WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE

今晚為您帶來的是《日記》的節目，我們正在進行的是

SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.

提交給我們的八年級科學項目。

I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.

我希望我們得到一個好成績。

WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME

當我們最終走出這個困境的時候，會有一些。

PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.

我再也不想聽到的句子。

LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY

如 "社會距離 "或 "嚴峻的里程碑 "或 "ZOOM HAPPY"。

HOUR."

小時。"

IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.

它既是ZOOM也是HAPPY。

PICK A SIDE.

挑個邊。

BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,

但我們離陽光的到來還有很長的路要走。

BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS

因為昨天，全球確診的冠狀病毒的總人數

CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN

案件突破1億，其中近四分之一發生在美國。

THE UNITED STATES.

美國：

WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.

他確實做到了 "美國第一 "的事情。

WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.

我們本該問它屬於什麼類別的。

BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%

但這並不奇怪，我們有4%。

OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE

25%的案件是因為

PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,

上一篇 笨蛋總管稱對病毒的擔憂是個騙局。

PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.

推銷庸醫，並嘲笑人們戴面具。

IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:

這是自1929年以來最糟糕的公共衛生資訊。

PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!

胡佛總統說："不要害怕西菲利斯，PARD'NER!

REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."

"真正的牛仔騎著赤膊上陣。"

HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!

胡佛，遠比我記憶中的性積極！

BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON

但鎮上來了個新警長，我會趕上你的。

HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:

他的計劃在今晚的 "捕捉第三波"。

ENDLESS BUMMER."

無盡的繁華。"

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

勿戴口罩 勿洗手

♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

不知道你的面具不洗你的手。

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

勿戴口罩 勿洗手

♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.

不要穿你的面具。

NAILED IT!

搞定了！

JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.

叫我科維德-範-貝特霍文就好了。

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

哇哦，哇哦，哇哦！

WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?

你為什麼會得到那個東西？

IS THAT A CATAPULT?

那是導火索嗎？

>> Stephen: YES.

>> 史蒂芬：是的。

>> OKAY, OKAY!

>> OKAY，OKAY！

( LAUGHTER ).

（笑）：

>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT

>> 史蒂芬：我想知道今晚的預算用了多少？

INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF

在建造這架降落傘的時候，他們給那個人送了一箱的 "小禮物"。

STEAKS.

STEAKS：

YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO

昨天，比登總統宣佈了一個重大的變化，即："我們的目標是：讓我們的生活更美好。

AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.

美國的COVID計劃。有一個。

THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING

最令人振奮的消息：聯邦政府正在買入...

ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS

足夠的額外劑量為3億美國人接種疫苗。

BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.

暑期結束前。

SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY

所以明年的萬聖節，熱辣的服裝將是性感的。

NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.

正常的人說你好。

THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.

他們是性感的，因為他們可以握手。

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

但這還不是全部。

BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE

BIDEN還承諾說，疫苗的總金額為：

THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10

他們得到的將從860萬上升到至少1000萬。

MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.

從下週開始，每週一百萬元。

THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,

這意味著下週2月2日，土撥鼠節。

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL將走出他的洞穴，並得到。

VACCINATED!

接種了！

NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.

現在，他可以在他的影子的六英尺範圍內。

GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE

獲得更多的疫苗是很好的，但我們真的需要重新檢查。

THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,

我們給它們的方式，特別是在菲利普斯。

WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS

他們在哪裡做了錯誤的A-DISY讓大學的孩子們

DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.

分發疫苗，結果是一場災難。

WELL, YEAH!

嗯，是的！

THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE

大學裡的孩子們唯一擅長分配的東西就是

ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.

超級FRISBEE簽到表和H.P.V.

APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A

市政府似乎將疫苗監督工作外包給了一家公司。

STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD

被稱為 "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID "的創業公司，由一個22歲的年輕人經營。

C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM

行政長官，履歷中包括教授高中電影課。

CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND

類，製作視頻的人龍舟，和。

PRACTICING PARKOUR.

練習跑步。

SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED

所以，他沒有資格管理衛生保健，但他有資格。

TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.

和你的前女友約會。

NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.

不出所料，事情沒有那麼順利。

LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS

當地老人發現預約後，淚流滿面。

THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.

他們做了不會受到尊敬的。

NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.

現在，這可能會影響這些孩子的職業前景。

( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT

（作為採訪者）"我看到在'最近的'下。

EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.

經驗，"它說 "完成和使老年人哭泣。

WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.

歡迎來到FACEBOOK！"這不是唯一的問題。

WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP

當他們在進行疫苗簽收工作時，該集團也在進行疫苗簽收工作。

SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,

轉為盈利模式並增加了隱私政策。

ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.

允許它出售用戶的個人資料。

OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!

好吧，但他們的使用國稅局幾乎都是老年人!

WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?

誰在找買那個用戶數據，大巴特斯奇？

ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?

ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED？

THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?

控制步入式浴缸的全球暗盒？

I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.

我想要一個步入式浴缸，順便說一下。

THOSE LOOK AWESOME.

這些都是真棒。

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

你知道我的意思嗎？

DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.

足夠深的地方，滴水不漏。

NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS

不僅是這個創業公司是一個重大的災難，C.E.O.吮吸。

MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE

主要的，因為，據說，他個人把疫苗藏起來了。

DOSES.

劑量：

NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.

現在，我們都知道他們需要保持在零下90度。

BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD

但我確定他們被安全地運到了兩個冰冷的地方。

NATTY LIGHTS.

NATTY LIGHTS。

NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS

現在，夥計們，我們已經有了一個新的主席，和他的其中一個

BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.

最大的工作是清理最後一個人的錯誤。

SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN

所以，今天，比登與俄羅斯人打了第一通電話。

PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE

主席和拼寫蜜蜂調製器警告

CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR

參賽者，所有的單詞將是 "波洛尼姆"，弗拉基米爾。

PUTIN.

普京：

REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO

據報道，比登向普京提出了關於克雷姆林的努力的問題。

INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED

干預美國選舉和俄羅斯提供的報道。

BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

在阿富汗殺美國士兵的土匪。

WOW!

哇！

THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

那... ... 那是很好聽的。

I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A

我想知道是否有一個名字來形容這種與人對話的方式。

RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.

俄國領導人：>>完美的電話。

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

>> 史蒂芬：謝謝你，公民。

NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE

現在，比登與普京談話是一個重大的新聞，在許多方面，該。

BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!

最重要的是我們知道它！

THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE

上一任總統隱瞞了他的每一次談話內容

HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN

與普京相處，曾經說過 "在他的普京身上發生了什麼"。

MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF

會議是'不關我們的事'，他佔有了。

THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT

他自己的口譯員的筆記，並訓示林格夫不。

TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE

討論發生了什麼變化，"甚至 "摧毀了"。

TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."

譯者注："譯者注："譯者注："

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!

這一點都不可疑！

IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS

就像一個丈夫說："親愛的，我的企業度假是... ...

GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.

偉大的，沒有發生什麼事 與我的助手珍妮弗。

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE

現在，如果你能原諒我，我刪除我的INSTAGRAM，改變。

MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."

我的名字，並得到一個鏡頭的penicillin。"

JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I

喬伊-比登將美國的外交政策帶回我的時代。

CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.

只能說是 "美國 "的外交政策。

AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...

我會在我的新欄目中告訴你更多，回到... ...

>> NORMS!

>> 諾姆斯！

>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,

>> 現在，你可能會說，你可能會說。就在那裡。

"THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"

"這是NORM從'歡呼'，但誰是其他的傢伙？"

THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'

那是諾姆-維納，貝卡-維納的父親，我們的作家之一。

ASSISTANTS.

助理：

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A

非常重要的是，對於 "NORMS "來說，其中一個NORMS是一個。

NORMAL NORM.

正常情況下，正常情況下。

NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?

現在，在他們的電話裡... ... 我解釋過了嗎？

OKAY, GOOD.

好的，好的。

IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER

在他們的通話中，比登還帶著普京去找電腦。

HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN

我們政府的黑客，以及普京對俄羅斯人的態度

OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK

反對派領袖和剛剛在高領毛衣上被甩掉的人。

FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.

時尚秀，ALEXEI NAVALNY。

NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION

海軍被毒害，其中許多人懷疑是暗殺。

ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.

克里姆林法庭下令進攻。

YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS

是的，他們懷疑一個因殺害政治對手而聞名的傢伙。

OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.

試圖殺死他的政治對手。

IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD

這是《經典棋盤》新俄文版的一部分。

GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."

遊戲，"線索：普京做到了。"

HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.

他們是如何做到的。

REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN

據報道，普京的刺客在他的體內安放了一個致命的神經毒劑。

NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.

海軍陸戰隊的內褲。

THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!

他們想用他的緊身白襯衫殺了他！

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."

這就是你穿上 "墳墓的果實 "的後果。

NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT

海軍返回俄羅斯後被關進了監獄，但那是

HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.

沒有讓他沉默。

RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED

在他被捕後不久，海軍就發佈了一段視頻，題為

"PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION

"普京的宮殿"，將普京的腐敗歸結為他的13億美元

PALACE.

宮殿：

NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT

現在，一個政府官員有這樣的想法聽起來很糟糕。

KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON

現金，但請記住，普京節省了大量的錢在

SHIRTS.

襯衫：

THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.

這部視頻在第一週就獲得了1億多YOUTUBE的觀看量。

AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS

它展示了超乎尋常的功能，如這個奢侈的。

THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.

劇院配有分層絨布宴會廳座椅。

THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.

這將是一個艱難的遊戲空間。

"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT

"嘿，你聽說過那個偉大的總統的故事嗎？

THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?

大家都愛他嗎？

THAT'S MY TIME.

這是我的時間。

PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE

請給你的服務員小費，然後再去找他打球。

MORNING.

早晨。

IT'S CROSSBOWS."

它的十字弓。"

THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A

該複合體還具有一個帶鋸齒的HOOKAH條，並有一

STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN

舞臺上有一個上升的帶狀杆，一個豪華的卡西諾，一個

OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN

室外的希臘高音喇叭，和這個綠色的小丘，容納了一個。

UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.

地下曲棍球場，有自己的螺旋槳。

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK

因為你不可能從你的私人戶外希臘旅行。

AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA

擴音器到您的地下冰球場，通過

HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.

HOVERCRAFT像一些動物。

BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE

但他真的是 "普京"，在他那瘋狂的私人空間裡的RITZ上。

APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,

公寓，有一個巨大的四張單人床。

GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND

鍍金天花板，和粘稠的金飾和金箔。

CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.

到處都有小天使的雕塑。

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?

你知道什麼是樂趣嗎？

YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST

你甚至沒有注意到，半途而廢，我只是...

SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING

從顯示口述者的化合物轉為顯示口述者的化合物。

OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.

我們的老總統辦公室。

BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.

但他還是遵循著那句老話："為你想要的工作而裝飾"。為你想要的工作而裝飾。

SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL

說到腐敗的政權，一位前行政官員說

IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT

是真的有一個艱難的時間，因為我們剛剛學會了。

MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.

邁克-彭斯無家可歸。

OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.

哦，那不能是漂亮的。

( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE

"女士們，先生們，你們好！

"F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.

"F "列車，它是表演時間。

HIT IT, MOTHER.

打它，媽媽。

A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE

A-5-6-7-8:我們在天上的教父，請讓這些人... ...

BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.

請購買我們的糖果棒。

MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."

母親，工作的電線杆。"

AND SCENE.

和場景。

THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE

問題是，自從彭斯有了免費的政府住宿後，他就開始了他的工作。

LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.

在過去的四年裡，前VEEP沒有房子。

SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,

所以，當筆者搬出副總統的住處時，

THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

他們無處可去。

THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.

這就是MIKE PENCE和他那虛幻的老闆之間的關係

HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT

他是如此執著於謊言，他們已經被打敗了比登，以至於

HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.

他沒有任何計劃在哪裡住。

THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO

這就像 "泰坦尼克號 "把救生艇扔掉一樣

HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"

有更多的空間來畫 "不沉 "這個詞！

BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.

但他們不在大街上。

THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH

據報道，PENCES是COUCH SURFING的方式通過

INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM

印第安納州，這也是最糟糕的海灘男孩專輯的標題。

EVER.

永遠。

WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:

當被問到為什麼要這麼做時，彭斯的回答很簡單。

>> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

>> 我無處可去了！

>> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

>> 史蒂芬：他看起來很好，看起來很好。

LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU

讓朋友撞在你的教練席上不是什麼大事，直到你的朋友撞上你的教練席。

CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.

考慮到筆者仍然有祕密服務保護。

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,

"非常感謝你的招待，史蒂夫，但是，對不起。

BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY

在您進入廚房之前，您必須先做洞房。

SEARCHED."

搜索。"

BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.

但找一個地方住應該不是那麼困難。

I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE

我可以想到成千上萬的傢伙 誰願意與邁克掛起了

PNCE.

PNCE：

RIGHT, FELLAS?

對吧，FELLAS？

>> HANG MIKE PENCE!

>> 懸掛邁克-彭斯！

HANG MIKE PENCE!

懸掛邁克-彭斯！

HANG MIKE PENCE!

懸掛邁克-彭斯！

HANG MIKE PENCE!

懸掛邁克-彭斯！

>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.

>> 史蒂芬：足夠近了。

PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A

彭斯並不是唯一一個有 "黑客 "之稱的總統。

BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.

一段艱難的時期。

SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE

MYPILLOW創始人MIKE LINDELL也在這裡出現了

INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.

不適當地接觸僱員；

LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED

林德爾在過去的幾個月裡，一直在做著被拆遷的工作。

CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST

關於選民舞弊的陰謀論，督促最後一次投票

ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND

頒佈婚姻法的行政部門應繼續執政，以及

HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."

有MYPILLOW網站提供的折扣代碼，如 "QANON"。

I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY

我猜林德爾認為背叛你的國家會有好處吧？

OFF.

關。

REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE

讓我想起了本尼迪克特-阿諾德把我們出賣給...

BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.

英國人購買一套搖搖樂重量可獲85折優惠。

LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND

上週，J.C.PENNEY放棄了MYPILLOW，同時也放棄了KOHL'S 和