Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you for watching.

Well, guys, we are now officially

one week into Joe Biden's presidency,

and for the first time in a while,

a week actually felt like a week.

-[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

Yep, Biden's already been in office for a week.

Time sure does fly when you're not doom-scrolling

through Twitter till 4:00 a.m. [ Laughter ]

Right now, liquor stores are like,

"Where the hell did everybody go? Hey!"

[ Laughter ]

In one week, we've gone from insurrection

to cool and collected,

anarchy to no malarkey,

drinking bleach to boring speech.

You know, it's been a ride. [ Laughter and applause ]

I'll take it. And this is interesting --

even though Biden has only been on the job for seven full days,

his initial approval rating is higher than Trump's ever was.

-Ah. -Whoo!

Yeah. I'm pretty sure, by the end,

Trump's approval rating was hovering around

the temperature that you have to store the Pfizer vaccine.

[ Laughter ]

Meanwhile, Trump was like, "Yeah.

But if you ask militia members on the no-fly list,

my numbers are through the roof."

[ Laughter ]

Well, Rudy Giuliani is back in the headlines again

with more bad news.

YouTube just confirmed that they're suspended --

they have suspended Rudy from making money

off the ads that play before his videos.

I didn't even know Rudy was on YouTube.

[ Laughter ]

Let's take a look at what he's doing over there.

-If you want a good cigar, go to a good cigar shop.

-[ Laughing ] What?

-If you want the best, go to Famous Smoke Shop.

American Hartford Gold is the company you can trust

when it comes to buying gold.

Order Omega XL now and get a second bottle free.

Earbuds from Raycon --

because they connect my Bluetooth seamlessly

and you're not having to untangle...

-What?! -Wait.

...all these headphone wires. [ Laughter ]

-Wait. Quick question. -Is that real?

-Quick question --

who's buying earbuds 'cause Rudy Giuliani recommends them?

[ Laughter and applause ] -That was real?

-Yeah, it's real.

-For real? -That's real.

Seriously, what happened to Rudy?

I mean, he's gone from QAnon to QVC.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Apparently, Rudy's so desperate for cash,

he's gonna let Exxon start drilling his head for oil.

-Ohh! -Wow.

-Actually, I don't know if it's true.

that's what I heard. [ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, some business news -- this is a good one here --

today, Kraft Heinz announced its new pink, candy-flavored

macaroni and cheese for Valentine's Day.

-Hm. -Take a look at this.

-Oh, my God. -Oh, God!

-Mmm. Candy-flavored pasta.

[ Italian accent ] Just like Mama used to make.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Normal voice ] Even the Olive Garden looked at that

and said, "Ah, that ain't right."

[ Laughter ] Can we see it again?

-Mnh-mnh. -No.

-I'm 99% sure that's what custodians throw on the floor

after a kid barfs.

[ Laughter ] I -- I -- I -- I -- I --

Can we just see it one qu-- I just got to look at it again.

Yeah. -Ew.

-They even have a good name for it -- Pepto-Bis-Mac.

[ Laughter ]

But this is funny -- so, later this year,

the Postal Service is going to release

a new series of "Star Wars" stamps.

I never thought I'd have to lick C-3PO to pay my cable bill,

but here we are. [ Laughter ]

When he saw the news, Jimmy Carter was like,

"I've never been on a stamp, but by all means,

let's give one to R2-D2."

[ Laughter ]

Well, this is exciting --

Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey

just finished the track

for its 130-foot-high Jersey Devil Coaster.

And when it opens,

it'll be the world's tallest, fastest, and longest

single-rail coaster.

Of course, since it's New Jersey,

your hair's got to be this tall to ride.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

It's nice that they added a new roller coaster.

The other roller coasters in that park are so old,

they still have ashtrays.

[ Laughter ]

"[Exhales sharply] Does this thing go upside down?"

[ Laughter ]

Get this -- I read that, 'cause of the pandemic,

New Yorkers can now order scratch-off tickets online

and have them delivered right to their house.

I'm not -- I'm not sure I love this idea.

One of my favorite New York traditions

was waiting in line with my lunch

while the guy ahead of me took 15 minutes to pick out tickets.

"Give me the three Lucky 7's.

I'll do, uh, two Birthday Bucks.

I want the, uh, BOGGLE Cashword

and, uhhh... five Tic Tac Snows."

[ Laughter ]

"Well, you touched the sixth one.

Give me six of them. Why not?"

[ Laughter ]

"Go with sixes -- that's the secret.

These are scratch-offs.

Every sixth one is a winner."

[ Laughter ]

"But that's the fourth one, so give me two more.

Give me eight tickets.

And that starts the six again."

[ Laughter ]

What?

[ Laughter ]

And finally, some news from overseas --

China has rolled out an anal swab coronavirus test...

-Ohh, ohh, come on. [ Laughter ]

-...saying it's more accurate than the throat method.

It's more accurate, but it's still being called

the number-two test. -Ah!

[ Drums play ] [ Laughter and applause ]

And for even more accuracy,

they do a nasal swab and an anal swab

until they touch in the middle. -No! Aah!