"LATE LATE SHOW."

"遲到的晚秀。"

I HOPE -- I HOPE SO MUCH YOU HAD A HAPPY AND, DARE I SAY IT,

我希望... 我希望你有一個快樂的，而且，我敢說：

PRODUCTIVE DAY.

生產性的一天。

THAT'S WHAT I HOPE.

這就是我所希望的。

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE TONIGHT WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH

我很高興你在這裡，因為今晚我們將與你哈拉。

THE ALWAYS INCREDIBLE GOLDIE HAWN AND KURT RUSSELL.

總是不可思議的GOLDIE HAWN和KURT RUSSELL。

THEN LATER WE HAVE A PERFORMANCE FROM BTS.

然後，我們有一個表演從BTS。

STICK AROUND FOR IT, YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

堅持下去，你不會想錯過的。

( APPLAUSE ) BTS HAVE SENT IN A PERFORMANCE

( 掌聲 ) BTS已經送來了一場演出。

WHICH IS, WITHOUT QUESTION, MY FAVORITE PERFORMANCE OF ANY SONG

毫無疑問，我最喜歡的歌曲表演是什麼？

WE'VE EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW, PERIOD.

我們已經在這個節目中，period。

IT'S ELECTRIC, STICK AROUND FOR IT.

它是電氣的，堅持下去。

ALSO, GOLDIE HAWN, KURT RUSSELL, IS THERE A COOLER COUPLE?

還有，GOLDIE HAWN，KURT RUSSELL，有沒有更酷的組合？

>> Reggie: THAT'S THE "IT" COUPLE.

>> 這就是 "IT "組合。

>> James: IT IS.

>> 詹姆斯。是的。

I'D LIKE TO BE ADOPTED BY THEM.

我想被他們收養。

IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID, I'VE HAD A LOVELY CHILDHOOD, I

如果他們來找我說："我有一個美好的童年，我...

LIKE MY PARENTS VERY, VERY MUCH, BUT IF THEY CAME TO ME AND SAID,

非常非常喜歡我的父母，但如果他們來找我說：

WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU UNDER OUR WING, I'D DO IT.

我們想把你在我們的翅膀，我會做到這一點。

I'D JUST IMAGINE THE THREE OF US, I IMAGINE KURT WILL TEACH ME

我只是想象我們三個人，我想象庫爾特會教我。

OUTSIDE HOW TO CHOP WOOD AND -- ( LAUGHTER )

外面如何砍伐木材和 - （笑）。

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

你知道我的意思嗎？

ALL THE STUFF MY DAD COULDN'T TEACH ME.

所有我爸爸不能教我的東西。

MY DAD TAUGHT ME TO HARMONIZE, THAT'S IT.

我爸爸教我吹喇叭，就是這樣。

AND THAT'S BEEN USEFUL, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO CHOP SOME

那是很有用的，但現在我需要知道如何砍掉一些。

WOOD, YOU KNOW.

木頭，你知道的。

>> HE'D SHOW YOU HOW TO WEAR A THICK WOOL SWEATER.

>> 他將教你如何穿好羊毛衫。

>> YES, A BIG SWEATER, DENIM JEANS, CHUNKY BOOTS, AND WE

>> 是的，一件大毛衣，牛仔褲，粗布鞋，還有我們。

WOULD JUST BE OUT THERE AND HE WOULD BE GOING, NO, SON, YOUR

會只是在那裡，他就會去，不，兒子，你的。

HANDS ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

手在錯誤的地方。

AND I WOULD BE, SORRY, DAD.

我會的，對不起，爸爸。

AND GOLDIE WOULD COME OUT WITH A HOT CHOCOLATE, MARSHMALLOWS, AND

而GOLDIE會帶著熱巧克力，棉花糖，和。

THEY'D MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HIS HAS WHISKEY IN IT, AND I WOULD GO,

他們會開玩笑說他的酒裡有威士忌，我就會去。

OH, GOD, YOU KNOW -- >> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK YOU'RE

哦，上帝，你知道 - >> 你知道嗎，我想你是。

A VERY TALENTED GUY.

一個很有天賦的傢伙。

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT GREAT AT?

你知道你不擅長什麼嗎？

SQUINTING INTO A SUNSET.

眯著眼睛看日落。

>> James: RIGHT.

>> 詹姆斯。右邊。

KURT RUSSELL, WITHIN TWO DAYS YOU WOULD BE A MASTER AT IT.

KURT RUSSELL，不出兩天你就會成為這方面的高手。

>> James: I LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO READ SOMETHING I CAN'T

>> 詹姆斯。我看起來像我試圖閱讀的東西，我不能。

QUITE MAKE OUT.

很好的彌補。

WHAT GUILLERMO?

什麼GILLERMO？

>> I SAID YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED.

>> 我說你看起來很有精神。

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: GUYS, IF IT'S OKAY

（笑） >> 詹姆斯：夥計們，如果它是好的

WITH YOU, I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING A LOOK AT THE DAY'S HEADLINES.

和你在一起，我不介意看看今天的頭條新聞。

I KNOW IT'S ODD FOR US TO KICK A SHOW OFF IN SUCH A WAY BUT IS

我知道我們以這樣的方式開啟一場秀是很奇怪的，但是......是的。

THAT COOL FOR EVERYONE?

這對大家來說很酷？

LET'S DO IT.

讓我們做吧。

BECAUSE BIG NEWS, LAST NIGHT, AFTER WEEKS OF

因為重大新聞，昨晚，經過幾個星期的

DELAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP FINALLY ASKED THE GSA TO BEGIN THE

拖延，特朗普總統終於要求GSA開始。

TRANSITION OF POWER TO PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN.

將權力移交給當選主席喬-比登。

THERE IT IS, BANG!

它在那裡，砰！

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I SWEAR, THIS IS LIKE THE FIFTH

我發誓，這好像是第五次了。

OR SIXTH TIME JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE ELECTION.

或第六次喬・比登贏得選舉。

ISN'T IT IN WE'VE HONESTLY DONE THIS FIVE TIMES NOW, BUT THIS IS

是不是在我們已經誠實地做了五次，但這是

GOOD NEWS, IT IS, OF COURSE, BUT THAT'S HOW LOW THE BAR IS!

好消息，是的，當然，但這是多麼低的門檻!

TRUMP'S DOING THE BARE MINIMUM, WEEKS LATE, AND ACTING LIKE A

特朗普做了最基本的最低限度，幾周後，並表現得像一個。

TOTAL DICK ABOUT IT.

完全是硬邦邦的。

AND I'M LIKE, "LOOK AT THAT.

我很喜歡，"看看那個。

LEADERSHIP PERSONIFIED."

領袖人物。"

SEE, WHERE WAS THAT LEADERSHIP THE LAST FOUR YEARS?

你看，過去四年的領導班子在哪裡？

HE'S DONE NOTHING.

他什麼也沒做。

ALSO, I LOVE THAT WE'RE ALL TALKING ABOUT THE G.S.A. AS IF

另外，我很高興我們都在談論G. S. A.

IT'S A THING THAT ANYONE KNEW ABOUT BEFORE YESTERDAY.

這是在今天之前大家都知道的事情。

( LAUGHTER ) THE G.S.A. IS A COMPLETE

G.S.A.是一個完整的。

TRANSITION OF POWER -- DON'T BE JUST A HUMAN RETWEET.

權力的轉換 -- -- 不要只做一個人類的轉發者。

ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!

承認你不知道它是什麼!

( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW,

（笑） 對於那些你誰不知道，

G.S.A. STANDS FOR GENERAL SERVICES ADMINISTRATION, WHICH

G.S.A.是General Services ADMINISTRATION（一般事務管理）的縮寫。

SOUNDS LIKE A FAKE COMPANY YOU'D USE TO PAD YOUR RESUME.

聽起來就像一個你用來墊履歷的假公司。

"WHAT KIND OF WORK DID YOU DO?" "OH, YOU KNOW, MOSTLY GENERAL

"你是做什麼工作的？""哦，你知道，一般的工作。

SERVICES.

服務：

AND THE ADMINISTRATING THEREOF."

以及這方面的行政管理"。

( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE ALL OF THIS, TRUMP IS

儘管如此，特朗普是...

STILL NOT CONCEDING THE ELECTION, AND ACCORDING TO

仍然不承認選舉，並根據以下情況：

REPORTS, TRUMP AGREED TO BIDEN'S TRANSITION ONLY AFTER BEING TOLD

報道稱，特朗普在被告知後才同意比登的轉會。

BY ADVISORS THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO ADMIT DEFEAT.

被顧問們認為他不必承認失敗。

WHICH RAISES AN IMPORTANT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION: IF YOU

這提出了一個重要的哲學問題：如果你

NEVER CONCEDE, DID YOU REALLY LOSE?

永不服輸，你真的輸了嗎？

AND THE ANSWER IS YES.

答案是 "是"。

( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S LIKE THE CHESS MASTER.

特朗普就像棋牌大師。

LIKE E'S BEING BADLY BEATEN, SO JUST SUGGEST A DRAW.

就像E被打得很慘一樣，所以就建議畫個圖吧。

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT ANALOGY WORKS.

我不知道這個分析是否有效。

I'M EATING IT UP, THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT, ARE YOU?

我正在吃它，女王的小甜餅，你呢？

>> I DEVOURED IT.

>> 我很喜歡它。

I'LL TELL YOU AT THE END, QUEEN GAMBITS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

我會在最後告訴你，女王在到處亂跑。

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND TRUMP ISN'T

（笑） >> 詹姆斯：和特朗普是不是

GIVING UP AND THE BASELESS CLAIMS OF AN ELECTION

放棄和選舉的無理要求

CONSPIRACY.

陰謀：

HE RETWEETED ELECTRIC "THE WAPOST-S ANDTHIS IS TRUE, THE

他轉發了電子 "WAPOST-S和這是真實的，該。

ECCENTRIC ACTOR RANDY QUAID.

ECCENTRIC演員RANDY QUAID。

FIVE RANDY QUAID RETWEETS!

五個RANDY QUAID RETWEETS!

TWO, SURE.

兩個，肯定。

THREE... THAT'S PUSHING IT.

三...這是推它。

BUT FIVE, I THINK THAT MAKES HIM SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE.

但五，我認為這使他成為農業部長。

( LAUGHTER ) YOU MIGHT REMEMBER RANDY QUAID

你可能還記得藍迪-奎德吧？

AS THE NUTTY COUSIN EDDIE FROM CHRISTMAS VACATION.

如同《聖誕假期》中可愛的表妹EDDIE。

OR AS THE NUTTY FIGHTER PILOT FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY.

或者作為獨立日的Nutty FIGHTER PILOT。

OR AS THE NUTTY CRIMINAL FUGITIVE FROM REAL LIFE.

或者說是現實生活中的頑固犯罪逃犯。

( LAUGHTER ) IN THE FINAL POST THAT THE

（笑）在最後的文章中，該公司的工作人員

PRESIDENT RETWEETED, RANDY QUAID DID A DRAMATIC RETWEETING OF A

主席發微博，蘭迪-奎德發了一條戲劇性的微博。

TRUMP TWEET ATTACKING FOX NEWS.

特朗普在推特上攻擊福克斯新聞。

HAVE A LOOK.

請看一下。

>> YOU FORGOT THE GOLDEN GOOSE!

>> 你忘了金鵝！

(LAUGHING) THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE 2016 ELECTION AND

(笑)2016年大選與2016年大選的唯一區別是

2020 IS FOX NEWS!

2020年是福克斯新聞！

>> James: GUYS, I THINK SAN A AT THAT IS STRUGGLING WITH

>> 詹姆斯：夥計們，我想三A AT，正在與困難。

QUARANTINE.

QUARANTINE：

IF I WERE RANDY QUAID, I WOULD NEVER MAKE A VIDEO OF MYSELF

如果我是蘭迪-奎德，我絕不會拍自己的視頻。

THAT CLOSE UP KNOWING FULL WELL MY NOSE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE A

我知道我的鼻子很像... ...

PENIS.

PENIS：

( LAUGHTER ) AND ELON MUSK, PAST BILL GATES,

（笑）和埃隆-穆克，過去的比爾蓋茨。

IS THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD WITH A TOTAL NET WORTH OF

是世界上第二富有的人，他的總淨資產是

OVER $127 BILLION.

超過1270億美元。

OUR THOUGHTS GO OUT TO THE GATES' FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT

在此艱難時刻，我們向蓋茨的家人表示慰問。

TIME.

時間。

MUSK IS NOW THE SECOND RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

穆克現在是世界上第二富有的人。

HOWEVER, HE IS STILL THE NUMBER ONE "RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD

然而，他仍然是 "世界上最富有的人 "的頭號。

THAT LOOKS LIKE HE SINGS IN A WEDDING BAND."

這看起來像他唱的婚禮樂隊。"

WE DO A LITTLE BIT OF EVERYTHING.

我們做的是一點一滴的事情。

WE DO UP TOWN FUNK, AND THEN UP SIDE YOUR HEAD AND THEN

我們做的是上城FUNK，然後在你的頭上，然後。

SOMETIMES I DO A LITTLE RAPPING IF THE BRIDE AND GROOM LIKE IT.

有時如果新郎新娘喜歡，我也會做一些強姦的事情。

WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN DO WITH $127 BILLION?

你要用1270億做什麼？

REG,ER WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

REG,ER你會怎麼做？

>> Reggie: I'D PAY OFF ALL STUDENT DEBT.

>> 雷吉：我會還清所有學生的債務。

>> James: THERE IT IS.

>> 詹姆斯。在那裡，它是。

( APPLAUSE ) WELL, THAT MADE US ALL FEEL BAD.

（鼓掌）好吧，這讓我們都感覺很糟糕。

CAN'T FOLLOW THAT.

不能跟著說。

NOWHERE FOR THAT TO GO.

沒有地方可以去。

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY I'D GET A BOAT.

>> 我本來想說我要買條船的。

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I'D GET A BOAT AND

( 笑 ) >> 詹姆斯:我會得到一條船和

I'D LET STUDENTS USE IT TWICE A YEAR.

我會讓學生每年使用兩次。

( APPLAUSE ) ON ME.

（掌聲）對我來說。

GO NUTS, GUYS.

去堅果，夥計們。

YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE FUEL.

你還得付燃料費。

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO TELL

（笑）最後，我們想告訴。

YOU ABOUT THIS, THERE'S A NEW DATING APP

你說的這個，有一個新的約會APP。

EXCLUSIVELY FOR BALD PEOPLE.

專為禿子而設。

IT'S CALLED "BALD DATING" AND IT AIMS TO HELP THOSE WHO

這就是所謂的 "禿頭約會"，它的目的是幫助那些誰。

ARE BALD OR HAVE THINNING HAIR FIND PARTNERS WHO, "PREFER IT

禿頭或頭髮稀疏，尋找 "喜歡它 "的夥伴。

THAT WAY."

這樣。"

YEAH.

是的。

A DATING APP FOR BALD PEOPLE.

禿子的約會APP。

WHICH WAS DISAPPOINTING NEWS FOR THAT ONE GUY WHO THOUGHT HE WAS

對於那個以為自己是的人來說，這是一個令人失望的消息。

FINALLY ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH A BALD EAGLE.

終於要和一隻禿鷹做愛了。

( LAUGHTER ) I REALLY FEEL EVENTUALLY WE'LL

我真的覺得事件我們將

GET TO THE POINT WHERE EVERY INDIVIDUAL MAN HAS HIS OWN APP.

到了每個人都有自己的APP的地步。

HI, I'M MARK, IF YOU WANT TO DATE MARK, JOIN MARK FINDER.

嗨，我是MARK，如果你想和MARK約會，請加入MARK FINDER。

( LAUGHTER ) THE APP IS SIMPLY CALLED "BALD

(笑)這款APP被簡單地稱為 "BALD"。

DATING," WHICH IS BETTER THAN SOME OF

約會，"這是比一些更好的。

THEIR ORIGINAL NAME IDEAS.

他們最初的名字的想法。

LIKE THIS ONE: "SKINDER."

像這一個。"SKINDER"。

OR THIS ONE: "CLOSE SHAVE CUPID."

或這一個："關閉剃鬚CUPID。"

AND FINALLY, THIS ONE: "E-NO-HAIR-MONY."

最後，這一個："E -NO -Hair -MONY。"