- Is your pregnancy test wrong?

- 你的驗孕報告有誤嗎？

100%.

100%.

And here's how.

而這裡的方法。

The US Office of Women's Health

美國婦女健康辦公室

states that traditional pregnancy tests are 99% accurate.

表示，傳統的孕檢準確率高達99%。

But then again, women love to exaggerate.

不過話說回來，女人都喜歡誇張。

Pregnancy tests work by testing your urine

懷孕測試是通過測試你的尿液來進行的。

for the hormone hCG, which stands for his Cum Got ya.

為荷爾蒙hCG，這代表他的Cum Got ya。

So as long as you urinate

所以只要你小便

on the stick, the test will detect the pregnancy hormone

在棒子上，測試會檢測出懷孕激素。

unless you accidentally dilute your urine

除非你不小心把尿液稀釋了

because you've got Paruresis, shy bladder syndrome.

因為你得了腮腺炎，羞澀的膀胱綜合症。

Nothing to be ashamed of,

沒什麼好羞愧的。

20 million other Americans are currently pee bashful.

目前還有2000萬美國人尿臊。

So, to make your piss flow confidently,

所以，要讓自己的小便自信地流出來。

you chug two gallons of water.

你喝了兩加侖的水。

And it works.

而且它的工作。

Your piss sprays like champagne at Gatsby's house.

你的尿液就像香檳一樣噴灑在蓋茨比的家裡。

Only problem is you've unknowingly

唯一的問題是，你在不知不覺中...

flushed all the hCG pregnancy hormone out of your system.

將所有的hCG妊娠激素從你的系統中沖走。

The test reads not pregnant, but it's a lie.

測試結果顯示沒有懷孕，但這是個謊言。

In nine months, you won't be the only one pissing

九個月後，你就不是唯一一個尿尿的人了。

because your pregnancy test is wrong.

因為你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

Let's say your piss is perfectly concentrated.

比方說你的尿液完全濃縮了。

So when your test reads not pregnant,

所以當你的測試結果顯示沒有懷孕時。

it should be accurate.

它應該是準確的。

Unless your boyfriend's sperm has low motility.

除非你男友的精子活動力低。

Happens to seven percent of men.

發生在7%的男性身上。

And it means the shlong jelly moves

而它的意思是，shlong jelly移動

at a significantly slower pace.

速度明顯放慢。

So even though you've waited the recommended amount of time

所以，即使你已經等待了建議的時間量

to take the test,

來參加考試。

eight weeks, it's actually too early.

八週，其實太早了。

His trouser gravy is still sliding up your cervix.

他的褲頭肉汁還在你的子宮頸上滑動。

Your test says not pregnant

你的測試顯示沒有懷孕

but in nine months his bonk juice will have turned

但九個月後，他的 "邦克 "汁液就會變成... ...

into your baby because your pregnancy test was wrong.

因為你的驗孕報告出了錯，所以你的孩子才會被送進你的肚子裡。

Let's say your boyfriend's man chowder isn't slow

比方說，你男朋友的男人大雜燴不慢。

and you have no problem peeing on command.

而你在命令下撒尿也沒有問題。

Very cool.

非常酷。

But you've got a narrow urethra

但你的尿道口很窄啊

which means your piss is more of a Polick,

這意味著你的小便更多的是波利克。

less of a Rothko, which is why you have to piss in a cup,

少了一個羅斯科，這就是為什麼你要在杯子裡撒尿。

dunk your tester stick in a mug

泡湯

filled with your liquid gold.

充滿了你的液體黃金。

But you're not only a messy pee-er,

但你不僅是個亂撒尿的人。

you're also a messy cleaner

你也是個掃把星

and your cup is covered in apple juice

你的杯子裡都是蘋果汁

and the sugars in apple juice interfere

和蘋果汁中的糖分干擾了

with the enzymes in a pregnancy test

妊娠試驗酶製劑

and cause a false positive.

並造成假陽性。

100% confirmed.

100%確認。

So after three minutes, your test says pregnant

所以三分鐘後，你的測試顯示懷孕了

but your orchard will not bear fruit

坐吃山空

because your pregnancy test is wrong.

因為你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

Let's say you never drink apple juice.

比方說你從不喝蘋果汁。

The only drink you allow yourself is milk.

你唯一允許自己喝的是牛奶。

You drink it by the gallon 'cause you love a challenge.

你按加侖喝，因為你喜歡挑戰。

But what you don't realize is this cow cream

但你不知道的是，這個牛油膏。

came from a commercial dairy farm

來自商業奶牛場

that, to fulfill milk demands,

該，以滿足牛奶需求。

pumps it's cows full of sex hormones,

給牛群注入滿滿的性激素。

sex hormones that are now inside you

性激素，現在在你體內

and your over-the-counter pregnancy test

和你的非處方妊娠測試

is not equipped to tell the difference

不具備區分

between human and cow hCG.

人和牛的hCG之間。

Here Comes Gizzum versus here's Cow Gizzum.

吉祖姆來了對牛吉祖姆來了。

So when your pregnancy test says pregnant,

所以當你的驗孕報告顯示懷孕時。

you have no idea that it's bovine, not baby.

你不知道那是牛的，不是嬰兒的。

Your pregnancy test is wrong.

你的懷孕測試是錯誤的。

Let's say there's nothing wrong with your urine.

就說你的尿液沒什麼問題吧。

It's a 10 out of 10 piss.

這是個10分的小便。

So, when your test result says pregnant,

所以，當你的測試結果顯示懷孕時。

you're sure it's correct, but the piss is not the problem.

你確定這是正確的，但小便不是問題。

It's the product, because your pregnancy test is expired.

是產品的問題，因為你的驗孕棒已經過期了。

You got it at a local pharmacy staffed by teens

你在當地的藥店買到的，藥店裡的工作人員都是十幾歲的孩子。

and teens aren't going to restock the shelves.

和青少年是不會補貨上架的。

They're too busy watching TikToks.

他們忙著看TikToks.

Your perfect piss is all for not

你的完美小便都是為了不

because your pregnancy test is dead.

因為你的驗孕棒壞了。

Okay, let's say you're done

好吧，讓我們說你完成了。

with over-the-counter pregnancy tests.

與非處方妊娠測試。

I get it, too risky.

我明白了，太冒險了。

You go to the gyno, get an ultrasound.

你去婦科，做個B超。

And on that table, it's irrefutable.

而在這張表上，這是無可辯駁的。

You hear a heartbeat.

你聽到了心跳聲。

Except what you fail to tell

除了你沒有說的

your gyno is you just joined a gang.

你的婦產科是你剛剛加入了一個團伙。

And for the initiation, they made you swallow a goldfish,

而作為入門儀式，他們讓你吞下一條金魚。

made you chase it with a Skinny Girl margarita,

讓你用瘦妹子瑪格麗特酒追趕它。

which is mostly water.

其中大部分是水。

So your fish is alive and kicking.

所以你的魚還活著，還在踢。

That heartbeat you hear is not a neonate's.

你聽到的心跳聲不是新生兒的。

It's Nemo's.

是尼莫的

You're not pregnant, but Nemo is with a thousand babies.

你沒有懷孕，但尼莫卻有一千個孩子。

You're going to give birth to officious children.

你會生出不吉利的孩子。

So yes, your pregnancy test is wrong.

所以是的，你的驗孕報告是錯誤的。

It's just a matter of when and how.

只是時間和方式的問題。

Let's say you avoid all the errors

假設你避免了所有的錯誤

while taking your pregnancy test.

在進行孕檢時。

It's still important to know how

還是要知道如何

to properly read the results.

以正確讀取結果。

Most people don't realize that a pregnancy test

大多數人都不知道，懷孕測試

should be read like a magic eye poster

應為魔眼海報

To properly read a result,

要正確讀取結果。

you must first take the test right up to your eyes,

你必須先把測試對準你的眼睛。

let them loosen and almost go cross eyed.

讓他們鬆懈下來，幾乎要橫眉冷對。

And then slowly move the test back away from your eyes.

然後慢慢地把測試從眼睛上移開。

What first looked like a one pink not pregnant line

最開始看起來像一條粉紅色的不懷孕線

is actually a rocket ship.

其實是一艘火箭飛船。

Simply consult the legend

只需查閱圖例

on the inside of the pregnancy box.

孕盒內側的。

And if you buy a box that gives you two pregnancy tests,

如果你買了一盒，給你兩次孕檢。

that doesn't mean you're getting an extra test.

這並不意味著你得到一個額外的測試。

That means it's one test that requires two sticks.

也就是說，這是一次測試，需要兩根棍子。

You must take both at once

你必須同時服用兩個

and then apply the rules of algebra.

然後運用代數規則。

A positive and a negative result

正面和負面的結果

means your test is negative.

意味著你的測試是陰性的。

And a positive and a positive result

而且是一個積極的、正面的結果

means your test is positive.

意味著你的測試呈陽性。

But a negative and the negative result

但是，否定和否定的結果

means your test is positive.

意味著你的測試呈陽性。

And if your pharmacy is out of pregnancy tests,

而如果你的藥店沒有驗孕棒了。

thermometers work just as well.

溫度計也一樣可以使用。

Simply place it under your armpit and wait.

只需將其放在腋下等待即可。

(thermometer beeps) Ah, 98 degrees.

啊，98度。

Not only do I know I'm pregnant,

我不僅知道自己懷孕了。

I also know that the father is Nicholas Lachey.

我還知道，父親是尼古拉斯-拉奇。

I'm Doctor Expert Natasha Vainblock

我是醫生專家Natasha Vainblock。

and your worst fear has been confirmed.

你最擔心的事情已經被證實了。