- (Group) Cheers!

- So anyway, that was when I realized that spinach has

way more vitamin B12 than cocaine.

- I've been trying to be healthier, too.

I felt a yeast infection coming on,

so I looked up some home remedies online.

- Oh, I've read about those.

- Like a dab of tea tree oil, or coconut oil,

or some other oil?

- Yes, just like that, except its a clove of garlic

that I make a bunch of tiny cuts on

so the juices really ooze out,

and then I put it in my vagina.

- Excuse me?

- Oh yeah, it's all natural and the antibacterial

properties of the garlic help prevent sickness down there.

- Lily, your vaginas self cleaning, it doesn't need you

to put anything extra inside.

- I try and lead a healthy and holistic lifestyle,

and that applies to every part of my body.

- Oh my God! Whoa!

- Put that away!

No, not back in, in the trash!

Ew!

Lily, your vagina has a delicate pH balance,

it doesn't need you putting unnecessary things in there.

That's why I just steam mine.

- How long has that been there?

- How can it help you if it's not inside you?

- This simmering pot is full of herbs

that revitalize and rebalance my girlie garden.

Steams me open like an envelop.

- Look, we all agree with society that something

must be done about our dirty, nasty vaginas.

- Don't forget 'ugly.'

- That's right, our dirty, nasty, ugly vaginas.

But that is not the way to do it, Jamie!

Making your lady purse damper is only a way to make

bacteria flourish.

- That's why, afterwards, I use a vaginal vacuum to Hoover

up any residue and that restores my yoni's youthfulness.

- What the hell is a vaginal vacuum?

- That is insane, can we please just leave our vages

alone, okay?

Just a little afternoon sext from my boyfriend, Brad.

Ever since I got a Jade Egg for my jaded little egg sack,

my fertility and virility have been off the charts.

- Oh yeah, I've heard about those little Jade Eggs.

- We don't need to see, we get the picture, it's okay.

- Holy!

- Has that been in you this whole time?

- I don't think putting a giant rock in your polly pocket

is gonna improve your sex drive.

- Don't those things cost like $100

and they're impossible to clean?

My steamer is a home remedy.

- And my garlic tampon is a delicious garnish.

- No, it was $300 and I've never cleaned it.

(gagging noises)

- Oh my god, Jess.

- Jess, are you okay?

- Was it something I said?

- You guys need to stop messing with your minges.

Okay, Just leave them alone!

None of the things that you're doing

achieve any of the effects that they say that they will.

In fact, they are making it worse down there, okay?

Just because some new agey product come out

promising you the moon and stars does not mean

that you have to try it.

I am feeling really faint from this conversation.

Or it might be from the live bees

that I let loose in my clam trap.

- Live bees?

- Multiple hives of bees to make a new queen bee,

which then creates royal jelly that has

the essential nutrients I need

to boost my beef taco.

- Aren't you getting stung?

- Oh yeah, I am very allergic to bees

but this will really help my, get those plump bee-stung--

(gasp of air)

lips that I've been dying for.

- Jess, we need to get you to the hospital.

- No, I think I'll just die here.

At my funeral,

put me in a top, no bottoms.

So that the world can see the huge, holistic effort

I put into my privates.

Promise me, Katie.

(Katie grunts)

- I will.

- Jess?

- No bottoms!

- Hey, it's Lily!

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