字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 (crowd cheering) - Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give them back. (audience laughs) (upbeat techno music) - [Announcer] The following is a presentation of HB.O Sports. (upbeat music) Fall has begun and the Tosh.0 team returns to the office, rejuvenated after the off season. (upbeat music) - Tuck in your shirt! (audience laughing) - [Announcer] But not everyone on staff has maintained peak physical condition. Head writer, Nick Malice, has come to camp 20 pounds overweight. Tosh knows he must handle the situation delicately. - You are fat as (beep). (audience laughs) - [Announcer] Tosh wastes no time putting his staff through its paces. - Except for me, I'm sure you are all a little rusty. So let's get to work. - [Announcer] After four seasons and countless internet videos, the team struggles to find the right clips. - We're never gonna use that on the show. That's not for us. No! Idiots. No. Come on, up your game. No! Nobody cares about produce. You know what? Send me that link. - [Announcer] Improvement is needed and Tosh's impossibly high standards cause some to crack under the pressure. - Let's go, keep going, dig, dig, dig, write, write, write, give me something! Come on, come on! Dig deep! (audience laughing) There you go! Write, write! (upbeat music) (audience laughing) - Why are you guys coming forward? Don't you know how to jog in place? Come on, knees up. - [Announcer] With tape day approaching, Tosh attempts to motivate his team with some inspiring words. - Piss poor effort from every one of you excluding me. If we do that next week, sons of anarchy is gonna destroy us in the 18 to 24 male demo. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Then play like it matters. Hit the showers. (upbeat music) (audience laughing) (upbeat music) - [Announcer] After a tense morning, Tosh brightens the mood with some lighthearted hazing of the rookie writers. (audience laughing) But things get serious when it's time to make the first cut-off camp. - Come on in, have a seat. You know what this is, right? We're letting you go. Now this isn't the end for you. - I gotta call my grandma. (audience laughing) - Call your grandma, weirdo. - Hold on. The problem is you write in cursive. I don't like to read cursive. No one likes to read cursive. I'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your marker. - It's been a pleasure working for you. - Okay. You gotta go. (audience laughing) Where was this? - [Announcer] With team morale at an all time low and tension mounting, Tosh hits the studio early for the final pre-season episode. - And three, two, one. - Welcome back to Tosh.0 - Perfect. - Second string. Don't be too funny. - [Announcer] Veteran backup host, Dom Herrera, can't wait for his last shot at green-screen glory. - Comedy Central doesn't feel that I appeal to younger demographic. Tell that to the 18 year old twins I fingered last night. (audience laughing) - [Announcer] For Daniel Tosh, each new day means a chance to improve. Despite the fame, women, money, cars, men, world tours, cartoon shows, Goldman Sachs accounts and designer dogs, Tosh is still the last one out of the door each night. It's the only way he knows. (audience applauds) (upbeat music) - [Commentator] (indistinct) for his first (indistinct) win since 2014. (whistle blows) - I got it, I got it! (audience laughing) - Could be worse. She could have been at Baylor. That's Ashley and if we go to the replay, we will see that she did not have it. This is what happens when you're on the sideline at the Auburn LSU game and you think you can share kickoffs from a Lou Groves Award finalist. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) We interrupt our normal hysterical show with a "Tosh.0 sclusive". (audience laughing) I have just received an illegal copy of New England Patriot's owner, Robert Kraft's, sex tape. (audience oohs) Airing it will hopefully get me blackballed from show business. I've been told by my legal dream team it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. So here it is, for your Emmy consideration, the Robert Kraft sex tape. - [Announcer] ESPN, with the express written consent of the NFL, presents the 30 for 30 documentary, "Ejacugate". (audience laughing) - Stunning charge, the billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft, - Caught up in a sex sting in South Florida, - Soliciting prostitution, - Robert Kraft paid a prostitute. - Human trafficking, - Paying for and receiving sex. He was twice videotaped. (audience laughing) - A billionaire flew from Boston to Jupiter, Florida to be jerked off by some 40 something woman in a strip mall hours before the AFC championship game. I can't even imagine the sick shit he was doing before the (indistinct) round. - Orchids is pretty filthy, but it's the second nicest jerk shack in Jupiter. Probably wouldn't go there if it weren't so close to my favorite liquor store. (speaking in foreign language) (audience laughing) - What this boils down to is human sex trafficking. The New England Patriots support human sex trafficking. - It is what it is. It is what it is. - I've had it up to here! Spygate, Deflategate, Aaron Hernandez, Russell Wilson throwing the Super Bowl and now Bob Kraft's rub and tug? Boston doesn't want the Patriots anymore. I hope he sells the team to OKC. - He wore six rings and said things like, "I'm the Patriot's owner Robert Kraft." Which made it real easy to identify him. - Because I'm a Dolphins fan, people are gonna call me a hater. You're right. I hate human sex trafficking. I also hate the people of New England, but not as much as I hate human sex trafficking. - Before the massage, he insisted that the masseuse kiss his championship rings. Bam, bam, bam! (beep) balls on that mother (beep)! (audience laughing) (speaking in foreign language) - And I got to his office fully prepared to suck his (beep). - Mr. Kraft wasn't able to achieve an erection until the sex worker put on a Tom Brady jersey. (audience laughing) As I stated in my report, it wasn't a firm erection, it was more like a raw chicken tender. (speaking in foreign language) - I am a season ticket holder. So in a way I feel like I have been paying for these hand jobs. (speaking in foreign language) - You don't wanna go in the room at the Robert Kraft. No! It smells like something died in his balls. - Human sex trafficking! - I thank God we didn't get audio. (audience laughing) - It bothered me a lot more a long time ago. Now after 17 years of it, I have healthy boundaries. - The last 20 years have been forever tainted, might as well give back the rings. At least we got our chowder and the socks down at the harbor with the wicked Matt Damon. (audience laughing) Sam Adams! Two! - When you come to Florida, look at our alligators, enjoy our space program, but don't jizz on victims of human sex trafficking. - I lost my family. - I'll tell you who really got jerked off that day, every young football fan. I mean in a roundabout way, Bob Kraft jerked off children. That's his legacy. - [Announcer] Next week on 30 for 30, what if I told you Mark Wahlberg spent 45 days in prison for robbing and blinding a Vietnamese man. Derek Jeter presents, "Mark Walberg Did a Hate Crime." (audience laughing) - Did I mentioned humans sex trafficking? When the real tape inevitably comes out, I vow to air it every single week until I'm canceled. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) (audience cheering) - Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give him back. (audience laughs) Now you know why they call them special teams. (audience laughing) No, he doesn't play for the Raiders. He plays for the Las Vegas Cobras, a semi-pro football team where you get none of the fame and fortune, but all of the higher risk for Parkinson's. (audience laughing) If your job requires you to wear a helmet, nobody should expect you to be mentally sharp. He tackled his own teammate, big deal, it's not like he shot himself or a dog, or been a strip club bouncer, or smoked a sticky icky icky. Oh Ricky! Or is Ray J's wiener cousin. (audience laughing and clapping) You have to be willing to forgive. I don't care if they read at a fifth grade level, if you can read a defense and not blow my three game parlay, you're okay in my book. It's a violent game with serious consequences. Playing football qualifies you for only three things later in life, coaching football, analyzing football or successfully murdering your ex-wife and her boyfriend. (audience laughing) Corey was just a kid chasing his dreams in front of an announced crowd of 79 in a Vegas middle school. (audience laughing) So we brought him to LA to give him another chance to smear the (beep) in this week's web redemption. - Corey!. - Hey, how you doing? - What's up? Just out here in my game jersey. - Oh really? - Yeah.