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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

    >> Stephen:嗨,大家好!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

    歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

    我是你的主播,史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

  • TODAY WAS THE FIRST FULL DAY ON THE JOB FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN.

    今天是比登主席上任後的第一個全天。

  • OH -- OH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT DOES FEEL GOOD ON THE TONGUE --

    哦... 哦,我得說,這確實是感覺很好的舌頭 -

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN.

    比登主席:

  • IT'S LIKE LICKING FROSTING RIGHT OFF THE SPATULA.

    就像在鏟子上舔霜一樣。

  • (OVER-ARTICULATING) PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER

    (過熱)PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER(過熱)。

  • BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO.

    BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO。

  • THE FIRST DAY OF ANY JOB IS STRESSFUL, ESPECIALLY WHEN

    任何工作的第一天都是緊張的,尤其是在以下情況下。

  • YOU'RE THE NEW MANAGER, AND THE LAST GUY GOT CALLED INTO HR

    你是新經理,最後一個人被叫進了人力資源部。

  • FOR "INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TREASONING."

    對於 "不正當的工作場所財物"。

  • HE WAS ME-COUP'D.

    他是我的伴侶。

  • BUT THIS NEW ADMINISTRATION HAS AN UNPRECEDENTED TO-DO LIST,

    但是,這個新的行政機構有一個無預設的待辦事項清單。

  • WHICH BIDEN LAID OUT IN HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS: THE VIRUS,

    這是比登在就職演說中提出的。病毒:

  • CLIMATE CHANGE, GROWING INEQUALITY, RACISM, AMERICA'S

    氣候變化, 日益加劇的不平等, 種族主義, 美利堅合眾國

  • GLOBAL STANDING, AND AN ATTACK ON TRUTH AND DEMOCRACY.

    全球立場,以及對真理和民主的攻擊。

  • IT'S LIKE THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, WITH TWO

    這就像新的四騎士的啟示錄,與兩個

  • BONUS HORSES!

    額外的馬!

  • YOU'VE GOT WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, DEATH, PLUS GLOBAL

    你已經有了戰爭,飢餓,瘟疫,死亡,再加上全球性的。

  • WARMING, AND YOUR UNCLE CARL.

    暖,和你的卡爾叔叔。

  • THE HORSE IN THE LEAD IS PESTILENCE.

    領頭的馬是瘟疫。

  • BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC IS WORSE THAN EVER.

    因為恐慌症比以往任何時候都嚴重。

  • YESTERDAY, THE U.S. RECORDED THE SECOND HIGHEST NUMBER OF COVID

    昨天,美國創下了第二高的錄像數量。

  • DEATHS EVER, AND RIGHT NOW, AMERICANS ARE DYING FASTER OF

    有史以來的死亡,而現在,美國人死得更快。

  • COVID-19 THAN OUR SOLDIERS DID IN WORLD WAR II.

    比我們的阿兵哥在第二次世界大戰中的表現還要好。

  • ONLY TO WIN THAT CONFLICT, WE HAD TO GET THE FASCISTS OUT OF

    為了贏得這場衝突,我們必須把法西斯趕出去。

  • THE GERMAN CAPITAL.

    德國首都:

  • SO TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED TEN EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO GET HIS

    所以今天,比登總統簽署了十項行政命令,讓他的。

  • PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING, INCLUDING A REQUIREMENT FOR MASKS WHILE

    PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING,包括對面具的要求。

  • TRAVELING, STUDIES AND TRIALS OF COVID-19 TREATMENTS, AND MORE

    COVID-19療法的旅行、研究和試驗,以及更多內容

  • PUBLIC DATA ON CASES AND VACCINATIONS.

    關於病例和疫苗的公開數據:

  • IT'S A NEW STRATEGY THE WHITE HOUSE IS CALLING "OPERATION:

    白宮稱之為 "行動 "的新策略。

  • WELL, DUH!" ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER IS AIMED AT

    好吧,咄!"一項行政命令的目標是:

  • MAKING IT SAFER TO GO TO WORK, BY DIRECTING OSHA TO PUBLISH

    通過訓示OSHA公佈,使上班更安全。

  • WORKER SAFETY GUIDELINES.

    工人安全指南;

  • THAT MEANS MASKS IN BREAK ROOMS, HAND SANITIZER AT THE DOORWAYS,

    這意味著在休息室的口罩,門口的洗手液。

  • AND CHIPOTLE WILL CANCEL ITS POPULAR "BOBBING FOR GUAC."

    和CHIPOTLE將取消我流行的 "BOBBING FOR GUAC"。

  • "YES, IT'S EXTRA."

    "是的,這是額外的。"

  • AND THE BEST PART IS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO KEEP

    最重要的是,比登政府將繼續保持。

  • US INFORMED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WITH REGULAR EXPERT-LED

    告知我們他們正在做的事情,並提供定期的專家指導。

  • SCIENCE-BASED PUBLIC BRIEFINGS.

    以科學為基礎的公共簡報。

  • WHICH WILL BE A NICE CHANGE FROM MORON-LED, CLOROX-BASED,

    這將是一個很好的變化,從MORON-LED,CLOROX-BASED。

  • DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS.

    DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS。

  • TODAY, WE HEARD FROM A MAN SO DEDICATED TO PROPER

    今天,我們聽到了一個人如此執著地致力於公益事業。

  • STERILIZATION TECHNIQUES THAT HE'S THE ONLY ONE TO EMERGE FROM

    他是唯一一個從這裡走出來的人。

  • THE LAST ADMINISTRATION NOT COVERED IN THE STENCH OF

    最後一個未被列入《聯合國憲章》的政府。

  • FAILURE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

    FAILURE, DR.ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • FAUCI SAYS HE'S GETTING ONE SPECIFIC QUESTION ABOUT THE NEW

    FAUCI說他得到了一個關於新的具體問題。

  • COVID STRAINS THAT HAVE APPEARED IN THE U.K. AND SOUTH AFRICA.

    在英國和南非出現的COVID病毒。

  • >> WHAT IS IT ABOUT THESE MUTANTS THAT YOU ARE HEARING

    >> 你聽到的這些變種人是怎麼回事?

  • ABOUT?

    關於?

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONING FOR THE

    >> 好吧,這聽起來像是他在為 "我 "做試音。

  • NEXT "X-MEN" MOVIE.

    下一部《X戰警》電影。

  • (AS FAUCI) "WHAT ARE THESE MUTANTS WE HEAR

    (AS FAUCI) "我們聽到的這些變種人是什麼?"。

  • ABOUT?

    關於?

  • WHY WON'T PROFESSOR X RELEASE HIS STUDENT BODY LIST?

    為什麼X教授不公佈他的學生名單?

  • IF HE'S GOT RAZOR-SHARP KNIVES IN HIS HANDS, WHY DOESN'T

    如果他的手有鋒利的刀,為什麼沒有?

  • WOLVERINE HAVE A CLOSER SHAVE?

    狼獾有一個更接近的鬍子?

  • ONE GUY'S NAME IS CYCLOPS AND HE'S GOT TWO EYES?

    一個人的名字叫CYCLOPS,他有兩隻眼睛?

  • NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!" NEXT QUESTION.

    這一切都沒有意義!"下一個問題。

  • FAUCI TOUCHED ON HOW THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE DIFFERS FROM THE

    FAUCI談比登白宮如何區別於以往的白宮。

  • LAST ONE, AND HE THREW SOME SHADE.

    最後一個,他扔了一些陰影。

  • >> ONE OF THE NEW THINGS IN THIS ADMINISTRATION, IF YOU DON'T

    >> 本屆政府的新事物之一,如果你不知道。

  • HAVE THE ANSWER, DON'T GUESS.

    有答案,不要猜。

  • JUST SAY YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

    就說你不知道答案。

  • >> STEPHEN: DR. FAUCI?

    >> 博士:FAUCI?

  • MORE LIKE DOCTOR OUCH-IE!

    更多的是像ochie醫生!

  • BECAUSE THAT WAS A BURN!

    因為那是一次燒傷!

  • ME-YOW!

    我--哇!

  • YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP AN ANSWER

    你不需要編造答案。

  • TO "HOW DOES TONY FEEL ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT," BECAUSE THE

    對 "TONY對前任主席有何看法 "的問題,因為...。

  • D.N.A. TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

    D.N.A. TEST TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

  • THE GOOD DOCTOR MADE IT CLEAR, HE IS GLAD TO BE DONE DEALING

    好醫生說得很清楚,他很高興結束交易。

  • WITH THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.

    與上屆政府一起。

  • >> I TAKE NO PLEASURE AT ALL IN BEING IN A SITUATION OF

    >> 我對處於這樣的境地一點也不感到高興。

  • CONTRADICTING THE PRESIDENT.

    對抗主席,

  • SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD ACTUALLY

    所以這真的是一件你不覺得你能做的事嗎?

  • SAY SOMETHING AND THERE WOULDN'T BE REPERCUSSIONS ABOUT IT.

    說點什麼,就不會有評論了。

  • THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU

    你可以站在這裡談論你的想法。

  • KNOW AND WHAT THE EVIDENCE-- WHAT THE SCIENCE IS, AND KNOW

    知道什麼是證據--什麼是科學,知道

  • THAT'S IT.

    這就是它。

  • LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

    讓科學說話。

  • IT IS SOMEWHAT OF A LIBERATING FEELING.

    它是某種程度上的一種解放的感覺。

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, HE CAN JUST LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

    >> 沒錯,他可以讓科學來說話。

  • FOR EXAMPLE: NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM.

    例如:自然厭惡真空。

  • AND LIKE A VACUUM, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION SUCKED.

    就像一個吸塵器一樣,前一屆政府很糟糕。

  • MEOW!

    喵!

  • EVEN THOUGH THE LAST PRESIDENT CLEARLY WASN'T IMPLEMENTING

    儘管上一任總統顯然沒有執行。

  • THEIR VACCINATION PLAN VERY WELL, BIDEN'S TEAM WERE HESITANT

    他們的疫苗接種計劃非常好,比登的團隊是猶豫的

  • TO CRITICIZE THEM, BECAUSE THEY WERE "ALREADY HAVING A HARD TIME

    責備他們,因為他們 "已經過了一段艱難的日子"。

  • GETTING CRITICAL INFORMATION AND COOPERATION FROM THE OUTGOING

    從即將到來的會議上獲得關鍵資訊和合作。

  • ADMINISTRATION."

    行政管理。"

  • THEY HAD TO BE NICE SO WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THE PREVIOUS FOLKS

    他們必須是好的,所以當他們到了那裡,以前的人,

  • WOULD LEAVE THEM THEIR PLAN!

    會把他們的計劃留給他們!

  • WELL, YESTERDAY, BIDEN'S TEAM GOT THE PLAN, AND THEY FOUND OUT

    好了,今天,比登的團隊得到了計劃,而且他們發現了

  • THAT PLAN IS NON-EXISTENT.

    這個計劃是不存在的。

  • SO THEY NEVER HAD A PLAN TO FIX THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS

    所以他們從來沒有計劃解決最嚴重的公共衛生危機。

  • IN A CENTURY?

    在一個世紀裡?

  • THAT'S LIKE IF THE "OCEANS 11" HEIST KICKED OFF WITH GEORGE

    這就像如果 "海洋11 "搶劫案是由喬治開始的一樣

  • CLOONEY SAYING THIS: >> THIS IS THE VAULT AT THE

    CLOONEY說這。>> 這是在VAULT

  • BELLAGIO.

    BELLAGIO.

  • I GOT NOTHING.

    我什麼都沒有。

  • LET'S GO!

    我們走吧!

  • >> OKAY.

    >> OKAY。

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT ASSISTANCE IS ON THE WAY, BECAUSE NOW, AMAZON IS

    >> 不過,援助正在路上,因為現在,亞馬遜是。

  • OFFERING TO HELP WITH VACCINE DISTRIBUTION.

    願意幫助分發疫苗。

  • THANK GOD!

    謝天謝地!

  • I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A THREE-FOOT BOX THAT JUST HAS ONE SYRINGE

    我等不及要買一個三尺長的盒子,只有一個彈簧的盒子

  • RATTLING AROUND.

    吵吵鬧鬧。

  • OR BETTER YET, FIRE UP ONE OF THOSE DRONES AND LET IT SHOOT A

    或者更好的是,啟動這些無人機中的一個,並讓它拍攝一個。

  • NEEDLE DIRECTLY INTO MY NECK!

    直接在我的脖子上扎針!

  • UNTIL AMAZON IS READY, JUST TO GET THE VACCINE, PEOPLE ARE

    在亞馬遜準備好之前,只要拿到疫苗,人們就會。

  • TAKING EXTREME RISKS.

    冒著極大的風險。

  • BY WHICH I MEAN, GOING TO FLORIDA.

    我的意思是,去佛羅里達州。

  • PEOPLE FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE ARE COMING TO FLORIDA TO GET

    州外的人都來佛羅里達州找工作了

  • VACCINATED, AN ISSUE THAT'S BEING CALLED VACCINE TOURISM.

    VACCINATED,一個問題,被稱為 疫苗旅遊。

  • IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY TYPES OF FLORIDA-SPECIFIC TOURISM.

    這只是佛羅里達州特色旅遊的眾多類型之一。

  • YOU'VE GOT "THEME PARK" TOURISM, "GOLF" TOURISM, AND "DIVORCED

    你有 "主題公園 "旅遊,"高爾夫 "旅遊,和 "離婚"。

  • DAD REALLY GETTING INTO A JIMMY BUFFET PHASE."

    爸爸真的進入了一個JIMMY BUFFET階段。"

  • IT'S POSSIBLE THIS VACCINE TOURISM IS ACTUALLY THE RESULT

    這可能是這種疫苗旅遊是實際上的結果。

  • OF A HUGE OVERSIGHT, BECAUSE UNDER THE STATE'S CURRENT

    因為根據國家目前的政策,我認為這是一個巨大的疏忽。

  • VACCINATION PLAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FROM FLORIDA IN ORDER

    疫苗接種計劃,您不必從佛羅里達州來,也可以接種。

  • TO GET A VACCINE.

    去打針。

  • SEEMS LIKE CHECKING AN ADDRESS WOULD BE IMPORTANT BEFORE

    似乎檢查一個地址是很重要的之前

  • HANDING OUT A VACCINE.

    遞出疫苗。

  • YOU DON'T SEE STRIP CLUB BOUNCERS CHECKING I.D.S AND

    你沒有看到脫衣舞俱樂部的保鏢在檢查身份證和

  • SAYING, "WOW, THIS LOOKS PROFESSIONALLY LAMINATED.

    說,"哇,這看起來專業 LAMINATED。

  • ENJOY THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM, MR. 'JOHN P. LEGAL-AGE'."

    好好享受香榭麗舍吧,先生。JOHN P. LEGAL -AGE。"

  • BUT THE STATE IS CRACKING DOWN, AND NOW PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP FOR

    但國家正在崩潰,現在人們誰出現了對。

  • VACCINES WILL BE ASKED TO SHOW THEIR FLORIDA I.D. IN ORDER TO

    疫苗將被要求出示他們的佛羅里達州身份證,以便接種。

  • GET THE SHOT.

    得到的鏡頭。

  • AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU CAN PROVE

    如果您沒有佛羅里達州的駕照,您可以證明您的駕照。

  • YOUR RESIDENCY BY SHOWING YOUR TRAMP STAMP OF CALVIN AND THE

    通過展示您的卡爾文和他們的旅行印章,您的居住地。

  • TASMANIAN DEVIL PEEING ON THE NAME OF YOUR EX.

    塔斯曼惡魔在你前妻的名字上撒尿。

  • YESTERDAY'S INAUGURATION WAS A ROUGH DAY FOR MEMBERS OF Q-ANON,

    昨天的就職典禮對Q-ANON的成員來說是艱難的一天。

  • WHICH IS A BIZARRE COLLECTION OF ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM

    這是一個瘋狂的收集網上陰謀論的理論,從

  • A COMPLICATED PLOT CONNECTING UF.O.S AND THE ILLUMINATI TO

    將UF.O.S和ILLUMINATI聯繫起來的複雜陰謀。

  • THE CLAIM THAT CERTAIN CELEBRITIES, ENTREPRENEURS AND

    二、關於某些名人、企業家和其他有關人員的索賠的建議

  • POLITICIANS ARE LIZARD PEOPLE DISGUISED IN HUMAN SKIN.

    政治家是披著人皮的蜥蜴人。

  • OF COURSE, SOME OF THE LIZARDMAN SKIN SUITS ARE LESS CONVINCING

    當然,有些蜥蜴人的皮膚套裝不那麼讓人信服了

  • THAN OTHERS.

    比別人多。

  • YOU MAY KNOW OF Q-ANON THANKS TO THEIR EXTENSIVE PRODUCT

    您可能知道Q-ANON,這要歸功於他們豐富的產品。

  • PLACEMENT AT THE CAPITOL RIOT.

    在首都暴動中的安置。

  • Q-ANON CRAZIES TAKE THEIR MARCHING ORDERS FROM A SHADOWY

    Q-非瘋子們從一個陰暗的地方接受他們的行軍令。

  • ONLINE ANONYMOUS FIGURE NAMED "Q."

    網上的匿名人物叫 "Q"。

  • NO ONE KNOWS HIS OR HER, OR ITS REAL NAME, BUT AUTHORITIES HAVE

    沒有人知道他或她或其真名,但權威人士已經。

  • RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF Q WITH TWO CO-CONSPIRATORS.

    發佈了這段Q與同謀的視頻。

  • Q HAS POSTED THOUSANDS OF CRYPTIC MESSAGES SINCE 2017,

    Q自2017年以來,已經發布了數千條CRYPTIC資訊。

  • CLAIMING AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT THE 45TH PRESIDENT WAS SECRETLY

    除其他事項外,還聲稱第45屆主席曾祕密地

  • SPEARHEADING A SPIRITUAL WAR AGAINST AN ELITE CABAL OF

    矛頭指向反對精英集團的精神戰爭。

  • CHILD-EATING SATANISTS WHO CONTROLLED WASHINGTON, HOLLYWOOD

    控制華盛頓、好萊塢的吃小孩的撒旦教徒

  • AND THE WORLD AND WOULD SOON CORRAL HIS ENEMIES FOR MILITARY

    和世界,很快就會因軍事原因將他的敵人繩之以法。

  • TRIBUNALS AND MASS EXECUTIONS IN A SHOW OF FORCE THEY CALLED "THE

    三軍團和大規模處決,在他們所謂的 "武力秀 "中。

  • STORM."

    STORM。"

  • I DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY THOUGHT HE COULD PULL OFF "THE STORM."

    我不知道他們為什麼認為他能把 "風暴 "拉下來。

  • HE CAN'T EVEN CLOSE "THE UMBRELLA."

    他甚至不能關閉 "UMBRELLA。"

  • FOR FOUR YEARS, Q KEPT SAYING "TODAY'S THE DAY," AND THEN

    四年來,Q一直說 "今天是個好日子",然後...

  • NOTHING HAPPENED THAT DAY.

    那天什麼也沒發生。

  • MEANWHILE, THE ONLINE PROMOTERS OF Q'S FAILED PROPHECIES WERE

    與此同時,網上的推廣者的Q的失敗的建議是:。

  • RAKING IN CASH BY SELLING Q-ANON MERCHANDISE.

    通過銷售Q-ANON商品賺取現金。

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY MAKE THEM PAY FOR MERCH.

    我不相信他們讓他們支付的商品。

  • THE BEST CULTS GIVE YOU FREE KOOL-AID AND NIKES.

    最好的崇拜者會給你免費的酷愛和尼克。

  • THE ELECTION PRESENTED A BIT OF PROBLEM FOR Q.

    選舉給阿Q帶來了一些問題。

  • IF THE ALL-POWERFUL GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THE POWERFUL

    如果那個全能的傢伙應該做的是強者的工作