to "The Tonight Show"! Here we go.

到 "今夜秀"！我們開始吧

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Thank you so much for being here, thank you for watching.

謝謝你的到來，謝謝你的觀看。

Now let's get to the news and jokes.

現在讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

好了，夥計們，每個人都在談論這個。

On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter

上週日，美國總統特朗普在Twitter上宣佈

that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.

魯迪-朱利安尼的冠狀病毒檢測呈陽性。

When the news broke, the coronavirus was like,

消息一出，冠狀病毒就像。

"Damn it! I knew I should have worn a mask!"

"該死的！我就知道應該戴上口罩。我就知道應該戴口罩的!"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I hope Rudy's okay.

我希望魯迪沒事

When they did his nasal swab, it came out black.

當他們給他做鼻拭子的時候，結果是黑色的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Apparently, the doctor asked,

顯然，醫生問。

"When did you start feeling a little off?"

"你什麼時候開始覺得有點不對勁？"

And Rudy said, "Right around 2009-ish."

而魯迪說："就在2009年左右。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It keeps getting worse for Rudy.

魯迪的情況越來越糟。

After his test showed he had COVID,

在他的測試顯示他有COVID。

he challenged the results in court and lost.

他在法庭上對結果提出質疑，結果敗訴。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Rudy was like, "How could this happen?

魯迪當時就說："怎麼會這樣？

All I did was travel around maskless

我所做的一切都只是在旅行中，沒有面具

and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face."

並用我在周圍找到的任何東西來擦臉。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

At first, it was hard to tell that Rudy had COVID

起初，很難說魯迪有COVID。

'cause he always looked like he had a 102-degree fever.

因為他看上去總是像發著102度的高燒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, the good news is, Giuliani already tweeted

好消息是，朱利安尼已經在推特上寫道

that he is getting great care and feeling good.

他得到了很好的照顧，感覺很好。

Yep, nurses have been giving him I.V. fluids,

是的 護士一直在給他點滴

which Rudy promptly sprays out of his face

魯迪立即將其噴灑在臉上。

like a lawn sprinkler.

就像一個草坪灑水車。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I hope Rudy's getting good care,

我希望Rudy能得到很好的照顧。

because if he picks medical experts

因為如果他選擇醫學專家

like he picks legal experts, his doctor is gonna be

就像他挑選法律專家一樣，他的醫生會是。

some random guy he found at an Applebee's happy hour.

一些隨機的傢伙，他發現 在Applebee的快樂時光。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yeah, Rudy says he's feeling good and will be back

是啊，魯迪說他感覺很好，會回來的。

to embarrassing himself on camera in no time.

到尷尬自己的相機在任何時間。

-Hang on! Wait a minute. Did you say Giuliani got COVID?

-等一下！等一下！你說朱利安尼得到了COVID？

-Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

-是啊，我也是這麼說的是啊，這就是我一直在說的。

-Giuliani Bingo!

-朱利安賓果！

-No way! You got Giuliani Bingo?

不可能！ - 你有朱利安尼賓果嗎？你有朱利安尼賓果嗎？

-Yeah, man. Giuliani Bingo.

-是的，夥計朱利安尼賓果。

-All right. Let's double-check your card.

-好吧，我們再檢查一下你的卡讓我們仔細檢查你的卡。

You got Giuliani testing positive for COVID.

你讓朱利安尼的COVID測試呈陽性。

What else? -Well, I've got

還有什麼？-好吧，我已經得到了

"Audibly farted during a hearing."

"在聽證會上放了個屁"

-They didn't bother to interview a single witness.

-他們連一個證人都懶得采訪。

[ Farts ]

[屁]

-Oh, well, I have...

-哦，好吧，我有... ...

"Brought a lady to court who seemed to be drunk."

"把一位似乎喝醉了的女士帶到了法庭上"

-The poll bo-- The poll book is completely off.

-民意調查表... 民意調查表完全不在狀態。

-I have "Wiped his face with a rag

-我已經 "用抹布擦了他的臉"。

that he just blew his nose into."

他只是吹了他的鼻子進去。"

-That is true.

-沒錯

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-And, finally, "Hair dye melted off his face."

-最後，"染髮劑從他臉上融化了"

Giuliani Bingo, man.

朱利安尼賓果，男人。

-Yeah. You won. Tariq, you've got one Giuliani Bingo!

-是啊，你贏了是的，你贏了塔裡克，你有一個朱利安尼賓果！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

♪♪

♪♪

Your prize is a $25 gift card

您的獎品是25美元的禮品卡

to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Congrats.

到四季總景觀。恭喜你。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Meanwhile, all eyes are on Georgia

同時，所有的目光都集中在喬治亞州

and its two Senate runoffs.

及其兩場參議院決選。

On Saturday, Trump held a rally

上週六，特朗普舉行集會

for the state's Republican Senators,

為該州的共和黨參議員。

but he mostly talked about himself.

但他大部分時間都在談論自己。

Here he is complaining about his own election results.

他在這裡抱怨自己的選舉結果。

-We're all victims. Everybody here,

-我們都是受害者我們都是受害者

all these thousands of people here tonight,

所有這些成千上萬的人 今晚在這裡，

they're all victims. Every one of you.

他們都是受害者你們每個人都是

-Yeah. And judging by the number of masks I saw in the crowd,

-是的根據我在人群中看到的面具數量判斷，

he's right. [ Laughter ]

他是對的。[笑聲]

Even Rudy Giuliani saw that and said, "You fools!"

連魯迪-朱利安尼都看到了，說："你們這些傻瓜！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"You fools!"

"你們這些笨蛋！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But in the end, Trump knows there's a lot on the line

但最終，特朗普知道有很多事情要做。

in Georgia, so he made sure to deliver a compelling

在喬治亞州，所以他一定要提供一個令人信服的。

closing argument for the Republican candidates.

共和黨候選人的最後陳述。

Watch.

看著吧

♪♪

♪♪

-Blueberries, peppers, squash, and cucumbers.

-藍莓，青椒，南瓜，黃瓜。

Who does cucumbers around here?

這裡誰做黃瓜？

'Cause I like cucumbers! I'm the only one.

因為我喜歡黃瓜！我是唯一的一個。

I like cucumbers.

我喜歡黃瓜。

♪♪

♪♪

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

-Well, last night, there was supposed to be

-嗯，昨晚，本來應該是...

a debate for Georgia's runoff between Democrat John Ossoff

佐治亞州第二輪選舉民主黨人約翰-奧索夫的辯論會

and Republican David Perdue,

和共和黨人戴維-珀杜。

but Perdue didn't show up, so look what happened.

但Perdue沒有出現 所以看看發生了什麼事

-Democrat John Ossoff. He is CEO of Insight TWI,

民主黨人約翰-奧索夫。他是Insight TWI的CEO

a media production company that investigates corruption,

一個調查腐敗的媒體制作公司；

organized crime, and war crimes

有組織犯罪和戰爭罪

for international news organizations.

為國際新聞組織提供。

Republican David Perdue

共和黨人David Perdue

has served in the U.S. Senate since 2015.

自2015年起在美國參議院任職。

Senator Perdue declined to participate in this debate

參議員Perdue拒絕參加本次辯論。

and is represented by an empty podium.

並以空曠的講臺為代表。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Afterward, the podium was kicking itself,

-事後，主席臺上的人都在踢自己。

was like, "I blew it. I totally froze.

是這樣的，"我吹了。我完全愣住了。

I just..." [ Laughter ]

我只是..."[笑聲]

Yeah, it was a rough night for the podium.

是啊，對於領獎臺來說，這是一個艱難的夜晚。

Halfway through the debate, a fly landed on it.

辯論進行到一半，一隻蒼蠅落在上面。

[ Laughter ] Unbelievable, unbelievable.

[笑聲] 難以置信，難以置信。

Meanwhile, today, at the White House,

同時，今天，在白宮。

Trump gave the Medal of Freedom

特朗普給自由勳章

to a legendary wrestling coach from Iowa.

到愛荷華州的一位傳奇摔跤教練。

But listen to what he said at the ceremony.

但聽聽他在儀式上說的話。

-He won 117 consecutive matches and lost only one.

-他連續贏了117場比賽，只輸了一場。

Well, you know, in politics, I won two, so I'm 2-0,

嗯，你知道，在政治上，我贏了兩個，所以我是2 -0。

and that's pretty good, too.

這也是相當不錯的。

But we'll see how that turns out.

但我們會看到結果如何。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-At that point, Trump took back the Medal of Freedom

-這時，特朗普收回了自由勳章。

and gave it to himself.

並把它送給了自己。

"I'm undefeated, and you're not, so..."

"我是不敗的，而你不是，所以......"

Trump's 2-0 claim would've been more convincing

特朗普2-0的說法會更有說服力。

if half the people in that room weren't moving guys.

如果那個房間裡有一半的人沒有動過的傢伙。

"All right. We gotta get this thing.

"好吧，我們得把這東西弄到手。我們必須得到這個東西。

You want to go diagonal with this through the door?

你想用這個從門外斜著走？

Yeah." [ Laughter ]

是啊。"[笑聲]

Here's some music news -- Bob Dylan just sold

這裡有一些音樂新聞 -- 鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了。

his entire songwriting catalog to Universal

他的所有歌曲都是由環球公司創作的

in a giant, record-breaking deal.

在一個巨大的，破紀錄的交易。

I'm thrilled for Bob Dylan, but if I see

我為鮑勃-迪倫激動不已，但如果我看到了

"Blowin' in the Wind" in a Gas-X commercial,

在Gas-X廣告中的 "風中吹"。

I'm gonna freak out. [ Laughter ]

我要嚇壞了。[笑聲]

No.

不知道

That's right. Bob Dylan just sold his entire

沒錯，鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了他的全部作品 That's right.鮑勃-迪倫剛剛賣掉了他的全部

music catalog for over an estimated $300 million.

音樂目錄，估計超過3億美元。

It's one of the biggest music publishing deals ever.

這是有史以來最大的音樂出版交易之一。

And this is real -- here now, on the phone,

這是真正的... 在這裡，現在，在手機上。

to talk about this enormous deal is Bob Dylan himself.

談到這個巨大的交易是鮑勃-迪倫本人。

Bob, are you there?

鮑勃，你在嗎？

-[ Speaking indistinctly ]

-[說話含糊不清]

Okay. Well, how do you feel about this record-breaking deal?

好吧，你覺得這個破紀錄的交易怎麼樣？那麼，你覺得這個破紀錄的交易怎麼樣？

-[ Speaking indistinctly ]

-[說話含糊不清]

-I see, I see. And how do you plan

-我明白了，我明白了。你打算怎麼做？

to spend all of that money?

要把這些錢都花掉？

-[ Speaking indistinctly ]

-[說話含糊不清]

...PlayStation 5.

...PlayStation 5。

-Uh-huh. That's really great.

-嗯哼那真是太好了

Well, I know you're hoping to debut a new song here tonight.

我知道你希望今晚能在這裡首發一首新歌。

So, please, take it away, whenever you're ready.

所以，請你帶走吧，只要你準備好了。

-One, two...

-一，二...

[ Singing indistinctly ]

[唱隱約]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ PlayStation 5 ♪

PlayStation 5

-That's right. Oh, beautiful.

-沒錯哦，漂亮

Bob Dylan, everybody!

鮑勃-迪倫，各位！

Can't believe he took the time --

不敢相信他花了時間...

I can't believe he took the time to call us

他居然花時間給我們打電話。

and to do an impersonation of himself from 50 years ago.

並模仿50年前的自己。

-[ Speaking indistinctly ]

-[說話含糊不清]

-Thank you, Bob. [ Laughter ]

-謝謝你，鮑勃。謝謝你，鮑勃。 - [笑]

-Well, guys, Christmas is just a few weeks away,

-好了，夥計們，還有幾個星期就是聖誕節了。

and I saw that the world's first ever commercially printed

我看到了世界上第一個商業印刷版的 "大熊貓"。

Christmas card is on sale for $25,000.

聖誕卡售價2.5萬元。

Yeah, even back then, the first person to get a Christmas card

是啊，即使在那時，第一個收到聖誕卡的人

was like, "Wow. He gained a lot of weight this year."

就像 "哇，他今年胖了很多"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's a big sports story. The New York Jets

這裡有一個體育大新聞。紐約噴氣機隊

are still looking for their first win of the season.

仍在尋找本賽季的首場勝利。

And yesterday, they were up by 4

而昨天，他們漲了4塊錢

with about 10 seconds left in the game.

在比賽還剩10秒左右的時候。

All they had to do was not give up a touchdown.

他們要做的就是不丟掉一個達陣。

Let's see how it went.

讓我們來看看它是如何進行的。

-Jets coming.

-噴氣機來了

Carr puts some air under it.

卡爾把一些空氣下。

Wide open is Ruggs for the touchdown!

魯格斯達陣了！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-The Jets are always out-Jetting themselves.

-噴氣機隊總是比噴氣機隊更厲害

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They're basically the NFL's version of Rudy Giuliani.

他們基本上是NFL的Rudy Giuliani版本。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And, finally, every day, we learn a little more

最後，每天，我們都會學到更多的東西

about the coronavirus, and now a doctor is warning

關於冠狀病毒，現在有醫生警告說

that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction.

COVID實際上可能導致勃起功能障礙。

So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra,

所以在他們的COVID疫苗和偉哥之間。

Pfizer's about to make it rain.

輝瑞公司要讓它下雨了。

We have exactly 10 shows left before we go on Christmas break,

在聖誕假期之前，我們還剩10場演出。

which means it's time for that beloved

這意味著是時候為心愛的

"Tonight Show" tradition.

"今夜秀 "傳統。

It's time for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!

12天的聖誕毛衣時間到了!

Here we go!

我們走吧！

♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪

12天的聖誕毛衣

♪ 10 todays left ♪

10天離開

-That's right. Every show between now and Christmas

-沒錯，從現在開始到聖誕節的每一場演出從現在到聖誕節的每一場演出

we'll be giving one lucky audience member

我們將給一位幸運的觀眾

an exquisite Christmas sweater

精緻的聖誕毛衣

from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

從聖誕倒計時內閣。

Now, since there are 10 shows left,

現在，由於還有10場演出。

let's open door number 10.

讓我們打開10號。

Go for it.

去吧

Oh, yeah. Yes.

哦，是的。是的，是的。

Oh, yeah.

哦，是的。

Ooh, la, la!

哦，啦，啦！

Couple gingerbread men.

夫婦薑餅人。

Look at that.

你看那個。

Oh. Wow! Wow. There are gloves.

哦，哇！哇！哇哦！有手套。

Looks like the gloves are attached.

看來手套是連著的。

Are there gl-- There are gloves attached.

有手套嗎... ... 有手套的。

Wow. And let's see the back just to check out the, uh...

哇哦讓我們看看後面，只是為了檢查出，呃... ...

Yep, yep. Secret wreath, not quite in the middle,

是的，是的。祕密花環，不完全在中間。

off to the side a little bit, kind of keeps you guessing.

偏離了一點，有點讓你猜不透。

All right, everybody.

好了，各位。

Let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.

讓我們看看誰會帶著今晚的毛衣回家。

Everyone, look at your seat number.

大家看一下自己的座位號。

If I call your number, come on down.

如果我打你的電話，下來吧。

Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

任務，我可以得到一個鼓聲，好嗎？

[ Drumroll ]

[鼓聲]

Here we go.

我們走吧

Number 260!

260號！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Come on down, bud!

下來吧，夥計！

♪♪

♪♪

-Hello!

-你好！

Hello. What is your name and where are you from?

你好，你叫什麼名字，從哪裡來？你叫什麼名字，來自哪裡？

-Ethan. I'm from New Jersey.

-Ethan.我來自紐澤西

-Hey! New Jersey in the house!

-嘿，紐澤西人在這裡！

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

It does get a little brisk in New Jersey this time of year.

每年的這個時候，新澤西州的天氣確實有點急躁。

Do you have anything like this type of sweater?

你有類似這種類型的毛衣嗎？

-Uh, not really. [ Laughter ]

-嗯，不是真的。[笑聲]

-Not really. Would you mind trying it on for us?

-不太介意你介意為我們試穿一下嗎？

-Sure. -Roots, could we get some

-好的 羅根，我們能不能來點？

trying-on music?

試聽音樂？

♪♪

♪♪

Thank you very much.

非常感謝你。

Yeah, make sure you get the fingers there.

是的，確保你的手指在那裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's not something you want to put on if you're in a rush.

如果你趕時間的話，就別想穿上它了。

You know, you want to take your time with this one.

你知道，你想把你的時間與這一個。

Man, it feels warm already. Yep.

夥計，感覺已經很暖和了。對啊

Little tricky, but that's half the fun of it.

有點棘手，但這是它的一半樂趣。

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

哦，對，對，對，對。

Oh. Oh, look at this.

哦，看看這個。哦，看這個。

[ Cheers and applause ] Look at that.

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 看那個。

Turn around. Let's see the full --

轉過來讓我們看看完整的...

Yeah! Looks like a tassel.

是啊！看起來像一個流蘇。

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

Looks like you got, like, a rattail in the back.

看起來你的後背有一條鼠尾。

I think it's pretty awesome.

我覺得很不錯。

That's what I'm talking about. That's our winner right there.

這就是我所說的。這就是我們的贏家

That's our audience member. We love you.

這就是我們的觀眾。我們愛你。

Thank you again to our lucky audience member.

再次感謝我們的幸運觀眾。

Stick around. We'll be right back

別走開我們馬上回來

with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

與更多的 "今夜秀"，大家。

Come on back.

回來吧