I came downstairs to the kitchen, where my mother was washing the dishes

我從樓上走到廚房, 我媽媽在那裡洗著盤子

and my father was reading the paper or something,

我爸爸在讀著好像是報紙之類的東西,

and I sort of presented myself to them in the doorway, and they said,

我故意的在門前讓他們看到我, 接著他們說:

"Hey, happy birthday!" And I said, "I'm seven."

『嘿, 生日快樂!』 我說: 『我七歲了！』

And my father smiled and said,

我爸爸笑著說:

"Well, you know what that means, don't you?"

『你知道這代表什麼嗎?』

And I said, "Yeah, that I'm going to have a party and a cake

我說: 『對, 我會有個生日派對和生日蛋糕！

and get a lot of presents?" And my dad said, "Well, yes.

還有許多禮物！』我爸爸說: 『唔, 對！

But, more importantly, being seven means that you've reached the age of reason,

但, 更重要的是, 七歲代表你已經到可以「明白事理」的年紀了,

and you're now capable of committing any and all sins against God and man."

你現在已經可以有能力去犯所有對神、人的罪惡了。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, I had heard this phrase, "age of reason," before.

其實我之前就聽「明白事理的年紀」這句話

Sister Mary Kevin had been bandying it about

Mary Kevin修女已經在我二年級時

my second-grade class at school. But when she said it,

說過這字眼，但當她說的時候

the phrase seemed all caught up in the excitement of preparations

這字眼好像只讓我們興奮的準備

for our first communion and our first confession,

我們將有的第一次的宗教交流和告解，

and everybody knew that was really all about the white dress and the white veil,

我們還以為這些都只是跟白裙和白面紗有關的，

and anyway, I hadn't really paid all that much attention to that phrase, "age of reason."

我其實並不是太在意那句: 「明白事理的年紀」

So, I said, "Yeah, yeah, age of reason. What does that mean again?"

於是, 我說:『 好, 對, 明白事理的年紀, 究竟意思是什麼?』

And my dad said, "Well, we believe in the Catholic Church

我爸爸接著說: 『對, 我們都相信天主教

that God knows that little kids don't know the difference between right and wrong,

神知道小孩子並不太明白對和錯分別，

but when you're seven, you're old enough to know better.

但當你到了七歲, 你應該可以理解對和錯的分別。

So, you've grown up, and reached the age of reason, and now

所以, 你長大了, 也到了明白事理的年紀, 現在

God will start keeping notes on you and begin your permanent record."

神會開始紀錄你所作的事, 並且會永遠保存下來』

(Laughter)

笑聲

And I said, "Oh. Wait a minute. You mean all that time,

我說:『 等等, 你的意思是, 今天以前的所有時間，

up till today, all that time I was so good, God didn't notice it?"

以前我做過好的事, 神都沒有留意得到?』

And my mom said, "Well, I noticed it."

接著我媽媽說: 『對, 但我有留意的』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And I thought, "How could I not have known this before?

我在想: 『為什麼我之前不知道這情況?

How could it not have sunk in when they'd been telling me?

為什麼當他們告訴我的時候, 我一直沒有掌握到？

All that being good and no real credit for it.

原來我所作的好事, 並沒有真正的奬賞。

And, worst of all, how could I not have realized this very important information

可是, 最糟的是, 為什麼我一直沒有發現這個重要的訊息

until the very day that it was basically useless to me?"

直到這天, 知道這訊息已經對我毫無用處了。』

So I said, "Well, Mom and Dad, what about Santa Claus?

我說, 『好吧, 爸媽, 那聖誕老人又怎樣?

I mean, Santa Claus knows if you're naughty or nice, right?"

我是說, 聖誕老人會知道你是乖不乖, 對嗎?』

And my dad said, "Yeah, but, honey,

我爸爸說: 『對, 但親愛的

I think that's technically just between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

我想這只是感恩節跟聖誕節的技術上分別。』

And my mother said, "Oh, Bob, stop it. Let's just tell her.

跟著我媽媽說: 『噢, 巴比, 停吧, 直接告訴她吧

I mean, she's seven. Julie, there is no Santa Claus."

她已經七歲了, Julie, 聖誕老人不存在的。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, this was actually not that upsetting to me.

直到這裡, 我都還可以接受

My parents had this whole elaborate story about Santa Claus:

我的父母曾用心的演繹了整個聖誕老人的故事：

how they had talked to Santa Claus himself and agreed

他們曾經跟聖誕老人討論, 以及得到他的同意

that instead of Santa delivering our presents over the night of Christmas Eve,

為什麼聖誕老人不直接在聖誕夜把禮物送來，

like he did for every other family

就好像他為其他家庭所做的

who got to open their surprises first thing Christmas morning,

他們在聖誕早上起來的時候, 便已經收到了禮物的驚喜，

our family would give Santa more time.

可是我們的家卻給聖誕老人多一點時間。

Santa would come to our house while we were at nine o'clock high mass

如果我們的小朋友在聖誕早上九時彌撒的時候, 沒有頑皮,

on Christmas morning, but only if all of us kids did not make a fuss.

聖誕老人才會早上到我們的家放下禮物。

Which made me very suspicious.

這個令我很疑惑。

It was pretty obvious that it was really our parents giving us the presents.

這很明顯是我爸媽他們給我的禮物。

I mean, my dad had a very distinctive wrapping style,

我發現, 我爸爸有一種十分奇怪的包禮物方法，

and my mother's handwriting was so close to Santa's.

而我媽媽的筆跡卻跟聖誕老人非常近似。

Plus, why would Santa save time by having to loop back

還有, 為什麼聖誕老人還有時候走到別人的家之後

to our house after he'd gone to everybody else's?

還會折返到我們家？

There's only one obvious conclusion to reach from this mountain of evidence:

在這一大堆證據之下, 只有一個解釋

our family was too strange and weird

就是我們的家太奇怪, 太怪異了

for even Santa Claus to come visit,

所以聖誕老人才不來，

and my poor parents were trying to protect us from the embarrassment,

而我可憐的父母, 為了不想我們這怪異家庭

this humiliation of rejection by Santa, who was jolly --

因為被快樂的聖誕老人拒絕而太尷尬的。

but, let's face it, he was also very judgmental.

但, 讓我們坦承吧, 他實在是太判定了！

So, to find out that there was no Santa Claus at all was actually sort of a relief.

所以, 去發現這世界沒有聖誕老人, 也許也是一種解脫。

I left the kitchen not really in shock about Santa,

當我離開廚房的時候,我的確對聖誕老人感到驚奇，

but rather I was just dumbfounded

但其實是有點兒驚呆

about how I could have missed this whole age of reason thing.

為什麼我錯過了那段還沒有到了明白事理的年齡。

It was too late for me, but maybe I could help someone else,

對我來說, 這已經是太遲了。但我仍可以幫助其他人

someone who could use the information.

有人應該可以用這個資料的。

They had to fit two criteria:

但他們需要符合兩個條件:

they had to be old enough to be able to understand

他們要長大得足夠去明白

the whole concept of the age of reason, and not yet seven.

整個明白事理的年齡的概念, 而又未到七歲。

The answer was clear: my brother Bill. He was six.

答案好明顯: 我的弟弟Bill, 他現在六歲。

Well, I finally found Bill about a block away from our house

好了, 我在家附近的學校遊樂場找到Bill

at this public school playground. It was a Saturday,

這是星期六，

and he was all by himself, just kicking a ball against the side of a wall.

他只是一個人, 對著牆邊在踢球。

I ran up to him and said, "Bill!

我跑上去大叫: 『Bill!

I just realized that the age of reason starts when you turn seven,

我剛剛發現, 當你七歲之後, 你便進了明白事理的年齡，

and then you're capable of committing any and all sins

你便會有能力對神或是對人犯罪。』

against God and man." And Bill said, "So?" And then I said,

Bill 說:『 那又怎樣? 』我說：

"So, you're six. You have a whole year to do anything you want to

『你只有六歲, 你還有一年的時間做所有你想做的事

and God won't notice it." And he said, "So?" And I said,

而神是不會跟你算賬的。』他又說: 『那又怎樣?』

"So? So everything!" And I turned to run. I was so angry with him.

我說：『你這什麼態度! 』我轉身想走, 我實在對他很憤怒

But when I got to the top of the steps, I turned around dramatically

但當我準備起步時候, 我又戲劇性地回頭

and said, "Oh, by the way, Bill, there is no Santa Claus."

接著說: 『還有, Bill, 世界上根本沒聖誕老人。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Now, I didn't know it at the time,

好了, 我當時不知道

but I really wasn't turning seven on September 10.

但我並沒有真正在九月十日那天，踏進七歲的年紀。

For my 13th birthday, I planned a slumber party with all of my girlfriends,

在我十三歲的生日, 我正準備跟我的女朋友開一個通宵派對，

but a couple of weeks beforehand my mother took me aside and said,

在派對前的數個星期, 我媽媽忽然把我叫到一旁然後說:

"I need to speak to you privately.

『我需要跟你私下說清楚。

September 10 is not your birthday. It's October 10." And I said, "What?"

九月十日不是你是生日, 你應該是十月十月生日的。』 我大叫:『 什麼?

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And she said, "Listen. The cut-off date to start kindergarten was September 15."

她說: 『聽著, 因為九月十五日出生是報讀幼稚園的分界線。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"So, I told them that your birthday was on September 10,

所以, 我告訴他們你的生日是在九月十日』

and then I wasn't sure that you weren't just going to go blab it all over the place,

我又怕你會到處跟別人亂說，

so I started to tell you your birthday was September 10.

所以我便告訴你, 你的生日是九月十日。

But, Julie, you were so ready to start school, honey. You were so ready."

但, 茱莉, 你當時已經準備好可以上學了, 親愛的

I thought about it, and when I was four,

我曾經想過, 當我四歲的時候

I was already the oldest of four children,

我已經是四個孩子之中最大的

and my mother even had another child to come,

我媽媽還有一個在肚裡準備出世，

so what I think she understandably really meant was that she was so ready,

所以她情有可原的認為她已經準備好讓我上學，

she was so ready. Then she said,

她是如此的準備好。接下她說:

"Don't worry, Julie, every year on October 10 when it was your birthday

『茱莉, 不用擔心, 我保証, 其實在每年的十月十日你生日的日子

but you didn't realize it, I made sure

但你還忘記的時候, 我保証

that you ate a piece of cake that day."

你那天都有吃一塊蛋糕的。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Which was comforting, but troubling.

還真欣慰喔, 但卻也讓人困擾。

My mother had been celebrating my birthday with me, without me.

我媽媽竟然跟我, 暗暗地慶祝我的生日。

What was so upsetting about this new piece of information

我對這項新的資料實在感到很困惑

was not that I was going to have to change the date of my slumber party

這困惑不是因為要跟我的女朋友更改我們

with all of my girlfriends,

通宵派對的日子，

what was most upsetting was that this meant that I was not a Virgo.

最困惑的, 是這代表我竟然不是處女座。

I had a huge Virgo poster in my bedroom,

我的睡房掛了一張好大的處女座海報，

and I read my horoscope every single day, and it was so totally me.

我每天閱讀星座運勢, 明明就超準的!

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And this meant that I was a Libra?

但我原來是天秤座？

So, I took the bus downtown to get the new Libra poster.

於是, 我搭公車到市中心買了張新的天秤座海報。

The Virgo poster is a picture of a beautiful woman with long hair,

那張處女座的海報有一幅很漂亮的長髮女人的圖畫，

sort of lounging by some water,

慵懶的躺在水邊，

but the Libra poster is just a huge scale.

但那個天秤座海報卻只是一只大天秤。

This was around the time that I started filling out physically,

這個時候, 我也是剛開始長胖的時候，

and I was filling out a lot more than a lot of the other girls,

但我卻比起其他女孩長得較胖，

and, frankly, the whole idea that my astrological sign was a scale

坦白說的, 那個星座的標誌是一只大天秤

just seemed ominous and depressing.

實在有點不吉祥及令人感到難受。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But I got the new Libra poster,

但我也貼了這新的天秤座海報，

and I started to read my new Libra horoscope,

於是, 我開始去閱讀我的天秤座星座運程，

and I was astonished to find that it was also totally me.

我又吃驚的發現, 運勢所說的, 也是超準的!

It wasn't until years later, looking back

直到數年前, 當我回想起

on this whole age-of-reason/change-of-birthday thing,

這整個「明白事理的年紀」和「改變出生日期」的這些事，

that it dawned on me: I wasn't turning seven

我才領悟到, 原來那時我還沒有到七歲

when I thought I turned seven. I had a whole other month

當我以為我已經七歲的時候, 我還有一整個月

to do anything I wanted to before God started keeping tabs on me.

在神沒有把我的行為記帳之前, 我還可以做任何我想做的事。

Oh, life can be so cruel.

唉, 生命實在是太殘忍了！

One day, two Mormon missionaries came to my door.

有一天, 有兩個摩門教的傳教士來敲我的門。

Now, I just live off a main thoroughfare in Los Angeles,

那時我剛好住在洛杉機的大道上，

and my block is -- well, it's a natural beginning

而我的住處, 剛好是整個區的開始

for people who are peddling things door to door.

特別為那些逐家逐戶拍門兜售的人來說。

Sometimes I get little old ladies from the Seventh Day Adventist Church

有時有些基督教復臨安息日教會的老女士會走過來

showing me these cartoon pictures of heaven.

給我展示那些關於天堂的卡通圖畫。

And sometimes I get teenagers who promise me that they won't join a gang

有時, 我又會遇到那些承諾不會加入黑社會

and just start robbing people if I only buy

和偷別人東西的年青人, 除非我願意

some magazine subscriptions from them.

在他們那裡訂雜誌。

So, normally I just ignore the doorbell, but on this day I answered.

所以, 平常我是不會理會那些門鈴的, 但那天我應了門。

And there stood two boys, each about 19,

我看到門外站著兩個男孩, 大概都是十九歲吧，

in white starched short-sleeved shirts, and they had little name tags

穿著白色的短袖恤衫, 身上都掛有小名牌

that identified them as official representatives

証明他們是基督末世

of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

聖徒教會的合法代表，

and they said they had a message for me from God.

他們說, 他們會傳達一個神的訊息給我

I said, "A message for me? From God?" And they said, "Yes."

我說: 『有一個訊息給我? 由神而來? 』 他們說: 『是的』』

Now, I was raised in the Pacific Northwest,

我在太平洋西北地區長大

around a lot of Church of Latter-day Saints people and, you know,

那裡有許多末世聖徒教會的人

I've worked with them and even dated them,

我跟他們一起工作, 甚至跟他們約會過，

but I never really knew the doctrine or what they said to people

可是我卻從來不知道他們宗教的教義

when they were out on a mission, and I guess I was, sort of, curious,

或是如何對外傳道, 我想, 因為出於一點好奇，

so I said, "Well, please, come in." And they looked really happy,

於是我說: 『好, 請進來。』 他們看起來很高興，

because I don't think this happens to them all that often.

因為我想這應該不常發生在他們身上吧。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And I sat them down, and I got them glasses of water --

我帶他們坐下來, 我還給他們水

OK, I got it. I got them glasses of water.

好吧, 我明白, 我給了他們兩杯水

Don't touch my hair, that's the thing.

別碰頭髮, 就是這問題

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

You can't put a video of myself in front of me

你不能在我面前放著我的錄影

and expect me not to fix my hair.

又不讓我整理頭髮吧。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

OK. So I sat them down and I got them glasses of water,

所以, 我帶他們坐下, 給他們兩杯水

and after niceties they said, "Do you believe that God loves you with all his heart?"

在這些禮待之後, 他們說: 『你是否全心的相信神是愛你的?』

And I thought, "Well, of course I believe in God,

我想, 『是, 當然, 我相信神

but, you know, I don't like that word, heart,

但, 你知道嗎, 我並不十分喜歡那個字眼: 全心

because it anthropomorphizes God,

因為這會把神人性化了，

and I don't like the word, 'his,' either, because that sexualizes God."

我也不喜歡那個字: 他, 因為這會性別化了神』』

But I didn't want to argue semantics with these boys,

但我不想去跟他們在字眼的語義上爭辯，

so after a very long, uncomfortable pause, I said

於是, 在一段很長, 很令人不安的停頓之後, 我說

"Yes, yes, I do. I feel very loved."

『是的, 我是的, 感到非常的被愛』

And they looked at each other and smiled,

他們互相對視, 然後笑著，

like that was the right answer. And then they said,

好像這正是正確的答案, 接著他們說，

"Do you believe that we're all brothers and sisters on this planet?"

『你相信我們在這地球全都是兄弟姊妹嗎?』

And I said, "Yes, I do. Yes, I do." And I was so relieved

我說: 『是, 我相信, 我相信,』 所以我便放心了

that it was a question I could answer so quickly.

因為這是一條我可以很快答出來的問題。

And they said, "Well, then we have a story to tell you."

他們說: 『好了, 我們有一個故事要告訴你。』

And they told me this story all about this guy named Lehi,

於是, 他們告訴了我，關於一個名叫Lehi的男人的故事

who lived in Jerusalem in 600 BC.

他在公元六百年前住在耶路撒冷。

Now, apparently in Jerusalem in 600 BC,

大概是公元前六百年的耶路撒冷，

everyone was completely bad and evil. Every single one of them:

每個人都很壞和邪惡, 每一個人:

man, woman, child, infant, fetus.

包括 男人, 女人, 兒童, 嬰兒, 胎兒

And God came to Lehi and said to him, "Put your family on a boat

神走去跟Lehi說: 『將你的家人搬上船

and I will lead you out of here." And God did lead them.

我會帶領你離開這裡。』神果然帶領他們

He led them to America.

他帶了他們到美國』

I said, "America? From Jerusalem to America by boat in 600 BC?"

我說:『 美國? 在公元前六百年坐船由耶路撒冷到美國?』

And they said, "Yes."

他們說: 『是的。』

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Then they told me how Lehi and his descendants

跟著, 他們告訴我, Lehi 和他的子孫

reproduced and reproduced, and over the course of 600 years

繁殖再繁殖, 在這六百年裡

there were two great races of them, the Nephites and the Lamanites,

變成了兩大民族: Nephites和Lamanites

and the Nephites were totally, totally good -- each and every one of them --

Nephites 是完全的好,---他們每一個人都是好人--

and the Lamanites were totally bad and evil --

而 Lamanites 是完全壞和邪惡-

every single one of them just bad to the bone.

每一個人都是壞至透骨。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Then, after Jesus died on the cross for our sins,

跟著, 當耶穌為我們的罪釘在十字架上而死後,

on his way up to heaven he stopped by America and visited the Nephites.

他升上天堂的過程中, 他停在美國, 探訪了Nephites

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

And he told them that if they all remained totally, totally good --

他告訴他們: 如果他們的每一個人,

each and every one of them --

可以保持在完全完全的好--

they would win the war against the evil Lamanites.

他們便會在跟魔鬼Lamanites的戰爭中得到勝利

But apparently somebody blew it,

但明顯的, 有些人搞砸了,

because the Lamanites were able to kill all the Nephites.

因為Lamanites有能力殺死所有的Nephites。

All but one guy, this guy named Mormon,

當中只剩下一個人, 這個人名叫摩門,

who managed to survive by hiding in the woods.

他因為匿藏在叢林之中而僥倖生存。

And he made sure this whole story was written down

他為了保証整個故事能被記錄下來

in reformed Egyptian hieroglyphics chiseled onto gold plates,

他用古埃及的文字寫在金碟上,

which he then buried near Palmyra, New York.

然後把那些金碟埋在紐約近Palmyra的地方。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)