WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

TODAY WAS THE FIRST FULL DAY ON THE JOB FOR PRESIDENT BIDEN.

今天是比登主席上任後的第一個全天。

OH -- OH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THAT DOES FEEL GOOD ON THE TONGUE --

哦... 哦，我得說，這確實是感覺很好的舌頭 -

PRESIDENT BIDEN.

比登主席：

IT'S LIKE LICKING FROSTING RIGHT OFF THE SPATULA.

就像在鏟子上舔霜一樣。

(OVER-ARTICULATING) PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER

(過熱)PREZZZIDENT BIIIDEN NEEEVEER（過熱）。

BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO.

BAAAANKRUPPTED A CAAAASINOO。

THE FIRST DAY OF ANY JOB IS STRESSFUL, ESPECIALLY WHEN

任何工作的第一天都是緊張的，尤其是在以下情況下。

YOU'RE THE NEW MANAGER, AND THE LAST GUY GOT CALLED INTO HR

你是新經理，最後一個人被叫進了人力資源部。

FOR "INAPPROPRIATE WORKPLACE TREASONING."

對於 "不正當的工作場所財物"。

HE WAS ME-COUP'D.

他是我的伴侶。

BUT THIS NEW ADMINISTRATION HAS AN UNPRECEDENTED TO-DO LIST,

但是，這個新的行政機構有一個無預設的待辦事項清單。

WHICH BIDEN LAID OUT IN HIS INAUGURAL ADDRESS: THE VIRUS,

這是比登在就職演說中提出的。病毒：

CLIMATE CHANGE, GROWING INEQUALITY, RACISM, AMERICA'S

氣候變化, 日益加劇的不平等, 種族主義, 美利堅合眾國

GLOBAL STANDING, AND AN ATTACK ON TRUTH AND DEMOCRACY.

全球立場，以及對真理和民主的攻擊。

IT'S LIKE THE NEW FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE, WITH TWO

這就像新的四騎士的啟示錄，與兩個

BONUS HORSES!

額外的馬！

YOU'VE GOT WAR, FAMINE, PESTILENCE, DEATH, PLUS GLOBAL

你已經有了戰爭，飢餓，瘟疫，死亡，再加上全球性的。

WARMING, AND YOUR UNCLE CARL.

暖，和你的卡爾叔叔。

THE HORSE IN THE LEAD IS PESTILENCE.

領頭的馬是瘟疫。

BECAUSE THE PANDEMIC IS WORSE THAN EVER.

因為恐慌症比以往任何時候都嚴重。

YESTERDAY, THE U.S. RECORDED THE SECOND HIGHEST NUMBER OF COVID

昨天，美國創下了第二高的錄像數量。

DEATHS EVER, AND RIGHT NOW, AMERICANS ARE DYING FASTER OF

有史以來的死亡，而現在，美國人死得更快。

COVID-19 THAN OUR SOLDIERS DID IN WORLD WAR II.

比我們的阿兵哥在第二次世界大戰中的表現還要好。

ONLY TO WIN THAT CONFLICT, WE HAD TO GET THE FASCISTS OUT OF

為了贏得這場衝突，我們必須把法西斯趕出去。

THE GERMAN CAPITAL.

德國首都：

SO TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED TEN EXECUTIVE ORDERS TO GET HIS

所以今天，比登總統簽署了十項行政命令，讓他的。

PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING, INCLUDING A REQUIREMENT FOR MASKS WHILE

PANDEMIC PLAN ROLLING，包括對面具的要求。

TRAVELING, STUDIES AND TRIALS OF COVID-19 TREATMENTS, AND MORE

COVID-19療法的旅行、研究和試驗，以及更多內容

PUBLIC DATA ON CASES AND VACCINATIONS.

關於病例和疫苗的公開數據：

IT'S A NEW STRATEGY THE WHITE HOUSE IS CALLING "OPERATION:

白宮稱之為 "行動 "的新策略。

WELL, DUH!" ONE EXECUTIVE ORDER IS AIMED AT

好吧，咄！"一項行政命令的目標是：

MAKING IT SAFER TO GO TO WORK, BY DIRECTING OSHA TO PUBLISH

通過訓示OSHA公佈，使上班更安全。

WORKER SAFETY GUIDELINES.

工人安全指南；

THAT MEANS MASKS IN BREAK ROOMS, HAND SANITIZER AT THE DOORWAYS,

這意味著在休息室的口罩，門口的洗手液。

AND CHIPOTLE WILL CANCEL ITS POPULAR "BOBBING FOR GUAC."

和CHIPOTLE將取消我流行的 "BOBBING FOR GUAC"。

"YES, IT'S EXTRA."

"是的，這是額外的。"

AND THE BEST PART IS, THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS GOING TO KEEP

最重要的是，比登政府將繼續保持。

US INFORMED ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE DOING, WITH REGULAR EXPERT-LED

告知我們他們正在做的事情，並提供定期的專家指導。

SCIENCE-BASED PUBLIC BRIEFINGS.

以科學為基礎的公共簡報。

WHICH WILL BE A NICE CHANGE FROM MORON-LED, CLOROX-BASED,

這將是一個很好的變化，從MORON-LED，CLOROX-BASED。

DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS.

DEXAMETHASONE RAMBLINGS。

TODAY, WE HEARD FROM A MAN SO DEDICATED TO PROPER

今天，我們聽到了一個人如此執著地致力於公益事業。

STERILIZATION TECHNIQUES THAT HE'S THE ONLY ONE TO EMERGE FROM

他是唯一一個從這裡走出來的人。

THE LAST ADMINISTRATION NOT COVERED IN THE STENCH OF

最後一個未被列入《聯合國憲章》的政府。

FAILURE, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

FAILURE, DR.ANTHONY FAUCI.

FAUCI SAYS HE'S GETTING ONE SPECIFIC QUESTION ABOUT THE NEW

FAUCI說他得到了一個關於新的具體問題。

COVID STRAINS THAT HAVE APPEARED IN THE U.K. AND SOUTH AFRICA.

在英國和南非出現的COVID病毒。

>> WHAT IS IT ABOUT THESE MUTANTS THAT YOU ARE HEARING

>> 你聽到的這些變種人是怎麼回事？

ABOUT?

關於?

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S AUDITIONING FOR THE

>> 好吧，這聽起來像是他在為 "我 "做試音。

NEXT "X-MEN" MOVIE.

下一部《X戰警》電影。

(AS FAUCI) "WHAT ARE THESE MUTANTS WE HEAR

(AS FAUCI) "我們聽到的這些變種人是什麼？"。

ABOUT?

關於?

WHY WON'T PROFESSOR X RELEASE HIS STUDENT BODY LIST?

為什麼X教授不公佈他的學生名單？

IF HE'S GOT RAZOR-SHARP KNIVES IN HIS HANDS, WHY DOESN'T

如果他的手有鋒利的刀，為什麼沒有？

WOLVERINE HAVE A CLOSER SHAVE?

狼獾有一個更接近的鬍子？

ONE GUY'S NAME IS CYCLOPS AND HE'S GOT TWO EYES?

一個人的名字叫CYCLOPS，他有兩隻眼睛？

NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!" NEXT QUESTION.

這一切都沒有意義！"下一個問題。

FAUCI TOUCHED ON HOW THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE DIFFERS FROM THE

FAUCI談比登白宮如何區別於以往的白宮。

LAST ONE, AND HE THREW SOME SHADE.

最後一個，他扔了一些陰影。

>> ONE OF THE NEW THINGS IN THIS ADMINISTRATION, IF YOU DON'T

>> 本屆政府的新事物之一，如果你不知道。

HAVE THE ANSWER, DON'T GUESS.

有答案，不要猜。

JUST SAY YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER.

就說你不知道答案。

>> STEPHEN: DR. FAUCI?

>> 博士：FAUCI？

MORE LIKE DOCTOR OUCH-IE!

更多的是像ochie醫生！

BECAUSE THAT WAS A BURN!

因為那是一次燒傷！

ME-YOW!

我--哇！

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE UP AN ANSWER

你不需要編造答案。

TO "HOW DOES TONY FEEL ABOUT THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT," BECAUSE THE

對 "TONY對前任主席有何看法 "的問題，因為...。

D.N.A. TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

D.N.A. TEST TEST CAME BACK AND HE'S 100% THAT (BLEEP)!

THE GOOD DOCTOR MADE IT CLEAR, HE IS GLAD TO BE DONE DEALING

好醫生說得很清楚，他很高興結束交易。

WITH THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION.

與上屆政府一起。

>> I TAKE NO PLEASURE AT ALL IN BEING IN A SITUATION OF

>> 我對處於這樣的境地一點也不感到高興。

CONTRADICTING THE PRESIDENT.

對抗主席，

SO IT WAS REALLY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T FEEL YOU COULD ACTUALLY

所以這真的是一件你不覺得你能做的事嗎？

SAY SOMETHING AND THERE WOULDN'T BE REPERCUSSIONS ABOUT IT.

說點什麼，就不會有評論了。

THE IDEA THAT YOU CAN GET UP HERE AND TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU

你可以站在這裡談論你的想法。

KNOW AND WHAT THE EVIDENCE-- WHAT THE SCIENCE IS, AND KNOW

知道什麼是證據--什麼是科學，知道

THAT'S IT.

這就是它。

LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

讓科學說話。

IT IS SOMEWHAT OF A LIBERATING FEELING.

它是某種程度上的一種解放的感覺。

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT, HE CAN JUST LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK.

>> 沒錯，他可以讓科學來說話。

FOR EXAMPLE: NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM.

例如：自然厭惡真空。

AND LIKE A VACUUM, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION SUCKED.

就像一個吸塵器一樣，前一屆政府很糟糕。

MEOW!

喵！

EVEN THOUGH THE LAST PRESIDENT CLEARLY WASN'T IMPLEMENTING

儘管上一任總統顯然沒有執行。

THEIR VACCINATION PLAN VERY WELL, BIDEN'S TEAM WERE HESITANT

他們的疫苗接種計劃非常好，比登的團隊是猶豫的

TO CRITICIZE THEM, BECAUSE THEY WERE "ALREADY HAVING A HARD TIME

責備他們，因為他們 "已經過了一段艱難的日子"。

GETTING CRITICAL INFORMATION AND COOPERATION FROM THE OUTGOING

從即將到來的會議上獲得關鍵資訊和合作。

ADMINISTRATION."

行政管理。"

THEY HAD TO BE NICE SO WHEN THEY GOT THERE, THE PREVIOUS FOLKS

他們必須是好的，所以當他們到了那裡，以前的人，

WOULD LEAVE THEM THEIR PLAN!

會把他們的計劃留給他們！

WELL, YESTERDAY, BIDEN'S TEAM GOT THE PLAN, AND THEY FOUND OUT

好了，今天，比登的團隊得到了計劃，而且他們發現了

THAT PLAN IS NON-EXISTENT.

這個計劃是不存在的。

SO THEY NEVER HAD A PLAN TO FIX THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS

所以他們從來沒有計劃解決最嚴重的公共衛生危機。

IN A CENTURY?

在一個世紀裡？

THAT'S LIKE IF THE "OCEANS 11" HEIST KICKED OFF WITH GEORGE

這就像如果 "海洋11 "搶劫案是由喬治開始的一樣

CLOONEY SAYING THIS: >> THIS IS THE VAULT AT THE

CLOONEY說這。>> 這是在VAULT

BELLAGIO.

BELLAGIO.

I GOT NOTHING.

我什麼都沒有。

LET'S GO!

我們走吧！

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY。

>> STEPHEN: BUT ASSISTANCE IS ON THE WAY, BECAUSE NOW, AMAZON IS

>> 不過，援助正在路上，因為現在，亞馬遜是。

OFFERING TO HELP WITH VACCINE DISTRIBUTION.

願意幫助分發疫苗。

THANK GOD!

謝天謝地！

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A THREE-FOOT BOX THAT JUST HAS ONE SYRINGE

我等不及要買一個三尺長的盒子，只有一個彈簧的盒子

RATTLING AROUND.

吵吵鬧鬧。

OR BETTER YET, FIRE UP ONE OF THOSE DRONES AND LET IT SHOOT A

或者更好的是，啟動這些無人機中的一個，並讓它拍攝一個。

NEEDLE DIRECTLY INTO MY NECK!

直接在我的脖子上扎針!

UNTIL AMAZON IS READY, JUST TO GET THE VACCINE, PEOPLE ARE

在亞馬遜準備好之前，只要拿到疫苗，人們就會。

TAKING EXTREME RISKS.

冒著極大的風險。

BY WHICH I MEAN, GOING TO FLORIDA.

我的意思是，去佛羅里達州。

PEOPLE FROM OUTSIDE THE STATE ARE COMING TO FLORIDA TO GET

州外的人都來佛羅里達州找工作了

VACCINATED, AN ISSUE THAT'S BEING CALLED VACCINE TOURISM.

VACCINATED，一個問題，被稱為 疫苗旅遊。

IT'S JUST ONE OF THE MANY TYPES OF FLORIDA-SPECIFIC TOURISM.

這只是佛羅里達州特色旅遊的眾多類型之一。

YOU'VE GOT "THEME PARK" TOURISM, "GOLF" TOURISM, AND "DIVORCED

你有 "主題公園 "旅遊，"高爾夫 "旅遊，和 "離婚"。

DAD REALLY GETTING INTO A JIMMY BUFFET PHASE."

爸爸真的進入了一個JIMMY BUFFET階段。"

IT'S POSSIBLE THIS VACCINE TOURISM IS ACTUALLY THE RESULT

這可能是這種疫苗旅遊是實際上的結果。

OF A HUGE OVERSIGHT, BECAUSE UNDER THE STATE'S CURRENT

因為根據國家目前的政策，我認為這是一個巨大的疏忽。

VACCINATION PLAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE FROM FLORIDA IN ORDER

疫苗接種計劃，您不必從佛羅里達州來，也可以接種。

TO GET A VACCINE.

去打針。

SEEMS LIKE CHECKING AN ADDRESS WOULD BE IMPORTANT BEFORE

似乎檢查一個地址是很重要的之前

HANDING OUT A VACCINE.

遞出疫苗。

YOU DON'T SEE STRIP CLUB BOUNCERS CHECKING I.D.S AND

你沒有看到脫衣舞俱樂部的保鏢在檢查身份證和

SAYING, "WOW, THIS LOOKS PROFESSIONALLY LAMINATED.

說，"哇，這看起來專業 LAMINATED。

ENJOY THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM, MR. 'JOHN P. LEGAL-AGE'."

好好享受香榭麗舍吧，先生。JOHN P. LEGAL -AGE。"

BUT THE STATE IS CRACKING DOWN, AND NOW PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP FOR

但國家正在崩潰，現在人們誰出現了對。

VACCINES WILL BE ASKED TO SHOW THEIR FLORIDA I.D. IN ORDER TO

疫苗將被要求出示他們的佛羅里達州身份證，以便接種。

GET THE SHOT.

得到的鏡頭。

AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU CAN PROVE

如果您沒有佛羅里達州的駕照，您可以證明您的駕照。

YOUR RESIDENCY BY SHOWING YOUR TRAMP STAMP OF CALVIN AND THE

通過展示您的卡爾文和他們的旅行印章，您的居住地。

TASMANIAN DEVIL PEEING ON THE NAME OF YOUR EX.

塔斯曼惡魔在你前妻的名字上撒尿。

YESTERDAY'S INAUGURATION WAS A ROUGH DAY FOR MEMBERS OF Q-ANON,

昨天的就職典禮對Q-ANON的成員來說是艱難的一天。

WHICH IS A BIZARRE COLLECTION OF ONLINE CONSPIRACY THEORIES FROM

這是一個瘋狂的收集網上陰謀論的理論，從

A COMPLICATED PLOT CONNECTING UF.O.S AND THE ILLUMINATI TO

將UF.O.S和ILLUMINATI聯繫起來的複雜陰謀。

THE CLAIM THAT CERTAIN CELEBRITIES, ENTREPRENEURS AND

二、關於某些名人、企業家和其他有關人員的索賠的建議

POLITICIANS ARE LIZARD PEOPLE DISGUISED IN HUMAN SKIN.

政治家是披著人皮的蜥蜴人。

OF COURSE, SOME OF THE LIZARDMAN SKIN SUITS ARE LESS CONVINCING

當然，有些蜥蜴人的皮膚套裝不那麼讓人信服了

THAN OTHERS.

比別人多。

YOU MAY KNOW OF Q-ANON THANKS TO THEIR EXTENSIVE PRODUCT

您可能知道Q-ANON，這要歸功於他們豐富的產品。

PLACEMENT AT THE CAPITOL RIOT.

在首都暴動中的安置。

Q-ANON CRAZIES TAKE THEIR MARCHING ORDERS FROM A SHADOWY

Q-非瘋子們從一個陰暗的地方接受他們的行軍令。

ONLINE ANONYMOUS FIGURE NAMED "Q."

網上的匿名人物叫 "Q"。

NO ONE KNOWS HIS OR HER, OR ITS REAL NAME, BUT AUTHORITIES HAVE

沒有人知道他或她或其真名，但權威人士已經。

RELEASED THIS VIDEO OF Q WITH TWO CO-CONSPIRATORS.

發佈了這段Q與同謀的視頻。

Q HAS POSTED THOUSANDS OF CRYPTIC MESSAGES SINCE 2017,

Q自2017年以來，已經發布了數千條CRYPTIC資訊。

CLAIMING AMONG OTHER THINGS THAT THE 45TH PRESIDENT WAS SECRETLY

除其他事項外，還聲稱第45屆主席曾祕密地

SPEARHEADING A SPIRITUAL WAR AGAINST AN ELITE CABAL OF

矛頭指向反對精英集團的精神戰爭。

CHILD-EATING SATANISTS WHO CONTROLLED WASHINGTON, HOLLYWOOD

控制華盛頓、好萊塢的吃小孩的撒旦教徒

AND THE WORLD AND WOULD SOON CORRAL HIS ENEMIES FOR MILITARY

和世界，很快就會因軍事原因將他的敵人繩之以法。

TRIBUNALS AND MASS EXECUTIONS IN A SHOW OF FORCE THEY CALLED "THE

三軍團和大規模處決，在他們所謂的 "武力秀 "中。

STORM."

STORM。"

I DIDN'T KNOW WHY THEY THOUGHT HE COULD PULL OFF "THE STORM."

我不知道他們為什麼認為他能把 "風暴 "拉下來。

HE CAN'T EVEN CLOSE "THE UMBRELLA."

他甚至不能關閉 "UMBRELLA。"

FOR FOUR YEARS, Q KEPT SAYING "TODAY'S THE DAY," AND THEN

四年來，Q一直說 "今天是個好日子"，然後...

NOTHING HAPPENED THAT DAY.

那天什麼也沒發生。

MEANWHILE, THE ONLINE PROMOTERS OF Q'S FAILED PROPHECIES WERE

與此同時，網上的推廣者的Q的失敗的建議是：。

RAKING IN CASH BY SELLING Q-ANON MERCHANDISE.

通過銷售Q-ANON商品賺取現金。

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY MAKE THEM PAY FOR MERCH.

我不相信他們讓他們支付的商品。

THE BEST CULTS GIVE YOU FREE KOOL-AID AND NIKES.

最好的崇拜者會給你免費的酷愛和尼克。

THE ELECTION PRESENTED A BIT OF PROBLEM FOR Q.

選舉給阿Q帶來了一些問題。

IF THE ALL-POWERFUL GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THE POWERFUL

如果那個全能的傢伙應該做的是強者的工作