they get really cliche.

他們得到真正的老生常談。

They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!

他們說："我一天一個樣！"。

"Just taking it one day at a time."

"只是一天一個樣。"

You know who else is?

你知道還有誰嗎？

Everybody 'cause that's how time works.

每個人，因為這就是時間的作用。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That's the only way you can take time.

這是你唯一能花時間的方法。

What, were you doing it a week at a time before?

怎麼，你之前是一個星期一次嗎？

Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

你是誰？誰教你這麼做的？

Please teach me how to do that.

請教我怎麼做。

I want to get through this quicker too.

我也想快點通過這個。

(audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)

(觀眾的歡呼聲) (歡快的器樂)

My neighborhood's weird.

我的鄰居很奇怪

I'm pretty sure the crack dealers in my neighborhood

我敢肯定，我附近的毒販子們

are working together with the pawn shops

正在與當鋪合作

'cause why is there a 24-hour pawn shop in my neighborhood?

"因為為什麼在我的附近有一家24小時營業的當鋪？

Regular people don't wake up at four in the morning like,

普通人不會像早上四點鐘醒來。

"(yawing) I feel like selling my microwave.

"(打哈欠)我覺得我想賣掉我的微波爐。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"You know, I just really feel like selling something

"你知道，我只是真的覺得賣東西的時候

"at 10% of its value.

"按其價值的10%。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"Just feel like selling something."

"就是覺得要賣東西。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I have weird aspirations.

我有奇怪的願望。

Like I really wanna kick a pigeon.

就像我真的想踢一隻鴿子一樣。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

'Cause pigeons walking around like they invincible.

因為鴿子走來走去，好像他們是無敵的。

I'm like, you're not invincible.

我想，你不是無敵的。

I'll kick the hell out of you.

我會把你踢出地獄。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You're not waiting for the bus 'cause you can fly.

你不用等公車，因為你會飛。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I can't kick pigeons 'cause there's always people around.

我不能踢鴿子，因為周圍總是有人。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And if I kick a pigeon, some women will see,

如果我踢了一隻鴿子，一些女人就會看到。

"Oh my gosh, that guy just kicked a pigeon

"天哪，那傢伙剛剛踢了一隻鴿子

"in broad daylight."

"光天化日之下"

(audience laughing) She'll go home and tell the husband,

(觀眾笑)她會回家告訴丈夫的。

"Honey, I saw this guy kick a pigeon in broad daylight."

"親愛的，我看到這傢伙光天化日之下踢了一隻鴿子。"

Her husband tell his boss,

她丈夫告訴他的老闆。

"My wife said this guy kicked a pigeon in broad daylight."

"我老婆說，這傢伙光天化日之下踢了一隻鴿子。"

His boss know somebody at the paper,

他的老闆認識報社的人

next thing you know, front page,

接下來，你知道，頭版。

"Black dudes are kicking pigeons.

"黑人帥哥在踢鴿子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

There's been a flurry of pigeon kicking going on.

踢鴿子的事情一波未平一波又起。

The Black community must be stopped at once.

必須立即制止黑社會的行為。

Save the pigeons.

救鴿子。

Must stop these PKBP, pigeon-kicking Black people.

必須阻止這些PKBP，鴿子踢黑人。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Save the pigeons.

救鴿子。

Acronyms are hilarious.

縮略語是很搞笑的。

I don't know why I wanna kick a pigeon,

我不知道為什麼我想踢鴿子。

I just figured I'd make my day better.

我只是想讓我的日子好過些。

(audience laughing) Say I kick a pigeon in the morning,

觀眾笑）說我早上踢鴿子。

something bad happens that evening,

那天晚上發生了一些不好的事情。

I'm like you know what that happened,

我想你知道發生了什麼。

but I kicked the pigeon earlier.

但我之前踢了鴿子。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

It was relaxing and invigorating.

這讓人感到輕鬆和振奮。

I wanna have the pigeon-kicking Olympics

我想參加踢鴿子的奧林匹克運動會。

where you get judged by the distance

隔行如隔山

that you kick the pigeon,

你踢鴿子。

the number of feathers you kick off the pigeon,

你踢掉鴿子的羽毛數量。

and the octave of the squawk.

和八度的叫聲。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

When you kick the pigeon like a high pitched like, "Ooh!"

當你把鴿子踢得像高音一樣，"哦！"

That's a gold medal right there.

這可是一塊金牌啊。

You kicked the hell out of that pigeon,

你把那隻鴿子踢出了地獄。

you're a goddamned warrior

你是一個該死的戰士

and you deserve your own statue in the park like yeah.

你應該得到你自己的雕像 在公園裡一樣，是的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'm 26 and it's funny how peer pressure has changed

我26歲了，同齡人的壓力改變了我的生活，這很有趣。

for me at 26 from when I was a teenager.

對於26歲的我來說，從我十幾歲的時候。

When I was a teenager, my friends would pressure me

在我十幾歲的時候，我的朋友會給我壓力

into like drinking and smoking weed.

成喜歡喝酒和抽大麻。

Now at 26, my friends pressure me

現在26歲了，我的朋友給我壓力

into doing stuff like hiking.

到做的東西，如遠足。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"Hey, Hannibal, who you wanna hike?"

"嘿，漢尼拔，你想爬誰？"

No, I don't wanna hike.

不，我不想爬山。

That sounds like a horrible idea.

這聽起來像一個可怕的想法。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Why don't we walk somewhere that's paved

我們為什麼不走到一個鋪好的地方呢？

where we're supposed to walk,

我們應該走的地方。

just in case that walk goes bad, I can just hop in a taxi.

以防萬一走得不順，我可以直接跳上計程車。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I don't like outside at all.

我一點也不喜歡在外面。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

My neighborhood is changing.

我的社區正在改變。

There's a place, there's a Mexican restaurant

有一個地方，有一個墨西哥餐廳。

that's now small church,

這就是現在的小教堂。

which is very upsetting to me

這讓我很不爽

'cause I like burritos more than I like Jesus.

因為我喜歡墨西哥捲餅多過喜歡耶穌。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

Because steak burritos are delicious

因為牛排捲餅很好吃

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

and they're real.

他們是真實的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

They're real things. (audience cheering)

他們是真實的東西。（觀眾歡呼）

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I don't like the environment at all.

我一點也不喜歡這種環境。

I'm not an environmental person.

我不是一個環保人士。

Sometimes I let the water run for 45 minutes

有時我會讓水流45分鐘

before I hop in the shower

洗澡前

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

just to do it.

只是為了做到這一點。

It keeps running.

它一直在運行。

It won't stop running.

它不會停止運行。

It makes me feel like the Poseidon of my apartment building.

這讓我覺得自己像公寓樓裡的海神。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Let the water flow.

讓水流動起來。

It just keeps running.

它只是不停地運行。

So wasteful, but it feels awesome.

好浪費，但感覺很爽。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You never know, I might be saving somebody.

你永遠不知道，我可能會救人。

Say some dude is drowning

說有人溺水了

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

in a lake or the river or whatever,

在湖裡或河裡或其他什麼地方。

he's drowning but the water only comes up

他快淹死了，但水卻只冒出來了

to like right there.

喜歡在那裡。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

because I decided to play a game of "Madden"

因為我決定玩一局 "馬登"。

before I hopped in the shower.

在我跳進浴室之前。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

(image whooshing)

（影像嗖嗖）

Whenever people going through a struggle in life,

每當人們在生活中經歷掙扎的時候。

they get really cliche.

他們得到真正的老生常談。

They say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time!

他們說："我一天一個樣！"。

"Just taking it one day at a time."

"只是一天一個樣。"

You know who else is?

你知道還有誰嗎？

Everybody 'cause that's how time works.

每個人，因為這就是時間的作用。

That's the only way you can take time.

這是你唯一能花時間的方法。

What, were you doing it a week at a time before?

怎麼，你之前是一個星期一次嗎？

Who are you? Who taught you how to do that?

你是誰？誰教你這麼做的？

Please teach me how to do that.

請教我怎麼做。

I want to get through this quicker too.

我也想快點通過這個。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I don't like when people say, "I'll pray for you.

我不喜歡別人說 "我會為你祈禱"。

"I'm gonna pray for you.

"我會為你祈禱的。

"Praying for you."

"為你祈禱。"

You gonna pray for me?

你要為我祈禱嗎？

So you're gonna sit at home and do nothing.

所以你要坐在家裡什麼都不做。

(audience laughing) 'Cause that's what your prayers are.

（觀眾笑）"因為這就是你的祈禱。

You're doing nothing while I struggle with a situation.

你什麼都不做，而我卻在苦苦掙扎。

Don't pray for me, make me a sandwich or something

別為我祈禱了，給我做個三明治什麼的吧。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

'cause I'm very upset right now

因為我現在很不高興

and I can't make more sandwich, so that'd be cool

我不能做更多的三明治，所以這將是很酷的

if you made me a sandwich instead of praying,

如果你給我做了一個三明治，而不是祈禱，

which is kind of lazy.

這是種懶惰。

Take action.

採取行動。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"Well, we'll keep you in our thoughts."

"好吧，我們會一直惦記著你的。"

With the other bullshit in your head? No.

用你腦子裡的其他廢話？不，不

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Keep me out of your thoughts

讓我遠離你的思想

'cause I hear some of the stuff you talk about,

因為我聽到了你說的一些東西。

and that's close to what you thinking about,

這和你想的很接近。

I don't wanna be around that at all.

我可不想在那附近。

So keep me and my family out of your thoughts,

所以，讓我和我的家人遠離你的想法。

unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.

除非你想給我們做三明治。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I was at the front desk of a hotel

我在一家酒店的前臺

and the front desk lady is screaming, "Oh Jesus! Jesus!

和前臺小姐尖叫，"哦，耶穌！天啊！

"Oh Jesus!"

"哦，天哪！"

I said, "What's wrong?"

我說："怎麼了？"

She said, "My back.

她說："我的背。

"My back has just been killing me for months."

"我的背已經摺磨了我好幾個月了。"

I said, "You should try Vicodin."

我說："你應該試試維柯丁。"

She said, "No, I'm trying Jesus."

她說："不，我在嘗試耶穌。"

I said, "Nah, you should try Vicodin."

我說："不，你應該試試維柯丁。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And she said, "You should try Jesus."

她說，"你應該試試耶穌。"

I said, "Nah, my back is great.

我說："不，我的背很好。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

You should try half Jesus, half Vicodin.

你應該試試一半耶穌，一半維柯丁。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

To get out your back, maybe real Vicodin

為了讓你的背好起來，也許是真正的維柯丁。

and placebo Jesus for your back.

和安慰劑耶穌為你背。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I don't go to church.

我不去教堂

Sometimes people would be Holy Ghosting.

有時人們會被聖靈化。

I can't get with that.

我不能接受

I think the Holy Ghost is just a reason

我覺得聖靈只是一個理由

for people to dance like an (beep) sober.

讓人們像（嗶）醒一樣跳舞。

I mean, "Whoa shit, I love."

我的意思是，"哇靠，我愛。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Are you for real?

你是真的嗎？

"Oh shit, look at me. I love Jesus.

"哦，媽的，看著我。我愛耶穌。

"I'm sweating.

"我出汗了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"I'm sweating so much for the Lord, ah."

"我為大人出了好多汗啊。"

Why you goofing off like that?

你為什麼要這樣傻乎乎的？

I still think you're a good person if you sit down.

我還是覺得你坐下來就是個好人。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Ah! I think the Holy Ghost is fake

啊，我覺得聖靈是假的

'cause people only get it in church

因為人們只有在教堂裡才能得到它

when they're dancing around other people

當他們在別人身邊跳舞時

that's Holy Ghosting.

這就是聖靈化。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'm surprised a rapper hasn't took that

我很驚訝，一個說唱歌手沒有采取的

and made it into a dance already.

並將其做成了舞蹈已經。

Do the Holy Ghost.

做聖靈。

Do the Holy Ghost.

做聖靈。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Do the Holy Ghost, ah.

做聖靈，啊。

Do the Holy Ghost. Yeah, I did this shit on camera.

做聖靈。是啊，我做了這個狗屎在相機。

No rappers can still it from me.

沒有饒舌歌手能從我這裡繼續。

(image whooshing)

（影像嗖嗖）

I was looking for material for this set,

我正在尋找這套材料。

so I just went to Twitter

所以我只是去Twitter

and put in a search for the word fish.

並放入魚這個詞的搜索。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And the top tweet was a dude it said,

而置頂的微博是一個哥們說的。

"Three retweets and I'll kill my sister's new fish."

"轉發三次，我就殺了我妹妹的新魚。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

So, these are Toms sunglasses right here.

所以，這些都是湯姆斯太陽鏡就在這裡。

And on top it says, "Give sight,"

上面寫著："給我看"。

'cause when you buy a pair of sunglasses

因為當你買了一副太陽鏡的時候

they give an underprivileged kid a pair of sunglasses.

他們給貧困的孩子一副太陽鏡。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

So that kid'll be hungry

那孩子就會餓了

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

but he'll look cool as fuck.

但他看起來很酷，因為他媽的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

That's what it's about.

這就是它的意義所在。

And maybe with his cool look,

也許還有他那酷酷的樣子。

he can convince a girl to give him some food.

他可以說服一個女孩給他一些食物。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And that's what we're gonna be talking about today,

這就是我們今天要討論的內容。

self-improvement.

自強不息。

I try to forget part of my past,

我試著忘記我的部分過去。

but they don't let me do it when I can't get a Macy's card.

但他們不讓我辦梅西百貨的卡，當我拿不到梅西百貨的卡。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I feel like I'm succeeding in life

我覺得自己的人生很成功。

but when you try to get a Macy's card, it doesn't work out.

但當你想辦梅西卡的時候，卻辦不成了。

It lets you know what you did when you were 19 years old.

它可以讓你知道你19歲時做了什麼。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I'm just trying to figure it all out, man.

我只是想弄清楚這一切，夥計。

They say you teach people how to treat you

他們說，你教別人如何對待你

based on your behavior.

根據你的行為。

You teach people how to treat you,

你教別人如何對待你。

so I'm trying to teach that if my zipper's down

所以我想告訴大家，如果我的拉鍊拉下來了

just let that shit go.

只是讓那狗屎去。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

But people love telling you your fly is down

但人們喜歡告訴你，你的蒼蠅倒下了

without even knowing your position on zipper politics.

甚至不知道你對拉鍊政治的立場。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

They just assume you share their views.

他們只是認為你和他們的觀點一樣。

"Sir, your fly is down."

"先生，你的蒼蠅掉下來了。"

Oh yeah, my fly is down.

哦，是的，我的蒼蠅下來了。

Well, is my dick out?

那麼，我的小弟弟出來了嗎？

'Cause if my dick isn't out,

因為如果我的老二不出來，

I feel like you overexaggerating right now.

我覺得你現在太誇張了。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"Sir, your fly is down."

"先生，你的蒼蠅掉下來了。"