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  • -Thank you very much. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Thank you for being here. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you for watching.

  • Well, guys, we are now officially

  • one week into Joe Biden's presidency,

  • and for the first time in a while,

  • a week actually felt like a week.

  • -[ Laughs ] [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, Biden's already been in office for a week.

  • Time sure does fly when you're not doom-scrolling

  • through Twitter till 4:00 a.m. [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, liquor stores are like,

  • "Where the hell did everybody go? Hey!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In one week, we've gone from insurrection

  • to cool and collected,

  • anarchy to no malarkey,

  • drinking bleach to boring speech.

  • You know, it's been a ride. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I'll take it. And this is interesting --

  • even though Biden has only been on the job for seven full days,

  • his initial approval rating is higher than Trump's ever was.

  • -Ah. -Whoo!

  • Yeah. I'm pretty sure, by the end,

  • Trump's approval rating was hovering around

  • the temperature that you have to store the Pfizer vaccine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Trump was like, "Yeah.

  • But if you ask militia members on the no-fly list,

  • my numbers are through the roof."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, Rudy Giuliani is back in the headlines again

  • with more bad news.

  • YouTube just confirmed that they're suspended --

  • they have suspended Rudy from making money

  • off the ads that play before his videos.

  • I didn't even know Rudy was on YouTube.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's take a look at what he's doing over there.

  • -If you want a good cigar, go to a good cigar shop.

  • -[ Laughing ] What?

  • -If you want the best, go to Famous Smoke Shop.

  • American Hartford Gold is the company you can trust

  • when it comes to buying gold.

  • Order Omega XL now and get a second bottle free.

  • Earbuds from Raycon --

  • because they connect my Bluetooth seamlessly

  • and you're not having to untangle...

  • -What?! -Wait.

  • ...all these headphone wires. [ Laughter ]

  • -Wait. Quick question. -Is that real?

  • -Quick question --

  • who's buying earbuds 'cause Rudy Giuliani recommends them?

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -That was real?

  • -Yeah, it's real.

  • -For real? -That's real.

  • Seriously, what happened to Rudy?

  • I mean, he's gone from QAnon to QVC.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Apparently, Rudy's so desperate for cash,

  • he's gonna let Exxon start drilling his head for oil.

  • -Ohh! -Wow.

  • -Actually, I don't know if it's true.

  • that's what I heard. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • Oh, some business news -- this is a good one here --

  • today, Kraft Heinz announced its new pink, candy-flavored

  • macaroni and cheese for Valentine's Day.

  • -Hm. -Take a look at this.

  • -Oh, my God. -Oh, God!

  • -Mmm. Candy-flavored pasta.

  • [ Italian accent ] Just like Mama used to make.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Even the Olive Garden looked at that

  • and said, "Ah, that ain't right."

  • [ Laughter ] Can we see it again?

  • -Mnh-mnh. -No.

  • -I'm 99% sure that's what custodians throw on the floor

  • after a kid barfs.

  • [ Laughter ] I -- I -- I -- I -- I --

  • Can we just see it one qu-- I just got to look at it again.

  • Yeah. -Ew.

  • -They even have a good name for it -- Pepto-Bis-Mac.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is funny -- so, later this year,

  • the Postal Service is going to release

  • a new series of "Star Wars" stamps.

  • I never thought I'd have to lick C-3PO to pay my cable bill,

  • but here we are. [ Laughter ]

  • When he saw the news, Jimmy Carter was like,

  • "I've never been on a stamp, but by all means,

  • let's give one to R2-D2."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, this is exciting --

  • Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey

  • just finished the track

  • for its 130-foot-high Jersey Devil Coaster.

  • And when it opens,

  • it'll be the world's tallest, fastest, and longest

  • single-rail coaster.

  • Of course, since it's New Jersey,

  • your hair's got to be this tall to ride.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • It's nice that they added a new roller coaster.

  • The other roller coasters in that park are so old,

  • they still have ashtrays.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "[Exhales sharply] Does this thing go upside down?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Get this -- I read that, 'cause of the pandemic,

  • New Yorkers can now order scratch-off tickets online

  • and have them delivered right to their house.

  • I'm not -- I'm not sure I love this idea.

  • One of my favorite New York traditions

  • was waiting in line with my lunch

  • while the guy ahead of me took 15 minutes to pick out tickets.

  • "Give me the three Lucky 7's.

  • I'll do, uh, two Birthday Bucks.

  • I want the, uh, BOGGLE Cashword

  • and, uhhh... five Tic Tac Snows."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Well, you touched the sixth one.

  • Give me six of them. Why not?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Go with sixes -- that's the secret.

  • These are scratch-offs.

  • Every sixth one is a winner."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "But that's the fourth one, so give me two more.

  • Give me eight tickets.

  • And that starts the six again."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, some news from overseas --

  • China has rolled out an anal swab coronavirus test...

  • -Ohh, ohh, come on. [ Laughter ]

  • -...saying it's more accurate than the throat method.

  • It's more accurate, but it's still being called

  • the number-two test. -Ah!

  • [ Drums play ] [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And for even more accuracy,

  • they do a nasal swab and an anal swab

  • until they touch in the middle. -No! Aah!

-Thank you very much. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

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吉米(Biden’s Approval Rating Is Higher Than Trump’s Ever Was | The Tonight Show)

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    何育廷 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 28 日
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