Welcome to a late show.

歡迎來到晚間節目。

I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

我是你們的主持人，斯蒂芬・科爾伯特。

This is our last week before the holiday break, and we have a huge slate of shows plan for you tonight.

這是我們假期前的最後一週 我們今晚為你準備了大量的節目。

I'm talking to Andy Cohen and Anderson, Cooper, Andy and Anders themselves plus Whoopi Goldberg.

我正在和安迪-科恩、安德森、庫珀、安迪和安德斯他們說話，再加上烏比-戈德堡。

It's a pre New Year's blowout.

這是新年前的一次大爆發。

Honestly, I don't know how he get any better than this.

老實說，我不知道他怎麼會比這更好。

I mean, you have to have, like, Tom Hanks.

我的意思是，你必須有，像，湯姆・漢克斯。

What?

什麼？

Hanks here tomorrow.

漢克斯明天在這裡。

Wow.

哇哦

And I already knew that this is pretty good acting right now.

而且我已經知道，現在這個演技很不錯。

What a way that some star power.

什麼方式，有些星力。

I mean, where do you go from there?

我的意思是，你從那裡去哪裡？

I mean, does This is crazy.

我的意思是，這是瘋了。

I'm gonna throw it out there.

我要把它扔出去。

What if we end of the week with George Clooney?

如果我們以喬治-克魯尼結束這周的工作呢？

What Holy tequila company Friday is cloned A.

什麼聖龍舌蘭酒公司星期五是克隆的A。

This is quite a slate of spectacular, highly promotable celebrity guests, but it's fun is that's all gonna be It's gonna be so much fun.

這是一個相當壯觀的板塊， 高度推廣的名人嘉賓， 但它的樂趣是，這一切都會是 這將是這麼多的樂趣。

It's It's really ultimately ashamed that I didn't get a chance to talk to President elect Joe Biden and future first lady Jill Biden for their first joint post election interview.

我沒有機會與當選總統拜登和未來的第一夫人吉爾-拜登進行大選後的首次聯合採訪，真是最終慚愧。

Great suffering, Scranton.

巨大的痛苦，斯克蘭頓。

They're gonna be on here Thursday is unbelievable.

他們週四會在這裡，真是難以置信。

Wow!

哇！

Wow!

哇！

2020 is just the best.

2020年就是最好的。

What's that?

那是什麼？

Oh, it was just the worst.

哦，這只是最糟糕的。

Okay, let's move on.

好吧，我們繼續。

No.

不知道

One thing, I'm sure to talk about what the president elect is.

有一件事，我一定要談談當選總統是什麼。

His cool new job.

他的新工作很酷

Last night, after the Electoral College formally chose him, Thebe president elect delivered a primetime speech in which he called out the Republicans who signed on to Texas.

昨晚，在選舉團正式選擇他之後，Thebe總統當選人在黃金時間發表了演講，他在演講中呼籲共和黨人簽署了德克薩斯州。

Case attempted to throw out the election results.

案件試圖拋出選舉結果。

This legal maneuver was an effort by elected officials on one group of states to try to get the Supreme Court toe wipe out the votes of more than 20 million Americans in other states.

這個法律動作是一組州的民選官員試圖讓最高法院抹去其他州2000多萬美國人的選票的努力。

It's a position so extreme we've never seen it before.

這麼極端的立場，我們從來沒有見過。

Yeah, it was an extreme position, but the GOP is trying all kinds of freaky new anti Democratic positions lately that all detailed in the McConnell Sutra.

是的，這是一個極端的立場，但GOP最近正在嘗試各種奇怪的新的反民主黨立場，這些立場都在麥康奈爾經中詳細說明。

Speaking of which, fully illustrated.

說到這裡，圖文並茂。

Speaking of which, with yesterday's Electoral College results, some Republicans have been forced to face their biggest fear reality, like Senate Majority Leader and Palpatine American Mitch McConnell.

說到這裡，隨著昨天選舉團的結果，一些共和黨人不得不面對他們最恐懼的現實，比如參議院多數黨領袖、帕爾帕丁美國人米奇-麥康奈爾。

Today, McConnell took to the Senate floor and bravely faced a fact the Electoral College has spoken.

今天，麥康奈爾在參議院的會場上，勇敢地面對一個事實，選舉團已經說話了。

So today I want to congratulate President elect Joe Biden.

所以今天我要祝賀當選總統喬-拜登。

The president elect was surprisingly grateful for McConnell's grudging acknowledgment.

當選總統竟然對麥康奈爾的勉強承認表示感謝。

A good conversation with Mitch McConnell's talk to him.

與米奇-麥康奈爾的談話，與他好好談談。

I called him to thank him for the congratulations, Mr.

我打電話給他，感謝他的祝賀，先生。

Later, I just called to congratulate you for congratulating me.

後來，我只是打電話祝賀你祝賀我。

Now let's get to work.

現在讓我們開始工作吧。

How about those Cabinet appointments?

那些內閣的任命呢？

Hello, Mitch.

你好，Mitch

Jack.

傑克。

Hello.

你好啊

Hello, Mabel, Get me clown dyke 357 It's not just McConnell.

你好，美寶，給我找一個小丑同志357 不只是麥康奈爾。

Other Republicans are coming around, including Texas Senator and Man Who Wants you to ask your doctor about Cell Jan's John Cornyn.

其他的共和黨人也在走過來，包括德克薩斯州參議員和想讓你問醫生關於細胞楊的約翰-科寧的人。

Cornyn says Republicans need to recognize that Biden one arguing.

科寧說，共和黨人需要認識到，拜登一辯。

There comes a time when you have to realize that despite your best efforts, you've been unsuccessful.

總有一天，你必須意識到，儘管你已經盡了最大努力，但你還是不成功。

Yes, like we tell kids when they play sports, it is important to realize when you've lost, then six weeks later, drive back to the field so you can shake the other teams hands and say, Good game, you cheater.

是的，就像我們告訴孩子們運動時，重要的是當你輸了的時候，要意識到，然後六個星期後，開車回到球場，這樣你就可以握著對方的手說，好比賽，你這個金光黨。

Another Republican who has found the courage to accept the will of the voters is Senate majority whip and man, wondering if he should throw a piece of plywood over the shallow grave.

另一位有勇氣接受選民意願的共和黨人是參議院多數黨黨鞭和人，想知道他是否應該在淺淺的墳墓上扔一塊夾板。

John Thune, Thune said that while the GOP may be disappointed with the result, at some point, you have to face the music.

約翰-圖恩，圖恩說，雖然GOP可能對結果感到失望，但在某些時候，你必須面對音樂。

Yes, that music is a little ditty called Hail to the Chief.

是的，那音樂是一個小調，叫《酋長萬歲》。

And for the next four years you're gonna hear it every time you stand up when Joe Biden walks into the room.

在接下來的四年裡 每次當喬・拜登走進房間時 你都會聽到這句話。

But some in the GOP are still struggling to mince words in a way that will appease he who shall not be named.

但GOP中的一些人仍在努力吝嗇言辭，以安撫不可名狀的人。

Just ask Wyoming senator and man interrupting a woman to say the same thing.

試問懷俄明州參議員和男人打斷一個女人說同樣的話。

She's saying.

她說。

John Barrasso, When asked whether Biden is president elect, Barroso said That was a gotcha question.

約翰-巴拉索，當被問及拜登是否是當選總統時，巴拉索說，這是個鬼斧神工的問題。

Yeah, classic gotcha question like Who's the president and what's your name and what year is it?

是啊，經典的問答題，比如誰是總統，你叫什麼名字，今年是哪一年？

How many fingers am I holding up?

我舉著幾根手指？

And if they don't give the answers, they like all of a sudden they got you in five point restraints for your own safety.

如果他們不給答案，他們就會像突然間為了你的安全，讓你被五點約束。

But the award for dumbest Reply has got to go to North Dakota, Senator and man caught looking at porn on his iPad.

但最愚蠢的回覆獎要頒給北達科他州參議員和被發現在iPad上看色情片的男人。

Kevin Cramer.

Kevin Cramer.

Cramer responded to the very straightforward question of whether Biden had one with this, uh, answer.

對於拜登是否有一個非常直接的問題，克拉默用這個，呃，回答了。

Well, it seems to me that being elected by the Electoral College is a threshold.

好吧，在我看來，由選舉團當選是一個門檻。

Were a title like that is probably most appropriate.

是這樣的標題可能是最合適的。

And it's, I suppose you could say official.

而且，我想你可以說是官方的。

If there is such a thing as official, president elect or anything else, Elect and there's an inauguration that will swear somebody and that person will be president of United States.

如果有這樣的事情，官方，當選總統或其他任何東西，選舉和有一個就職典禮，將宣誓某人，這個人將是美國總統。

But whether you can call it that or not, you know their legal challenges that are ongoing not very many probably not a remedy that would change the outcome.

但無論你是否可以稱之為，你知道他們的法律挑戰，正在進行的不是很多可能不是一個補救措施，將改變結果。

But so I don't again.

但是，所以我又不。

I don't know how a politician refers to another politician.

我不知道一個政治家如何稱呼另一個政治家。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

What?

什麼？

I'd hate to be office mates with Kevin Cramer.

我不想和凱文・克拉默做辦公室夥伴

Hey, Kev, Did you, by any chance, eat my yogurt from the fridge?

嘿，凱文，你是不是吃了我冰箱裡的酸奶？

Well, it seems to me that writing your name on a snack is a threshold where it might be appropriate to say it was yours.

在我看來，在零食上寫上自己的名字 是一個門檻，在那裡它可能是合適的，說這是你的。

Given that you I suppose you could say labeled if there is such a thing, is officially claiming yogurt or any dairy product that, of course, the original cow has some interesting.

鑑於你我想你可以說貼上標籤，如果有這樣的事情，是正式宣稱酸奶或任何乳製品，當然，原牛有一些有趣的。

And perhaps there is a communal cooling box which refer to as the fridge whether you call it a fridge or not, the cooling agent itself is free on, although there are others that can be used.

而且或許有一個公用的冷卻箱，它指的是冰箱，不管你是不是叫冰箱，冷卻劑本身是免費上的，雖然也有其他的可以使用。

Not very many, probably none that would bring the yogurt back after it's been consumed.

不多，可能沒有一個能把酸奶喝完後再帶回去的。

So I don't again.

所以我又不。

I don't know how a man acknowledges another man's Chobani.

我不知道一個男人怎麼會承認另一個男人的Chobani。

While GOP leadership has had a hard time admitting their defeat in the presidential election, they're getting more straight talk from their boss's boss because this morning Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated Biden on winning the U.

雖然GOP領導層很難承認他們在總統選舉中的失敗，但他們從老闆的老闆那裡得到了更多的直言不諱，因為今天早上俄羅斯總統普京祝賀拜登贏得了美國。

S election.

S選舉。

Not a great look for Senate Republicans.

對參議院共和黨人來說，這不是一個好現象。

When the guy who interfered in our election is like, Come on, he won at a certain point.

當那個干涉我們選舉的傢伙就像，來吧，他在某一點上贏了。

You guys air poisoning democracy and not in the right way with poison.

你們對民主進行空氣毒害，而且用毒的方式不對。

But it looks like our current president is never gonna concede.

但看起來我們的現任總統是不會讓步的。

Reportedly, the closest thing he comes to is saying, If we don't win, I don't say lose.

據報道，他最接近的一句話是：如果我們不贏，我不說輸。

I say I don't win.

我說我不贏。

Holy stupid.

我的天啊

Now I don't say he's pathetic, but I say he's don't dignified.

我不是說他可憐，而是說他沒有尊嚴。

The president is blaming everyone but himself for his not win, including his old pals and Fox News, according to a source close to the president.

據一位接近總統的消息人士透露，總統正在為他沒有獲勝而責怪所有人，但他自己，包括他的老夥伴和福克斯新聞。

He vowed to make Fox News pay for accurately calling the race.

他發誓要讓福克斯新聞為準確叫板比賽付出代價。

Yes, How dare Fox report news.

是的，福克斯怎麼敢報道新聞。

Their job is to spread GOP propaganda, sell lubricated catheters and employ the meanest member from every sorority.

他們的工作是傳播GOP的宣傳，銷售潤滑的導管，並僱用每個聯誼會中最卑鄙的成員。

Speaking of divorced from reality yesterday as part of a plot to pretend the Electoral College doesn't mean anything, a group of yahoos calling themselves electors showed up with the Michigan State capital, tried to cast their votes for the guy who lost their state.

說到脫離現實，昨天，作為假裝選舉團沒有任何意義的陰謀的一部分，一群自稱選舉人的雅痞出現在密歇根州首府，試圖把票投給失去他們州的人。

And I went about as well as you would hope Capitals calls.

而我去了，就像你希望Capitals的電話一樣好。

Unless you have an office here that protect movements today or if you are taking part of the Electoral College process, anybody else is not coming back alone.

除非你今天在這裡有一個保護運動的辦公室，或者你正在參與選舉團的進程，否則其他人是不會單獨回來的。

You're a lower electoral year After year, three electors were already here.

你是一個較低的選舉年 年後，三個選舉人已經在這裡。

They've been checked out wear the electors are in Capitals, all all 16 electors that we've been advised by the governor staff that we're gonna be here to vote Electoral College.

他們已經被檢查出來了 選民都在首都 所有16名選民都被州政府工作人員告知 我們將在這裡進行選舉團投票。

We don't check in.

我們不登記。

There are but the GOP electors.

有但GOP的選民。

I'm sorry, Captain.

對不起，隊長。

That's awkward.

那就尷尬了。

That's like a guy showing up with someone else's wedding and telling the usher, Hi, I'm here to marry Caitlyn.

這就像一個人出現在別人的婚禮上，告訴領位員，嗨，我是來娶凱特琳的。

I understand she's exchanging vows with someone else.

我知道她在和別人交換誓言。

Not all the grooms are inside.

不是所有的新郎都在裡面。

I'm her Republican husband.

我是她的共和黨丈夫。

The covert vaccine, in case you haven't heard, is here, and people are getting it.

隱蔽的疫苗，你可能還沒聽說過，已經來了，而且人們正在接受它。

And this is an absolute triumph of science.

而這絕對是科學的勝利。

But the pharma industry still has occasional Oops is out there.

但醫藥行業還是偶爾會有哎呀的情況出現。

For instance, One pharma company.

例如，一家制藥公司。

I have care.

我有照顧。

And I trust I'm mispronouncing that recently issued a recall after they accidentally packaged erectile dysfunction drugs with antidepressants.

而且我相信我念錯了，最近他們意外地將勃起功能障礙藥物與抗抑鬱藥打包後，發出了召回。

So there's the answer.

所以就有了答案。

If you're wondering why your Penis has started painting again and is up for the picnic, the two drugs in question are Tras Adan, which is used to treat major depressive disorders and sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra.

如果你想知道為什麼你的 "老二 "又開始畫畫了，而且是為了野餐，那麼這兩種藥物就是用於治療重度抑鬱症的曲阿丹和偉哥的有效成分西地那非。

That's weird.

真奇怪

I always thought the active ingredient Viagra was acoustic guitar jams with my boys.

我一直以為偉哥的活性成分是和我的男孩們一起彈木吉他。

All these pills were recalled.

這些藥丸全部被召回。

Another pharmaceutical company sees this mix up as an opportunity, and they've released this helpful new ad.

另一家制藥公司認為這種混戰是一個機會，他們已經發布了這個有用的新廣告。

When I started suffering from seasonal depression, I asked my doctor about Tre Zidan.

當我開始受到季節性抑鬱症的困擾時，我向醫生詢問了崔子丹的情況。

He said, Sure, I could prescribe you, Tre Zidan, or I could take you on the ride of your life he gave me.

他說，當然，我可以給你開藥，崔子丹，也可以帶你走他給我的人生旅程。

Terje lacks Terje lacks, is the only medication that relieves symptoms of depression or erectile dysfunction, depending on which pill you happen to get because all the pills look exactly the same.

Terje lacks Terje lacks，是唯一能緩解抑鬱症或勃起功能障礙症狀的藥物，這要看你碰巧吃到了哪種藥丸，因為所有的藥丸看起來都一模一樣。

What?

什麼？

Afraid to roll the bones?

怕滾骨？

Sounds like you need, Terje lacks.

聽起來你需要，Terje缺乏。

Ever since I started taking, Terje lacks my life as well.

自從我開始服用後，泰捷也缺乏我的生活。

I wouldn't say improved, but it's definitely more exciting.

我不會說是改進了，但肯定是更刺激了。

In fact, I took a pill about 20 minutes before we started shooting this, and it's gonna be a sad day from the waist up.

事實上，在我們開始拍攝前20分鐘，我吃了一片藥丸。 這將是一個悲傷的一天，從腰部以上。

Honey, get in here.

親愛的，進來吧

It's time Terje lacks side effects may include loss of carnal appetites, suicidal testicles, rectal on wheat, prospector, sump brow, lobsters and groin grown.

是時辰Terje缺乏的副作用可能包羅肉體食慾損失、自殺性睪丸、直腸對小麥、探礦者、臀部眉毛、龍蝦和腹股溝生長。

If your erection or sadness last longer than four hours, Hey, take more.

如果你的勃起或悲傷持續超過四個小時，嘿，多吃點。

Terje lacks.

Terje缺乏。

Terje lacks because life is hard and so is your Penis.

Terje缺乏，因為生活是艱難的，所以是你的陰莖。