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  • -Welcome, everybody.

    -歡迎,大家好。

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

    歡迎,歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

  • We're here. [ Cheers and applause ]

    我們到了[歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Well, guys, after 64 days in office, today,

    好了,各位,上任64天后,今天。

  • President Biden held his very first press conference.

    拜登總統舉行了他的第一次新聞發佈會。

  • Normally, when a 78-year-old answers an hour of questions,

    一般情況下,當一個78歲的老人回答一個小時的問題。

  • they're getting a physical.

    他們得到一個物理。

  • It was quite the event.

    這是相當大的事件。

  • If you did a shot every time Biden said, "Look, folks,"

    如果每次拜登說 "大家看 "的時候,你就拍一拍

  • you got drunker than a ship captain in the Suez Canal.

    你比蘇伊士運河的船長還醉。

  • Yep, Biden talked about the biggest issues

    是的,拜登談到了最大的問題

  • facing his presidency -- the pandemic, the economy,

    在他的總統任期內面臨的問題 -- -- 大流行病、經濟。

  • and Dr. Oz hosting "Jeopardy!"

    和奧茲博士主持的 "危險!"

  • The big issues.

    大問題。

  • That's right -- Biden covered a wide range of topics.

    沒錯--拜登涉及的話題範圍很廣。

  • He even announced plans for a peace deal between

    他甚至還宣佈了一項和平協議的計劃。

  • Godzilla and Kong.

    哥斯拉和金剛。

  • -Oh!

    -哦!

  • -There were a lot of questions today about immigration

    -今天有很多關於移民的問題。

  • after Biden announced that Vice President Harris

    在拜登宣佈副總統哈里斯

  • will be overseeing the challenges

    將負責監督這些挑戰

  • at the U.S.-Mexico border.

    在美國-墨西哥邊境。

  • It's similar to how Trump put Pence in charge of

    這就像特朗普讓彭斯負責

  • handling the pandemic.

    處理該大流行病。

  • When the going gets tough, presidents are like,

    困難的時候,總統們就像。

  • "You got this, right?

    "你有這個吧?

  • Yeah, you handle this, yeah."

    對,你來處理,對。"

  • It's like a middle-school principal

    就像一箇中學校長

  • telling the vice principal, "I'll stay here while you

    對副校長說:"我留在這裡,而你呢?

  • chaperone the field trip to the glass museum."

    陪著去玻璃博物館實地考察。"

  • Some more news from Washington.

    還有一些來自華盛頓的消息。

  • During a Congressional hearing today,

    在今天的國會聽證會上。

  • the chairman was having some issues with

    主席有一些問題

  • people forgetting to mute themselves.

    人們忘了給自己靜音。

  • So watch this.

    所以看這個。

  • -Keep their microphone muted, please,

    -請把他們的話筒靜音。

  • and not speaking to avoid inadvertent background noise.

    而不說話,以避免不經意間的背景噪音。

  • -Hello! Someone's not muted.

    -你好!有人沒有被靜音

  • -Unmute.

    -靜音

  • -Mute.

    -啞巴。

  • -Don't come through.

    -不要通過。

  • -Will you please mute your microphones?

    -請你把話筒靜音好嗎?

  • -Oh.

    -哦

  • [ Drum thuds ] -You need one of those.

    [鼓聲] 你需要一個這樣的。

  • You need a hammer over there, man.

    你需要一個錘子在那裡,男人。

  • [ Drum thuds ] -Gavel.

    [鼓聲] 槌子:

  • -He seems like a fun boss. -Yeah.

    -他看起來是個有趣的老闆.-是啊

  • -I like that Steve Carell-looking dude

    -我喜歡那個長得像Steve Carell的傢伙

  • in the right-hand corner there.

    在那裡的右上角。

  • Yeah, he's looking around like

    是啊,他四處張望,像

  • there's a mute button on his wall or something.

    在他的牆上有一個靜音按鈕什麼的。

  • He's like, "Mute button. I got to press the mute.

    他的樣子,"靜音按鈕。我得按靜音。

  • Honey, do you have a mute button?

    親愛的,你有靜音鍵嗎?

  • Where's the..."

    哪裡是..."

  • After that, it was pretty quiet, mainly because

    之後,就很平靜了,主要是由於。

  • they were all busy talking about him in the chat.

    他們都忙著在哈拉中談論他。

  • "Can you believe how he smacked the hammer?"

    "你能相信他是怎麼砸錘子的嗎?"

  • "Yeah, Yikes."

    "是啊,呀。"

  • Eventually, everyone did mute themselves,

    最後,大家果然都啞口無言。

  • but not before they all went "Ooh, someone's mad!"

    但在他們都說 "哦,有人瘋了!"之前,他們都沒有說。

  • Well, guys, everyone is talking about this.

    好了,夥計們,每個人都在談論這個。

  • The massive cargo ship is still blocking the Suez Canal.

    龐大的貨輪還在封鎖蘇伊士運河。

  • It's still there, and a rescue operation is under way.

    它還在那裡,救援行動正在進行中。

  • So let's see how they are trying to resolve this crisis.

    所以,讓我們看看他們是如何解決這場危機的。

  • Yeah, one bulldozer.

    是啊,一臺推土機。

  • Even Bob the Builder was like,

    就連建築商鮑勃也是如此。

  • "Oh, bloody hell, are you..."

    "哦,該死的,你是不是..."

  • You know the ship right behind him is just

    你知道他後面的船隻是

  • laying on the horn as if that will help, too.

    躺在角上,好像這樣也會有幫助。

  • He's like, "Come on, guy!

    他說,"來吧,夥計!

  • Come on, guy!"

    來吧,夥計!"

  • Some business news.

    一些商業新聞。

  • I saw that Pop-Tarts just announced three new flavors.

    我看到Pop -Tarts剛剛宣佈了三種新口味。

  • Yeah, take a look.

    是啊,看一看。

  • There's peach cobbler, lemon cream pie,

    有桃子餡餅,檸檬奶油派。

  • and single-dad dinner.

    和單親爸爸的晚餐。

  • -Oh! Pretty good. -Mmm!

    -哦,很好-嗯!

  • I don't even toast them. I don't even toast them.

    我甚至不烤他們。我甚至不烤他們。

  • -Don't even take them out of the foil.

    -不要把它們從鋁箔中取出來。

  • -No, I eat the foil, too. Wow. Wow. Roughage.

    -不,我也吃鋁箔。不,我也吃鋁箔。哇哦Roughage.

  • Speaking of brand-new things, Dyson has a new vacuum.

    說到全新的東西,戴森有了新的吸塵器。

  • I'm very excited about this. -What?

    我很興奮-什麼?

  • -They have a new vacuum with a green laser

    -他們有一個新的真空與一個綠色的脈衝光。

  • to expose dust particles.

    以暴露灰塵顆粒。

  • -Ooh!

    -哦!

  • -Yeah. So if your dog wasn't petrified of vacuums before,

    -是的所以如果你的狗之前沒有被吸塵器嚇壞的話

  • he will be now.

    他現在會是。

  • "Is that a laser?"

    "那是脈衝光嗎?"

  • Yep, somehow, we figured out laser vacuums

    是的,不知怎的,我們發現了脈衝光吸塵器。

  • but still haven't cracked a Roomba that can handle carpet.

    但仍然沒有破解一個能處理地毯的Roomba。

  • Smoke coming out of the carpet.

    地毯上冒出了煙。

  • [ Drum thuds ]

    [鼓聲]

  • Mute!

    啞巴!

  • [ Drum thuds ]

    [鼓聲]

  • -He was mad. -Some TV news.

    -他瘋了.-一些電視新聞.

  • A "National Treasure" television series

    一部《國家寶藏》電視劇

  • is officially coming to Disney+, but Nicolas cage won't be in it.

    即將正式登陸Disney+,但尼古拉斯-凱奇不會出現在其中。

  • -Aww!

    -啊!

  • -When he heard that, Nicolas Cage was like,

    當他聽到這句話時,尼古拉斯-凱奇就像。

  • "Oh, my God.

    "哦,我的天啊。

  • It's just like the back of the dollar bill predicted."

    就像一元紙幣背面預測的那樣。"

  • Let me -- I can do that probably better.

    讓我... ... 我可以做得更好。

  • Let me try it.

    讓我試試

  • Just the Nicolas Cage part, yeah.

    只是尼古拉斯-凱奇的部分,是的。

  • "Oh, my God.

    "哦,我的天啊。

  • It's just like the back of the dollar bill predicted."

    就像一元紙幣背面預測的那樣。"

  • [ Cheers and applause ] That one better?

    [歡呼聲和掌聲] 這一個更好?

  • That one better?

    那個更好?

  • "Just like the -- predicted."

    "就像... ... 預測的那樣。"

  • That's my dude, man. -That's your dude, man.

    那是我的哥們兒,夥計-那是你的兄弟,夥計

  • Yeah, I can't let him down, man. -Who, what, why?!

    是啊,我不能讓他失望,夥計。 - 誰,什麼,為什麼?-誰,什麼,為什麼?

  • -Some local news here.

    -這裡有一些在地新聞

  • Officials just reached an agreement to

    官員們剛剛達成協議,以

  • legalize marijuana in New York.

    大麻在紐約合法化;

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

    [歡呼聲和掌聲] ?

  • Finally, you can buy weed in New York City.

    終於,你可以在紐約市買到大麻了。

  • Wow. What's that going to be like?

    哇,那會是什麼樣子?那會是什麼樣子?

  • But it's big, though.

    但它雖然大,。

  • Today, I saw a hot-dog guy tear up his stimulus check.

    今天,我看到一個熱狗男撕掉了他的刺激物支票。

  • He was like, "I won't be needing this anymore."

    他當時想,"我不會再需要這個了"

  • Actually, I haven't sold a hot dog in five years."

    其實,我已經五年沒有賣過熱狗了。"

  • You'll know when weed is legal when tourists

    你會知道什麼時候大麻是合法的,當遊客。

  • are walking behind New Yorkers like,

    是走在紐約人的後面,像。

  • "Let's go, let's go!"

    "走吧,走吧!"

  • Soon, you'll see a guy in the street like,

    很快,你就會在街上看到一個人,像。

  • "Hey, you took my parking spot.

    "喂,你搶了我的車位。

  • Enjoy it, friend.

    享受它,朋友。

  • "Enjoy it, friend." -Oh, my God!

    "好好享受吧,朋友"-哦,我的上帝!

  • -Yeah, it's just like the song says --

    -對,就像歌裡說的那樣...

  • if you can bake it here, you can bake it anywhere.

    如果你能在這裡烤,你可以在任何地方烤。

  • Right?

    對吧?

  • Start lightin' the bongs

    開始點燃'菸斗

  • Do doobie do

    Do doobie do

  • Doobie do, doobie do

    Doobie do, doobie do

  • Smoking doobie-dos

    吸菸doobie -dos

  • And, finally, a man in North Carolina

    最後,北卡羅來納州的一個人

  • who quit his job -- okay? -- was fighting to get

    誰辭掉了他的工作 - 好嗎?-- ... 正在爭取得到

  • his last paycheck from his former boss.

    他的前老闆給他的最後一份薪水。

  • And when it finally arrived, it wasn't what he expected.

    而當它終於到來時,卻不是他所期望的那樣。

  • Take a look at this.

    看看這個。

  • -This is my final paycheck -- $915 in pennies.

    -這是我最後的薪水 -- 915美元的硬幣。

  • -It's the amount Andreas Flaten was owed

    這是安德烈亞斯-弗萊頓被拖欠的金額。

  • after leaving his job at a local auto repair shop.

    在離開當地一家汽車修理廠的工作後。

  • His paycheck in the form of over 90,000 pennies

    他的工資有九萬多塊錢呢

  • covered in some kind of grease or oil.

    覆蓋著某種油脂或油,

  • -Wow. I wonder why he would want to

    -哇。我想知道他為什麼要

  • quit working for a boss like that.

    不要再為這樣的老闆工作了。

  • The only thing worse than being that guy

    唯一比當那個人更糟糕的是

  • is being the guy behind him at the bank.

    就是在銀行裡做他身後的那個人。

-Welcome, everybody.

-歡迎,大家好。

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拜登邀請哈里斯參與邊境危機,紐約將使大麻合法化|《今夜秀》|《今夜秀》雜誌社 (Biden Taps Harris for Border Crisis, New York to Legalize Weed | The Tonight Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 03 月 26 日
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