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  • - Is your pregnancy test wrong?

    - 你的驗孕報告有誤嗎?

  • 100%.

    100%.

  • And here's how.

    而這裡的方法。

  • The US Office of Women's Health

    美國婦女健康辦公室

  • states that traditional pregnancy tests are 99% accurate.

    表示,傳統的孕檢準確率高達99%。

  • But then again, women love to exaggerate.

    不過話說回來,女人都喜歡誇張。

  • Pregnancy tests work by testing your urine

    懷孕測試是通過測試你的尿液來進行的。

  • for the hormone hCG, which stands for his Cum Got ya.

    為荷爾蒙hCG,這代表他的Cum Got ya。

  • So as long as you urinate

    所以只要你小便

  • on the stick, the test will detect the pregnancy hormone

    在棒子上,測試會檢測出懷孕激素。

  • unless you accidentally dilute your urine

    除非你不小心把尿液稀釋了

  • because you've got Paruresis, shy bladder syndrome.

    因為你得了腮腺炎,羞澀的膀胱綜合症。

  • Nothing to be ashamed of,

    沒什麼好羞愧的。

  • 20 million other Americans are currently pee bashful.

    目前還有2000萬美國人尿臊。

  • So, to make your piss flow confidently,

    所以,要讓自己的小便自信地流出來。

  • you chug two gallons of water.

    你喝了兩加侖的水。

  • And it works.

    而且它的工作。

  • Your piss sprays like champagne at Gatsby's house.

    你的尿液就像香檳一樣噴灑在蓋茨比的家裡。

  • Only problem is you've unknowingly

    唯一的問題是,你在不知不覺中...

  • flushed all the hCG pregnancy hormone out of your system.

    將所有的hCG妊娠激素從你的系統中沖走。

  • The test reads not pregnant, but it's a lie.

    測試結果顯示沒有懷孕,但這是個謊言。

  • In nine months, you won't be the only one pissing

    九個月後,你就不是唯一一個尿尿的人了。

  • because your pregnancy test is wrong.

    因為你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

  • Let's say your piss is perfectly concentrated.

    比方說你的尿液完全濃縮了。

  • So when your test reads not pregnant,

    所以當你的測試結果顯示沒有懷孕時。

  • it should be accurate.

    它應該是準確的。

  • Unless your boyfriend's sperm has low motility.

    除非你男友的精子活動力低。

  • Happens to seven percent of men.

    發生在7%的男性身上。

  • And it means the shlong jelly moves

    而它的意思是,shlong jelly移動

  • at a significantly slower pace.

    速度明顯放慢。

  • So even though you've waited the recommended amount of time

    所以,即使你已經等待了建議的時間量

  • to take the test,

    來參加考試。

  • eight weeks, it's actually too early.

    八週,其實太早了。

  • His trouser gravy is still sliding up your cervix.

    他的褲頭肉汁還在你的子宮頸上滑動。

  • Your test says not pregnant

    你的測試顯示沒有懷孕

  • but in nine months his bonk juice will have turned

    但九個月後,他的 "邦克 "汁液就會變成... ...

  • into your baby because your pregnancy test was wrong.

    因為你的驗孕報告出了錯,所以你的孩子才會被送進你的肚子裡。

  • Let's say your boyfriend's man chowder isn't slow

    比方說,你男朋友的男人大雜燴不慢。

  • and you have no problem peeing on command.

    而你在命令下撒尿也沒有問題。

  • Very cool.

    非常酷。

  • But you've got a narrow urethra

    但你的尿道口很窄啊

  • which means your piss is more of a Polick,

    這意味著你的小便更多的是波利克。

  • less of a Rothko, which is why you have to piss in a cup,

    少了一個羅斯科,這就是為什麼你要在杯子裡撒尿。

  • dunk your tester stick in a mug

    泡湯

  • filled with your liquid gold.

    充滿了你的液體黃金。

  • But you're not only a messy pee-er,

    但你不僅是個亂撒尿的人。

  • you're also a messy cleaner

    你也是個掃把星

  • and your cup is covered in apple juice

    你的杯子裡都是蘋果汁

  • and the sugars in apple juice interfere

    和蘋果汁中的糖分干擾了

  • with the enzymes in a pregnancy test

    妊娠試驗酶製劑

  • and cause a false positive.

    並造成假陽性。

  • 100% confirmed.

    100%確認。

  • So after three minutes, your test says pregnant

    所以三分鐘後,你的測試顯示懷孕了

  • but your orchard will not bear fruit

    坐吃山空

  • because your pregnancy test is wrong.

    因為你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

  • Let's say you never drink apple juice.

    比方說你從不喝蘋果汁。

  • The only drink you allow yourself is milk.

    你唯一允許自己喝的是牛奶。

  • You drink it by the gallon 'cause you love a challenge.

    你按加侖喝,因為你喜歡挑戰。

  • But what you don't realize is this cow cream

    但你不知道的是,這個牛油膏。

  • came from a commercial dairy farm

    來自商業奶牛場

  • that, to fulfill milk demands,

    該,以滿足牛奶需求。

  • pumps it's cows full of sex hormones,

    給牛群注入滿滿的性激素。

  • sex hormones that are now inside you

    性激素,現在在你體內

  • and your over-the-counter pregnancy test

    和你的非處方妊娠測試

  • is not equipped to tell the difference

    不具備區分

  • between human and cow hCG.

    人和牛的hCG之間。

  • Here Comes Gizzum versus here's Cow Gizzum.

    吉祖姆來了對牛吉祖姆來了。

  • So when your pregnancy test says pregnant,

    所以當你的驗孕報告顯示懷孕時。

  • you have no idea that it's bovine, not baby.

    你不知道那是牛的,不是嬰兒的。

  • Your pregnancy test is wrong.

    你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

  • Let's say there's nothing wrong with your urine.

    就說你的尿液沒什麼問題吧。

  • It's a 10 out of 10 piss.

    這是個10分的小便。

  • So, when your test result says pregnant,

    所以,當你的測試結果顯示懷孕時。

  • you're sure it's correct, but the piss is not the problem.

    你確定這是正確的,但小便不是問題。

  • It's the product, because your pregnancy test is expired.

    是產品的問題,因為你的驗孕棒已經過期了。

  • You got it at a local pharmacy staffed by teens

    你在當地的藥店買到的,藥店裡的工作人員都是十幾歲的孩子。

  • and teens aren't going to restock the shelves.

    和青少年是不會補貨上架的。

  • They're too busy watching TikToks.

    他們忙著看TikToks.

  • Your perfect piss is all for not

    你的完美小便都是為了不

  • because your pregnancy test is dead.

    因為你的驗孕棒壞了。

  • Okay, let's say you're done

    好吧,讓我們說你完成了。

  • with over-the-counter pregnancy tests.

    與非處方妊娠測試。

  • I get it, too risky.

    我明白了,太冒險了。

  • You go to the gyno, get an ultrasound.

    你去婦科,做個B超。

  • And on that table, it's irrefutable.

    而在這張表上,這是無可辯駁的。

  • You hear a heartbeat.

    你聽到了心跳聲。

  • Except what you fail to tell

    除了你沒有說的

  • your gyno is you just joined a gang.

    你的婦產科是你剛剛加入了一個團伙。

  • And for the initiation, they made you swallow a goldfish,

    而作為入門儀式,他們讓你吞下一條金魚。

  • made you chase it with a Skinny Girl margarita,

    讓你用瘦妹子瑪格麗特酒追趕它。

  • which is mostly water.

    其中大部分是水。

  • So your fish is alive and kicking.

    所以你的魚還活著,還在踢。

  • That heartbeat you hear is not a neonate's.

    你聽到的心跳聲不是新生兒的。

  • It's Nemo's.

    是尼莫的

  • You're not pregnant, but Nemo is with a thousand babies.

    你沒有懷孕,但尼莫卻有一千個孩子。

  • You're going to give birth to officious children.

    你會生出不吉利的孩子。

  • So yes, your pregnancy test is wrong.

    所以是的,你的驗孕報告是錯誤的。

  • It's just a matter of when and how.

    只是時間和方式的問題。

  • Let's say you avoid all the errors

    假設你避免了所有的錯誤

  • while taking your pregnancy test.

    在進行孕檢時。

  • It's still important to know how

    還是要知道如何

  • to properly read the results.

    以正確讀取結果。

  • Most people don't realize that a pregnancy test

    大多數人都不知道,懷孕測試

  • should be read like a magic eye poster

    應為魔眼海報

  • To properly read a result,

    要正確讀取結果。

  • you must first take the test right up to your eyes,

    你必須先把測試對準你的眼睛。

  • let them loosen and almost go cross eyed.

    讓他們鬆懈下來,幾乎要橫眉冷對。

  • And then slowly move the test back away from your eyes.

    然後慢慢地把測試從眼睛上移開。

  • What first looked like a one pink not pregnant line

    最開始看起來像一條粉紅色的不懷孕線

  • is actually a rocket ship.

    其實是一艘火箭飛船。

  • Simply consult the legend

    只需查閱圖例

  • on the inside of the pregnancy box.

    孕盒內側的。

  • And if you buy a box that gives you two pregnancy tests,

    如果你買了一盒,給你兩次孕檢。

  • that doesn't mean you're getting an extra test.

    這並不意味著你得到一個額外的測試。

  • That means it's one test that requires two sticks.

    也就是說,這是一次測試,需要兩根棍子。

  • You must take both at once

    你必須同時服用兩個

  • and then apply the rules of algebra.

    然後運用代數規則。

  • A positive and a negative result

    正面和負面的結果

  • means your test is negative.

    意味著你的測試是陰性的。

  • And a positive and a positive result

    而且是一個積極的、正面的結果

  • means your test is positive.

    意味著你的測試呈陽性。

  • But a negative and the negative result

    但是,否定和否定的結果

  • means your test is positive.

    意味著你的測試呈陽性。

  • And if your pharmacy is out of pregnancy tests,

    而如果你的藥店沒有驗孕棒了。

  • thermometers work just as well.

    溫度計也一樣可以使用。

  • Simply place it under your armpit and wait.

    只需將其放在腋下等待即可。

  • (thermometer beeps) Ah, 98 degrees.

    啊,98度。

  • Not only do I know I'm pregnant,

    我不僅知道自己懷孕了。

  • I also know that the father is Nicholas Lachey.

    我還知道,父親是尼古拉斯-拉奇。

  • I'm Doctor Expert Natasha Vainblock

    我是醫生專家Natasha Vainblock。

  • and your worst fear has been confirmed.

    你最擔心的事情已經被證實了。

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你的驗孕報告錯了嗎?- 你最擔心的事情被證實了 (Is Your Pregnancy Test Wrong? - Your Worst Fears Confirmed)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 02 月 07 日
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