JUST KEEPING IT REAL.

只是讓它真實。

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

歡迎回來，各位。

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

讓我們向JON BATISTE問好。

HELLO, JON BATISTE.

你好，JON BATISTE。

IT IS AN HISTORIC DAY.

這是一個歷史性的日子。

YET ANOTHER HISTORIC DAY HERE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, THE HOME

又是一個歷史性的日子，在自由的土地上，在這裡，在這裡，在這裡。

OF THE BRAVE.

勇敢者的故事

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

你感覺如何？

>> Jon: THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

>> 喬恩。他們只是繼續來。

THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

他們只是繼續來。

I'M FEELING VERY RAW, EXPOSED.

我感覺非常粗糙，暴露。

MY INNARDS ARE EXPOSED.

我的內臟已經暴露了。

( LAUGHS ) IT FEELS...

感覺...

IT FEELS LIKE I'M SEARCHING FOR MAGIC THAT IS LEFT IN THE WORLD

感覺我在尋找世界上僅存的魔法

THAT I HAVE FAITH IS LEFT IN THE WORLD.

我有信心是留在世界上。

I'M SEARCHING FOR IT.

我在尋找它。

I WANT TO BALANCE OUT ALL THE RIFT OF THE STUFF THAT'S COMING

我想平衡所有即將到來的裂痕的東西

IN, WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE MAGIC TO KIND OF HEAL MYSELF, YOU

在，用一點點的魔法來治癒自己，你。

KNOW.

知道。

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> Stephen:是的。

I SAW A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC TODAY.

我今天看到了一點魔力。

WE SAW SOME PEOPLE VOTING AGAINST THEIR OWN PERSONAL

我們看到一些人投票反對他們自己的個人。

POLITICAL INTERESTS FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.

為了國家的利益，政治利益。

THAT WAS-- THAT WAS SATISFYING.

那是 -- 那是令人滿意的。

THAT MADE ME-- THAT GAVE ME SOME HOPE.

這讓我... 給了我一些希望。

>> Jon: YEAH, BUT ISN'T IT KIND OF LATE A LITTLE BIT, YOU

>> 喬恩。是的，但是不是有點晚了一點，你。

KNOW?

知道嗎？

>> Stephen: HEY, MAN, HEY MAN, THE 11th HOUR CONVERT GETS

>> 嘿，夥計，嘿，夥計，第11個小時的轉換得到了。

THE SAME PAY THAT THE OTHER WORKERS IN THE VINEYARD DOES.

和葡萄園裡其他工人的工資一樣。

DO I HAVE TO SEND YOU A BOOK?

我必須給你寄一本書嗎？

>> Jon: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

>> 喬恩我知道你在說什麼。

>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PATRIOTIC AT YOUR

>> 喬恩，你有什麼愛國主義的東西嗎？

FINGERTIPS?

FINGERTIPS?

>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

>> 喬恩。哦，我的天哪。

LET'S SEE.

讓我們來看看。

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

*********** 斯蒂芬謝謝你，喬恩。

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

JON BATISTE，每個人。

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME LINING A PATH WITH THE

你知道嗎，夥計們，我花了很多時間來襯托一條小路，用的是...

BRIGHTEST, MOST TOPICAL CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LAYING THEM BY THE

最亮麗、最主題的櫻花，把它們鋪設在

NEWSIEST BUBBLING BROOK AND CAREFULLY RAKING THE SANDS TO

最新潮的布林布魯克和小心翼翼地耙沙，以

CREATE THE JAPANESE ZEN GARDEN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

創造日本的禪意花園，這是我的獨白。

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO DIG A SHALLOW PIT, LINE IT WITH

但偶爾，我喜歡挖一個淺坑，用

SOME TWO BY FOURS I FOUND BEHIND THE HOME DEPOT, FILL IT WITH

我在家政倉庫後面找到的一些二乘四的東西，把它裝滿。

GRAVEL AND SAND I STOLE FROM THE SCRAPYARD, AND TOP IT ALL OFF

我從垃圾場偷來的石子和沙子，然後再把這些東西加進去

WITH SOME USED CAT LITTER TO ASSEMBLE THE DERELICT SANDBOX

用一些廢舊的CAT LITTER來組裝DERELICT SANDBOX。

OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

的新聞，這是我的部門： "QUARANTINE -WHILE！"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, POLICE IN NEW JERSEY RESPONDED TO A 911 CALL

誇誇其談，警察在紐約的警察迴應911電話。

THAT "A FLOCK OF ANGRY CHICKENS WAS WREAKING HAVOC AT A

一群憤怒的雞在一個地方肆意妄為。

McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU."

McDONALD'S DRIVE -THRU。"

YOU CALLED 911?

你打了911？

YOU'RE IN A CAR.

你在車上。

THEY'RE CHICKENS.

他們是雞。

"THE CHICKENS ARE COMING!

"小雞來了！

WHAT DO I DO?!

我該怎麼辦？

WHAT DO I-- I JUST DRIVE AWAY?

我怎麼... ... 我只是開車離開？

OKAY, I WILL DO THAT, THEN."

好吧，我會做到這一點，那麼。"

( LAUGHTER ) NO WORD ON WHOSE CHICKENS THEY

不知道他們的雞是誰的？

WERE, BUT WHEN ANIMAL CONTROL ARRIVED AT THE McDONALD'S, THEY

是的，但當動物管制員來到麥當勞餐廳時，他們... ...

"SAW THE CHICKENS HARASSING AND CHASING CUSTOMERS, ALONG WITH

"看到雞在騷擾和追逐顧客，以及

PECKING AT CAR TIRES."

啄汽車輪胎。"

FORTUNATELY, NO ONE WAS HURT, AND THE CHICKENS WERE ROUNDED UP

幸運的是，沒有人受傷，雞也被圍起來了。

AND SAFELY GIVEN A NEW HOME.

並安全地給了一個新家。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ROBOT NEWS, "THE PETIT QOOBO IS A CUSHIONED

QUARANTINE--雖然在機器人新聞中，"小QOOBO是一個毛絨絨的。

ROBOT WITH A TAIL THAT WAVES GENTLY WHEN THE ROBOT IS PET."

"當機器人成為寵物時，它的尾巴會輕輕擺動"

AWW, IT'S LIKE SOMEONE WANTED TO DRAW A CAT BUT THEY STARTED AT

就像有人想畫一隻貓，但他們卻從... ...

THE BUTT AND THEN LOST INTEREST.

屁股，然後就失去了興趣。

ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THE QOOBO IS "DESIGNED TO OFFER

根據該公司的說法，QOOBO是 "為提供以下服務而設計的

USERS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT."

用戶情感支持"。

COME ON.

來吧。

REAL CATS DON'T EVEN DO THAT!

真正的貓甚至不這樣做!

PLUS, YOU'LL NEED TO REGISTER IT WITH THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU WANT

此外，如果你想要的話，你還需要向權威機構註冊。

TO TAKE IT ON A PLANE AS YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ROBOT CAT ASS.

把它帶上飛機，作為你的情感支持機器人CAT ASS。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

GENITALIA-BASED QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."

基於基因的定量----WHILE分項。"PEEN-WHILE"。

AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S ACTUALLY TIME FOR EVERYONE'S

而且，不管你信不信，現在是大家的時間了。

FAVORITE PEEN-WHILE SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-JAIL."

最喜歡的PEEN-WHILE分區："PEEN-監獄"。

PEEN-JAIL, "A HACKER TOOK CONTROL OF PEOPLE'S

PEEN-JAIL，"一個黑客控制了人們的。

INTERNETCONNECTED CHASTITY CAGES AND DEMANDED A RANSOM TO BE PAID

互聯網連接的貞操籠，並要求支付贖金。

IN BITCOIN TO UNLOCK IT."

在比特幣中解鎖它。"

GETTING PAID IN BITCOIN?

用比特幣獲取報酬？

THAT'S THE SECOND STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE HEARD!

這是我聽過的第二個最愚蠢的想法!

NOW, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, A "CHASTITY CAGE" IS "A SEX TOY

現在，只是讓我們清楚，"貞操籠 "是 "性玩具"。

THAT USERS PUT AROUND THEIR PENIS AND SOME OF THEM CAN BE

用戶把陰莖周圍，其中一些可以是。

UNLOCKED REMOTELY."

UNLOCKED REMOTELY。"

NOT SURE HOW PEOPLE DO THAT LAST PART, BUT IT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT

不知道人們是如何做的最後一部分，但它可以解釋什麼。

THAT THIRD LIGHT SWITCH DOES IN MY GARAGE.

我的車庫裡的第三個燈開關也是如此。

SO, APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HOOKED UP THEIR DONG CAGES TO

所以，顯然，這些人把他們的DONG CAGES連接到了一起。

THE 'NET, AND THEN THEY GOT HACKED, WHICH ACTUALLY LEADS TO

網絡，然後他們被黑客攻擊，這實際上導致了。

OUR PEEN-JAIL SUB-SUB-SUB-SEGMENT:

我們的PEEN-JAIL分部門。

"WELL, YEAH."

"嗯，是的。"

WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

好吧，是的，當然這是要發生的。

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO GIVE CONTROL OF YOUR DEPRIVATION BOX

我是說，把你的控制權交給別人是一回事。

TO A LOVED ONE, BUT IT'S QUITE A LEAP OF FAITH TO SAY, "LET'S

對所愛的人說："讓我們來吧！"這是一個相當大的信心飛躍。

PUT MY JUNK IN THE CLOUD."

把我的垃圾放在雲端。"

ANYWAY, OBVIOUSLY, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS LOCKED IN THESE

總之，很明顯，我們不知道到底是誰被關在這裡面了

DEVICES, BUT IT'S PRETTY SCARY STUFF.

設備，但它是非常可怕的東西。

AND HERE TO DISCUSS THE MATTER IS MY WRITER WHO BROUGHT THIS TO

而在這裡討論這個問題的是我的作家，他把這個帶到了這裡。

MY ATTENTION, DJANGO.

我注意到了，姜戈。

DJANGO, WHAT DO YOU THINK-- >> WE MUST MEET THESE HACKERS'

DJANGO，你覺得... ... 我們必須去見這些黑客。

DEMANDS, STEPHEN.

DEMANDS, STEPHEN.

WHATEVER THEY WANT, JUST GIVE IT TO THEM.

他們想要什麼，就給他們什麼。

>> Stephen: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT SETS A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT TO

>> 但你不覺得這給我們帶來了一個危險的先兆嗎？

JUST-- >> THE NEGOTIATIONS HAVE FAILED.

只是 -- >> 談判失敗了。

WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THESE CYBER-TERRORISTS THEIR INTERNET

我們只需要給這些網絡恐怖主義者提供他們的互聯網。

MONEY SO THAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN END.

錢，所以這個噩夢可以結束。

>> Stephen: WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IF WE APPEASE THESE

>> Stephen:我想說的是，如果我們向這些人求情的話。

PEOPLE NOW, IT WILL JUST TEACH THEM THAT THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH

現在的人們，它只會告訴他們，他們可以逃脫。

DOING IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.

在未來再做一次。

>> THAT'S A GREAT THEORETICAL ARGUMENT, STEPHEN.

>> 這是個很好的理論論證，史蒂芬。

AND I CAN TELL THAT WHOEVER'S MAKING IT ISN'T LOCKED IN

我可以告訴你，誰在製造它是不鎖定的。

SOLITARY RIGHT NOW.

現在是獨立的。

>> Stephen: DJANGO, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE ON.

>> Stephen:DJANGO，也許我們應該繼續前進。

>> SURE, SURE, YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU CAN SAY THAT.

>> 當然，當然，你在一個位置上，你可以這樣說。

BUT, YES, LET'S CHANGE TOPICS.

但是，是的，讓我們換個話題。

HEY, DO YOU LIKE MUSIC, STEPHEN?

嘿，你喜歡音樂嗎，史蒂芬？

>> Stephen: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO, DJANGO.

>> 史蒂芬： 是的，當然，我是這樣做的，賈樟柯。

>> WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE FIONA APPLE ALBUM IS?

>> 想知道我最喜歡的FIONA APPLE專輯是什麼嗎？

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> "FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS."

>> "捉住螺絲刀"

>> Stephen: THAT WAS A RAIL LONG WALK.

>> Stephen:那是一條長長的鐵路。

DJANGO, EVERYBODY!

DJANGO，每個人！

>> I NEED OLIVE OIL, STAT!

>> 我需要橄欖油，聲明！

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMANTHA BEE.

>> Stephen:我們馬上回來與SAMANTHA BEE。