Big sports fan in general.

一般來說是個大體育迷。

Okay, well listen. Now we have this issue of

好吧，聽著。現在我們有這個問題的

whose gonna get into the Hall of Fame, and

誰會進入名人堂，和

they're not people like...

他們不是人喜歡...

Letting people Bonds and Clemens in, because,

讓人家邦茲和克萊門斯進來，因為。

obviously of steroid use in the past.

顯然的類固醇使用在過去。

What's your take on that?

你有什麼看法？

Uh... I don't know.

我不知道。

Does it upset... does it make you crazy?

它是否讓你心煩意亂... ... 它是否讓你瘋狂？

No, I don't mind that people use 'roids.

不，我不介意人們使用'roids。

I think they should use 'roids, because

我覺得他們應該用 "羅伊德"，因為。

they're using themselves as guinea pigs,

他們用自己作為豚鼠。

and it'll all trickle down to us one day.

總有一天，這一切都會流傳到我們身上。

And after they messed up, you know,

而在他們搞砸了之後，你知道的。

they're heads get all big, and they,

他們的頭得到所有的大，和他們，

they take that part out.

他們把這部分拿出來。

I think by the time-

我想到時候

You mean if enough athletes...

你是說如果有足夠的運動員...

You're saying, use steroids-

你是說，使用類固醇... ...

Destroy themselves with steroids,

用類固醇毀掉自己。

they'll figure out how...

他們會想出辦法...

They already... they do it with singers.

他們已經... ... 他們做的歌手。

If a singer can't sing, she gets to use a steroid.

如果一個歌手不能唱歌，她就可以使用類固醇。

Yeah.

是啊。

Right?

對吧？

So they're... you say it's going to improve...

所以他們... 你說會改善... ...

It's gonna improve the drug so that we get to use them?

它要改進藥物，讓我們可以使用它們？

I'm saying, by the time we're 80,

我說，到我們80歲的時候。

they're gonna have like a steroid vaporizer.

他們會有像 類固醇蒸發器。

That you can just inhale, and you're gonna have abs.

你只要吸氣，你就會有腹肌。

I'll get a full head of hair.

我將得到一個完整的頭髮。

And you're gonna be banging some hot 65-year-old.

而且你會和一些65歲的辣妹子上床。

And it's all gonna be because of these athletes

而這一切都是因為這些運動員的緣故

and the sacrifices that they made. That no one appreciates.

以及他們做出的犧牲。沒有人欣賞。

Baseball, I don't know,

棒球，我不知道。

it's not quite the way it used to be.

它不太一樣的方式，它曾經是。

I don't like that whole thing,

我不喜歡這整件事情。

like when you go to a game, if you catch a foul ball

就像你去看比賽，如果你接住了一個犯規的球

you gotta like, give it to a kid now.

你得喜歡，給它一個孩子了。

What are you talking about?

你在說什麼？

That's why kids are all mushy and fat.

這就是為什麼孩子們都是膩膩歪歪的胖子。

They don't have to... they don't gotta work for anything!

他們不需要... 他們不需要為任何事情工作！

First of all I don't like, when I was a kid,

首先我不喜歡，當我還是個孩子的時候。

I had to fight adults to try and get one,

我不得不和大人鬥智鬥勇，試圖得到一個。

and I never got one, and they blocked me out,

我從來沒有得到一個， 他們阻止我出去。

and that was totally acceptable in the 70's and 80's.

而這在70年代和80年代是完全可以接受的。

[Conan] Yes, it's true.

是的，這是真的。

So now I gotta sit there, take a line shot to my hand,

所以現在我得坐在那裡，對著我的手來一發。

have that swollen up, and then I...

有腫起來，然後我... ...

Oh, give it to a kid. No!

哦，把它給一個孩子。不要！

Declining ratings. Do you think the NFL has a problem?

收視率下降。你覺得NFL有問題嗎？

They're starting to say they're losing viewership.

他們開始說自己的收視率在下降。

No. People who care about football are still watching it.

不，關心足球的人還在看球。

They just, they got too big. They just went all poppy.

他們只是，他們得到了太大的。他們只是去所有罌粟花。

They had everybody dressing in pink, right?

他們讓每個人都穿上粉紅色的衣服，對嗎？

There's always jets flying over, "support the troops".

總有噴氣式飛機飛過來，"支援部隊"。

Katy Perry's doing a dance, right?

凱蒂-佩裡在跳舞，對吧？

They just, they just took it way too far.

他們只是，他們只是把它的方式太遠。

What I love about sports is it's a great way to

我喜歡運動的原因是它是一個很好的方式來

tap out from the news, and just you know,

從新聞中挖掘出來，你就知道。

watch a game and get away from it.

看一場比賽，然後離開它。

Now there's like all these causes are getting like

現在，有像所有這些原因是越來越像。

attached to it. Like, I was watching the World Series,

連接到它。就像，我在看世界大賽。

and I'm in the middle of watching the World Series,

我正在看世界大賽呢

and out of nowhere, they have this moment:

而突然間，他們有這個時刻。

"stand up to cancer".

"挺身抗癌"。

I'm watching a ball game, and all of a sudden

我在看球賽，突然間... ...

everybody stands up, holding up a sign

眾志成城

of somebody that they either know that's dying of cancer

的人，他們要麼知道，他們是死於癌症。

or died of it, in the middle of the game.

或死於它，在遊戲中。

It's just like, what are you doing?

這就像，你在做什麼？

Trying to watch a game here! You don't...

想在這裡看比賽！你不...

No, there's a time and a place!

不，天時地利人和!

Look, I know somebody...

聽著，我認識一個人...

I know somebody that has died of cancer.

我知道有人死於癌症。

I would never go to the movies with you,

我永遠不會和你去看電影。

and in the middle of it, hit pause and be like

並在它的中間，點擊暫停，是像

"Oh, by the way Conan, I know this guy..."

"哦，對了，柯南，我認識這個人..."

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"He died of cancer, it was horrific.

"他死於癌症，太可怕了。

I could have lifted him up off the sheet with two fingers,

我可以用兩根手指把他從床單上抬起來。

it was horrible, hey enjoy...

這是可怕的，嘿嘿享受... ...

Oh, by the way, I got molested when I was nine.

哦，順便說一下，我九歲的時候就被猥褻了。

Enjoy the rest of this."

好好享受剩下的時光吧。"

You gonna have a Super Bowl party?

你要開個超級碗派對嗎？

Yes. No Super Bowl party. No Super Bowl party.

是的，沒有超級碗派對沒有超級碗派對。沒有超級碗派對。

If you're a true football fan, you do not go to

如果你是一個真正的足球迷，你不會去。

Super Bowl parties. Because it's all a bunch of losers

超級碗派對。因為這都是一群失敗者。

who don't watch it all year, and what they do is

誰一年到頭不看，他們做的是

they talk during the game, and then they shut up

他們在比賽中說話，然後他們閉嘴

during the commercial. And then the game comes back,

在廣告期間。然後遊戲回來了。

they're like "oh, how much you think that one cost?

他們會說 "哦，你覺得那個成本多少？

Huh? What did you... Was that funny?

你...你做了什麼...很好笑嗎？

I though that one stunk."

我覺得那個很臭。"

And it's just like... I just...

而且它只是喜歡...我只是...

The rage that goes through me.

我心中的怒火。

Through the game. And I just, you know.

通過遊戲，而我只是，你知道，而我只是，你知道，

Ended up fighting, you know, with somebody.

最後和人打架了，你知道，和別人打架。

So you just are opposed to them having a party

所以你只是反對他們開派對而已

in the middle of the Super Bowl. Like, you know,

在超級碗的中間。就像，你知道的。

having a... a half-time show.

有一個... ... 中場秀。

Yeah, I don't like it. It's the most important

是的，我不喜歡它。這是最重要的

game of the year, and they turned it into

年的比賽，他們把它變成。

like this... this... I don't know what it is.

像這樣... 這樣...我不知道這是什麼。

I don't even know what it is anymore.

我都不知道它是什麼了。

It used to be like a little high school band came out...

以前就像高中的小樂隊出來... ...

[Conan] Yeah.

對

Playing a little song.

播放一首小曲。

[Conan] Right.

對

And then that was it. And now they just...

然後就這樣了。現在他們只是...

Shooting t-shirts into the crowd.

向人群中射出T恤。

I really sound like a grumpy old man, but I...

我真的聽起來像一個脾氣暴躁的老人，但我... ...

I just wanna watch the game.

我只是想看比賽。

[Conan] Right.

對

I'm just gonna be me, sitting alone, screaming at my TV.

我只是想做我自己，一個人坐著，對著電視尖叫。

How much football do you watch a week?

你一週看多少足球？

I watch... I watch two games on Sunday, I tape three.

我看...我週日看兩場比賽，我錄三場。

[Conan] Right.

對

Then I watch the Monday game, and then Tuesday

然後，我看週一的比賽，然後週二

I watch one of the three that I taped.

我看的是我錄的三個中的一個。

Wednesday I watch another one, then I watch

週三我看另一個，然後我看

the Thursday night game.

週四晚上的比賽。

And then Friday, I watch the Sunday night game.

然後週五，我看週日晚上的比賽。

And then Saturday I watch college football.

然後週六我看大學橄欖球。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

And it's fine.

而且它的罰款。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

Because I have a simple male brain

因為我有一個簡單的男性大腦

that can just sit there and just... just enjoy it.

可以只是坐在那裡，只是... 只是享受它。

I can just enjoy it.

我可以只享受它。

So does your wife watch any of these games with you?

那你老婆有和你一起看這些比賽嗎？

No, she has the female, complex, multitasking brain.

不，她有女性的、複雜的、多任務的大腦。

That's why they can't be happy. They just...

這就是為什麼他們不能快樂。他們只是...

Always... they're like, what is that lizard

他們總是... ... 他們就像，那是什麼蜥蜴？

that can look at two things at once?

能同時看兩樣東西的？

That's what they're like.

他們就是這樣的。

So they got the shoes they want, and then

所以，他們得到了他們想要的鞋子，然後。

they see some other woman walking in, going

他們看到一些其他的女人走了進來，去

"oh, look at this skinny bitch over here,

"哦，看看這個瘦弱的婊子在這裡，

she thinks she's cute, right?" And they...

她覺得她很可愛，對吧？"而他們...

That's what I've learned.

這就是我的體會。

Oh god.

哦，上帝。

You know what makes women happy?

你知道什麼能讓女人幸福嗎？

Nothing. Nothing makes them happy, and that is why

什麼都沒有。沒有什麼能讓他們開心，這就是為什麼

they are slowly taking over the NFL, because

他們正在慢慢地接管NFL，因為。

it annoys that we can just sit there, with like

它惱人的是，我們可以只是坐在那裡，與像。

a pizza and a drink, like "uh, that's not holding!"

一個比薩餅和飲料，像 "呃，這不是持有！"

Just, just be like... and enjoy ourselves.

只是，只是喜歡... 並享受我們自己。

So you're saying that you... because you're happy,

所以你是說你... 因為你很高興。

that you think your wife, and women in general, wanna...

你認為你的妻子和一般的女人都想... ...

They're jealous of it. They don't want their own thing.

他們嫉妒它。他們不想要自己的東西。

They don't want their own shit. They want our shit.

他們不想要自己的東西他們想要的是我們的東西。

I don't know what it is. And it's... I think it's because

我不知道那是什麼而這...我想這是因為

we're happy. We're just sitting there, enjoying ourselves.

我們很高興。我們只是坐在那裡，享受自己。

Having a good time without them. It drives them nuts.

沒有他們的日子過得很好。這讓他們瘋狂。

And they just gotta go in there and ruin it.

而他們只是要去那裡，毀了它。

I still watch O.J. Simpsons highlights.

我還是會看O. J. Simpsons的精彩片段。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

I do, I'm a... I'm a football fan.

我是，我是...我是一個足球迷。

He's one of the top five running backs of all time.

他是史上五大跑衛之一。

You're able to compartmentalize.

你能夠分門別類。

But he's all of that.

但他都是這樣的。

When he goes into a restaurant and they go

當他走進一家餐廳，他們去

"Murderer! Murderer!" He's not just that.

"殺人犯！殺人犯！"他不只是這樣。

He also won the Heisman Trophy, he ran...

他還贏得了海斯曼獎盃，他跑... ...

He got 2,000 yards in a 14-game season.

他在14場比賽中得到了2000碼。

It's just like, people are very... they're complex.

這就像，人是非常... 他們是複雜的。

You think anyone, when he walks into...

你認為任何人，當他走進... ...

Complex? You think when he walks into restaurant,

複雜？當他走進餐廳的時候，你會覺得。

anyone yells out "Heisman Trophy!"

有人喊出 "海斯曼獎盃 "嗎？

I would be... I would be adding stuff on.

我會...我會添加東西上。

You know, "Naked Gun! Naked Gun! 1 and 2!"

你知道，"裸槍！裸槍！1和2！"

I don't like how they interview the coaches too,

我也不喜歡他們採訪教練的方式。

when they go to the half... like, in half-time.

當他們走到半場... 就像，在半場時間。

As they're running off, like I think they should

當他們跑開的時候，就像我認為他們應該的那樣

just be able to stay focused on the game.

只是能夠保持專注於遊戲。

They shouldn't have to talk to somebody in

他們不應該跟別人在一起說話

like a ski parka. They're like "yeah, you know,

像一個滑雪大衣。他們就像 "是啊，你知道的。

you're down by 14, what are your thoughts?"

你落後14分，你有什麼想法？"

It's like, what the... What do you think my thoughts are?

這就像，什麼... ...你覺得我的想法是什麼？

This sucks! I'm worried about my job.

真糟糕！我很擔心我的工作。

I'll probably have to sell my house.

我可能要賣掉我的房子。

My wife's gonna leave me. I need to score

我老婆要離開我了我需要得分

more points in the other half.

在另一個半場，更多的分。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

Who are you? Why am I talking to you?

你是誰？我為什麼要和你說話？

You're not even in football? Did you even play

你連足球都沒踢過？你連踢球都沒有

to the high school level?

到高中階段？

[Conan] No, no. Probably not.

不，不也許不是

You took journalism.

你選了新聞學。

[Conan] Yeah.

對

Get outta here.

離開這裡。

What about...

那...

Yeah, it's a bunch of nerds

是啊，是一群書呆子。

interrupting people who know what they're doing.

打斷知道自己在做什麼的人。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

And the thing that concerned me the most in sports

而在體育界，我最關心的是

was, I watched Cleveland play a home game

我看了克利夫蘭的主場比賽。

in November, and it was 71 degrees out.

11月的時候，外面的氣溫是71度。

And the pitchers were sweating and all that...

而投手們都在流汗，所有的... ...

No, that's not a good thing, people.

不，這不是一件好事，人們。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

This is the golden age of global warming.

現在是全球變暖的黃金時代。

So take it in. Stick your arm out the window.

所以，把它在。把你的手臂伸出窗外。

Before the hellfires come.

在地獄之火來臨之前。

Well, always nice to cheer up the crowd.

好吧，總是很好的振奮人心。

That's when you know you're in trouble.

這時候你就知道你有麻煩了。

In the NFL, is when you just stand there...

在NFL，是當你只是站在那裡... ...

I don't even know what that means, "we gotta get it right."

我都不知道那是什麼意思，"我們得把它做好"。

"We didn't get it right, but we're gonna work on

"我們沒有做對，但我們會努力的

trying to get it right, so next time

欲速則不達

we gotta get it right."

我們得把它做好。"

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"I'm embarrassed for my actions.

"我為自己的行為感到尷尬。

I'm embarrassed for the League.

我為聯盟感到尷尬。

Embarrassed for anyone on the same continent as me.

和我在同一個大陸的人都不好意思。

We didn't get it right, we gotta get it right next time,

我們沒做對，下次一定要做對。

we're gonna work on getting it right."

我們會努力把它做好。"

Starts with that, and then the next day

開始的時候是這樣，然後是第二天

the guy's on the sports talk radio.

這傢伙是在體育談話電臺。

You know the "and, and, and" guys?

你知道 "和，和，和 "的傢伙？

[Conan] Yeah, yeah.

對，對

That connects all their thoughts with that.

這就把他們所有的思想與之聯繫起來了。

Like "they came out in the firs quarter, and...

就像 "他們在第一節就出來了，然後...

they were all over 'em!"

他們都是在他們！"

Those guys jump on it. "What does this say?

那些人跳了起來。"這說明什麼？

What does... what does the League.. What kind of message...

什麼是... 什麼是聯盟...什麼樣的資訊...

what kind of message are they sending out?"

他們在傳遞什麼樣的資訊？"

Like, I don't... It's like, what...

就像，我不...這就像，什麼...

What message are they sending out?

他們在傳遞什麼資訊？

Do you think I'm gonna see this guy hit a woman,

你以為我會看到這傢伙打女人嗎。

and then I'm gonna do it?

然後我就去做？

[Conan] Right.

對

Right?

對吧？

Right.

好吧，我知道了

I wasn't gonna hit a woman, but then that guy

我本來不想打女人的，但後來那個傢伙...

in the Ravens did it, so I guess it's okay.

在烏鴉隊做了，所以我想這是好的。

(audience laughing)

（觀眾笑）

"They got a real problem!"

"他們真的有問題！"

It drove me nuts the whole month.