distinguished guest, undistinguished guest, you know who you are.

優秀的貴賓、平庸的賓客，你們都知道自己的身分。

Honored faculty and creepy Spanish teachers so…

值得尊敬的教職員還有令人畏懼的西班牙老師，所以…

And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009,

當然還要感謝所有2009畢業班的學生，

I realize that most of you are hungover,

我知道你們大部分都還在宿醉中，

and having splitting headaches and haven’t slept yet since fat Tuesday

而且還有偏頭痛，自從肥胖的星期二之後也都還沒睡過，

but you can’t graduate ‘till I finish so listen up.

但是你們得等我演講完才能畢業，所以還是好好聽著吧！

When I was asked to make the commencement speech,

當我獲邀擔任畢業典禮演講人時，

I immediately said yes.

我立刻就答應。

Then I went to look up what commencement meant,

事後我去查畢業典禮這個字的意思，

which would have been easy if I had a dictionary

如果我有本字典就簡單多了，

but most of the books in our house are

可是我們家大部分的書都是

Portia’s and they’re all written in Australian.

波蒂亞的，而且都是澳洲語寫的。

So I had to break the word down myself,

所以我必須把字拆開

to find out the meaning – commencement.

才能找出意思---commencement(畢業典禮)

Common and cement, commencement.

common(普通的)和cement(水泥)，普通的水泥。

You commonly see cement on sidewalks.

你帶蓋都可以在人行道上看到水泥，

Sidewalks have cracks and if you step on the crack,

人行道上有裂縫，如果你去踩那個裂縫，

you break your mother’s back.

就會摔斷你媽媽的背，

So there’s that.

大概就是這意思。

But I’m honored that you’ve asked me here to speak at your common cement.

但是我很榮幸你們邀請我來為普通的水泥演講。

I thought that you had to be a famous alumnus, alumni, aluminum, alumis.

我以為演講者必須是有名的校友？校友們？校鋁？校由？

You had to graduate from this school.

你必須從這所學校畢業，

And I didn’t go to college, uh, here.

但我沒有上過大學，嗯，在這裡，

And this, I don’t know of President Cowen knows

而且我不知道Cowen校長知不知道

I didn’t go to college at all – any college.

我根本沒上過大學，任何一所都沒有。

And I’m not saying you wasted your time or money

我不是說你們浪費時間或金錢，

but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.

但看看我，我是十足的大名人耶！

Although I did graduate from the school of hard knocks,

雖然我確實畢業於經驗磨練大學，

our mascot was the knockers.

我們的吉祥物是胸部，

I spent a lot of time here growing up.

我花了很多時間在這裡學習成長，

My mom worked at Newcomb.

我媽媽在Newcomb工作，

And I go there every time I needed to steal something out of her purse.

每次我想要偷錢時，就從她皮包拿。

But why am I here today?

但今天為什麼我會在這裡呢？

Clearly not to steal.

絕對不是偷竊。

You're too far away and I'd never get away with it.

你們離我太遠了，而且我根本逃不掉。

I’m here because of you.

我在這裡是因為你們，

Because I can't think of a more tenacious,

因為我想不到比你們更頑強，

more courageous graduating class.

更勇敢的畢業班了。

I mean, look at you all, wearing your robes.

我的意思是說，看看你們，你們還都穿著長袍，

Usually when you're wearing a robe at 10 in the morning,

通常你早上10點還穿著睡袍，

it means you've given up.

那表示你已經放棄了啊！

I'm here because I love New Orleans.

我在這裡是因為我愛紐奧良。

I was born and raised here,

我出生在這裡，我也在這裡長大，

I spent my formative years here,

我更在這裡度過人格發展時期，

and like you, while I was living here,

而且就像你們，我住在這裡的時候，

I only did laundry six times.

只洗了六次衣服，

When I finished school, I was completely lost.

畢業後，我完全手足無措。

And by school, I mean middle school,

學校，我指的是國中，

but I went ahead and finished high school anyway.

但我還是繼續努力完成學業。

And I - I really, I had no ambition,

而我，真的，我沒有抱負，

I didn't know what I wanted to do.

我不知道我到底要什麼，

I did everything from —

我什麼事都做過，

I shucked oysters, I was a hostess,

我剝過牡蠣殼，我當過帶位小姐，

I was a bartender, I was a waitress,

我當過酒保，我當過服務生，

I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners,

我粉刷過油漆，我也賣過吸塵器，

I had no idea.

但我就是不知道自己要做什麼。

And I thought I'd just finally settle in some job,

每個新工作，我都覺得我終於定下來了，

and I would make enough money to pay my rent,

我可以賺足夠錢來付房租了，

maybe have basic cable, maybe not,

可能有基本的第四台，也可能沒有，

I didn't really have a plan,

我真的沒有計畫，

my point is that by the time I was your age,

我的意思是說，我在你們這個年紀時，

I really thought I knew who I was,

我真的以為我知道我是誰，

but I, I had no idea.

但是我，我真的不知道。

Like for example, when I was your age,

舉例來說，我在你們這年紀時，

I was dating men.

我和男人約會，

So what I'm saying is,

所以我要說的是，

when you're older, most of you will be gay.

你們年紀越來越大，大多數人會變成同性戀。

Is anybody writing this stuff down?

有人把這句佳話記下來嗎？

Parents?

家長們？

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life,

反正我就是對我的人生沒有想法，

and the way I ended up on this path

而最後會走上這條路

was from a very tragic event.

是因為一場悲劇。

I was, uh, maybe 19,

我那時，嗯，大概19歲吧！

and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident.

我的女朋友那時在車禍中喪命了，

And I passed the accident,

我還路過車禍現場，

and I didn't know it was her and I kept going,

但我不知道死者就是她，我就繼續走了，

and I found out shortly after that, it was her.

不久，我發現是她，

And I was living in a basement apartment,

我那時住在公寓的地下室，

I had no money, I had no heat,

我沒有錢，沒有暖氣，

no air, I had a mattress on the floor

沒有空氣，我只有在地上的床墊，

and the apartment was infested with fleas.

還有滿屋子的跳蚤。

And I was soul-searching, I was like,

我那時深思，思考著

why is she suddenly gone,

為什麼她突然就離開我了，

and there are fleas here?

但跳蚤仍然在這裡呢？

I don't understand,

我不了解，

there must be a purpose,

一定有個目的，

and wouldn't it be so convenient

那如果我們拿起電話，

if we could pick up the phone and call God,

打電話問上帝，

and ask these questions.

不是就方便多了嗎？

And I started writing

我開始寫作，

and what poured out of me was an

而讓我文思泉湧的是

imaginary conversation with God,

和上帝的假想對話，

which was one-sided,

我單方面的獨白，

and I finished writing it

完成之後，

and I looked at it and I said to myself,

我看著稿，對自己說，

and I hadn't even been doing stand-up ever,

當時我還沒嘗試過脫口秀，

there was no club in town.

鎮上也沒有俱樂部。

I said, "I'm gonna do this on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson”.

我說：「我要和Johnny Carson在《今夜秀》上表演這段脫口秀」

At the time he was the king,

Johnny Carson是當時的天王，

"and I'm gonna be the first woman in the history of the show to be called over to sit down."

「而且我要成為史上第一位獲邀受訪的女賓。」

And several years later,

幾年後，

I was the first woman in the history of the show,

我真的成為脫口秀史上第一位受訪女賓，

and only woman in the history of the show to sit down

在歷史上唯一一位上節目受訪的女賓，

because of that phone conversation with God that I wrote.

就是因為我寫的那篇與上帝假想對話。

And I started this path of stand-up

那就開啟了我脫口秀之路，

and it was successful

它非常成功，

and it was great,

非常棒，

but it was hard,

但也非常困難，

because I was trying to please everybody

因為我試著取悅每個人，

and I had this secret that I was keeping that I was gay.

而且我有著我是同性戀的秘密，

And I thought if people found out they wouldn't like me,

我怕人們知道我是同性戀後會不喜歡我，

they wouldn't laugh at me.

會不再因我的表演而開懷大笑，

Then my career turned into uh,

接著我的事業就轉型成，

I got my own sitcom,

我有自己的情境喜劇，

and uh, that was very successful —

而且那非常成功，

another level of success.

是另一階段的成功。

And I thought what if they find out I'm gay,

我想如果人們發現我是同性戀，

then they'll never watch,

他們就不再看我的表演了，

and uh, this was a long time ago,

這已經是很久以前的事了，

probably this was when we just had white presidents.

可能當時我們都覺得只會有白人總統，

But anyway this was back…

但，不管怎樣，這些都過去了，

many years ago.

過了很多年了，

And I finally decided that

而我最後決定

I was living with so much shame,

我活得如此羞愧，

and so much fear,

如此害怕，

that I just couldn't live that way anymore,

我不能再這樣生活了，

and I decided to come out and make it creative.

所以我決定以創新的方式出櫃，

And my character would come out at the same time,

我飾演的腳色也會同時出櫃，

and it wasn't to make a political statement,

這不是政治宣言，

it wasn't to do anything other than to free myself of —

這也不是要做其他事，而是要為我自己

from this heaviness that I was carrying around.

卸下我所承擔的這個重責大任。

And I just wanted to be honest.

我只想誠實面對，

And I thought of what’s the worst that could happen,

而且我有想過最差的情況，

I can lose my career.

就是我會失業，

I did.

確實，

I lost my career.

我失業了。

I got…

我得知…

The show was cancelled after six years

我主演了六年的節目被停播，

without even telling me.

甚至沒有告訴我，

I read it in the paper.

我是在報紙上看到。

Uhm, the phone didn’t ring for three years.

電話三年沒有響過，

I had no offers.

沒有人提供工作機會給我，

Nobody wanted to touch me at all.

也沒有任何人想接觸我，

Uhm and yet, I was getting letters from kids

然而，我收到幾位本來要自殺，

that almost committed suicide,

卻因為我宣佈出櫃

but didn’t because of what I did.

而沒有自殺的孩子的來信，

And I realized that I had a purpose.

我意識到我的存在是有意義的，

And it wasn’t just about me

那不只關於我，

and it wasn’t about celebrity,

也不只關於名聲，

but I felt like I was being punished

但我覺得我受到懲罰，

and it was a bad time.

而且那是段難熬的日子。

I was angry, I was sad,

我感到憤怒、難過，

and then I was offered a talk show.

然後我得到了脫口秀的機會，

And the people who had offered me the talk show

提供我脫口秀機會的人們

tried to sell it.

想要賣掉這個節目，

And most stations didn’t want to pick it up.

但大多數的電視台不想播放，

Most people didn’t want to buy it

大多數人不想要買這個節目，

because they thought nobody would watch me.

因為他們覺得沒有人想看我表演，

And uh, really when I look back on it,

而且，真的，當我回頭再看，

I wouldn’t change a thing.

我不想再改變什麼。

I mean, it was so important for me

我的意思是說，失去一切對我來說太重要了，

to lose everything because I found out what (what) the most important thing is,

因為我發現了最重要的事情，

is to be true to yourself.

那就是忠於自己。

And uh, ultimately, that’s what’s gotten me to this place.

而這就是為什麼會有今天這樣的我。

I don’t live in fear,

我不要活在恐懼中，

I’m free.

我是自由的，

I have no secrets

我沒有任何秘密，

and I know I’ll always be okay

而且我知道我將來會很好，

because no matter what I know who I am.

因為不管怎樣，我都知道我是誰。

So in conclusion,

因此，總而言之，

when I was younger I thought success uh,

年輕時，我覺得成功

was something different.

是一件與眾不同的事情。

I thought when I grow up,

我想我長大時，

I want to be famous.

我要成名，

I want to be a star.

我要當大明星，

I want to be in movies.

我要演電影。

When I grow up I want to see the world,

長大時，我卻想要看看世界各地，

drive nice cars, I want to have groupies.

開名車，我想要擁有粉絲，

To quote the Pussycat Dolls.

引用自小野貓。

How many people thought it was “boobies”, by the way?

順道問一下，多少人聽成「胸部」？

It’s not, it’s “groupies”.

不是，是「粉絲」。

But my idea of success is different today.

但我現在對成功有了不同想法，

And as you grow,

你們長大的時候，

you’ll realize the definition of success changes.

也會發現成功的定義改變了。

For many of you, today,

今天，對你們來說，

success is being able to hold down 20 shots of tequila.

成功可能只是代表灌下20杯龍舌蘭，

For me, the most important thing in your life

但對我來說，生命中最重要的事

is to live your life with integrity

就是正直地活下去，

and not to give into peer pressure to try

而且不要屈就於別人的壓力而

to be something that you’re not.

讓你不再是原本的你。

To live your life as an honest and compassionate person,

以誠實、同情的態度來經營人生，

to contribute in some way.

在某些方面做出貢獻，

So to conclude my conclusion,

所以總結我的結論，

follow your passion,

跟隨熱情的腳步，

stay true to yourself.

忠於自我，

Never follow someone else’s path,

不要跟隨他人的腳步，

unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost

除非你在森林裡迷路了，

and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.

你看到一條小路，當然要走那條路。

Uhm, don’t give advice,

嗯，不要給他人勸告，

it will come back and bite you in the ass.

那會讓你身受其害，

Don’t take anyone’s advice.

不要接受任何人的勸告，

So my advice to you is to

所以我的勸告是你要

be true to yourself

忠於自己，

and everything will be fine.

一切就會平安無事。

And I know that a lot of you are concerned about your future,

我知道在座大部分的同學都很擔心你們的未來，

but there’s no need to worry.

但不用太擔心，

The economy is booming,

經濟繁榮，

the job market is wide open.

到處都可以找到工作，

The planet is just fine.

地球環境也很好，

It’s going be great.

都會很棒的。

You’ve already survived a hurricane.

你們已經在颶風後活下來了，

What else can happen to you?

你們還要怕什麼呢？

And as I mentioned before,

而且就像我之前講的，

some of the most devastating things that happen to you

有些最驚人的事情

will teach you the most.

會讓你有最深刻的體悟。

And now you know the right questions to ask in your first job interview.

現在，你知道第一次工作面試要問什麼問題了吧？

Like, “Is it above sea level?”

像是「工作地點在海平線之上嗎？」

So to conclude my conclusion that I’ve previously concluded,

所以，總結一下我稍早在「普通的水泥」演講中

in the common cement speech,

所做的結論。

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

我想我要說的是：

life is like one big Mardi Gras.

生命就像是一個大型的嘉年華，

But instead of showing your boobs,

但不要展示你的胸部，

show people your brain,

而要展示你的頭腦，

and if they like what they see,

如果他們喜歡他們所見，

you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with.

你就會得到比你想像中還多的珠子。

And you’ll be drunk,

大多時候，

most of the time.

你都會喝得醉醺醺的。

So the Katrina class of 2009,

所以2009年卡翠娜颶風畢業班，

I say congratulations

我要恭喜你們，

and if you don’t remember a thing I said today,

如果你不記得我今天說的任何事，

remember this,

那就記住這個吧！

you’re going to be okay.

你會平安無事的！

Dum de dum dum dum,

噹噠噹噹噹，

just dance.

跳舞吧！