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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.

    *********** 斯蒂芬哦,嘿。

  • JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

    只是讓它真實。

  • WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

    歡迎回來,各位。

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

    讓我們向JON BATISTE問好。

  • HELLO, JON BATISTE.

    你好,JON BATISTE。

  • IT IS AN HISTORIC DAY.

    這是一個歷史性的日子。

  • YET ANOTHER HISTORIC DAY HERE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, THE HOME

    又是一個歷史性的日子,在自由的土地上,在這裡,在這裡,在這裡。

  • OF THE BRAVE.

    勇敢者的故事

  • HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

    你感覺如何?

  • >> Jon: THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

    >> 喬恩。他們只是繼續來。

  • THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

    他們只是繼續來。

  • I'M FEELING VERY RAW, EXPOSED.

    我感覺非常粗糙,暴露。

  • MY INNARDS ARE EXPOSED.

    我的內臟已經暴露了。

  • ( LAUGHS ) IT FEELS...

    感覺...

  • IT FEELS LIKE I'M SEARCHING FOR MAGIC THAT IS LEFT IN THE WORLD

    感覺我在尋找世界上僅存的魔法

  • THAT I HAVE FAITH IS LEFT IN THE WORLD.

    我有信心是留在世界上。

  • I'M SEARCHING FOR IT.

    我在尋找它。

  • I WANT TO BALANCE OUT ALL THE RIFT OF THE STUFF THAT'S COMING

    我想平衡所有即將到來的裂痕的東西

  • IN, WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE MAGIC TO KIND OF HEAL MYSELF, YOU

    在,用一點點的魔法來治癒自己,你。

  • KNOW.

    知道。

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

    >> Stephen:是的。

  • I SAW A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC TODAY.

    我今天看到了一點魔力。

  • WE SAW SOME PEOPLE VOTING AGAINST THEIR OWN PERSONAL

    我們看到一些人投票反對他們自己的個人。

  • POLITICAL INTERESTS FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.

    為了國家的利益,政治利益。

  • THAT WAS-- THAT WAS SATISFYING.

    那是 -- 那是令人滿意的。

  • THAT MADE ME-- THAT GAVE ME SOME HOPE.

    這讓我... 給了我一些希望。

  • >> Jon: YEAH, BUT ISN'T IT KIND OF LATE A LITTLE BIT, YOU

    >> 喬恩。是的,但是不是有點晚了一點,你。

  • KNOW?

    知道嗎?

  • >> Stephen: HEY, MAN, HEY MAN, THE 11th HOUR CONVERT GETS

    >> 嘿,夥計,嘿,夥計,第11個小時的轉換得到了。

  • THE SAME PAY THAT THE OTHER WORKERS IN THE VINEYARD DOES.

    和葡萄園裡其他工人的工資一樣。

  • DO I HAVE TO SEND YOU A BOOK?

    我必須給你寄一本書嗎?

  • >> Jon: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

    >> 喬恩我知道你在說什麼。

  • >> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PATRIOTIC AT YOUR

    >> 喬恩,你有什麼愛國主義的東西嗎?

  • FINGERTIPS?

    FINGERTIPS?

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

    >> 喬恩。哦,我的天哪。

  • LET'S SEE.

    讓我們來看看。

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

    *********** 斯蒂芬謝謝你,喬恩。

  • JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

    JON BATISTE,每個人。

  • YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME LINING A PATH WITH THE

    你知道嗎,夥計們,我花了很多時間來襯托一條小路,用的是...

  • BRIGHTEST, MOST TOPICAL CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LAYING THEM BY THE

    最亮麗、最主題的櫻花,把它們鋪設在

  • NEWSIEST BUBBLING BROOK AND CAREFULLY RAKING THE SANDS TO

    最新潮的布林布魯克和小心翼翼地耙沙,以

  • CREATE THE JAPANESE ZEN GARDEN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

    創造日本的禪意花園,這是我的獨白。

  • BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO DIG A SHALLOW PIT, LINE IT WITH

    但偶爾,我喜歡挖一個淺坑,用

  • SOME TWO BY FOURS I FOUND BEHIND THE HOME DEPOT, FILL IT WITH

    我在家政倉庫後面找到的一些二乘四的東西,把它裝滿。

  • GRAVEL AND SAND I STOLE FROM THE SCRAPYARD, AND TOP IT ALL OFF

    我從垃圾場偷來的石子和沙子,然後再把這些東西加進去

  • WITH SOME USED CAT LITTER TO ASSEMBLE THE DERELICT SANDBOX

    用一些廢舊的CAT LITTER來組裝DERELICT SANDBOX。

  • OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

    的新聞,這是我的部門: "QUARANTINE -WHILE!"

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, POLICE IN NEW JERSEY RESPONDED TO A 911 CALL

    誇誇其談,警察在紐約的警察迴應911電話。

  • THAT "A FLOCK OF ANGRY CHICKENS WAS WREAKING HAVOC AT A

    一群憤怒的雞在一個地方肆意妄為。

  • McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU."

    McDONALD'S DRIVE -THRU。"

  • YOU CALLED 911?

    你打了911?

  • YOU'RE IN A CAR.

    你在車上。

  • THEY'RE CHICKENS.

    他們是雞。

  • "THE CHICKENS ARE COMING!

    "小雞來了!

  • WHAT DO I DO?!

    我該怎麼辦?

  • WHAT DO I-- I JUST DRIVE AWAY?

    我怎麼... ... 我只是開車離開?

  • OKAY, I WILL DO THAT, THEN."

    好吧,我會做到這一點,那麼。"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NO WORD ON WHOSE CHICKENS THEY

    不知道他們的雞是誰的?

  • WERE, BUT WHEN ANIMAL CONTROL ARRIVED AT THE McDONALD'S, THEY

    是的,但當動物管制員來到麥當勞餐廳時,他們... ...

  • "SAW THE CHICKENS HARASSING AND CHASING CUSTOMERS, ALONG WITH

    "看到雞在騷擾和追逐顧客,以及

  • PECKING AT CAR TIRES."

    啄汽車輪胎。"

  • FORTUNATELY, NO ONE WAS HURT, AND THE CHICKENS WERE ROUNDED UP

    幸運的是,沒有人受傷,雞也被圍起來了。

  • AND SAFELY GIVEN A NEW HOME.

    並安全地給了一個新家。

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ROBOT NEWS, "THE PETIT QOOBO IS A CUSHIONED

    QUARANTINE--雖然在機器人新聞中,"小QOOBO是一個毛絨絨的。

  • ROBOT WITH A TAIL THAT WAVES GENTLY WHEN THE ROBOT IS PET."

    "當機器人成為寵物時,它的尾巴會輕輕擺動"

  • AWW, IT'S LIKE SOMEONE WANTED TO DRAW A CAT BUT THEY STARTED AT

    就像有人想畫一隻貓,但他們卻從... ...

  • THE BUTT AND THEN LOST INTEREST.

    屁股,然後就失去了興趣。

  • ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THE QOOBO IS "DESIGNED TO OFFER

    根據該公司的說法,QOOBO是 "為提供以下服務而設計的

  • USERS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT."

    用戶情感支持"。

  • COME ON.

    來吧。

  • REAL CATS DON'T EVEN DO THAT!

    真正的貓甚至不這樣做!

  • PLUS, YOU'LL NEED TO REGISTER IT WITH THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU WANT

    此外,如果你想要的話,你還需要向權威機構註冊。

  • TO TAKE IT ON A PLANE AS YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ROBOT CAT ASS.

    把它帶上飛機,作為你的情感支持機器人CAT ASS。

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

  • GENITALIA-BASED QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."

    基於基因的定量----WHILE分項。"PEEN-WHILE"。

  • AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S ACTUALLY TIME FOR EVERYONE'S

    而且,不管你信不信,現在是大家的時間了。

  • FAVORITE PEEN-WHILE SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-JAIL."

    最喜歡的PEEN-WHILE分區:"PEEN-監獄"。

  • PEEN-JAIL, "A HACKER TOOK CONTROL OF PEOPLE'S

    PEEN-JAIL,"一個黑客控制了人們的。

  • INTERNETCONNECTED CHASTITY CAGES AND DEMANDED A RANSOM TO BE PAID

    互聯網連接的貞操籠,並要求支付贖金。

  • IN BITCOIN TO UNLOCK IT."

    在比特幣中解鎖它。"

  • GETTING PAID IN BITCOIN?

    用比特幣獲取報酬?

  • THAT'S THE SECOND STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE HEARD!

    這是我聽過的第二個最愚蠢的想法!

  • NOW, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, A "CHASTITY CAGE" IS "A SEX TOY

    現在,只是讓我們清楚,"貞操籠 "是 "性玩具"。

  • THAT USERS PUT AROUND THEIR PENIS AND SOME OF THEM CAN BE

    用戶把陰莖周圍,其中一些可以是。

  • UNLOCKED REMOTELY."

    UNLOCKED REMOTELY。"

  • NOT SURE HOW PEOPLE DO THAT LAST PART, BUT IT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT

    不知道人們是如何做的最後一部分,但它可以解釋什麼。

  • THAT THIRD LIGHT SWITCH DOES IN MY GARAGE.

    我的車庫裡的第三個燈開關也是如此。

  • SO, APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HOOKED UP THEIR DONG CAGES TO

    所以,顯然,這些人把他們的DONG CAGES連接到了一起。

  • THE 'NET, AND THEN THEY GOT HACKED, WHICH ACTUALLY LEADS TO

    網絡,然後他們被黑客攻擊,這實際上導致了。

  • OUR PEEN-JAIL SUB-SUB-SUB-SEGMENT:

    我們的PEEN-JAIL分部門。

  • "WELL, YEAH."

    "嗯,是的。"

  • WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

    好吧,是的,當然這是要發生的。

  • I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO GIVE CONTROL OF YOUR DEPRIVATION BOX

    我是說,把你的控制權交給別人是一回事。

  • TO A LOVED ONE, BUT IT'S QUITE A LEAP OF FAITH TO SAY, "LET'S

    對所愛的人說:"讓我們來吧!"這是一個相當大的信心飛躍。

  • PUT MY JUNK IN THE CLOUD."

    把我的垃圾放在雲端。"

  • ANYWAY, OBVIOUSLY, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS LOCKED IN THESE

    總之,很明顯,我們不知道到底是誰被關在這裡面了

  • DEVICES, BUT IT'S PRETTY SCARY STUFF.

    設備,但它是非常可怕的東西。

  • AND HERE TO DISCUSS THE MATTER IS MY WRITER WHO BROUGHT THIS TO

    而在這裡討論這個問題的是我的作家,他把這個帶到了這裡。

  • MY ATTENTION, DJANGO.

    我注意到了,姜戈。

  • DJANGO, WHAT DO YOU THINK-- >> WE MUST MEET THESE HACKERS'

    DJANGO,你覺得... ... 我們必須去見這些黑客。

  • DEMANDS, STEPHEN.

    DEMANDS, STEPHEN.

  • WHATEVER THEY WANT, JUST GIVE IT TO THEM.

    他們想要什麼,就給他們什麼。

  • >> Stephen: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT SETS A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT TO

    >> 但你不覺得這給我們帶來了一個危險的先兆嗎?

  • JUST-- >> THE NEGOTIATIONS HAVE FAILED.

    只是 -- >> 談判失敗了。

  • WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THESE CYBER-TERRORISTS THEIR INTERNET

    我們只需要給這些網絡恐怖主義者提供他們的互聯網。

  • MONEY SO THAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN END.

    錢,所以這個噩夢可以結束。

  • >> Stephen: WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IF WE APPEASE THESE

    >> Stephen:我想說的是,如果我們向這些人求情的話。

  • PEOPLE NOW, IT WILL JUST TEACH THEM THAT THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH

    現在的人們,它只會告訴他們,他們可以逃脫。

  • DOING IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.

    在未來再做一次。

  • >> THAT'S A GREAT THEORETICAL ARGUMENT, STEPHEN.

    >> 這是個很好的理論論證,史蒂芬。

  • AND I CAN TELL THAT WHOEVER'S MAKING IT ISN'T LOCKED IN

    我可以告訴你,誰在製造它是不鎖定的。

  • SOLITARY RIGHT NOW.

    現在是獨立的。

  • >> Stephen: DJANGO, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE ON.

    >> Stephen:DJANGO,也許我們應該繼續前進。

  • >> SURE, SURE, YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU CAN SAY THAT.

    >> 當然,當然,你在一個位置上,你可以這樣說。

  • BUT, YES, LET'S CHANGE TOPICS.

    但是,是的,讓我們換個話題。

  • HEY, DO YOU LIKE MUSIC, STEPHEN?

    嘿,你喜歡音樂嗎,史蒂芬?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO, DJANGO.

    >> 史蒂芬: 是的,當然,我是這樣做的,賈樟柯。

  • >> WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE FIONA APPLE ALBUM IS?

    >> 想知道我最喜歡的FIONA APPLE專輯是什麼嗎?

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

    >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> "FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS."

    >> "捉住螺絲刀"

  • >> Stephen: THAT WAS A RAIL LONG WALK.

    >> Stephen:那是一條長長的鐵路。

  • DJANGO, EVERYBODY!

    DJANGO,每個人!

  • >> I NEED OLIVE OIL, STAT!

    >> 我需要橄欖油,聲明!

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMANTHA BEE.

    >> Stephen:我們馬上回來與SAMANTHA BEE。

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.

*********** 斯蒂芬哦,嘿。

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