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  • [APPLAUSE] - How's it going?

  • Good. How are you?

  • I'm doing well, thank you.

  • Are you ready for Valentine's Day, to do something?

  • I'm ready. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah.

  • I'm ready, yeah.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Are you one of those guys

  • who plans it in advance?

  • Oh, yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, yeah.

  • Yeah, I got it. JIMMY KIMMEL: I do, too.

  • - Do you? - Yeah, I do.

  • You know what's funny?

  • - I've learned my lesson. - Have you?

  • Yeah.

  • Learn the hard way?

  • Yeah, yeah, I have.

  • Yeah.

  • Those CVS runs at like 5 o'clock,

  • and all those sad guys picking out glitter.

  • I feel bad because somewhere in America

  • is a man watching right now--

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Somewhere.

  • And he's so full of anxiety because he just now realized

  • it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. [LAUGHTER]

  • I'm sorry.

  • If he's lucky, he realized it now.

  • I mean, you got to be ready.

  • So OK, what are you ready with?

  • What's the plan?

  • Oh man.

  • Well, you got to--

  • OK, here's the deal, guys.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • You gotta go flowers.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: For sure.

  • But the classy move is you've got to go flowers for yourself,

  • you gotta go flowers for your mom,

  • and you go flowers for her mom. - Excellent.

  • That's the move.

  • And then here [INAUDIBLE]

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I am, you know.

  • I am the best.

  • No.

  • And then, but here's the thing.

  • You're going to screw this up more than once.

  • You're going to forget an anniversary.

  • You're going to forget a Valentine's Day.

  • So what you do is you set yourself up by periodically

  • giving just because flowers.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh!

  • Right, here's a bouquet of flowers just because.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Ah. - You know.

  • Or just a little-- it doesn't flowers, it can be expensive.

  • Could be just a little card, a little note.

  • Learn her love language, and learn to speak it,

  • and periodically do something.

  • So then when you inevitably forget she'll go,

  • oh well, they did that thing in March.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, that's nice.

  • It's an insurance policy. - It is.

  • It's insurance.

  • So now I do this, too, with my mother and my mother-in-law.

  • I will send them flowers as well.

  • Clutch.

  • But I worry sometimes that if my dad forgets to get flowers,

  • he's doomed because I sent them, and then if, God forbid,

  • you know, my mother in law's husband

  • forgets to send flowers, he's in a world

  • of trouble because of me.

  • But that's really on him, I guess.

  • - Yeah. - It's a dog-eat-dog world.

  • It's a dog-eat-dog world, you know.

  • On Valentine's day.

  • You elbow him out.

  • No, yeah, that's something to think about.

  • That's something to think about.

  • This is your first Valentine's Day with your bride

  • as man and wife. - Yeah.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: So you really have to deliver.

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • Yeah, I got to deliver.

  • But I also knew that I was going to be basically working

  • through this whole weekend, promoting the movie,

  • and so we celebrated our Valentine's Day last weekend.

  • - Oh, you did? - Yeah.

  • Oh, that's good.

  • That's always better.

  • Easier to get a dinner reservation,

  • everything is easier. - Yeah.

  • Yeah, completely.

  • But I did get her a little something.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, you did? - Yeah.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: For tomorrow? - For tomorrow.

  • Oh and now the surprise is, I guess, ruined.

  • Oh, she doesn't watch you.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, she's not watching.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Secret's safe here.

  • When do you start shooting "Jurassic World," the next one?

  • - Very soon. - Very soon.

  • I'm in it.

  • [CHEERING]

  • Yeah, we're gearing up.

  • We're getting ready to go here very, very--

  • How do you get ready for that?

  • You starve.

  • You starve?

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • I have to starve.

  • Why do you have to starve?

  • Well, I have to put myself on a really strict code

  • because I'm 40 now.

  • So if I eat like, I don't know, a Starburst,

  • I gain like, 15 pounds.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Starlord can't eat a Starburst?

  • I know. No, I know.

  • We should work on an endorsement.

  • Wow.

  • But there's no such thing as dinosaurs anymore.

  • They make those come out of nowhere.

  • Can't they do that with your body?

  • I mean, can't they just CGI you?

  • Why would you even burden yourself with this?

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • If there could be a team--

  • Yes, I know what you're saying.

  • Oh, my God!

  • You didn't think of that did you?

  • - Yeah! - Yeah.

  • Yeah, maybe it's something to talk

  • to your agent about or Steven Spielberg or something.

  • For real. Yes.

  • Or something like that, you know.

  • They're pumping a lot of money into the thing

  • I'm not running from.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Why can't they dial this in, too?

  • I think they can.

  • I think we solved a lot of problems--

  • I think you need a lot of candy tomorrow now.

  • You just cost Universal a lot of money.

  • On "Parks and Recreation" were you encouraged

  • to be pudgy on that show?

  • Was that-- - Yeah, I was.

  • Yeah, thank you.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I was.

  • Well, I remember, in the first couple of seasons,

  • just unintentionally, I had gotten a little fat.

  • And I was watching the episodes, it was like, Oh, God, Chris.

  • You've really let yourself go.

  • And then I was like, but this is some of the funniest stuff

  • you've ever done.

  • And I went to Mike Schur, our creator, and I said,

  • I want to gain like another 30, 40 pounds.

  • And he was like, OK.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • And so I did.

  • I put on-- yeah, and then it became a challenge.

  • Everyone wanted to see how much I could eat.

  • I was constantly-- I remember a scene.

  • This is funny.

  • Oh, it's funny.

  • There was this restaurant in "Parks and Rec"

  • called the Jurassic Fork.

  • JIMMY KIMMEL: Right.

  • Oddly.

  • And that was where we would go to eat, and they gave us, you

  • know, dinosaur-sized portions.

  • And so I didn't have anything to say in the scene,

  • so inevitably I wanted to try to get some screen time.

  • So I decided I would eat one rack of ribs per take.