I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特。

I hope you're all staying warm.

我希望你們都能保持溫暖。

I got a nice toast.

我有一個很好的吐司。

A cup of coffee.

一杯咖啡

Here.

給你

You guys need anything?

你們需要什麼嗎？

Can I get you guys anything?

你們需要什麼嗎？

You wanna bring the dessert tray around or anything?

你要不要把甜點盤子帶過來什麼的？

Guys, you're good.

夥計們，你們是好樣的。

All right.

好吧，我知道了

Thanks so much.

謝謝你了

I'm just gonna drop this right here.

我只是要去把這個在這裡。

You know, whenever you're ready.

你知道，只要你準備好了。

No rush.

在趕。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

I'm here all night now, folks, like all of you, I'm deeply worried about the disease sweeping this country.

我現在整晚都在這裡，夥計們，和你們一樣，我對席捲這個國家的疾病深感擔憂。

Fascism and covert.

法西斯主義和隱蔽。

But one play at a time, please.

但請一次只玩一次。

The house did their part to inoculate democracy yesterday when they impeached the president.

昨天，眾議院彈劾總統，為民主接種盡了一份力。

I'll tell you all about what happens next in tonight's edition of Don and the Giant Impeach to go fast.

今晚的《唐人街探案》和《巨人彈劾》中，我會告訴大家接下來會發生什麼，讓大家快快去看。

Were furious.

是憤怒的。

I'm a racist.

我是個種族主義者

What a schmuck.

真是個笨蛋。

I waas I'm stuck.

我想我被卡住了。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了

How long does he How long does he stay up there?

他在上面呆多久？

I don't know.

我不知道。

Does this go on indefinitely?

這種情況是否會無限期地持續下去？

If I don't talk, Okay.

如果我不說，好吧。

After he incited, I assumed he would leave after he incited the assault on our nation's capital.

他煽動後，我以為他煽動襲擊我國首都後會離開。

It only took a week for the house to impeach the President.

眾議院彈劾總統只用了一個星期。

Nancy Pelosi explained the rush.

南希-佩洛西解釋說，急。

He must go.

他必須去。

He is a clear and present danger to the nation that we all love all love, Nancy.

他對我們所熱愛的國家來說，是一個明顯的危險，南希。

It's a nice sentiment, but I think in Ted Cruz's case, he doesn't so much love.

這是一種很好的情感，但我認為在泰德-克魯茲的情況下，他沒有那麼多的愛。

The country has stock it from behind a tree in the front yard.

國家有股票它從前院的樹後。

Yes, the most powerful man on earth is mentally unstable.

是的，世界上最有權勢的人精神不穩定。

Ah, habitual liar, prone to fits of rage and has assembled a private army.

啊，習慣性的金光黨，容易發怒，還組建了一支私人軍隊。

Ah, violent followers who will do anything he commands every moment he stays in office, puts lives at risk.

啊，暴力的追隨者會做任何事，他每時每刻都在辦公室裡，把生命置於危險之中。

So right after the vote, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced there wouldn't be a trial until after January 20th.

所以投票後，參議院多數黨領袖米奇-麥康奈爾就宣佈，1月20日之後才會有審判。

That's where the Democrats messed up.

這就是民主黨人亂了陣腳的地方。

If they really wanted to get rid of him instead of impeaching the president, they should have just nominated him for the Supreme Court.

如果他們真的想除掉他，而不是彈劾總統，他們應該直接提名他為最高法院的法官。

McConnell would have had him in a black robe the next day.

麥康奈爾第二天就會讓他穿上黑袍。

Now there's a lot that's still up in the air about how the Senate is gonna handle this, such as, How long will the trial be, when it will be held and how it will be structured?

現在有很多事情還沒有定論，關於參議院如何處理這件事，比如，審判會有多長時間，什麼時候舉行，會如何安排？

We're leaving a madman in office because of logistics.

因為後勤的原因，我們要留下一個瘋子在辦公室。

Look, the Senate.

你看，參議院。

There's about 10,000 unemployed wedding planners in this country right now.

現在全國大約有一萬名婚禮策劃師失業。

I'm sure they'd be happy to put their skills to good use.

我相信他們一定會很樂意把自己的技能用好。

We could have this guy impeached by Friday with photographs off the whole family, amazing centerpieces, a cocktail hour with passed hors d'oeuvres and a band that can play uptown funk whether you want them to or not going to get you.

我們可以讓這個傢伙週五彈劾的照片關閉整個家庭，驚人的中心點綴，一個雞尾酒時間與通過開胃菜和一個樂隊，可以發揮上城放克是否你想他們或不打算讓你。

McConnell's inaction will almost certainly allow the president to serve out his final days in office.

麥康奈爾的不作為，幾乎可以肯定會讓總統在任期的最後幾天服役。

It's a scary thought, but letting the president serve out his last six days means one final infrastructure week.

這是一個可怕的想法，但讓總統服完最後六天，意味著最後一個基建周。

I can't wait until the president unveils all those bridges and tunnels he's built in secret.

我已經迫不及待地想讓總統公佈他祕密建造的橋樑和隧道了。

Plus, I gotta imagine this is the week he reveals his plan for health care.

另外，我得想象這周他會透露他的醫保計劃。

I've heard it's a beautiful plan much, much better than Obamacare and cheaper to everyone's gonna love it, especially people with pre existing conditions.

我聽說這是一個美麗的計劃，比奧巴馬醫改好得多，而且更便宜，每個人都會喜歡它，尤其是有前期條件的人。

Six days ought to be enough, right?

六天應該夠了吧？

We're signing a health care plan within two weeks.

我們要在兩週內簽署一份醫療保健計劃。

So close.

好險啊

Better luck next time, by which I mean please don't let there be a next time are getting impeached for a second time, seems to have gotten his attention, along with the news that once he leaves office, he could be arrested and charged with inciting a riot, among other things.

下次運氣更好，我的意思是請不要讓有下一次正在第二次被彈劾，似乎已經得到了他的注意，以及一旦他離開辦公室，他可能會被逮捕並被指控煽動騷亂，以及其他事情的消息。

So last night he went on the Internet and tried to assure the nation that he was a man of peace, and he did not assure us.

所以昨晚他上了互聯網，試圖向全國人民保證他是一個和平的人，但他沒有向我們保證。

I cannot emphasize that there must be no violence, no law breaking and no vandalism of any kind.

我不能強調，不能有暴力，不能違法，不能有任何形式的破壞行為。

Yes, he cannot emphasize that there would be no violence because he'd like to see a little violence.

是的，他不能因為想看到一點暴力，就強調不會有暴力。

It's been just over a week since the violent insurrectionists attacked the capital, but the danger is far from over.

暴力叛亂分子襲擊首都才一週多，但危險遠未結束。

Today, federal law enforcement warned that domestic extremists are likely more emboldened to carry out attacks on Joe Biden's inaugural and throughout, 2021 got Oh, 2021 was supposed to be the year things got better.

今天，聯邦執法部門警告說，國內極端分子很可能更有恃無恐地對喬-拜登的就職典禮和整個，2021年變得哦，2021年應該是事情變得更好的一年。

Come on, terrorists.

來吧，恐怖分子。

In a couple of months you could be hugging your grandma's and going toe water parks.

再過幾個月，你就可以抱著你奶奶的，去水上樂園了。

I'm telling you, that is way more fun than being hog tied in the cell.

我告訴你，這比被綁在牢房裡有趣多了。

Next to Joker Tsarnaev's 2021 supposed to be the year of the sea shanty.

旁邊的小丑柴納的2021年應該是海內棚戶區之年。

They're fun whaling songs.

他們是有趣的捕鯨歌曲。

The fascist threat is growing.

法西斯主義的威脅越來越大。

According to the FBI, online chatter about more violent demonstrations is off the charts right now.

根據聯邦調查局的說法，網上關於更多暴力示威的討論，現在已經是不脛而走。

That's right.

是的

The threats air chart topping You can experience all the hits at home with Now.

威脅空氣排行榜榜首 你可以在家裡體驗所有的熱門歌曲，現在。

That's what I call the foul harvest of America's racist past.

這就是我所說的美國過去的種族主義的骯髒收穫。

Volume 244.

第244卷

Because of these violent anti American numbnuts, this year's inauguration is less Democratic.

因為這些暴力反美的麻子，今年的就職典禮少了民主黨。

Celebration and MAWR.

慶祝活動和MAWR。

Military occupation.

軍事職業：

When Biden takes the oath, will be guarded by more than 20,000 National Guard members.

拜登宣誓時，將有2萬多名國民警衛隊隊員護衛。

Holy technical pants.

我的技術褲。

Now, if you have trouble telling your writers and camo from the good guys in camo, the National Guard would be the ones without the Confederate flags.

現在，如果你難以分辨你的作家和迷彩服與穿迷彩服的好人，國民警衛隊將是那些沒有南方聯盟旗幟的人。

I hope a presidential inauguration is supposed to be a moment for Americans to witness a peaceful of transfer of power.

我希望總統就職典禮應該是美國人見證權力和平交接的時刻。

Instead, thanks to the president and his bloodthirsty goons, the National Mall will be closed on Inauguration Day.

相反，多虧了總統和他那群嗜血的手下，國家廣場將在就職典禮日關閉。

Is there any chance this was all just a long con to make sure somebody else had a smaller inaugural crowd than his?

有沒有可能這一切只是一個長期的騙局，以確保別人的就職人群比他的小？

The lock down extends all the way to the top because after decades of being known as the senator who rides the train to the capital, President elect Joe Biden will no longer take the Amtrak to Washington next week to be sworn in.

鎖定的範圍一直延伸到高層，因為在被稱為坐火車去首都的參議員數十年後，當選總統喬-拜登下週將不再坐美鐵去華盛頓宣誓就職。

However, to make up for it, Justice Roberts will be wearing a conductor's hat and under the phrase next stop, POTUS Junction.

不過，為了彌補這一點，羅伯茨大法官將戴上一頂列車員的帽子，並在下一站POTUS Junction這句話下。

All aboard, Todo.

都上船了，多多。

It's no surprise that people in the president's inner circle are attempting to distance themselves from the poisonous POTUS, including political power pair Jared and Ivanka.

總統的核心圈子裡的人試圖與毒舌的POTUS保持距離，這並不奇怪，其中就包括政治強人賈裡德和伊萬卡這一對。

Seen here after being summoned by a haunted music box.

被一個鬧鬼的音樂盒召喚後，看到這裡。

The president is apparently angry at Ivanka and Jared over their plan to attend President elect Joe Biden's inauguration.

總統顯然對伊萬卡和賈裡德計劃參加當選總統拜登的就職典禮感到憤怒。

The president is angry with Ivanka, probably not that serious.

總統生伊萬卡的氣，可能沒那麼嚴重。

It's just he wishes they were lovers quarrel.

只是他希望他們是戀人吵架。

But the president's anger worked because soon after his hissy fit, Ivanka changed her tune and is now not expected to attend.

但總統的憤怒起了作用，因為在他發飆後不久，伊萬卡就改變了主意，現在預計不會參加。

Why was she going to attend?

她為什麼要參加？

Well, there's a chance that Jarve, a NCA, might have been trying to get an invite to an exclusive country club in their new neighborhood because they recently became owners of one of only 29 residences located on Indian Creek island but haven't yet joined the country club there because many members are objecting, particularly after the events of the capital.

好吧，有一個機會，Jarve，一個NCA，可能一直在試圖獲得新社區的獨家鄉村俱樂部的邀請，因為他們最近成為了位於印度溪島上僅有的29個住宅之一的業主，但還沒有加入那裡的鄉村俱樂部，因為許多成員反對，特別是在首都的事件之後。

You know you've crossed the line when even the billionaire country club turns you away.

當連億萬富翁鄉村俱樂部都把你拒之門外的時候，你就知道你已經越界了。

We have to draw the line somewhere.

我們必須在某處劃清界限。

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a tee time with some fine fellows I met on Jeffrey Epstein's plane.

現在，如果你不介意的話，我有一個開球時間與一些好朋友 我遇到了傑弗裡愛潑斯坦的飛機。

We're gonna hunt my new caddy with crossbows.

我們要用十字弓去獵殺我的新馬桶。

Four.

四是

How about some unity?

怎麼樣團結？

While Jared and Ivanka might be on the outs with the president, there are still a few family members willing to go down with the ship because Eric and Don Jr are now some of the only people who are willing to talk to him.

雖然賈裡德和伊萬卡可能會和總統槓上，但還是有幾個家族成員願意順水推舟，因為埃裡克和小唐是現在唯一願意和他說話的人。

Dad, it's gonna be just you and me, and we're gonna be together forever.

爸爸，這將是隻有你和我， 我們會永遠在一起。

People that tell you about my friends.

人們告訴你我的朋友。

Second dad, he's a war harder from where you going down on this Islamic stat?

二爸，他是個戰爭硬漢，從哪裡下手，你對這個伊斯蘭教的統計？

For those of you who think you couldn't dislike Jared Novak a more, we have an important update.

對於那些認為不能再懟賈裡德-諾瓦克的人，我們有一個重要的更新。

Apparently, Secret Service assigned to Jared Ivanka were forced to find alternative toilets after they were instructed not to use any of the half dozen bathrooms inside the couple's house at the family's request.

很顯然，派往賈裡德-伊萬卡的特勤人員在被訓示不要使用這對夫婦家裡面的半打浴室中的任何一個後，他們被迫尋找替代的廁所，應家人的要求。

Although I do understand the Kushner's toilets might be very busy right now, with Jared Ivanka flushing their social lives and political futures down them now.

雖然我明白庫什納夫婦的廁所現在可能很忙，賈裡德-伊萬卡現在正把他們的社會生活和政治前途衝下去。

For a while, agents went down the street to a bathroom in a garage at Barack and Michelle Obama's house that was generous of them.

有一段時間，特工們到街上去了巴拉克和米歇爾-奧巴馬家車庫裡的一個衛生間，他們很慷慨。

But the former president's detail banned them after a Secret Service supervisor from the Kushner detail left an unpleasant mess in the Obama's bathroom.

但前總統的細節禁止他們，因為庫什納細節的特勤局主管在奧巴馬的浴室裡留下了一個令人不愉快的混亂。

You messed up Barack Obama's bathroom.

你把奧巴馬的浴室搞得一團糟。

Come on, the man is retired.

來吧，這個人已經退休了。

He is literally too old for the After the restroom privileges were revoked at the Obama's.

他實在是太老了，在奧巴馬的洗手間特權被取消後。

The agents assigned to Jared Ivanka began driving a mile away to use the restroom at Mike Pence's home.

分配給賈裡德-伊萬卡的特工開始開車到一英里外的邁克-彭斯家使用洗手間。

Or, as they code named it.

或者，正如他們的代號一樣

I am dropping a number two at number twos, But Secret Service needed a more permanent place to answer nature's call.

我在二號房丟了一個二號房，但特勤局需要一個更固定的地方來回應大自然的召喚。

So since September 2017, the federal government has been spending $3000 a month more than $100,000 to date to rent a basement studio with a bathroom from a neighbor of the Kushner family.

所以從2017年9月開始，聯邦政府每月花費3000美元，至今已超過10萬美元，從庫什納家的鄰居那裡租了一間帶衛生間的地下室工作室。

AH, $100,000.

AH，10萬美元。

That is some expensive crap which I got to say is really on brand for Ivanka now.

這是一些昂貴的廢話，我不得不說是真正的品牌伊萬卡現在。

I was not a fan of this couple before, but it seems particularly do she off Jared, Ivanka not let Secret Service in their bathrooms.

我不是這對夫婦的粉絲，但它似乎特別做她關閉賈裡德，伊萬卡不讓特勤在他們的浴室。

I'm just saying thes airmen and women who literally would take a bullet for you.

我只是說那些願意為你擋子彈的飛行員和女兵。

The least you could do is let them take a leak.

至少你可以做的是讓他們撒尿。

One guy who's definitely not gonna be hanging out with the president much when this is over is lawyer and man reading the Google results for Rudy Giuliani.

有一個人，當這件事結束後，絕對不會和總統混在一起，他就是律師和讀谷歌結果的Rudy Giuliani。

Rudy Giuliani.

魯迪-朱利安尼

After POTUS lost the election, Rudy crisscross the country, pinching out his arguments in court in a desperate effort to overturn the legal results of the election, which ended with one win and 64 losses, one in 64 record known as the Knicks, I am told by those who follow such things.

普選失利後，魯迪脆在全國各地，在法庭上捏出他的論據，極力推翻選舉的法律結果，結果是一勝64負，64年一勝一負的紀錄，據關注這種事情的人說，這就是尼克斯。

But now I'm mostly into the sea shanties thes days.

但現在我主要是喜歡聽海派歌謠。

But now this one doesn't want me to talk about sea shanties.

但現在這個不想讓我說海山謠。

What are you trying?

你想幹嘛？

Why are you trying to get me off?

你為什麼要讓我下車？

Just because you weren't on the sea shanty train When I was I was way ahead of you on the whole sea shanty thing.

就因為你不在海上棚戶區的火車上，而我在海上棚戶區的事情上，我比你早很多。

And now everyone knows the 2021 is the year of the sea shanty.

而現在大家都知道2021年是海棚年。

And you're like, I don't think so.

而你卻說，我不這麼認為。

Come on, Grandpa, get in the boat.

來吧，爺爺，上船吧。

We're rolling out to the slope and we're going after the sperm whales.

我們要去斜坡，去追捕抹香鯨。

What, do you do it?

什麼，你做嗎？

Do you know how many buttons you can't?

你知道有多少個按鈕你不會嗎？

You can't do anything at this point.

你現在什麼也做不了。

Just read.

剛讀。

Just read.

剛讀。

Wow.

哇哦

Yeah, my apologies to everybody.

是啊，我向大家道歉。

But now I know it's hard to believe the president has turned on Rudy and refuses to pay him for his legal work.

但現在我知道了，很難相信總統已經對魯迪發難，拒絕支付他的法律工作費用。

Sucks for Giuliani.

對朱利安尼來說很糟糕

Now he's gonna have to make money on the side bottling Uncle Rudy's original skull syrup.

現在，他要去賺錢的一面裝瓶叔叔魯迪的原始頭骨糖漿。

The president is so serious about not paying his attorney that he has said he must personally approve any reimbursements for the expenses Giuliani incurred while traveling on his behalf.

總統對不支付律師費用的態度非常嚴肅，他表示必須親自準許朱利安尼代表他旅行時的任何費用報帳。

Traveling expenses?

差旅費？

Well, there's no way the president is gonna pay for Rudy's gas when he was already giving it away for free, though I could understand, wanted to take a closer look at Rudy's expenses, given that so far he submitted receipts for Delta business class brand plastic bottle vodka uber x l T shirt that I slept in behind the racetrack and pay per view porn.

好吧，總統不可能為魯迪的汽油支付費用，當他已經免費贈送時，雖然我可以理解，想仔細看看魯迪的費用，因為到目前為止，他提交了三角洲商務艙品牌塑料瓶伏特加酒uber x l T恤的收據，我在賽馬場後面睡覺，以及按次付費的色情。

Oops, all cousins way Got a great show for you tonight.

哎呀，都是表兄妹的方式，有一個偉大的節目為你今晚。

My guest is Bernie Sanders.

我的嘉賓是伯尼-桑德斯。

Stick around.

呆在這裡。

There Once was a ship called the belly ot the name.

曾經有一艘船叫 "肚皮"。