- Can masturbating make you go blind?

- 手淫會讓人失明嗎？

100%, and here's how.

百分之百，這就是方法。

Here to help us grapple

在這裡，以幫助我們抓住

with the issue is chronic masturbator, Trevor Wallace.

與問題是慢性手淫者，特雷弗-華萊士。

- I wouldn't say chronic.

- 我不會說是慢性病。

Chronic's like nine times a day.

慢性病的像一天九次。

I'm more like 8.5.

我更喜歡8. 5。

- Doctors say the act of masturbation is perfectly normal

- 醫生說，手淫的行為是非常正常的。

and a healthy sexual practice.

和健康的性行為。

But, are you really gonna trust doctors?

但是，你真的會相信醫生嗎？

They're a bunch of perverts who won't even come

他們是一群變態，連來都不會來的人

into the room until you take your clothes off.

進入房間，直到你把衣服脫掉。

- Oh.

- 哦。

Never really thought about it that way.

從來沒有這樣想過。

- [Natasha] Let's say you've been jerking it for years

- [娜塔莎]讓我們說，你一直在抽搐多年

and it's never affected your eyesight.

而且從來沒有影響過你的視力。

But, you're estranged from your folks.

但是，你和你的家人疏遠了。

- We stopped talking

- 我們不說話了

after they called me a limp wrist boy

在他們稱我為軟腳蝦之後。

during my beer pong world tournament, you know.

在我的啤酒乒乓世界錦標賽期間，你知道的。

It's not limp.

這不是瘸子。

- [Natasha] So, you have no idea

- [娜塔莎]所以，你不知道。

that you have a family history of high blood pressure,

你有高血壓家族史。

and every time you tug,

而每當你拉扯。

blood rushes from your head to your groin.

血液從你的頭部湧向腹股溝。

Unbeknownst to you,

不知不覺中。

you're straining your already delicate retinal veins.

你緊張 你已經脆弱的視網膜靜脈。

And you're in the midst of a pong tournament,

而你正在進行乒乓球比賽。

so you've been wanking before every match.

所以你每次比賽前都會手淫。

It's the only way to get in the zone,

只有這樣才能進入這個區域。

or what the Japanese team calls kenjataimu,

或日本隊所說的kenjataimu。

the period of clear thoughts post ejaculation

暢想期

when a man is free from sexual desires, 100% confirmed.

當一個男人沒有性慾的時候，100%證實。

You might end up winning the tournament,

你可能最終會贏得比賽。

but you'll never see your trophy

但你永遠也看不到你的戰利品。

because you're about to go blind from masturbating.

因為你快要因為手淫而失明瞭。

- Okay, okay, no, no, no.

- 好吧，好吧，不，不，不。

Let's say I, like, quit ponging and start, like,

比方說，我，喜歡，退出乒乓，開始，喜歡。

popping blood thinners.

彈出血液稀釋劑。

Like, then will I be chill?

就像，那麼我將會是冷酷的？

- It won't matter

- 不要緊的

because you'll still have a vitamin A deficiency

因為你還是會缺乏維生素A。

because you refuse to eat carrots.

因為你拒絕吃胡蘿蔔。

- Okay, yeah.

- 好吧，是的。

I'm not a little bunny boy, all right?

我不是小兔崽子，好嗎？

- [Natasha] But, healthy eyes need vitamin A to function.

- [娜塔莎]但是，健康的眼睛需要維生素A的功能。

And because of your refusal to eat retinol-rich foods,

而因為你拒絕吃富含視黃醇的食物。

your body has just a tiny supply,

你的身體只有很小的供應量。

which you deplete every time you cream your shorts.

每次你在短褲上塗抹奶油時都會消耗掉。

You're putting salad dressing on the wrong cucumber.

你把沙拉醬放錯了黃瓜。

Masturbating is about to make you go blind.

自慰是要讓你盲目的。

- Okay.

- 好吧，我知道了

Fine, well I'll get better eyesight.

好吧，好吧，我會讓自己的視力變得更好。

I'll get Lasiks, whatever the fuck.

我去做Lasiks，管他呢。

Masturbating will not make me go blind now, right?

手淫不會讓我現在變成瞎子吧？

- Wrong, because you're bored of the regular tugging routine

- 錯了，因為你厭倦了常規的拉扯程序。

and decide to do the stranger.

並決定做陌生人。

Sitting on your hand to make it go numb

坐在你的手上，讓你的手變得麻木

so when you rub, it feels like you're getting yanked

所以當你摩擦的時候，感覺就像被人拉扯一樣

by a rando is great. - Okay.

由一個遊俠是偉大的。- 好吧，我知道了

- Too great,

- 太厲害了

because you spunk so hard you get it in your eye,

因為你噴得太猛，會把它弄進眼睛裡。

which you then rub with your numb hand

然後你用你的麻木的手揉搓

which currently lacks all sensation.

目前缺乏一切感覺的。

A simple eye rub turns into a deep corneal scratch.

簡單的揉眼就變成了深層的角膜劃痕。

And corneal damage is the leading cause of blindness,

而角膜損傷是導致失明的主要原因。

100% confirmed.

100%確認。

Your five-finger-discount jerk-off has caused you

你的五指打飛機給你帶來了麻煩

to go blind.

以致於失明。

- I knew I should have just invested in a fleshlight

- 我就知道我應該買個肉光燈的

for Hanukkah.

為光明節。

But what if I never, like, splooge in my eye.

但是，如果我從來沒有，喜歡，splooge在我的眼睛。

Then, that's chill?

那麼，這就是冷酷？

- Not chill because the problem is still in your face.

- 不寒而慄是因為問題還在你的臉上。

Orgasms cause muscles in the face to contract.

高潮會使面部的肌肉收縮。

These tiny twitches shouldn't be an issue,

這些微小的抽搐應該不是問題。

but you're very good at what you do.

但你很擅長你所做的。

So, every time you make whoopee with yourself,

所以，每一次和自己做胡蝶的時候。

you go cross-eyed.

你去橫眉冷對。

It's a long weekend,

這是一個漫長的週末。

so you've been making yourself googly-eyed

所以，你一直在讓自己的眼睛發呆。

from Thursday night to Sunday evening.

從週四晚上到週日晚上。

You've made an o-face so many times it's

你已經做了很多次O型臉了。

now gonna stay that way.

現在要保持這種方式。

You'll never see straight again.

你永遠不會再直視。

You've gone blind from masturbating.

你自慰的時候眼睛都瞎了。

- Okay, this is starting to freak me out.

- 好吧，這開始嚇到我了。

Hypothetically, if I never masturbate again,

假設，如果我再也不手淫了。

then I'll be okay, yeah?

那我就沒事了，是嗎？

- It's too late.

- 太晚了

Because you've just read Swiss physicist,

因為你剛剛讀了瑞士物理學家的書。

Samuel Auguste Tissot's "Treaties on Masturbation".

塞繆爾-奧古斯特-蒂索的《手淫論》。

- I have? - You have.

- 我有嗎？- 你有

It's the 1760s, so this is the only book.

現在是1760年代，所以只有這一本。

And in this self-proclaimed medical text,

而在這本自稱是醫書。

Tissot states masturbation saps humans

天梭表示手淫會消耗人類的體力。

of essential oils required for sight.

視力所需的精油的。

You freak out and run to the local pharmacy,

你嚇壞了，跑到當地的藥店。

which in 1760, is just a witch living in a tree.

在1760年，這只是一個住在樹上的女巫。

She gives you a tincture

她給了你一種酊劑

of what she considers essential oils,

她認為精油的。

spit from her lizard which she tells you to rub

她的蜥蜴吐出的口水，她讓你擦拭。

on the soft tissue that makes up your eyes.

構成眼睛的軟組織上。

The lizard spit burns right through your retinas.

蜥蜴的口水會直接燒穿你的視網膜。

But, you think the painful sensation is penance,

但是，你認為這種痛苦的感覺就是懺悔。

sin leaving the body.

罪離開身體。

The next time you read something,

下一次你看東西的時候。

it'll have to be a book on tape because you just went blind

必須是一本書的錄音帶，因為你剛剛瞎了眼。

from masturbating.

從手淫。

- All right, this Tissot guy kinda sounds crazy.

- 好吧，這個天梭的傢伙聽起來有點瘋狂。

Do we know, like, if he's a real physicist?

我們知道，像，如果他是一個真正的物理學家？

- Let's find out.

- 讓我們來看看。

Hi, I have some questions from internet user 11639.

你好，我有一些網友11639的問題。

- From the year 11,639?

- 從當年的一萬一千六百三十九?

- Yeah, Tissot, how'd you come up with this idea?

- 是啊，天梭，你是怎麼想到這個主意的？

- Research, years and years of thorough scientific research.

- 研究，多年的深入科學研究。

- So, you've done the clinical trials?

- 所以，你已經做了臨床試驗？

- Whatever you say, witch.

- 隨你怎麼說，巫婆。

- Are these some of your instruments?

- 這些都是你的工具嗎？

- Oh, yeah, top-of-the-line physics stuff.

- 哦，是的，頂級的物理學的東西。

There's this little do-hickey

有一個小的do -hickey

and this thingy that gets very hot.

而這個東西會變得非常熱。

Watch out.

小心點

Not sure why, maybe God.

不知道為什麼，也許是上帝。

- So, how do you know that losing semen makes you sick?

- 那麼，怎麼知道遺精會生病呢？

- Simple logic.

- 簡單的邏輯。

If you lose too much blood, you die.

如果你失血過多，你就會死。

Semen is basically blood, just white.

精液基本上都是血，只是白色的。

So bingo-bango, semen makes you sicko.

所以賓果，精液會讓你變成變態。

(Tissot coughing)

（天梭咳嗽）

Ah, that will fix it.

啊，這將解決它。

- Did you just cut off your arm to stop coughing?

- 你是不是為了止咳而砍掉了自己的手臂？

- Did you just cut off your arm to stop coughing?

- 你是不是為了止咳而砍掉了自己的手臂？

Get out of here, witch.

離開這裡，巫婆。

And take that handsome aristocrat with you.

還帶著那個帥氣的貴族。

- So yes, you can go blind from masturbating.

- 所以是的，手淫會失明。

It's just a matter of when and how.

只是時間和方式的問題。

- Well, goodbye my sweet friend.

- 好了，再見了，我親愛的朋友。

Do you guys have like a trashcan

你們有像一個垃圾桶

or like maybe somewhere I could, like, hang it up?

或者像也許某個地方我可以，喜歡，掛起來？

- Oh, you just put it in the hard drive.

- 哦，你只是把它在硬盤驅動器。

I'm doctor-expert, Natasha Vaynblat

我是醫生專家，Natasha Vaynblat。

and your worst fear has been confirmed.

你最擔心的事情已經被證實了。

- Oh, what about regular sex?

- 哦，那正常的性生活呢？

Can you go blind from regular sex?

經常做愛會失明嗎？

- Absolutely not.

- 絕對不是。

From regular sex, you die.

從正常的性生活中，你會死。

- So, I'm dead right now?

- 所以，我現在已經死了？

'Cause this looks like a little Heaven setting.

因為這看起來像一個小天堂的環境。

Is that what happened?

是這樣的嗎？

'Cause I had sex last night.

因為我昨晚做了愛

Nice, nice.

不錯，不錯。