I mean, I will say backstage you were a little bit, you know, a little bit more relaxed, but this is great.

我的意思是，我會說後臺 你是一個有點，你知道，一點點 更輕鬆，但這是偉大的。

My trick is new shoes like new shoes will make you feel amazing.

我的訣竅是新鞋一樣的新鞋會讓你覺得很神奇。

Those shoes are called creepers, which are like British shoes, and I think about them like the night before s a You know, you new shoes.

那雙鞋叫爬行鞋，就像英國鞋一樣，我想起來就像前一天晚上的s a你知道，你的新鞋。

You feel good.

你感覺很好。

That z what that is I picked them for two reasons.

那z是什麼，我選擇他們有兩個原因。

Number one.

第一。

There's a rubber soul and number two it's like an inch and a half So I just get that in height E s, That's what that is.

有一個橡膠的靈魂和第二號，它就像一個半英寸 所以我只是得到了在高度E秒，這是什麼。

The height thing was going really well.

身高的事情真的很順利。

I had a good set.

我有一套好的。

It ended well.

結局很好。

And then Conan came and stood next to me and we looked like something out of Lord of the Rings have to comments from Indian people are like Is he short?

然後柯南走了過來，站在我身邊，我們看起來就像《指環王》裡的東西一樣，印度人的評論是，他矮嗎？

Was Conan Tall?

柯南高嗎？

Which one is it on?

是在哪一個？

I'm like, get's both.

我想，得到的兩個。

Actually, it's both Ah, a lot of work goes into a short late night state upset.

其實，這兩者都是啊，很多工作都要在短暫的深夜狀態下完成。

Join me, J.

加入我，J。

P.

P.

Buck.

巴克。

As I spotlight the comedians who came up with some of my favorite coin sets, this'd is the set up.

當我聚焦於那些想出一些我最喜歡的硬幣套裝的喜劇演員時，這個d就是設置。

Please welcome to very funny Veer DOS way didn't meet before you were booked on the show.

請歡迎非常有趣的Veer DOS方式沒有滿足之前，你被預訂的節目。

That's the thing.

這就是問題所在。

Like usually.

像平時一樣。

Like, I do meet somebody before, um, For the first time that I saw you, you came to my attention.

就像，我確實遇到了某人之前，嗯， 對於第一次，我看到你， 你來到我的注意。

Ah, good friend of mine, Harry Kinabalu actually mentioned you in ah, a couple of times and said like, you have to see him.

啊，我的好朋友，哈里-基納巴盧居然在啊，幾次提到了你，還說像，你得見他。

You've got to see here and I happen to be over in Edinburgh was 2016 and you're performing.

你得看到這裡，我正好在愛丁堡是2016年過來的，你在表演。

And I had, like, a nine o'clock show.

我有一樣，九點鐘的節目。

And yours was 11.

而你的是11歲。

45 a night.

45美元一晚。

Remember?

記得嗎？

I went back to my hotel room to get, like, maybe 20 minutes of sleep.

我回到酒店房間裡，大概睡了20分鐘。

You were at the gilded balloon and in the basement.

你在鍍金的氣球和地下室。

It felt like I was walking into um, you know, when you like the band, the band that's about to break, and you're going to see them in the cool venue before they go and play the big arena.

這感覺就像我走進了嗯，你知道，當你喜歡的樂隊，即將解散的樂隊，在他們去大舞臺演出之前，你會在很酷的場地看到他們。

And you're like I was there the nice thing about Edinburgh is there's there's not a lot of Indians in Scotland, and that's strange, but that they're just on on dso like you get Bollywood fans in Edinburgh, Um, and then just guys who don't know who I am, just random British people who don't know who I am, which is just the two extremes of people you can have in the audience.

而你就像我在那裡 愛丁堡的好事情是有 沒有很多印度人在蘇格蘭， 這很奇怪，但他們只是在上的dso 就像你得到寶萊塢球迷在愛丁堡， 嗯，然後只是傢伙誰不知道我是誰， 只是隨機的英國人誰不知道我是誰， 這只是兩個極端的人 你可以有在觀眾。

So it's just like, Man, I love his movie and I have no idea.

所以它只是喜歡，夥計，我喜歡他的電影，我不知道。

Uh, and those two people interact with each other, and that's a nice sort of palpable energy when that happens, and these will these were preview shows, because it was just I think it was like 45 people.

呃，這兩個人相互交流， 這是一個很好的排序 可觸及的能量時，發生， 這些將這些都是預覽顯示， 因為它只是我認為這是 像45人。

The entire room was 45 or 50 people in the basement late at night and my first time there with that Schultz.

整個房間有四五十人，深夜的地下室，我第一次和那個舒爾茨一起去。

It was smart.

這很聰明。

It was a good time, and we didn't meet even then, like even then we didn't say hi or anything.

那是一段美好的時光，我們也沒有見過面，就像當時也沒有打招呼什麼的。

I wanted to talk to you, but you were kind of you're kind of getting swarmed through the show, so I didn't I was like I could have waited around, but I don't wanna bother you.

我想和你談談，但你是那種... ...你是那種得到 蜂擁而至的表演，所以我沒有... ...我想我可以等待周圍， 但我不想打擾你。

And I was like, Okay, well, at some point, I'm sure our paths will cross flash forward.

我當時想，好吧，在某些時候，我相信我們的路徑會交叉閃現。

We didn't get to actually meet in person until I booked you for the show, and you actually came to the studio.

直到我預約了你的節目，我們才真正見面，而你也真的來到了演播室。

You and me met quickly, like a t icehouse and Power E.

你和我很快就見面了，就像一個冰屋和電力E。

All right, so So I got booked, and I knew that this was happening.

好吧，所以我得到了預訂， 我知道這是怎麼回事。

And my manager, Reg, was like, All right, you need to get a set together.

我的經理人雷格就說，好吧，你得準備一套東西。

You need to get a set together.

你需要得到一套一起。

And I'm like, I don't know what that is because, you know, we're Indian.

我很喜歡，我不知道那是什麼，因為，你知道，我們是印度人。

And so for us, like, you know, six minutes means 15 minutes.

所以對我們來說，就像，你知道，6分鐘意味著15分鐘。

You know that Z how we work.

你知道我們的工作方式是Z。

What's cool about you is you didn't even mention that you were watching me at the ice house.

你最酷的是你都沒說你在冰屋看我。

You just kind of showed up after the thing on.

你只是一種出現後的事情上。

Do you would like?

你喜歡嗎？

I like that and and that was fun.

我喜歡，而且而且很有趣。

And and maybe go here with it.

而且，也許還可以到這裡來。

But had I known you were in the audience before, I would have been a little more nervous, you know?

但如果我之前知道你在觀眾席上，我會更緊張，你知道嗎？

So it was cool of you to kind of wait until I until I got done with that 10 minute spot to give me no time, which was really nice.

所以你能一直等我，直到我做完那10分鐘的節目，讓我沒有時間，這真的很好。

It just so happened.

就這麼發生了。

And these bookings happen independently and it depends on the schedule of the guest.

而這些預訂是獨立發生的，它取決於客人的日程安排。

It depends on the schedule of like sometimes people will change their dates last second.

這取決於像有時人們會改變他們的日期最後一秒的時間表。

So things get moved around and you can think that we purposely booked two guests on the same show.

所以事情被搬來搬去，你可以認為我們特意在同一個節目中安排了兩個嘉賓。

This did not happen, and I don't think I even realized it until, like the day of or day before it was destiny.

這並沒有發生，我想我甚至沒有意識到這一點，直到，好像是命中註定的前一天或者前一天。

Man, that was That was insane.

夥計，那真是... ...太瘋狂了

You have a joke in your set about the person who is the lead guest on the show?

你的套路里有個笑話，說的是節目中的主講嘉賓是誰？

Yeah.

是啊。

I couldn't have predicted it in a million years.

我一百萬年都無法預料到。

So yeah, I had the APU from The Simpsons joke, which was super important to me to do because that's the one like I used to have.

所以，是的，我有APU從辛普森一家的笑話， 這是超級重要的，我做的，因為這是一個像我曾經有。

Like, the only two Indians that Americans have really seen are like Gandhi and Apu from The Simpsons, right?

美國人真正見過的印度人只有《辛普森一家》裡的甘地和阿普，對吧？

Those are the two guys, which is why you don't consider a sexy, by the way.

就是這兩個人，這也是為什麼你不認為是性感的原因，對了。

Like if you were more So I did the apu from The Simpsons joke, which I think was this is there's no APU from The Simpsons Joe coming up.

就像如果你是更 所以我做了apu從辛普森一家的笑話，我認為這是 這是有沒有APU從辛普森一家喬來了。

This is not that.

這不是那個。

And then glance over and like, hankers arias sitting right over there, which is insane because he does the voice for a poo on.

然後瞥了一眼，喜歡，漢克斯詠歎調坐在那邊，這是瘋了，因為他做的聲音一便便上。

I think that's 90% of your comment section.

我想這是你評論區90%的內容。

Is just people going?

只是人去嗎？

Oh, snap, Like that's the entire comment section on the thing, which is insane.

哦，啪，像這是整個評論區的事情，這是瘋狂的。

Uh, my name is Vidas.

呃，我叫Vidas。

I'm from Bombay in India.

我來自印度的孟買。

Has anybody ever been to India?

有人去過印度嗎？

Well, if you haven't been, you must go because your jobs have I had seven other opening lines and this felt like what I would do if this was a club and and so I ended up going with that.

如果你沒有去過，你一定要去，因為你的工作已經... ...我有七個其他的開場白，這感覺就像我將做什麼，如果這是一個俱樂部，所以我結束了與該。

I remember, like talking with my team about it and a couple of friends.

我記得，好像是和我的團隊聊過，還有幾個朋友。

And I'm like, You know, it's possible that I lose them at line one, you know, because it's not Hey, good to be here.

我想，你知道，這是有可能的 我失去了他們在第一行， 你知道，因為它不是 嘿，很高興來到這裡。

I'm so happy I'm from here, etcetera, etcetera.

我很高興我是這裡的人，等等，等等。

It's just in straight eso it sets context for what the rest of this is gonna be, or I lose this crowd on, never get on American television again.

這只是在直eso它設置了什麼背景下，其餘的這是要去，或者我失去了這個人群上，永遠不會再得到美國電視。

Before I start telling jokes, I should clarify something.

在我開始講笑話之前，我應該澄清一些事情。

Guys, I have an Indian accent.

夥計們，我有一個印度口音。

This is how I talk.

我就是這麼說話的。

I'm not doing a bit.

我沒有做一點。

There's no APU from The Simpsons Joe coming up, But give me a little bit of time.

沒有《辛普森一家》裡的APU來了，但給我一點時間。

My action will grow on you, right?

我的行動會讓你成長，對吧？

Or just give me like four or five generations will be fine.

或者就給我像四五代就可以了。

And it's okay to not understand each other.

彼此不理解也沒關係。

There are things about me that you may not understand.

我的一些事情，你可能不瞭解。

Like my accent.

喜歡我的口音。

There are things about you America that I don't understand, like your women.

你們美國有些事情我不明白，比如你們的女人。

Now here's the thing about this joke.

現在，這個笑話的問題是這樣的。

What I love about this like it makes you think that you're gonna say something almost like very judgmental about their women.

我喜歡這樣的喜歡，讓你覺得你會說一些幾乎像很判斷他們的女人。

Yes, it's presented that way, but it's such a it's such a fun idea to turn on the way that most comics would deliver a joke like this.

是的，它是這樣呈現的，但它是這樣一個它是這樣一個有趣的想法，打開的方式，大多數漫畫會傳遞這樣的笑話。

What I was nervous about in this point is you know what's coming up is, uh, you know, usually go.

我在這一點上緊張的是，你知道即將到來的是，呃，你知道，通常去。

Have you tried Indian yet?

你試過印度的嗎？

Which is the line coming up right?

哪條線來對了？

And what you want is ladies going?

而你想要的是女士們去？

Yeah, you know, or whatever or giving you a bit of a cat call.

是啊，你知道的，或者什麼的，或者給你一點貓叫。

You know, a little bit of unenthusiastic thing, which most places I played in America.

你知道，有點不熱情的事情，我在美國玩的大多數地方。

Americans Very enthusiastic.

美國人非常熱情。

You guys, our ah woo crowd.

你們，我們的啊嗚人群。

I get the womb right.

我把子宮弄好了。

Uh, but the nightmare is just you're going.

呃，但噩夢只是你要去。

Have you tried Indian yet?

你試過印度的嗎？

And ladies going on Just silence.

而女士們繼續只是沉默。

Uh, that's the nightmare scenario, but they were kind of there kind of nice about this.

呃，這是噩夢般的情景， 但他們有種有種好這個。

I don't understand American women.

我不明白美國女人。

I don't understand how you can resist this.

我不明白你怎麼能抗拒這個。

No.

不知道

Have you tried Indian bagels?

你試過印度百吉餅嗎？

Have you tried Indian or you must.

你有沒有嘗試過印度或者你必須。

Once you go brown, the other colors let you down.

一旦你變成棕色，其他顏色就會讓你失望。

There are two Mexicans in back.

後面有兩個墨西哥人。

Right?

對吧？

This shit down, man, you should applies to us too.

這狗屎下來，男人，你應該適用於我們太。

Essa e.

Essa e.

I apologize.

我向你道歉

I don't mean to insult Mexicans.

我不是有意侮辱墨西哥人。

I'm just a comedian.

我只是一個喜劇演員。

I'm not your president.

我不是你的總統。

Once you go brown, the other colors will let you down is now a tinder profile.

一旦你去棕色，其他顏色會讓你失望是現在的火柴檔案。

It's now on T shirts if you go through like people dubbing my stuff on tick tock right from my movies and all of that stuff.

它現在在T恤上，如果你通過喜歡的人配音我的東西在滴答滴答的權利從我的電影和所有的東西。

This is the number one line that they dub.

這是他們配音的一號線。

Uh, this is the most memorable line from that special is well, and I never thought it would happen.

呃，這是那個特輯裡最難忘的一句話是好的，沒想到會發生這樣的事。

You know, this was just one of those an easy joke if I'm being completely honest.

你知道，這只是其中之一... ...一個簡單的笑話，如果我是完全誠實的。

Uh, but I feel like from this point on in the set, we all start to have a little fun because, you know, now we now we know each other.

呃，但我覺得從這一點上，在集， 我們都開始有一點點的樂趣，因為，你知道， 現在我們現在我們知道對方。

Everybody is complaining too much.

大家都在抱怨太多。

You have to work this out, guys.

你必須解決這個問題，夥計們。

Everybody's like, man, we didn't choose this guy.

每個人都喜歡，夥計，我們沒有選擇這個傢伙。

Now we gotta live with him.

現在我們得和他一起生活

We didn't vote for this guy.

我們沒有投票給這個傢伙。

Now we gotta live with him.

現在我們得和他一起生活

Do you Americans?

你們美國人嗎？

That's the president.

那是總統。

To most Indians, that's a marriage.

對大多數印度人來說，這就是婚姻。

That's what Donald Trump is.

這就是唐納德-特朗普。

He's your arranged marriage, ladies and gentlemen, because in the most literal sense, your parents picked this guy out for you.

他是你的包辦婚姻，女士們，先生們，因為從字面意義上講，你的父母為你挑選了這個人。

You know, arranged marriage works.

你知道，包辦婚姻是可行的。

You know, that's really where I'm coming from On this job is you gotta work it out.

你知道嗎，這就是我的真實想法，在這份工作中，你必須要解決它。

It's an arranged marriage, and this might actually work out.

這是一個包辦婚姻，這可能真的會成功。

Let's be clear, it didn't, but, you know, it might actually work out, but if you came out and you're like, this guy, you know, is blah, blah, blah, and I don't like him or, you know, he's a fool, etcetera, etcetera.

讓我們清楚，它沒有，但是，你知道，它可能實際上工作了， 但如果你出來，你喜歡，這傢伙，你知道，是胡說八道，胡說八道，我不喜歡他，或者，你知道，他是一個傻瓜，等等，等等。

I think even somebody who didn't support him politically I'd lose them with this joke.

我想即使是政治上不支持他的人，我也會因為這個笑話失去他們。

You know, as as you might, Aziz, we might respond to like an American coming over and saying, Your prime minister is you know, something of the other.

你知道，儘管你可能，阿齊茲，我們可能會迴應 就像一個美國人過來說，你的總理是你知道的，其他的東西。

So it is a line that you kind of have to walk because Trump is an easy joke.

所以，這是一條你不得不走的線，因為特朗普是個容易被人笑話的人。

Like our prime minister is an easy joke.

就像我們的總理是一個簡單的笑話。

But there's still that sentiment of Yeah, it's bullshit.

但還是有那種感覺，是啊，這是廢話。

But it's our bullshit, uh, on and I think you have to be cognizant and kind of respectful off that.

但這是我們的廢話，呃，我認為你必須要認識到，那種尊重的關閉。

So you know, if you notice the joke and I can only see this in retrospect because I wish it was all so preplanned.

所以，你知道，如果你注意到這個笑話，我只能在回想中看到這一點，因為我希望這一切是如此的預謀。

I think what works for the joke in retrospect and it was unplanned is that there's something there's an offering of an idea that is Indian towards the situation that is America, you know.

我覺得回過頭來看這個笑話的作用是什麼，這是計劃外的，是有一些東西有一個想法的提供，是印度對美國的情況，你知道的。

But if it was just me going, I don't get it.

但如果只是我去，我就不明白了。

What are you doing?

你在做什麼？

I think there'd be a different response on there's religious phobia because I believe that the world is changing and religion can't keep up.

我想對有宗教恐懼症會有不同的反應，因為我相信世界在變化，宗教跟不上。

I feel like we need to update every major religion in the world.

我覺得我們需要更新世界上所有主要的宗教。

Just take every religion and give it to the company.

就把每一種宗教都給公司。

Apple every six months.

蘋果每半年。

Applicant update and relaunch the religion to the world.

申請人更新和重新向世界推出宗教。

How nice would that be?

那該有多好？

That's what we need.

這就是我們需要的。

We need Islam.

我們需要伊斯蘭教。

Six s, Ladies and gentlemen, we need Jesus, bro.

6號，女士們，先生們，我們需要耶穌，兄弟。

You would slow terrorism down.

你會減緩恐怖主義的速度。

Can you imagine how much you would slow terrorism down if every time some nut job wanted to commit a jihad, You first have to sign a new online agreement with Apple.

你能想象一下，如果每次有瘋子想要進行聖戰，你都要先和蘋果公司簽署一份新的在線協議，那麼你將會大大減緩恐怖主義的速度。

Supposed to get a jihad?

應該去參加聖戰？

I'd.

我想。

Then you have to sync all your bombs in your devices to the same jihad idea.

然後你必須將你所有的炸彈在你的設備中同步到同一個聖戰理念。

Except that one bomb didn't work with the old version of iTunes.

只不過有一個炸彈在舊版的iTunes中無法使用。

And I have to download the new version of Ideo on you all set to go up to heaven and get 72 virgins.

而且我還要在你身上下載新版的Ideo，都準備好上天去找72個處女了。

But your iCloud only hold six virgins.

但你的iCloud只能容納六個處女。

So now you have the up.

所以現在你有了上。

I think it's my defense mechanism as well.

我想這也是我的防禦機制。

With a minute I do something that is slightly statement T.

用一分鐘，我做的東西是稍微聲明T。

That's the only word I have for it.

這是我對它的唯一評價。

Oh, he made a statement because I don't like that.

哦，他做了一個聲明，因為我不喜歡這樣。

You know, I don't like sitting in that for too long.

你知道，我不喜歡在裡面坐太久。

I like to go someplace silly, like really fast and then come back.

我喜歡去一些傻乎乎的地方，比如真的很快，然後回來。

Um, So I think this is me doing that from a dynamics point of you.

嗯，所以我覺得這是我從你的動態角度做的。

Just let's get silly for a bit.

就讓我們傻一下吧。

My favorite part of that joke is just android users going.

我最喜歡這個笑話的部分，就是安卓用戶去。

What the hell is he talking about?

他到底在說什麼？

Always sitting on the Androids.

一直坐在安卓系統上。

Look how happy and confident I look.

看我多開心，多自信的樣子。

Alright.

好吧，我知道了

And just just watch that.

就這麼看著。

Just look at that that swag pose, and then just watch it go away in, like, three seconds.

就看那個... ...那個邋遢的姿勢，然後就看著它消失，就像，三秒鐘。

You're not alone.

你不是一個人

I mean, I even feel I have to I my neck cranes all the time.

我的意思是，我甚至覺得我必須我的脖子起重機所有的時間。