMER PRESIDENT CALLED OUT THE NATIONAL GUARD TO HIT THE

CROWD WITH TEAR GAS AND RUBBER BULLETS SO HE COULD WALK ACROSS

THE STREET WITH ESPER IN TOW AND HOLD A BIBLE LIKE HE WAS

RETURNING A HAM SANDWICH TO THE DELI COUNTER.

I'M JOKING, OBVIOUSLY.

HE WOULD NEVER RETURN A SANDWICH.

BUT ACCORDING-- ( CLEARS THROAT )

BUT ACCORDING TO ESPER'S BOOK, THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE BEST-CASE

SCENARIO.

ESPER WRITES THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT FIRST ASKED HIS

DEFENSE SECRETARY, "CAN'T YOU JUST SHOOT THEM?

JUST SHOOT THEM IN THE LEGS OR SOMETHING?"

NOW, FOLKS, EVERY SO OFTEN, YOU LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT THAT

RANCID GARBAGE PILE THAT, UNBELIEVABLY, STILL SHOCKS YOU.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ASKED THE SECRETARY OF

DEFENSE TO USE THE MILITARY TO SHOOT PROTESTORS.

WHY STOP THERE?

WHY NOT NUKE THE PROTESTORS?

OH, WAIT, HE WAS SAVING THE NUKES TO STOP THE HURRICANES.

AND FOR THE RECORD: SHOOTING THEM IN THE LEGS DOES NOT MAKE

IT ANY BETTER.

LEGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

THAT'S WHERE I KEEP SOME OF MY FAVORITE BLOOD.

EVIDENTLY, HE LEARNED CROWD CONTROL FROM THIS TRAINING

VIDEO: >> ALL RIGHT NOW, YA WISE GUY,

DANCE!

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN A

WHILE-- I BELIEVE THAT WAS JOHN BOLTON.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE-- ( APPLAUSE )

IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE HEARD FROM FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND

DEPRESSED TESTICLE, RUDY GIULIANI.

( LAUGHTER ) RUDY IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE

HOLDING DOWN A JOB THESE DAYS.

SO INSTEAD, HE'S ON CAMEO, A SERVICE WHERE, FOR A FEE, YOU

CAN GET A SHORT PERSONALIZED MESSAGE FROM A CELEBRITY.

OR FROM RUDY GIULIANI.

NOW, RECENTY, GIULIANI TOOK TO TWITTER TO PROMOTE HIS CAMEOS.

HE'S SINCE DELETED THE TWEET, BUT NOT BEFORE OUR FOOTAGE

WIZARDS SNAGGED THE VIDEO.

>> I'M RUDY GIULIANI.

IF YOU WANNA HAVE A REALLY NICE CONVERSATION OR A BIRTHDAY

GREETING, OR JUST TALK GOLF, GO TO THE LINK BELOW.

>> Stephen: (AS RUDY) "WE CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!

EVEN ABOUT HOW THOSE WHO ACTIVELY SEEK TO DESTROY THEIR

OWN COUNTRY FACE NO CONSEQUENCES, AND CAN RELAX ON A

GOLF COURSE, LOOKING LIKE A HAPPY LITTLE POTATO IN CULOTTES,

HAWKING BIRTHDAY GREETINGS FOR MERLOT MONEY!

CLICK BELOW!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BECAUSE, SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THAT LOOK?

HE'S LIKE A GRANDPA DRESSED UP AS A KID DRESSED UP AS A

GRANDPA.

( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T-- I DON'T-- WHAT IS

HAPPENING DOWN HERE?

WHAT IS HAPPENING DOWN HERE?

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S WEARING SHORTS OR LONGS.

IT'S LIKE AN ADULT DIAPER AND A PAIR OF KHAKIS HAD A SECRET BABY

THEY HID IN THE ATTIC.

IT'S LIKE HE GRABBED SOME DOCKERS, AND WHEN THEY SAW WHO

WAS WEARING THEM, THEY TOOK THEIR OWN LIFE BEFORE THEY HIT

THE ANKLES.

HE LOOKS LIKE-- HE LOOKS LIKE THE NEW GERIATRIC MEMBER OF

BLINK 182.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.

CHRIS O'DONNELL IS HERE, AND ELVIS COSTELLO TAKES THE COLBERT

QUESTIONERT.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IT'S "MEANWHILE" Y'ALL, IT'S

"MEANWHILE."