welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"，大家好!

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

Well, guys, next week, President Trump is planning

好了，夥計們，下週，特朗普總統打算

to leave the White House for Palm Beach

離開白宮去棕櫚灘

on the morning of Inauguration Day

就職日上午

and he's asked for a large crowd

而他要求的是人多勢眾

and a big, military-style sendoff.

並舉行了盛大的軍事式歡送會。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah. Trump wants a big farewell.

是啊，特朗普想要一個大的告別。特朗普想來個大告別。

He's even requested a red carpet, live music,

他甚至要求走紅地毯，現場音樂。

and Rudy Giuliani to be launched from a cannon.

和魯迪-朱利安尼用大炮發射。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

It's going to be quite a day. A bunch of Trump supporters

這將是相當精彩的一天。一群特朗普的支持者

in Washington, D.C.

在華盛頓特區

What could possibly go wrong?

會有什麼問題呢？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Trump wants to assemble a large crowd

沒錯，特朗普要召集一大群人。

to remind everyone of his legacy --

提醒大家注意他的遺產 --

completely ignoring the coronavirus.

完全忽略了冠狀病毒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump's basically that annoying friend

特朗普基本上是那個煩人的朋友。

who keeps dropping hints that they want a surprise party.

誰一直在暗示他們想要一個驚喜派對。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ As Trump ] Can't believe Wednesday is

[作為特朗普] 不敢相信，週三是。

my last day.

我的最後一天。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And I've been really getting into listening to vinyl records.

而我也一直在聽黑膠唱片。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump wants a big send-off, but, as of now,

是的，特朗普想大肆送行，但是，截至目前。

the only thing they have planned

他們唯一的計劃

is an awkward office party with a cake that says...

是一個尷尬的辦公室派對，蛋糕上寫著... ...

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Yeah, Trump is expecting a big military presence.

是啊，特朗普正期待著大舉駐軍。

Officials would be like,

官員們會像。

"Yes, sir, the, uh,

"是的，先生，那個，呃。

Space Force is doing a s-space parade.

太空部隊正在進行太空閱兵。

You just can't see it from here.

你只是不能從這裡看到它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Apparently, Trump wants all his favorite

顯然，特朗普希望所有他最喜歡的

military officials to be there --

軍事官員將在那裡 -

generals, colonels, captains, admirals.

將軍、上校、上尉、上將；

I think we actually have a photo.

我想我們真的有一張照片。

Yeah, there you go.

是啊，你去那裡。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Imagine what he'd ask for if he won the election.

想象一下，如果他贏得選舉，他會要求什麼。

[ As Trump ] I wanted stealth fighters.

我要的是隱形戰機。

I want zebras.

我想要斑馬。

I want a cement truck demolition derby.

我想來一場水泥車拆遷德比。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Really been getting into vinyl records.

真的很喜歡黑膠唱片。

[ Laughter ] Listening.

[笑]聽。

This is interesting -- since Biden and Trump will be

這很有趣 -- 因為拜登和特朗普將是。

in different places for the inauguration,

在不同的地方舉行就職典禮。

they each will have a suitcase holding the nuclear codes.

他們每個人都會有一個手提箱，裡面裝著核密碼。

But, once Biden takes the oath,

但是，一旦拜登宣誓。

Trump's codes will deactivate. Yeah.

特朗普的密碼會失效。是啊 Yeah.

What's crazy is that the guy we don't trust to be on Twitter

最瘋狂的是，我們不信任的傢伙是在Twitter上的

is still carrying around the nuclear codes.

仍在攜帶核密碼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

There's no way Trump still has a briefcase

特朗普不可能還帶著公文包的

with the actual nuclear codes.

與實際的核密碼。

I'm sure, years ago, someone switched it out

我相信，多年前，有人把它換掉了。

with one of the briefcases from "Deal or No Deal"

與 "交易或不交易 "中的一個公文包在一起

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ As Trump ] 32.

[作為特朗普] 32。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Meanwhile, I heard that Trump is still deciding

同時，我聽說特朗普還在決定。

whether he'll carry on the presidential tradition

他是否會繼承總統的傳統？

of writing a letter to his successor

寫信給他的繼承人

and leaving it on the Resolute Desk.

並將其放在堅決臺。

I'm not sure how much wisdom Trump has to offer.

我不知道特朗普有多少智慧。

So far, Trump's only "advice" to Biden is

到目前為止，特朗普給拜登的唯一 "忠告 "就是

to call dibs on the Lincoln Bedroom before Jill.

在吉爾之前叫停林肯臥房。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"No, no, we actually sleep in the same --"

"不，不，我們其實睡在同一個--"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

My guess is, instead of a letter,

我的猜測是，而不是一封信。

Trump's going to pull a "Sex and the City"

特朗普要上演 "慾望都市 "了。

and leave a Post-It that says...

並留下一張便籤紙，上面寫著... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is nice -- Melania is leaving Jill Biden

但這很好 -- 梅拉尼婭要離開吉爾-拜登了

the same letter Michelle Obama left for her.

就是米歇爾-奧巴馬留給她的那封信。

Isn't that sweet?

是不是很甜蜜？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ] Isn't that sweet?

[掌聲] 是不是很甜蜜？

Speaking of Biden moving into the White House,

說到拜登搬進白宮。

there are reports that he may have to leave

據悉，他可能要離開

his Peloton bike behind,

他的Peloton自行車在後面。

since it has a camera and microphone

因為它有攝像頭和麥克風

that could be hacked.

可以被黑客攻擊的。

Even hackers were like,

連黑客都喜歡。

[ Slavic accent ] "If you think we want to watch

[斯拉夫口音]"如果你認為我們想看的是

old man sweat and grunt

汗牛充棟

to REO Speedwagon,

到REO Speedwagon。

you're very mistaken."

你大錯特錯了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Actually, I forgot the White House even had a gym.

其實，我忘了白宮還有健身房。

For the last four years, it's just been a place

在過去的四年裡，它只是一個地方。

to hide from the president.

躲避總統。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Some sports news -- the NFL playoffs

一些體育新聞--NFL季後賽。

continue this weekend

本週末繼續

and one matchup everyone is excited about is

而大家都很期待的一場比賽是

Tom Brady versus Drew Brees,

湯姆-布雷迪對陣德魯-布里斯。

the two oldest quarterbacks in the league.

聯盟中最老的兩個四分衛。

They're already wishing each other good luck.

他們已經在互相祝願對方好運了。

Today, Brady called Brees and was like, "Break a hip."

今天，布雷迪打電話給佈雷斯，就像 "打破一個臀部"。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, instead of Bud Light and Doritos commercials,

是啊，而不是百威啤酒和多力多滋的廣告。

there are going to be just a bunch of commercials

將會有隻是一堆廣告

for the UroClub.

為尿道俱樂部。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Hell!

-見鬼！

-Yeah, those guys are so old, when they see Patrick Mahomes,

-是啊，這些傢伙都老了， 當他們看到帕特里克・馬霍姆斯。

they just pinch his cheeks.

他們只是捏他的臉頰。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Alright, listen to this -- I saw is

好吧，聽這個 - 我看到的是

the 20th anniversary of Wikipedia.

維基百科20週年紀念日。

At least, I think it is.

至少，我認為是這樣。

I'm not sure because I read it on Wikipedia.

我不確定，因為我是在維基百科上看到的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's amazing -- in just 20 years,

太神奇了 -- 僅僅20年時間。

Wikipedia has written 20 trillion high school essays.

維基百科寫了20萬億篇高考作文。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, Tom Brady and Drew Brees were like,

同時，湯姆-布雷迪和德魯-佈雷斯就像。

"Back in my day, if we want to know something,

"在我那個年代，如果我們想知道一些事情。

we had to Ask Jeeves."

我們不得不問傑維斯。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, police in Argentina

最後，阿根廷的警察

raided a swingers party, but, when they showed up,

突襲了一個蕩婦派對，但是，當他們出現的時候。

the swingers thought the cops were strippers.

蕩婦們以為警察是脫衣舞娘。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

It didn't help when the cops were like, "Alright,

它沒有幫助，當警察是這樣的，"好吧，。

we can do this the easy way

輕車熟路

or the hard way." [ Laughter ]

或困難的方式。"[笑聲]