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  • -Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome

    -嗨,大家好,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎。

  • to "The Tonight Show"! Here we go.

    到 "今夜秀"!我們開始吧

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Thank you so much for being here, thank you for watching.

    謝謝你的到來,謝謝你的觀看。

  • Now let's get to the news and jokes.

    現在讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

    好了,夥計們,每個人都在談論這個。

  • On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter

    上週日,美國總統特朗普在Twitter上宣佈

  • that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.

    魯迪-朱利安尼的冠狀病毒檢測呈陽性。

  • When the news broke, the coronavirus was like,

    消息一出,冠狀病毒就像。

  • "Damn it! I knew I should have worn a mask!"

    "該死的!我就知道應該戴上口罩。我就知道應該戴口罩的!"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I hope Rudy's okay.

    我希望魯迪沒事

  • When they did his nasal swab, it came out black.

    當他們給他做鼻拭子的時候,結果是黑色的。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Apparently, the doctor asked,

    顯然,醫生問。

  • "When did you start feeling a little off?"

    "你什麼時候開始覺得有點不對勁?"

  • And Rudy said, "Right around 2009-ish."

    而魯迪說:"就在2009年左右。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It keeps getting worse for Rudy.

    魯迪的情況越來越糟。

  • After his test showed he had COVID,

    在他的測試顯示他有COVID。

  • he challenged the results in court and lost.

    他在法庭上對結果提出質疑,結果敗訴。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Rudy was like, "How could this happen?

    魯迪當時就說:"怎麼會這樣?

  • All I did was travel around maskless

    我所做的一切都只是在旅行中,沒有面具

  • and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face."

    並用我在周圍找到的任何東西來擦臉。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • At first, it was hard to tell that Rudy had COVID

    起初,很難說魯迪有COVID。

  • 'cause he always looked like he had a 102-degree fever.

    因為他看上去總是像發著102度的高燒。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Well, the good news is, Giuliani already tweeted

    好消息是,朱利安尼已經在推特上寫道

  • that he is getting great care and feeling good.

    他得到了很好的照顧,感覺很好。

  • Yep, nurses have been giving him I.V. fluids,

    是的 護士一直在給他點滴

  • which Rudy promptly sprays out of his face

    魯迪立即將其噴灑在臉上。

  • like a lawn sprinkler.

    就像一個草坪灑水車。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I hope Rudy's getting good care,

    我希望Rudy能得到很好的照顧。

  • because if he picks medical experts

    因為如果他選擇醫學專家

  • like he picks legal experts, his doctor is gonna be

    就像他挑選法律專家一樣,他的醫生會是。

  • some random guy he found at an Applebee's happy hour.

    一些隨機的傢伙,他發現 在Applebee的快樂時光。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yeah, Rudy says he's feeling good and will be back

    是啊,魯迪說他感覺很好,會回來的。

  • to embarrassing himself on camera in no time.

    到尷尬自己的相機在任何時間。

  • -Hang on! Wait a minute. Did you say Giuliani got COVID?

    -等一下!等一下!你說朱利安尼得到了COVID?

  • -Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

    -是啊,我也是這麼說的是啊,這就是我一直在說的。

  • -Giuliani Bingo!

    -朱利安賓果!

  • -No way! You got Giuliani Bingo?

    不可能! - 你有朱利安尼賓果嗎?你有朱利安尼賓果嗎?

  • -Yeah, man. Giuliani Bingo.

    -是的,夥計朱利安尼賓果。

  • -All right. Let's double-check your card.

    -好吧,我們再檢查一下你的卡讓我們仔細檢查你的卡。

  • You got Giuliani testing positive for COVID.

    你讓朱利安尼的COVID測試呈陽性。

  • What else? -Well, I've got

    還有什麼?-好吧,我已經得到了

  • "Audibly farted during a hearing."

    "在聽證會上放了個屁"

  • -They didn't bother to interview a single witness.

    -他們連一個證人都懶得采訪。

  • [ Farts ]

    [屁]

  • -Oh, well, I have...

    -哦,好吧,我有... ...

  • "Brought a lady to court who seemed to be drunk."

    "把一位似乎喝醉了的女士帶到了法庭上"

  • -The poll bo-- The poll book is completely off.

    -民意調查表... 民意調查表完全不在狀態。

  • -I have "Wiped his face with a rag

    -我已經 "用抹布擦了他的臉"。

  • that he just blew his nose into."

    他只是吹了他的鼻子進去。"

  • -That is true.

    -沒錯

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -And, finally, "Hair dye melted off his face."

    -最後,"染髮劑從他臉上融化了"

  • Giuliani Bingo, man.

    朱利安尼賓果,男人。

  • -Yeah. You won. Tariq, you've got one Giuliani Bingo!

    -是啊,你贏了是的,你贏了塔裡克,你有一個朱利安尼賓果!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • Your prize is a $25 gift card

    您的獎品是25美元的禮品卡

  • to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Congrats.

    到四季總景觀。恭喜你。

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Meanwhile, all eyes are on Georgia

    同時,所有的目光都集中在喬治亞州

  • and its two Senate runoffs.

    及其兩場參議院決選。

  • On Saturday, Trump held a rally

    上週六,特朗普舉行集會

  • for the state's Republican Senators,

    為該州的共和黨參議員。

  • but he mostly talked about himself.

    但他大部分時間都在談論自己。

  • Here he is complaining about his own election results.

    他在這裡抱怨自己的選舉結果。

  • -We're all victims. Everybody here,

    -我們都是受害者我們都是受害者

  • all these thousands of people here tonight,

    所有這些成千上萬的人 今晚在這裡,

  • they're all victims. Every one of you.

    他們都是受害者你們每個人都是

  • -Yeah. And judging by the number of masks I saw in the crowd,

    -是的根據我在人群中看到的面具數量判斷,

  • he's right. [ Laughter ]

    他是對的。[笑聲]

  • Even Rudy Giuliani saw that and said, "You fools!"

    連魯迪-朱利安尼都看到了,說:"你們這些傻瓜!"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "You fools!"

    "你們這些笨蛋!"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But in the end, Trump knows there's a lot on the line

    但最終,特朗普知道有很多事情要做。

  • in Georgia, so he made sure to deliver a compelling

    在喬治亞州,所以他一定要提供一個令人信服的。

  • closing argument for the Republican candidates.

    共和黨候選人的最後陳述。

  • Watch.

    看著吧

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Blueberries, peppers, squash, and cucumbers.

    -藍莓,青椒,南瓜,黃瓜。

  • Who does cucumbers around here?

    這裡誰做黃瓜?

  • 'Cause I like cucumbers! I'm the only one.

    因為我喜歡黃瓜!我是唯一的一個。

  • I like cucumbers.

    我喜歡黃瓜。

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • -Well, last night, there was supposed to be

    -嗯,昨晚,本來應該是...

  • a debate for Georgia's runoff between Democrat John Ossoff

    佐治亞州第二輪選舉民主黨人約翰-奧索夫的辯論會

  • and Republican David Perdue,

    和共和黨人戴維-珀杜。

  • but Perdue didn't show up, so look what happened.

    但Perdue沒有出現 所以看看發生了什麼事

  • -Democrat John Ossoff. He is CEO of Insight TWI,

    民主黨人約翰-奧索夫。他是Insight TWI的CEO

  • a media production company that investigates corruption,

    一個調查腐敗的媒體制作公司;

  • organized crime, and war crimes

    有組織犯罪和戰爭罪

  • for international news organizations.

    為國際新聞組織提供。

  • Republican David Perdue

    共和黨人David Perdue

  • has served in the U.S. Senate since 2015.

    自2015年起在美國參議院任職。

  • Senator Perdue declined to participate in this debate

    參議員Perdue拒絕參加本次辯論。

  • and is represented by an empty podium.

    並以空曠的講臺為代表。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Afterward, the podium was kicking itself,

    -事後,主席臺上的人都在踢自己。

  • was like, "I blew it. I totally froze.

    是這樣的,"我吹了。我完全愣住了。

  • I just..." [ Laughter ]

    我只是..."[笑聲]

  • Yeah, it was a rough night for the podium.

    是啊,對於領獎臺來說,這是一個艱難的夜晚。

  • Halfway through the debate, a fly landed on it.

    辯論進行到一半,一隻蒼蠅落在上面。

  • [ Laughter ] Unbelievable, unbelievable.

    [笑聲] 難以置信,難以置信。

  • Meanwhile, today, at the White House,

    同時,今天,在白宮。

  • Trump gave the Medal of Freedom

    特朗普給自由勳章

  • to a legendary wrestling coach from Iowa.

    到愛荷華州的一位傳奇摔跤教練。

  • But listen to what he said at the ceremony.

    但聽聽他在儀式上說的話。

  • -He won 117 consecutive matches and lost only one.

    -他連續贏了117場比賽,只輸了一場。

  • Well, you know, in politics, I won two, so I'm 2-0,

    嗯,你知道,在政治上,我贏了兩個,所以我是2 -0。

  • and that's pretty good, too.

    這也是相當不錯的。

  • But we'll see how that turns out.

    但我們會看到結果如何。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -At that point, Trump took back the Medal of Freedom

    -這時,特朗普收回了自由勳章。

  • and gave it to himself.

    並把它送給了自己。

  • "I'm undefeated, and you're not, so..."

    "我是不敗的,而你不是,所以......"

  • Trump's 2-0 claim would've been more convincing

    特朗普2-0的說法會更有說服力。

  • if half the people in that room weren't moving guys.

    如果那個房間裡有一半的人沒有動過的傢伙。

  • "All right. We gotta get this thing.

    "好吧,我們得把這東西弄到手。我們必須得到這個東西。

  • You want to go diagonal with this through the door?

    你想用這個從門外斜著走?

  • Yeah." [ Laughter ]

    是啊。"[笑聲]

  • Here's some music news -- Bob Dylan just sold

    這裡有一些音樂新聞 -- 鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了。

  • his entire songwriting catalog to Universal

    他的所有歌曲都是由環球公司創作的

  • in a giant, record-breaking deal.

    在一個巨大的,破紀錄的交易。

  • I'm thrilled for Bob Dylan, but if I see

    我為鮑勃-迪倫激動不已,但如果我看到了

  • "Blowin' in the Wind" in a Gas-X commercial,

    在Gas-X廣告中的 "風中吹"。

  • I'm gonna freak out. [ Laughter ]

    我要嚇壞了。[笑聲]

  • No.

    不知道

  • That's right. Bob Dylan just sold his entire

    沒錯,鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了他的全部作品 That's right.鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了他的全部

  • music catalog for over an estimated $300 million.

    音樂目錄,估計超過3億美元。

  • It's one of the biggest music publishing deals ever.

    這是有史以來最大的音樂出版交易之一。

  • And this is real -- here now, on the phone,

    這是真正的... 在這裡,現在,在手機上。

  • to talk about this enormous deal is Bob Dylan himself.

    談到這個巨大的交易是鮑勃-迪倫本人。

  • Bob, are you there?

    鮑勃,你在嗎?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

    -[說話含糊不清]

  • Okay. Well, how do you feel about this record-breaking deal?

    好吧,你覺得這個破紀錄的交易怎麼樣?那麼,你覺得這個破紀錄的交易怎麼樣?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

    -[說話含糊不清]

  • -I see, I see. And how do you plan

    -我明白了,我明白了。你打算怎麼做?

  • to spend all of that money?

    要把這些錢都花掉?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

    -[說話含糊不清]

  • ...PlayStation 5.

    ...PlayStation 5。

  • -Uh-huh. That's really great.

    -嗯哼那真是太好了

  • Well, I know you're hoping to debut a new song here tonight.

    我知道你希望今晚能在這裡首發一首新歌。

  • So, please, take it away, whenever you're ready.

    所以,請你帶走吧,只要你準備好了。

  • -One, two...

    -一,二...

  • [ Singing indistinctly ]

    [唱隱約]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • PlayStation 5 ♪

    PlayStation 5

  • -That's right. Oh, beautiful.

    -沒錯哦,漂亮

  • Bob Dylan, everybody!

    鮑勃-迪倫,各位!

  • Can't believe he took the time --

    不敢相信他花了時間...

  • I can't believe he took the time to call us

    他居然花時間給我們打電話。

  • and to do an impersonation of himself from 50 years ago.

    並模仿50年前的自己。

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

    -[說話含糊不清]

  • -Thank you, Bob. [ Laughter ]

    -謝謝你,鮑勃。謝謝你,鮑勃。 - [笑]

  • -Well, guys, Christmas is just a few weeks away,

    -好了,夥計們,還有幾個星期就是聖誕節了。

  • and I saw that the world's first ever commercially printed

    我看到了世界上第一個商業印刷版的 "大熊貓"。

  • Christmas card is on sale for $25,000.

    聖誕卡售價2.5萬元。

  • Yeah, even back then, the first person to get a Christmas card

    是啊,即使在那時,第一個收到聖誕卡的人

  • was like, "Wow. He gained a lot of weight this year."

    就像 "哇,他今年胖了很多"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Here's a big sports story. The New York Jets

    這裡有一個體育大新聞。紐約噴氣機隊

  • are still looking for their first win of the season.

    仍在尋找本賽季的首場勝利。

  • And yesterday, they were up by 4

    而昨天,他們漲了4塊錢

  • with about 10 seconds left in the game.

    在比賽還剩10秒左右的時候。

  • All they had to do was not give up a touchdown.

    他們要做的就是不丟掉一個達陣。

  • Let's see how it went.

    讓我們來看看它是如何進行的。

  • -Jets coming.

    -噴氣機來了

  • Carr puts some air under it.

    卡爾把一些空氣下。

  • Wide open is Ruggs for the touchdown!

    魯格斯達陣了!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -The Jets are always out-Jetting themselves.

    -噴氣機隊總是比噴氣機隊更厲害

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • They're basically the NFL's version of Rudy Giuliani.

    他們基本上是NFL的Rudy Giuliani版本。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And, finally, every day, we learn a little more

    最後,每天,我們都會學到更多的東西

  • about the coronavirus, and now a doctor is warning

    關於冠狀病毒,現在有醫生警告說

  • that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction.

    COVID實際上可能導致勃起功能障礙。

  • So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra,

    所以在他們的COVID疫苗和偉哥之間。

  • Pfizer's about to make it rain.

    輝瑞公司要讓它下雨了。

  • We have exactly 10 shows left before we go on Christmas break,

    在聖誕假期之前,我們還剩10場演出。

  • which means it's time for that beloved

    這意味著是時候為心愛的

  • "Tonight Show" tradition.

    "今夜秀 "傳統。

  • It's time for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!

    12天的聖誕毛衣時間到了!

  • Here we go!

    我們走吧!

  • ♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters

    12天的聖誕毛衣

  • ♪ 10 todays left

    10天離開

  • -That's right. Every show between now and Christmas

    -沒錯,從現在開始到聖誕節的每一場演出從現在到聖誕節的每一場演出

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

    我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

  • an exquisite Christmas sweater

    精緻的聖誕毛衣

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

    從聖誕倒計時內閣。

  • Now, since there are 10 shows left,

    現在,由於還有10場演出。

  • let's open door number 10.

    讓我們打開10號。

  • Go for it.

    去吧

  • Oh, yeah. Yes.

    哦,是的。是的,是的。

  • Oh, yeah.

    哦,是的。

  • Ooh, la, la!

    哦,啦,啦!

  • Couple gingerbread men.

    夫婦薑餅人。

  • Look at that.

    你看那個。

  • Oh. Wow! Wow. There are gloves.

    哦,哇!哇!哇哦!有手套。

  • Looks like the gloves are attached.

    看來手套是連著的。

  • Are there gl-- There are gloves attached.

    有手套嗎... ... 有手套的。

  • Wow. And let's see the back just to check out the, uh...

    哇哦讓我們看看後面,只是為了檢查出,呃... ...

  • Yep, yep. Secret wreath, not quite in the middle,

    是的,是的。祕密花環,不完全在中間。

  • off to the side a little bit, kind of keeps you guessing.

    偏離了一點,有點讓你猜不透。

  • All right, everybody.

    好了,各位。

  • Let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.

    讓我們看看誰會帶著今晚的毛衣回家。

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

    大家看一下自己的座位號。

  • If I call your number, come on down.

    如果我打你的電話,下來吧。

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

    任務,我可以得到一個鼓聲,好嗎?

  • [ Drumroll ]

    [鼓聲]

  • Here we go.

    我們走吧

  • Number 260!

    260號!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Come on down, bud!

    下來吧,夥計!

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -Hello!

    -你好!

  • Hello. What is your name and where are you from?

    你好,你叫什麼名字,從哪裡來?你叫什麼名字,來自哪裡?

  • -Ethan. I'm from New Jersey.

    -Ethan.我來自紐澤西

  • -Hey! New Jersey in the house!

    -嘿,紐澤西人在這裡!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • It does get a little brisk in New Jersey this time of year.

    每年的這個時候,新澤西州的天氣確實有點急躁。

  • Do you have anything like this type of sweater?

    你有類似這種類型的毛衣嗎?

  • -Uh, not really. [ Laughter ]

    -嗯,不是真的。[笑聲]

  • -Not really. Would you mind trying it on for us?

    -不太介意你介意為我們試穿一下嗎?

  • -Sure. -Roots, could we get some

    -好的 羅根,我們能不能來點?

  • trying-on music?

    試聽音樂?

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • Thank you very much.

    非常感謝你。

  • Yeah, make sure you get the fingers there.

    是的,確保你的手指在那裡。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's not something you want to put on if you're in a rush.

    如果你趕時間的話,就別想穿上它了。

  • You know, you want to take your time with this one.

    你知道,你想把你的時間與這一個。

  • Man, it feels warm already. Yep.

    夥計,感覺已經很暖和了。對啊

  • Little tricky, but that's half the fun of it.

    有點棘手,但這是它的一半樂趣。

  • Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

    哦,對,對,對,對。

  • Oh. Oh, look at this.

    哦,看看這個。哦,看這個。

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Look at that.

    [歡呼聲和掌聲] 看那個。

  • Turn around. Let's see the full --

    轉過來讓我們看看完整的...

  • Yeah! Looks like a tassel.

    是啊!看起來像一個流蘇。

  • [ Laughs ]

    [笑]

  • Looks like you got, like, a rattail in the back.

    看起來你的後背有一條鼠尾。

  • I think it's pretty awesome.

    我覺得很不錯。

  • That's what I'm talking about. That's our winner right there.

    這就是我所說的。這就是我們的贏家

  • That's our audience member. We love you.

    這就是我們的觀眾。我們愛你。

  • Thank you again to our lucky audience member.

    再次感謝我們的幸運觀眾。

  • Stick around. We'll be right back

    別走開我們馬上回來

  • with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

    與更多的 "今夜秀",大家。

  • Come on back.

    回來吧

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

-Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome

-嗨,大家好,歡迎,歡迎,歡迎。

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