WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主持人STEPHEN COLBERT。

TONIGHT IS A SPECIAL LATE "LATE SHOW," NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH

今晚是一個特別的晚間 "晚間秀"，不要混淆了。

"THE LATE LATE SHOW," WHICH TONIGHT WILL BE A SPECIAL LATE

"遲來的晚間秀"，其中今晚將是一個特別的晚間

"LATE LATE SHOW."

"遲到的晚秀。"

TONIGHT'S LATENESS IS ALL BECAUSE CBS IS BROADCASTING

今晚的遲到都是因為CBS的廣播。

MARCH MADNESS, A PHRASE THAT ALSO DESCRIBES THE LAST 12

瘋狂的三月，也是描述過去12年的一個階段。

MONTHS.

月數：

BUT THIS TIME THERE'S ALSO BASKETBALL.

但這次也有籃球。

GOOD LUCK TO EVERY TEAM THAT'S PLAYING THIS YEAR.

祝所有今年參賽的隊伍好運。

I HOPE ALL OF YOU WIN.

我希望你們都能贏。

SPEAKING OF WINNERS, I COULD NOT BE PROUDER OF MY WRITERS, WHO

說到獲獎者，我不能成為我的作家的培養者，誰？

LAST NIGHT WON A WRITERS GUILD AWARD FOR OUR ELECTION SPECIAL,

昨晚，我們的選舉特別節目獲得了作家協會獎。

"STEPHEN COLBERT'S ELECTION NIGHT 2020: DEMOCRACY'S LAST

"斯蒂芬-科爾伯特的2020年選舉之夜。民主制度的最後一搏

STAND: BUILDING BACK AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BETTER 2020!"

立場：重建美國偉大的2020年更好！"

CONGRATULATIONS, WRITERS.

祝賀你們，作家們。

YOU ARE ALL FUNNY, TALENTED, PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE, IT

你們都是有趣的，有天賦的，有身體魅力的人，它。

SAYS HERE IN THE SCRIPT THAT THEY WROTE.

在他們寫的劇本中說：

OF COURSE, THE BIG NEWS IS: SPRING HAS ARRIVED!

當然，最重要的消息是：春天來了!

AND THE VACCINES ARE IN BLOOM.

疫苗也開花了。

BIDEN PROMISED 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS.

比登承諾在100天內拍攝1億次。

WELL, LAST WEEK, HE FULFILLE THAT GOAL IN 58 DAYS.

上週，他在58天內完成了這個目標。

OUR NEW PRESIDENT IS ON A ROLL!

我們的新任主席正大展拳腳!

NOTHING CAN STOP HIM NOW.

沒有什麼能阻止他了。

EXCEPT STAIRS.

除了樓梯。

EXCEPT STAIRS.

除了樓梯。

HE'S FINE!

他很好！

CAN WE BLAME IT ON HIS DOG, MAJOR?

我們能怪他的狗嗎，少校？

NO?

沒有？

DO IT ANYWAY.

無論如何都要做。

NO TOILET PAPER ON HIS SHOE, THOUGH.

不過，他的鞋上沒有紙巾。

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> 這是真的。

>> Stephen: THAT'S PROGRESS.

>> 史蒂芬：這就是進步。

WITH THE VACCINE SURGING, COVID RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING ALL

隨著疫苗手術的進行，COVID的限制被解除了。

OVER THE COUNTRY.

全國各地：

STARTING TODAY, NEW YORK CITY IS REOPENING INDOOR FITNESS CLASSES

從今天開始，紐約市將開放室內健身課程。

AT 33% CAPACITY.

在33%的容量。

OR AS IT'S KNOWN BY ANYONE WHO'S TAKEN A GROUP FITNESS CLASS:

或者說，任何上過團體健身課的人都知道它。

WHAT SHOULD BE FULL CAPACITY!

什麼是滿載!

"NOW EXHALE AND SHIFT INTO DOWNWARD FACE IN A STRANGER'S

"現在呼氣，在一個陌生人的臉上向下移。

CROTCH."

CROTCH。"

OKAY?

好嗎？

AND INHALE.

和吸氣。

ANOTHER SIGN THINGS ARE RETURNING TO NORMAL: SEX PARTIES

另一個跡象，事情正在恢復正常：性派對

ARE BACK!

回來了！

OKAY, THE WORD THAT MOST SURPRISED ME IN THAT SENTENCE

好吧，最讓我吃驚的詞在那句話中

WAS "BACK."

是 "回來"。

CALL ME OLD SHELTERED GRANDPA, BUT I DIDN'T

你可以叫我老滑頭爺爺，但我沒有。

KNOW THEY WERE ACTUALLY A THING THAT HAPPENED FREQUENTLY ENOUGH

知道他們實際上是一件事，經常發生足夠的時間

BEFORE COVID FOR THERE TO BE A PENT-UP DEMAND.

在有一個潛在的需求之前。

IT'S LIKE READING A HEADLINE: ROOT BEER JACUZZIS RETURN!

就像看了一個標題：根啤酒JACUZZIS回來了!

ROOT BEER JACUZZI, BY THE WAY, GREAT PLACE FOR A SEX PARTY.

順便說一句，根啤酒JACUZZI， 性派對的好地方。

FOAM HIDES A LOT OF THINGS.

保麗龍可以隱藏很多東西。

ANYWAY, FOR THOSE WHO INDULGE IN THE SEX PIT, I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR

無論如何，對於那些沉迷於性愛的人，我為你的

RETURN TO NORMAL?

回到正常狀態？

NATURE IS HEALING.

自然是可以治癒的。

FLOWERS ARE BLOOMING, ANIMALS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR WINTER

花兒開了，動物們走出了冬天

SLUMBER, AND YOUR NEIGHBORS ARE PUTTING THE FURNITURE IN THE

貧民窟，和你的鄰居們都把傢俱放進去了。

GARAGE AND SPREADING OUT A TARP.

車庫，並撒出了一個TARP。

ONE PLACE WHERE THE SWINGERS ARE IN FULL SWING IS A SEX PARTY

有一個地方，在那裡跳舞的人都是在充分搖擺，是一個性派對。

CALLED THE "CANCUN BOOBS CRUISE."

被稱為 "坎昆BOBS遊輪"。

GREAT OPTION FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T AFFORD THE CANCUN CROTCH YACHT,

對於那些無法負擔坎昆遊艇的人來說，這是一個很好的選擇。

BUT STILL WANT AN UPGRADE FROM THE CANCUN CHLAMYDIA KAYAK.

但仍想從坎昆CHLAMYDIA KAYAK升級。

OF COURSE, THERE ARE SOME PRECAUTIONS ONBOARD.

當然，有一些預防措施在船上。

BOOBS CRUISERS ARE ADVISED TO WEAR FACE MASKS, AND THERE'S

BOOBS的旅客最好戴上面罩，而且還有

HAND SANITIZER AND TEMPERATURE CHECKS AT THE DOOR.

門口的洗手液和溫度檢查。

"ALRIGHTY, 98.6 DEGREES.

"好的，98.6度。

YOU'RE PERFECTLY SAFE TO GO BONE THE GUY YOU MET WHEN YOUR HANDS

你完全可以放心地去跟你遇到的那個人做骨肉之親

TOUCHED IN THE SHRIMP BOWL."

摸到了在SHRIMP BOWL。"

ONE NOTABLE DIFFERENCE FROM PREVIOUS YEAR'S BOOBS CRUISES IS

與往年BOOBS遊輪的一個顯著不同之處在於：1.

THAT SEX BOATERS OBSERVE A DAILY CLAP FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHO

色情船主每天都會觀察到一些重要的工人，這些人

ARE VACATIONING ON BOARD.

正在度假的董事會。

YES, THEY ARE CLAPPING, AND SOME OF THEM EVEN USE THEIR HANDS!

是的，他們在拍手，有些人甚至用手！

LISTEN, I AM BEYOND THRILLED THAT AMERICA CAN HOP BACK ON ITS

聽著，我非常高興美國能重新站起來。

SEX BOATS.

性愛船。

THE ONLY PROBLEM?

唯一的問題？

THIS EVENT HAS NO VACCINE REQUIREMENT.

本次活動沒有疫苗要求。

NO!

不！

BAD BONE BOAT!

壞骨船！

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, BUT YOU HAVE MADE HAVING SEX

我不敢相信我這樣說，但你已經做了性愛

WITH DOZENS OF STRANGERS ON A BOAT SEEM KINDA SKETCHY.

與數十名陌生人在船上似乎有點怪異。

SADLY, FOR ALL OF YOU WHO WANT TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

很遺憾，對於所有想恢復正常生活的人來說

ACTIVITIES, LIKE SCHTUPPING A NICE COUPLE FROM WISCONSIN BY

活動，比如為來自威斯康星州的一對好夫婦提供服務。

THE MIDNIGHT CHOCOLATE BAR, ALL THESE REOPENINGS HAVE A COST.

午夜巧克力吧，所有這些重新開業的活動都是有費用的。

BECAUSE AS RESTRICTIONS DROP, NEW CORONAVIRUS INFECTIONS IN

因為隨著限制性措施的減少，新的冠狀病毒感染也在不斷增加。

THE U.S. ARE BEGINNING TO RISE.

美國開始崛起。

NOT AGAIN!

不會再有了！

NO, WE CANNOT HAVE ANOTHER LOCKDOWN EASTER OR PASSOVER!

不，我們不能再在復活節或復活節前鎖定！

"WHY IS THIS NIGHT DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER NIGHTS?

"為什麼今晚與其他所有的夜晚不同？

IT'S NOT DIFFERENT!

這沒有什麼不同！

I'M JUST WATCHING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE EAT CRACKERS ON ZOOM!"

我只是在看一群人在ZOOM上吃餅乾！"

THINGS ARE LOOKING ESPECIALLY DICEY DOWN IN MIAMI BEACH, WHERE

事情看起來特別糟糕，在米亞米海灘，在那裡

SPRING BREAK IS OUT OF CONTROL.

春節假期是失控的。

THE STREETS ARE PACKED WITH PARTIERS DRINKING, DANCING, AND

街上擠滿了聚會的人，他們喝酒，跳舞，和

A PATRIOTIC JOKER TOSSING OUT CASH?

一個愛國的笑話家扔出了現金？

I THINK?

我想？

LIKE ANY GOOD PARTY, SOMEONE'S CAR GOT TURNED INTO A DANCE

就像任何一個好的派對，有人的車變成了舞蹈

FLOOR: ♪♪♪

樓層：

( CHEERS ) ♪♪♪

( CHEERS )

WOOO!

嗚嗚！

I'M WITH YOU, MY FELLOW YOUNGLINGS!

我和你在一起，我親愛的年輕人！

THE VIRUS CAN'T CATCH US IF WE DON'T STOP DANCING!

如果我們不停止跳舞，病毒就抓不到我們！

I'M NEVER GONNA DIE!

我永遠不會死！

( BLEEP ) DID IT GO?

（嗶嗶）它去了嗎？

THINGS GOT SO OUT OF HAND THAT, ON SATURDAY, THE CITY WAS FORCED

事態失控，週六，城市被迫。

TO DECLARE A STATE OF EMERGENCY, AND AN 8:00 P.M. CURFEW.

宣佈進入緊急狀態，並宣佈晚上8點宵禁。

AND SURPRISE, IT DIDN'T WORK.

令人驚訝的是，它沒有工作。

HOT TIP FOR THE MIAMI AUTHORITIES: IF YOU WANT YOUNG

給密西西比作家的熱門提示：如果你想讓年輕人

PEOPLE TO STOP PARTYING, DON'T INSTATE A CURFEW, JUST INVITE A

人們停止聚會，不要規定宵禁，只是邀請一個。

FEW DADS.

少有的爸爸。

THAT PARTY WILL BE OVER QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY, "SHERWIN

派對會在你說 "SHERWIN "的時候迅速結束。

WILLIAMS REWARDS POINTS."

威廉姆斯獎勵積分。"

THEY KEEP TRACK OF THE PAINT YOU'VE USED OVER THE LAST TEN

他們會記錄你過去10年使用的油漆。

YEARS.

年。

SO YOU CAN GO BACK IN.

所以你可以回去了。

IF YOU WANT TO DO TOUCHUPS, YOU SAY, HEY, I WANT SEA SPRAY, AND

如果你想做修飾，你就說："嘿，我想用海洋噴霧，然後... ...

THEY GOTCHA.

他們的GOTCHA。

THE PARTY POOPER IN CHIEF IS MAYOR OF MIAMI BEACH AND DAD WHO

黨的破壞者總管是邁阿密海灘的市長和父親誰

HAD A GREAT TIME ON THE SEX BOAT, DAN GELBER.

在性愛船上度過了一段美好的時光，DAN GELBER。

GELBER HAD THIS TO SAY: >> TOO MANY ARE COMING WITHOUT

GELBER有這樣的說法：>> 太多的人都沒有來過

THE INTENTION OF FOLLOWING THE RULES.

遵循規則的意圖。

THE RESULTS HAS BEEN A LEVEL OF CHAOS AND DISORDER THAT IS JUST

結果是一個混亂和無序的水準，這是公正的。

SOMETHING MORE THAN WE CAN ENDURE.

有些事情是我們無法忍受的。

>> STEPHEN: YES, HE WANTS A SPRING BREAK THAT'S NOT CHAOTIC

>> 是的，他想要一個不亂的春假。

OR DISORDERLY.

或紊亂。

LIKE IN THOSE FAMOUS VIDEOS: "GIRLS GONE MILD."

就像在那些著名的視頻，"GIRLS GONE MILD。"

GELBER HAD THIS MESSAGE FOR ANYONE STILL PLANNING TO SPRING

GELBER有這樣的留言，給所有計劃去春天的人。

BREAK IT UP ON MIAMI BEACH: >> RIGHT NOW, IF YOU'RE COMING

在邁阿密海灘分手。>> 現在，如果你來了

HERE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN PENT UP AND YOU WANT TO LET LOOSE, AND

在這裡，因為你一直在積壓，你想釋放，和。

YOU THINK ANYTHING GOES, PLEASE DON'T COME HERE.

你認為任何事情都可以，請不要來這裡。

>> STEPHEN: TO DRIVE THE MESSAGE HOME, THE CITY HAS PARTNERED

>> 為了讓人們瞭解這一資訊，城市與之合作。

WITH WILL SMITH TO RELEASE THIS ANTI-TOURISM VIDEO:

與威爾史密斯發佈這個反旅遊視頻。

♪ PLEASE DON'T COME WE GOT A COVID BOOM ♪

請不要來 我們得到了一個COVID繁榮

♪ JUST SHOW YOUR BIKINI TO YOUR FRIENDS ON ZOOM ♪

* Just show your BIKINI to your FRIENDS ON ZOOM *

♪ NO VENGAS A MIAMI OR YOU MIGHT JUST KILL YOUR GRAMMY ♪

沒有VENGAS A MIAMI或你可能只是殺了你的格萊美獎

>> Stephen: SORRY.

>> Stephen: SORRY.

THE DAMN HOOK IS TOO HOT!

這該死的鉤子太熱了！

SPEAKING OF UNWANTED VISITORS, THERE'S NEW EVIDENCE OF ALIEN

說到不受歡迎的訪客，有新的證據表明有外星人存在

LIFE, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF

生活，我會告訴你所有關於它在今晚的節目中的

"SPACE NEWS: SPACESHIP EDITION!" THE LATEST ON EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL

"太空新聞：太空新聞： 太空艙版本！"最新的外太空資訊

ACTIVITY IS BROUGHT TO US COURTESY OF FORMER DIRECTOR OF

此活動是由前主任提供給我們的。

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND LITTLE-KNOWN THIRD DARREN, JOHN

國民智慧與鮮為人知的第三代達倫、約翰。

RATCLIFFE.

RATCLIFFE.

RATCLIFFE MADE A GUEST APPEARANCE ON BARIA MARTIROMO'S

RATCLIFFE在BARIA MARTIROMO的節目中做客。

SHOW TO BLOW THE LID OFF AN UPCOMING REPORT THAT HE CLAIMS

揭開他宣稱的即將到來的報告的蓋子的節目。

WILL REVEAL WHAT THE GOVERNMENT KNOWS ABOUT U.F.O.S.

將揭露政府對U.F.O.S.的瞭解。

>> CAN YOU TELL US HAVE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS

>> 你能告訴我們有不明飛行物嗎？

BEEN SEEN?

見過嗎？

>> WELL, SURE, WE HAVE LOTS OF REPORTS ABOUT WHAT WE CALL

>> 當然，我們有很多關於我們所謂的報告

UNIDENTIFIED AERIAL PHENOMENON.

隱身的空中鳳凰。

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT OBJECTS SEEN BY NAVY OR AIR FORCE PILOTS

我們說的是海軍或空軍飛行員看到的物體。

OR PICKED UP BY SATELLITE IMAGERY THAT, FRANKLY, ENGAGE IN

或被衛星影像公司撿到，老實說，從事

ACTIONS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN, THAT MOVEMENTS THAT

難以解釋的動作、難以解釋的動作、難以解釋的動作、難以解釋的動作。

ARE HARD TO REPLICATE THAT WE DON'T HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY FOR.

很難複製，我們沒有技術。

>> Stephen: HOLY COW, TECHNOLOGY WE DON'T UNDERSTAND,

>> Stephen: HOLY COW, TECHNOLOGY WE DON'T UNDERSTAND,

BEHAVIOR WE CAN'T EXPLAIN, AND MOVEMENTS THAT ARE HARD TO

我們無法解釋的行為和難以解釋的動作

REPLICATE.

複製：

SO, TIK TOK.

所以，TIK TOK。

THE POINT IS, YOU HEARD THE MAN: U.F.O.S ARE REAL!

關鍵是，你聽到了那個人的話，U. F. O. S是真的！

AND I WANT DETAILS!

我想要細節！

DO THEY COME IN PEACE?

他們和平而來嗎？

DO THEY PHONE HOME?

他們打電話回家嗎？

ARE THEY BABY YODAS, OR ARE THEY NAVII WITH THE SEX PONYTAIL?

他們是嬰兒YODAS，還是性馬尾的NAVII？

OR IS IT LIKE "STAR TREK," AND THEY'RE BASICALLY ALL JUST

還是像 "星際迷航 "一樣，他們基本都是...

HUMANS WITH DIFFERENT BUMPY FOREHEADS?

人類有不同的豐滿的前額？

RATCLIFFE DIDN'T HAVE MANY DETAILS, BUT HE WAS ABLE TO

RATCLIFFE沒有很多細節，但他能做到。

NARROW DOWN THE LOCATION: >> CAN YOU TELL US WHERE IT WAS

把地點縮小。>> 你能告訴我們它在哪裡嗎？

SEEN?

看到了嗎？

>> ACTUALLY, ALL OVER THE WORLD.

>> 事實上，在世界各地。

THERE HAVE BEEN SIGHTINGS ALL OVER THE WORLD.

世界各地都有目擊者。

>> STEPHEN THAT'S NOT FAIR!

>> 史蒂芬 這不公平！

ALIENS GET TO TRAVEL AND PROBE?

外星人可以去旅行和探測？

WE DON'T GET TO DO ANY OF THAT STUFF!

我們不能做任何的事情！

UNLESS YOU'RE ON THE BOOBS CRUISE!

除非你是在郵輪上！

♪♪♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

"我們為你準備了一場精彩的演出

TONIGHT.

今晚。

I'LL BE TALKING TO ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

我會跟ROBERT DOWNEY JR說的。

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN THE NEW JUSTICE

但當我們回來的時候，我會在新的《正義》中出現

LEAGUE MOVIE!

聯盟電影！

STICK AROUND.

堅持下去。